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  #1451  
Old 09-01-2012, 05:41 AM
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Thanks Mohegan nice to see you here again!
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  #1452  
Old 09-01-2012, 11:59 PM
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I read someone's post on a fb group today that they were dumping the term poly and going with open/fluid marriage instead. It reminded me of a time when I too did the same thing. The term"poly" got so weighted for me I needed to step away from it, see it as an umbrella term and then pick and chose what worked from what I saw. It was a process of making it my own. Well, I own it now I guess. I found my sub-community. I found people that are poly yet have other things in common with me besides that. Finally somewhere to belong.
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  #1453  
Old 09-02-2012, 04:12 PM
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I'm at my parents house on the island this weekend spending some last moments of summer with Mono. He says hi to anyone who cares to hear hi by the way. He's making coffee downstairs below the loft bedroom we gravitate to when we are here.

PN is home and having a good time with his friends. Two female friends. He's light hearted and happily texting us and putting pictures on fb joking around. He loves his alone time with us away.

LB is still in Toronto, having been to the CN tower, Niagara falls, the zoo and today they go to the science center. He's been having a great time. Its hotter there than he is used to though and he calls every night exhausted.

Derby is on the last day of her epic camping trip as she calls it. I haven't heard tons from her, but did here that her husband is away for work again and that she has her parents coming the moment she gets back. She will be sad her trip is over and life comes flooding back I think.

Brad is camping with his family. The jokes between him, his wife, Mono, and I went on all last night via text. Mono likes to tease him. Its nice to see him unthreatened and proud of his position in my life. Unwavering and sure of himself. That is how I like to see him. A break from his struggles with retiring is welcome this weekend.

I decided to leave to issue of Mono's female friend alone. I don't talk about her and he doesn't either. He has realised how one can love another while loving their partner and that seems to be enough for him. He has told me there is nothing to pursue there and I decided to trust that.

I texted both Leo and Ken this week to tell them I miss them. Fuck it, why hold on to my envy of them spending time with others when really I just miss them. I was inspired first by telling Ken that. I felt good releasing that feeling and sharing it. It was out there. I admitted it and felt better.

I texted Leo next hoping for the same result and got it. He didn't respond but I don't need a response to feel better. I don't need there to be some kind of huge movement of change from them. Its enough that they know. The movement of change has come from within some how. I'm not sure how yet, other than I feel like I have kept myself from feeling badly.

Ken wrote back right away and said he hopes we can spend time together as he misses me to. He and his gf are off for the weekend too. My relationship with my co-worker, his gf has changed somehow. We seem to have some kind of understanding of one another that wasn't there before. I'm not sure what that is, but its not a negative thing. We don't speak much more than we used to, but when we do its with a closeness that we haven't had before.

Mono and I are off to enjoy the island today. Fall is here it seems. The sun is low, the grass and forests are dry, eager for a winter of rain, the locals are buzzing with the last of the tourists on the island. Tonight we are going to a local party at a pub restaurant that closes for the season tonight. Should be fun.
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  #1454  
Old 09-03-2012, 02:42 AM
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Hi Mono! *waves*

Smiling about all the fun LB is having in my hometown. I miss it so. I'm happy y'all are connecting on your own, separate experiences and all that.

When everyone gets back together I'm sure the stories will be endless.
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  #1455  
Old 09-03-2012, 10:14 PM
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Last night I noticed Mono's lady friend and him were messaging on fb. Trying to follow my own agreement with myself that I wouldn't bring it up or go to that place of feeling threatened and fearful of his cheating on me or leaving me, I left it alone.

What I couldn't do is change how it affected me so I remained quiet and worked on it within myself. In time he asked what was up and asked if I had seen that she was writing to him. Its was the first time he had asked me to engage in a conversation with him about her. Usually its me who brings it up in a fit of feeling destraught.

I said I had seen her face on his tablet screen and that I was working on not reacting negatively. He held me close and told me she had messaged him to tell him about a song she liked. He said that everything was back to normal between them. I asked what that meant and he said it meant that the friendship they had was as it used to be. Just friendship. He said that he isn't going to leave me, that I don't need to worry, he loves me and has no reason to be with anyone else.

It was the first time he reassured me without my asking. I immediately felt reassured and believed him. I asked him today if he noticed the difference in how we related to one another because of his reassurance. He said he did. I told him I hoped he would reassure me more often now as it just works better for both of us if he tells me honestly how he feels in the moment. It works to do as I request in regards to getting my needs met.

I am so thankful to of made this new turn around with him. I feel it might be the dawn of some new headway for our relationship. I feel like I am breathing fresh air.
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  #1456  
Old 09-03-2012, 10:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
Hi Mono! *waves*

Smiling about all the fun LB is having in my hometown. I miss it so. I'm happy y'all are connecting on your own, separate experiences and all that.

When everyone gets back together I'm sure the stories will be endless.
Off to meet up with LB and PN now. Mono says hi.
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  #1457  
Old 09-03-2012, 11:11 PM
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You know, this is causing me to think hard about the kind of agreement I would make with a poly-friendly mono man -- to wit, there would have to be an agreement not to blindside me with "Hey, she's shinier; I'm leaving you!" Because I know mono is mono and might prefer a mono partner, but a relationship is a relationship no matter the orientations of the people involved. People need to do right by each other, as Mono's doing right by you by checking in. <3
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  #1458  
Old 09-04-2012, 04:07 AM
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there would have to be an agreement not to blindside me with "Hey, she's shinier; I'm leaving you!" Because I know mono is mono and might prefer a mono partner
This has been my issue in his crush/infatuation with this woman. Mono schooled me well in believing that if he turned his glance elsewhere it would mean the end of what we have. He said he would still be in my life, but as a friend. That was not okay with me and I always feared he would leave me for someone more suitable. Someone mono minded. He's mono, that's how it works.

He always said that what we have is perfect for him. I don't require huge amounts of his time, I leave him to his own devices as I have my own life going on with others and require a large amount for independence. I was challenged when she came into the picture. Especially as his crush had gone on for months and he never told me. She too felt the same it turned out. I still think she does and that is why she continues to write to him at interesting moments where I am particularly close to him... (As is evident on fb).

I thought we had an agreement of no blindsiding. Yet how does one go about not doing that. Its impossible in mono relationships when they end I think. Maybe if it ends before someone new comes along? That's the only way I can see that a mono relationship would end without one person being blind sided by their partner leaving them for another. Either you are in the relationship or not. There is no working in another partner together with them.

The two of them could not be together because she is married anyway. Another thing that makes me very nervous. Her marriage is struggling and he offers a way out to her I think. Even if its a fantasy of something different, exciting, new, more rewarding than what she has with her husband.

If he decided to be poly she would have to be part of my life and he would not want that. He doesn't think we would get along. He would have to choose if that is the case and I wonder sometimes if that is why he chooses not to take on poly with her. He could push it if she meant that much. Couldn't he?

If she didn't work out, maybe someone sometime will. He says not, because it was such a unique experience. Maybe he's right. There are a lot of complicated factors. Who knows.
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  #1459  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
If he decided to be poly she would have to be part of my life and he would not want that. He doesn't think we would get along. He would have to choose if that is the case and I wonder sometimes if that is why he chooses not to take on poly with her. He could push it if she meant that much. Couldn't he?
RP, I am just wondering if this idea is really something you are more flexible about than you think. What does it mean to you to be "part of your life"? I know you spend a lot of time with metamours and that metamour friendship is an important part of how you do poly, but do any of your partners have partners that you don't see or that you've just met briefly?

If Mono wanted to tackle poly, and his involvement with somebody just meant he'd be out of the house a few days a week for dates elsewhere because he felt more comfortable keeping things segregated, would that affect you in any other way than you might be lonely because he wasn't around as much?

This just made me wonder if you look differently at a new partner who happens to have a lover who doesn't want to hang out with you (as in not your ideal, but its fine because you know what to expect going in), vs how you are with Mono, because if he had a new partner you'd be much more comfortable if they fit into the framework/family you have that already exists, so that unknown is much more scary if even his poly might be exclusionary instead of inclusionary.

Is there a way you could meet this woman? Go out of your way to pick them him up while she'll be present or something? I just get the feeling that if you did even just get the chance to say hi to each other, things might get clearer for all three of you.

And I too would think that other circumstances in the future could lead to a situation like this for him again. I don't know how much of a loner Mono is, if his current leaning towards still feeling firmly monogamous after this long in a relationship with you is actively about not being poly, or wanting/wishing to spend a majority of his time with someone he loves.

It seems there is a lot of group time for your loves/family/friends in order to be able to be able to get face time with the people you all want to spend time with. With retirement coming up and your dating more and have less exclusive time with him, he'll have more time on his hands. If part of the struggle is having less time with you where he feels like he's your main squeeze those days/nights and it requires more shared time to get to be with you, then that's another thing that will need to be addressed if he hasn't thought about how that will impact him. You probably have talked about what that will look like or if it will become an issue, but maybe you haven't since the focus may have been on this female friend and what's going on there instead.
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  #1460  
Old 09-08-2012, 06:49 PM
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I put some thoughts into words today and thought I would share. I have been trying to explain to Brad how I don't have any primaries or secondaries and why. I have a husband (PN), sure, but I have never thought of him as primary from the get go. My love is just as important and vital to my life as my husband or any of the other loves I have.

I think its because I chose whom I agree with and don't agree with and just because I have a commitment with someone doesn't mean I have to agree with everything they do. That for me was a profound understanding of myself in terms of my independence from others. I have my own set of values. I don't meld with those that I am partnered with. Its mine. I created it and I nurture it.

I find that often couples entering poly think that they have to support everything their partner does and be there for them regardless of how it effects them. I don't agree with that. I think it is okay to say to them, "you know sweety, I don't agree with what you are doing (this is why) but I love you enough to not let it come between us, so I think you have to go do that yourself and find others to support you on that one." It means that you can have a separate life from you partner yet still be committed to them.

I have different friends from my husband, different loves, different hobbies, even different dreams, but when I committed for life, I meant it and intend to be there regardless of what he does. I make that same commitment to every partner I have. I commit to being present in OUR RELATIONSHIP, not in everything they do. That is why I have no primary. I am responsible for how I represent myself and I will do what it takes to portray who I am as a person, not as a unit of two or more.
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