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  #91  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:01 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by evanevans View Post
So WTF is your problem with me describing her that way? This isn't my diary. I don't need to tell you how good of a cook she is, or that she likes flowers. I don't subscribe to all that Medieval Poetic Love stuff. That has caused so many problems in relationships over time, marriages, monogamy, etc. So why are you interested in all those romantic things? I don't know you, but I'm sensing you are a woman when you are trying to stake your interest in whether or not I feel a woman is valuable because she can sew.

HBB is supposed to be sufficiently attractive and noble enough in itself to communicate with this board. If I misunderstood that let me know. I think you are just trying to judge me and do some trash talk, see if you can validate your viewpoint. I think you have no intention of ever getting on my good side, or ever understanding me correctly, for fear that you might actually have to swallow your own words.
If you want to talk about respecting people, try not saying WTF to them.

As to 'my problem,' you yourself asked why people would think you're a chauvinist.

I explained why. And you seem to have missed the point entirely. I did not say a woman is valuable because she can sew; nor did I expect you to feel that way. I was pointing out that you summed up a human being as a hot bi babe--ie, a sexy body--and that this is exactly the kind of thing that makes you appear chauvinistic. Take it or leave it.

What viewpoint is it you think I'm trying to validate?
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  #92  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:05 AM
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Evan. You haven't spent enough time here, nor are you an expert on who is compassionate. I also doubt you know who is mature and who isn't on your island. Your presumptions get the better of you it seems.

Sometimes the hardest lessons are learned when one decides to look beyond why someone might repsond to in the way they do. You have some great opportunities here to look beyond your own thoughts and ideas because people are being blunt. Why not investigate why they might find what you say offensive? Listen to them rather than shut them out and write them off simply because you don't agree and don't feel comfortable with what they say.
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  #93  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:12 AM
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I suggest you do some reading here Evan. If you really want her to come around to your way then I suggest you change your attitude entirely. No one is owned by anyone. No one is controlled by anyone. You cannot MAKE her bend to your will by playing games to convince her. If that is what you believe then I would be greatly surprised that you get the harem you think you deserve.
Right now all I think we can do, is get a threesome happening, and reflect on the feelings that come up afterwards, and go from there. The whole "harem" thing is just a far off fantasy. First I need to get down the rabbit hole. Then we see about staying or not.
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You are reminding me of an old poster who believed he had a harem in Vegas. Turned out he was owned. He was controlled. He couldn't get a firm grip on his "girls" yet fought us on it at ever turn that he actually did.
Well the women in Vegas are far more experienced than the average bear. And many are cutthroat too.
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This occurred because wouldn't you know it the women had brains, feelings, didn't want to be told what to do and who to do it with. They actually discovered that being there as his play thing was not fun after awhile and they wanted to get on to a life that was their own. He was more owned by his own perspective than anything else. He wouldn't let it go. Like a dog with a bone.
Very interesting food for thought (no pun intended )
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He lived a nightmare and would bring it here whenever it got too much for him. Whenever he had the urge to tell someone that one of his "girls" was a bitch for treating his gifts of a home, and someone to fuck with disrespect he'd be back to create threads about himself that only showed how self righteous and arrogant he was.
Mmm yeah I don't want to become that guy.
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Not once did he realize that he created his own destiny by not honouring them as people in their own right. He simply barreled through every issue that came up and expected that they bend to his will and do as they were told.
I expect a lot of guys going into Poly think it's a harem deal. But really, honestly, whatever I said, I do not think that way. I am very respectful to women and giving them their autonomy. I just want to provide for them to enable them. I am not interested in disabling them. That said, if they are with me, they are inside my ruleset. And if they break my ruleset, they are still free to not be with me. But my ruleset is not disabling, or demotivating, or devaluing, or abusive, or possessive. The windows are always open in the birdhouse of my dreams.
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I felt bad for him. I don't know how he ever faired in the end, but it looked like a sure call that he would end up lonely and alone and not know why.
I'd be scared about retaliation if you treat them that way. I'd be concerned the guy "dissappeared". Lot of holes in the desert.
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Not saying this is you Evan, but you sure are painting yourself that way.
Ok, I trust your sincere point there. I will reflect on this.
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Whether you mean to or not. If I described how things are with you through relaying my story about the old poster and you are okay with that, then good on you.
Oh my goodness, absolutely. Like I said before, I cannot be offended. I do try and point out to people when they are being offensive. But that's never because I am offended. It's because I'd like to help them learn how to not be so offensive. I'm cool.
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If you are concerned that this might be like you and want to make a change then you might be in the right place.
Yes, I am concerned and I will write down the major points and do some discovery on them.
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
People here have a good bit of experience and knowledge. Not only that they are gracious enough to share it.
Completely, I know that everyone that I have rubbed the wrong way is valuable to me in many respects. And I respect their value. I just don't respect how some of them treated me. I know this is a new frontier, poly, but in time I would hope that we approach a public discussion forum like we do a family planning center. With sensitivity, and care. There can be a forum in here maybe for more sensitive discussions. Maybe that would be a good idea. Where blasting sincere posters is off limits for the sake of having neutral non-aggravating discussions.
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If you want to change your perspective then you'll have to face the firing squad a bit to get to the point where people understand that you see some error in your perspective.
Fair enough. That's worth it.
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This is not YOUR thread. Its a public thread on the internet. It belongs to anyone that reads it and cares to write here.
Of course. Everyone is welcome and free to read and post here. But I am also free and welcome to let them know if they are on topic, being offensive, not going to get a response from me, etc.
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You share this thread with everyone. Sure we can get back on track with your questions, but you'll have to give a bit too.
Alright I know. But I'm not in a laughing mood so much. Just wasting time getting you guys to behave.
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If you don't see a reason to change your perspective and don't care what people think here and take what they say to heart, regardless of how they say it then I think it might be a difficult ride for you.
I am completely level headed. I am getting something out of any person's personal wisdom. Absolutely.
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If you are nothing like the old poster, then please, try again to explain what you would like to have help with. I think most people are lost in the words you use. Please try again?
I will definitely self-reflect. I totally know where you are coming from. I've been on the outside looking in before and I take your words to heart. Even if I don't feel I am like that person, I will give myself the benefit of the doubt of listening to you and triple checking myself, my intentions, my inner motivations, everything. I don't want to play with fire the wrong way.

My instincts are that I am poly. My intuition tells me that there are hundreds of thousands like me who had to go about this their own way like I am firstly attempting. But I am glad that this forum and good people like yourself are here on the net so that I can readjust, reflect, realign focuses, so that I can enrich the earth the way I feel in my heart I want to.
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  #94  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:13 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Evan, I'm not going to quote and debate everything you said in one of the other recent posts addressed to me. As someone else said, you have managed to offend every woman on this thread. You have had a number of people say bluntly you are coming off as arrogant and chauvinistic. Your response is to accuse people of flipping off the deep end. To tell people what their real motivations are.

If you are in pain, then please listen to the advice you're being given here.

And just a thought: People who repeatedly assure you how honest they are...usually aren't. People who repeatedly assure others they can be trusted...usually can't be. The same is true for maturity. It shows in actions so much so that a truly mature person would never even think to tell someone else that they are mature. Their own maturity is so much a part of them that they don't even think in those terms anymore, kwim?

Best of luck in your search for help.
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  #95  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:14 AM
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1. My response was directed to your question to NYCIndie where you asked what the funny thing was that made her spill her coke.

2. Words: I would strongly advice you to think about using the exact words you mean when describing your situation or thoughts. Words have meaning and socially accepted undertones for a reason. No one here is a mind reader and just because you take the liberty to use words you see fit in a more 'casual context' and think something in the back of your mind which would give them some different meaning or complete their meaning from your point of view, use different words or start to explain some more.

Because, if I take the much discussed example of a den/harem: Never ever would I get the notion of using a word like that to describe any kind of healthy poly relationship. You used it in a serious way, skimming through the options and possibilities that where in there for you. From my point of view: just the fact THAT you use something like this to voice yourself is kind of off putting. Same for cock-block or being the most mature person of a whole island (seriously man, how can anyone think that way? Let alone the fact that you said that there are even people you haven't met in person yet?) and so on. I bet this can be applied to any negative aspect the other posters pointed out and seemed therefore 'offensive' to you. This is written conversation, there are only words to get information about the subject someone is talking about. So choose them a bit more carefully, I would recommend.

3. Sorry if my language isn't that understandable for you, I am no native speaker. I hope this was clear enough this time and not confusing as well.
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Last edited by Phy; 09-04-2012 at 06:23 AM.
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  #96  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:16 AM
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If you want to talk about respecting people, try not saying WTF to them.
You, are getting a rise, out of me. Don't talk to me the way you have been if you don't want frustrated incited responses. Take responsibility. Don't act blind to why I might be talking like that like you've been on vacation and have no idea what's going on.
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  #97  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:25 AM
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I answered your question to RP, seriously, sincerely and pointblankly. You disregard the post.
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  #98  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:28 AM
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I think you quoted someone else as me somehow Evan.

I don't suggest going ahead and simply having a threesome. It usually doesn't work out to create healthy long term relationships based on love and partnership to just make people have threesomes. You've got a shit load of work to do with your gf before you can even get to the point where she will think about your loving another let alone having sex with another. If you want sex, maybe you should find some swingers and work on that with your gf.
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  #99  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:34 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by evanevans View Post
You, are getting a rise, out of me. Don't talk to me the way you have been if you don't want frustrated incited responses. Take responsibility. Don't act blind to why I might be talking like that like you've been on vacation and have no idea what's going on.
I have not sworn at you once. I will not swear at you. Neither, to my knowledge, has anyone on this board sworn at you. You have the power to not swear at others. You asked why you might be coming across as a chauvinist and I told you why, in addition to explaining why you might come across as arrogant. I told you, exactly as many others have, that it appears you are pushing your girlfriend into something she's been very clear she Does. Not. Want. I'm sorry that incites you.
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  #100  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:35 AM
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Yeah much better English thanks!
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1. My response was directed to your question to NYCIndie where you asked what the funny thing was that made her spill her coke.
Ohh, no I think she spit out her coke because maybe my response was so long? I have no idea. I asked why, but I didn't get an answer.
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Originally Posted by Phy View Post
2. Words: I would strongly advice you to think about using the exact words you mean when describing your situation or thoughts. Words have meaning and socially accepted undertones for a reason. No one here is a mind reader and just because you take the freedom to use words you see fit in a more 'casual context' and think something in the back of your mind which would give them some different meaning or complete their meaning from your point of view, use different words or start to explain some more.
Of course. But mistakes will happen. But thanks, yes, very true.
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Because, if I take the much discussed example of a den/harem: Never ever would I get the notion of using a word like that to describe any kind of healthy poly relationship.
Yeah well I am just such a virgin to the poly community. It was like in that movie the 40-year old Virgin, he'd be like "Yeah, let's totally go party. Let's whack it." He just had no idea why he was using the words he was using. I'm not that bad, but pretty close when trying to open up and describe my inner thoughts to you guys. I don't have the wide vocabulary. I kind of rely on you guys to help me tone it in the right direction. No one has actually supplied another word to use. On my own I came up with the idea of calling it a "Birdhouse with the windows open".
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You used it in a serious way, skimming through the options and possibilities that where in there for you.
Yeah and I think that was also the sentiment from my fiancee in that moment, spiraling her to practical nervous breakdown. So maybe using that word here was helpful in describing the mood of the it. But I think everyone focused on that so way too heavily. It was not what my fiancee and I have been discussing at all. It was a fleeting moment. Albeit a strong notion. Of course I didn't say Harem to her. We just talked about living with more people.
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From my point of view: just the fact THAT you use something like this to voice yourself is kind of off putting. Same for cock-block or being the most mature person of a whole island (seriously man, how can anyone think that way? Let alone the fact that you said that there are even people you haven't met in person yet?) and so on.
Are you aware of your own maturity levels? Do you have a lot of experience with people? I mean big city experience. I used to meet 300 people in one night. I was doing this 6 days a week. I had to print 1000s of business cards every week. I did this in Beverly Hills and Hollywood. I did this for years. I knew about 20% of the people in Beverly Hills my sidekick and I once figured. That's a lot in case you aren't sure. Beverly Hills has a lot of people in it. Anyway, I'm not from the boonies. I know people, personalities, and I know how they tick. I was a professional poker player for 2 years. In Beverly Hills I am far from the most mature person there. I know my place. And by mature I mean respectful towards other people, in friendships, in relationships, family, coworkers. Here on the forum, I am nowhere near mature. You guys see me as an infant. That's ok. I know my place. But when I tell you I am the most mature guy on this island, I really do mean it. Most guys here are wife beaters with machetes. The one's who are more mature, leave the island to create a more promising life. Yeah ok, I'm talking out of my ass somewhat, but it's not from an uneducated place. It's a very informed statement. You can hold me to it. You guys don't know me. My IQ. My wisdom. Just because I choose to talk from the hip, casually, doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. But yeah, I take responsibility for talking in a way that makes me sound presumptuous and conceited. I'm sure when Einstein said he understood the Relativity of the Universe and told someone he didn't know about that in science, they thought he was an arrogant fool.
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I bet this can be applied to any negative aspect the other posters pointed out and seemed therefore 'offensive' to you. This is written conversation, there are only words to get information about the subject someone is talking about. So choose them a bit more carefully, I would recommend.
Thanks.
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3. Sorry if my language isn't that understandable for you, I am no native speaker. I hope this was clear enough this time and not confusing as well.
Perfect this time. Thank you!
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