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  #101  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I have not sworn at you once. I will not swear at you. Neither, to my knowledge, has anyone on this board sworn at you. You have the power to not swear at others. You asked why you might be coming across as a chauvinist and I told you why, in addition to explaining why you might come across as arrogant. I told you, exactly as many others have, that it appears you are pushing your girlfriend into something she's been very clear she Does. Not. Want. I'm sorry that incites you.
None of that is what was inciting me. You don't need to apologize for any of that. What was inciting to me was how you were taking my words and presuming negative things about me in front of others in what appeared to be some kind of endless quest for you to choose to belittle me in front of them.

Maybe I mis-understood, but if you need me to quote you I will.
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  #102  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by evanevans View Post
Just wasting time getting you guys to behave.
Really? Read this back... It sounds controlling no? Or was this a joke?
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  #103  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by evanevans View Post
So I'm not sure where everyone is getting the idea that I am a male chauvinist.
Possibly the part where, in the very post I'm quoting, you state you're looking at impressionable girls for your arrangement? You can't be much younger than forty, and you're a man -- how old does a woman have to be to become a woman? And by that time, is she already too old for you?

I get the impression that you are independently wealthy. Is this wealth inherited? Earned? How are you maintaining your lifestyle?

CdM should know his island geography, what with his own travels. He has told me a lot about the "dynamic" in various places, and trust me, he's never had stories to tell about wild parties. Perhaps about expats; the English party boys on Ibiza (that would be my experience) are not representative of the people who live and work there all year. So who lives and works where you do? And what are their values?

Unless your potential lovers are orphans, they probably have families who will be raising their eyebrows at this. How do you plan to cope with your lovers' families?

I don't think your fiancée will stay long enough for any of this to become her problem. If she does, it might not be as your fiancée. Why go to all the trouble of planning a wedding? What does marriage offer each of you that cohabitation does not?

As for listening to the gurus: I am biased when it comes to CdM, but I can tell you that the people who are responding have it together. They know what this poly thing is. You might read some of the blogs for an idea as to how various members' relationships work, then ask them about their own experiences if those experiences resonate. You came here for advice. Accept that when you do come for advice, we're going to react as if you want to listen. nycindie isn't known for sugarcoating anything -- hell, neither am I, but I'm trying to be nice. Really and truly I am. Honey, not vinegar.

And I should probably not respond when my night meds kick in, either . . .
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  #104  
Old 09-04-2012, 07:13 AM
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This has got to be one of my favorite responses. I absolutely love your objectivity. Thank you deeply for responding. I really appreciate it. If possible in the future, may I simply private message you if I have a question requiring your sensibilities?
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
The way you write does suggest that you believe you have 'women' all figured out.
Ok, I do believe that, but I am also open to the fact that I have some things to learn. But to me the full range of women, I understand. There still are probably little details to fill in some of the spaces in understanding, but I do understand women. Well, mono women anyway.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Obviously, you don't or you wouldn't have started this post in the first place
Well actually I started this because I have very little knowledge about the dynamics between Mono/Mono opening up to Mono/Poly and possibly becoming fully Poly, and it has nothing to do with women or men, but about what the combination of women and man can do in facing this "growth" situation and each has different ideas about what the other is thinking they are doing and is feeling threatened. That was the reason I posted this. Not because I needed to understand women. I do already.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
-but that is the way your writing reads. Additionally, you say things like 'cock blocked' and that comes across as though you think having that other woman too is your god-given right and your fiance is just 'in the way'.
Yeah I guess that was a bad word to choose judging from the response. But I was just trying to find some way to describe how she is acting. I was going to say "pussy blocking" but because it had no context like we have now about the cock blocking, I thought that people would say "what's pussy blocking supposed to mean?" Turns out people here mince your words like it's a burning at the stake, so it probably doesn't matter what I say, if they don't like what they feel is my general sentiment they're against me.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
You write that you want to respect her and have what you want- something I do understand as I am poly, bf is mono. We agree to a number of boundries that keep his mono self 'safe and secure' and allow my poly self to exist without destroying him.
God I would love to hear what they are!? This is the nuggets I was searching for. Cut to the chase please. Privately if you are comfortable to share but not in front of the group.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
But, you also write as though you need to convince her and that isn't respecting her as an individual that does not have to accept a poly-mono dynamic.
No that was a miscommunication here. If I didn't say so, what I was trying to tell everyone here, was that I tried to do that, and that for her to try and understand me and my ideas better I was "peddling" her the concepts. That didn't mean it was for her to buy, it just meant it was for her to learn about by my own insistence. But I wasn't trying to convince her to become a poly, though I tried to see if she agreed with the philosophy during the "peddling" process, as I'm sure everyone in that situation does, they try and feel out their partner to see if they are open to the same thing or not. I just used the wrong words to describe it here I guess. People are very critical here. I don't know. Maybe it's just to me
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Furthermore, the majority of what you have written suggests that women want and need to be taken care of, provided for
Uh, no man. That is not what I intended to communicate. I was just saying that I am an honorable part of a partnership in that I would provide those things. It doesn't mean I need to like some demented mother teresa or something, lol.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
and whatever 'kept in the zone' is. That is seriously disrespectful sounding.
Meaning, that when a women is becoming emotional, which because of their biology they can lose their logic, I am able to help them through whatever it is, and get them back to a place of reasoning. That is indeed a lot for people to swallow and women hate to hear that. But the science is out there. If you don't want to accept that, that's ok to me. I know what I know, and I believe it to be true, because I know it from my own experiences. It doesn't mean you can't think different and still be a respectful person to me, but the women I get involved with happen to always fit that science.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It sounds very chauvanist and marginalizing of women. Especially to women who are 'evolved' enough (no I dont subscribe to that evolution bs) to manage not only to care for and support themselves and their children, but to juggle multiple deep, meaningful, loving romantic relationships with men and women, simultaneously.
Yep, I totally understand that sounds chauvinist. It just happens to be one thing I do believe about the differences between man and woman. I also believe men have penises and women can make babies, and a few other biological differences that feminists can call me chauvinist over. But women who are not on a mission to be "equal" to men understand what I'm talking about. There are differences, and women lose their reasoning when they get emotionally filled up. I know feminists will disagree out of principle. But principle doesn't change science or statistics. They can do their research if they want to.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
If you want sincere advice on how to communicate with a woman, it stands to reason that listening to what the women here are saying would be beneficial. Because so far, you have managed to offend the sensibilities of every single woman whose replied to you.
Yes, I guess I have. Maybe they all have complexes. I don't know. It is the real world, and people are just going to get freaked out by me. I just have to get used to that I guess.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
That suggests that either you are prone to relationships with women who are not as independent as the poly-women on this board
Absolutely true.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
OR you may be prone to offending women in rl
Not as prone as you would think, but it does happen yes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
OR you are really lacking in written communication skills.
Must be part of it.

So ALL THREE
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Unfortunately, there is no way for any of us to know for sure. Unfortunately for you, it would appear that the end result is the majority assuming that you are sexist, chauvanistic and arrogant in real life.
Well that's just wonderful. I don't come across that way in real life...at least with women that have stayed around me to get to know me. But that might be a self-fulfilling result because maybe the women who disagree with me veer away from me. When I do speak viewpoints that don't agree with the viewpoints of feminism than I get knocked but that's only natural. You can't preach to the choir words from Black Sabbath.
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  #105  
Old 09-04-2012, 07:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
Possibly the part where, in the very post I'm quoting, you state you're looking at impressionable girls for your arrangement? You can't be much younger than forty, and you're a man -- how old does a woman have to be to become a woman? And by that time, is she already too old for you?

I get the impression that you are independently wealthy. Is this wealth inherited? Earned? How are you maintaining your lifestyle?

CdM should know his island geography, what with his own travels. He has told me a lot about the "dynamic" in various places, and trust me, he's never had stories to tell about wild parties. Perhaps about expats; the English party boys on Ibiza (that would be my experience) are not representative of the people who live and work there all year. So who lives and works where you do? And what are their values?

Unless your potential lovers are orphans, they probably have families who will be raising their eyebrows at this. How do you plan to cope with your lovers' families?

I don't think your fiancée will stay long enough for any of this to become her problem. If she does, it might not be as your fiancée. Why go to all the trouble of planning a wedding? What does marriage offer each of you that cohabitation does not?

As for listening to the gurus: I am biased when it comes to CdM, but I can tell you that the people who are responding have it together. They know what this poly thing is. You might read some of the blogs for an idea as to how various members' relationships work, then ask them about their own experiences if those experiences resonate. You came here for advice. Accept that when you do come for advice, we're going to react as if you want to listen. nycindie isn't known for sugarcoating anything -- hell, neither am I, but I'm trying to be nice. Really and truly I am. Honey, not vinegar.

And I should probably not respond when my night meds kick in, either . . .
Love your response. You are also very objective and direct. I really trust your foresight. I might just have to let her go. I'm thinking I will have to. It's probably the most respectful thing I could do. If she wants to come back she can, but the best thing would be to show I respect her own ideals and that I can honor them by letting her go and find a new path to enjoy them on.

About everyone having it together. I agree with you. I totally respect them on that level. But it's coming in some cases with a mountain of dung and flies. But still, I am desperate to become educated, so I still extract every bit of insightful helpful info I can from the smelly mountains of dung responses I've gotten.

Last edited by PolyPhonic; 09-04-2012 at 07:20 AM.
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  #106  
Old 09-04-2012, 07:20 AM
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I had to freaking log in to my laptop-because trying to reply from my phone was ridiculous.
Quote:
Originally Posted by evanevans View Post
Do you have a lot of experience with people? I mean big city experience. I used to meet 300 people in one night. I was doing this 6 days a week. I had to print 1000s of business cards every week. I did this in Beverly Hills and Hollywood. I did this for years. I knew about 20% of the people in Beverly Hills my sidekick and I once figured. That's a lot in case you aren't sure. Beverly Hills has a lot of people in it. Anyway, I'm not from the boonies. I know people, personalities, and I know how they tick. I was a professional poker player for 2 years.
This would be one of those "eye rolling" series of statements that makes the whole thread seem utterly condescending and ridiculous.

Ok, so you KNOW PEOPLE in Hollywood-where it's normal for a marriage to last 72 hours and relationships to be based upon lies heaped upon lies heaped upon lies. Where "love" is synonymous with sex AND with "we were in a movie together-until of course a new film comes along and they are now in "love" with the lead in THAT film.

That might explain precisely why you can't figure out why everyone is offended at the way you degrade women through your comments and degrade the posters here though your comments.

You are right-NO ONE HERE KNOWS YOU.
But-if one wants to vent to a captive audience, they pay a counselor. When one posts on a public message board asking for advice-they generally can count on getting some very blunt, hard-edged responses. The interesting thing is-that its usually spot on for what it is about them that THE GENERAL PUBLIC is going to find offensive.
So, if you are looking to improve your already perfected by Hollywood social skills-you've come to the right place. You may find it VERY helpful in your personal relationships.
If on the other hand you were looking for people to pussyfoot around the questions and answers they give-you are in the wrong place and at the wrong time.

SINCERE answer to your ORIGINAL POST:
You are trying to educate a mono person about what you need as a poly-GO READ MonoVCPHG's posts. There isn't another poster on here who has written SO THOROUGHLY from a mono perspective-exactly what it is that a mono person thinks and feels and needs in order to accept and even thrive in a mono-poly dynamic.
If you read through his posts, and especially the threads he started, you will find a treasure trove of information on how to communicate to mono's in a way that they can accept and understand.
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  #107  
Old 09-04-2012, 07:22 AM
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I have to go pick up my father in law at the airport. So, I have to go.

But yes, you may private message me if you want.

I haven't read your reply to what I wrote-I did see that you replied.

I will be back online again tomorrow I am sure.

Additionally, if you want to read any of my thoughts regarding poly and dealing with mono partners-feel free to peruse my blog. There's a wealth of info there-but I stand by my assertation-no one that I am aware of in 3 years has written as much as Mono regarding the hows and whens of communicating lovingly to a mono the needs of a poly.
Please-go read his posts.
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  #108  
Old 09-04-2012, 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
Unless your potential lovers are orphans, they probably have families who will be raising their eyebrows at this. How do you plan to cope with your lovers' families?
Ah. Just got the "orphan" insinuation now. Meaning, don't I think their fathers will come and kill me? lol

I'll have to be sure to screen for amenable relatives or yeah, orphans. Here most of the girls/women are "pseudo orphans" because they are one of 7 sisters and brothers, and their parents are just barely scraping by. The prospect of living in a home they're daughter can thrive in is an upgrade they'll approve of, especially if they're daughter says it will make her happy.

And yeah I'm only talking about legal women. Some I know of already have a child, or two, or three, (ages 18-27) and would very much be interested in a loving affectionate fun financially supportive relationship in a house filled with "friends".
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  #109  
Old 09-04-2012, 07:45 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Really? Read this back... It sounds controlling no? Or was this a joke?
Not a joke. You(a person here or anywhere really) are not welcome to be insulting to me or to be offensive to me or other members of this forum or any people. If you do that, I need to do what I can to make sure you come to realize that is inappropriate and you should be careful about doing so in the future. In this case here, I am talking to you guys about it in the hopes you will be more respectful in the future. But no, it's not meant to be "controlling" other than you need to learn your boundaries and when you are likely to be offending someone.
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  #110  
Old 09-04-2012, 07:50 AM
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Hey, gotta hit the hay. It's gettin' late. But I like your response here a lot. Every part of it. I want to let you know my thoughts, but I'll do tha tin the morning. Thanks and have a good night. (you're gettin' through to me)
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I had to freaking log in to my laptop-because trying to reply from my phone was ridiculous.


This would be one of those "eye rolling" series of statements that makes the whole thread seem utterly condescending and ridiculous.

Ok, so you KNOW PEOPLE in Hollywood-where it's normal for a marriage to last 72 hours and relationships to be based upon lies heaped upon lies heaped upon lies. Where "love" is synonymous with sex AND with "we were in a movie together-until of course a new film comes along and they are now in "love" with the lead in THAT film.

That might explain precisely why you can't figure out why everyone is offended at the way you degrade women through your comments and degrade the posters here though your comments.

You are right-NO ONE HERE KNOWS YOU.
But-if one wants to vent to a captive audience, they pay a counselor. When one posts on a public message board asking for advice-they generally can count on getting some very blunt, hard-edged responses. The interesting thing is-that its usually spot on for what it is about them that THE GENERAL PUBLIC is going to find offensive.
So, if you are looking to improve your already perfected by Hollywood social skills-you've come to the right place. You may find it VERY helpful in your personal relationships.
If on the other hand you were looking for people to pussyfoot around the questions and answers they give-you are in the wrong place and at the wrong time.

SINCERE answer to your ORIGINAL POST:
You are trying to educate a mono person about what you need as a poly-GO READ MonoVCPHG's posts. There isn't another poster on here who has written SO THOROUGHLY from a mono perspective-exactly what it is that a mono person thinks and feels and needs in order to accept and even thrive in a mono-poly dynamic.
If you read through his posts, and especially the threads he started, you will find a treasure trove of information on how to communicate to mono's in a way that they can accept and understand.
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