How do you manage your triggers?
I'm a mono female in a relationship with a non-mono male (open relationship, he dates around).
I have issues with jealousy (insecurity, fear, occasionally anger, sadness) and envy that I am working on.
This is a hard time in my life to be going through this, I think (new baby, no nearby friends or family for support, no longer working because of baby, he works full-time), but I did nothing to get myself out of this situation. I considered it, we discussed it, and I stayed.
I love my partner more than anything and would like to be with him for as long as humanly possible. I am willing to do the work to do so, even though some days it is overwhelming and I just want to quit. It can be depressing, but I know if I go to a dark place in my head that something is wrong, and I need to fix it. I have a pretty negative world view. I am working on this as well.
We've been seeing each other for about 2.5 years. Non-monogamy has been relevant for a year and a few months. I really only started working on trying to be okay with it, as opposed to ignoring it, at the beginning of this year.
I'm getting a little off-topic, but I guess that is some background for you.
A while back (perhaps a months ago?) we had a bit of a disagreement that we have resolved, but during that time he had a flurry of communication with women he was interested in, constant texting and messaging on the computer, all day for about 2 days. It made me very upset, very jealous, and overall very unhappy.
It did subside after a couple of days.
Before that, his texting and messaging other women already made me uncomfortable, but since then, the sound of him opening and closing his phone, or typing for more than a few seconds at a time (signifying he is typing a message, or a comment on something... my mind always goes to messaging a girl, obviously, or it wouldn't be a problem), I get this surge of unpleasantness. Jealousy. Annoyance. Sadness or anger, sometimes.
It doesn't happen every time, but often enough that it really bothers me.
The trigger bothers me. The fact that I am reacting in such a way bothers me.
Lately he has been just leaving his phone open more often, so there is no tell-tale click half the time, and it doesn't bother me so much. I don't know if he does this because I've told him the sound triggers these feelings, or for his own convenience, but either way, it has helped.
Now obviously, I can not ask him not to text or message the women he is interested in. I can't ask him not to open his phone, or type messages on the computer. Can not. Would not. That is ridiculous, and impractical.
I realize this is a rather silly issue to have. It's not like he's bringing girls home and having sex with them in front of me. He only goes out with someone once or twice a week, He's just answering messages. Sometimes more frequently than I am comfortable with, or during certain times I would rather he not, but still.. they're just messages.
I am trying to get to the root of my insecurities, but this is taking time.
Does anyone else have silly little actions that trigger such an unpleasant reaction?
How do you deal with them? How have you gotten over them in the past?
|envy, jealousy, mono / poly, mono/poly, trigger, triggers|