Huge Problem likely Small Issue for your veterans, please help

[lovefromgirl]

Originally Posted by evanevans

And the idea of "playing" like a player plays, is repulsive. I have never been that disrespectful to women.

Bolding mine. I don't know if you realise what you're doing, but you use "girls" to describe the people you want to be intimate with throughout this thread. While you make it clear that you would like to take care of them, in the process you've also implied that they're not supposed to be fully-grown and able to take care of themselves. I'll be generous and assume that's not how you meant it, but the language you choose to describe them to us has its own context.

Perhaps you should choose your words just as carefully in English as you say you have to in Spanish.

-- A Woman

[PolyPhonic]

Originally Posted by snowmelt

You sound very sincere. The most important thing you can do is figure out who you are, and how you want to live. It sounds like you already know how important that is, and you're working on it.

Just make sure you only make commitments and promises you can keep.

Thanks. You too.

Originally Posted by snowmelt

Since a dozen is 12, several dozen could be 48 or 60.

40.

I once went on 3 different dates in one evening, each meaningful with different girls I was already dating (it wasn't for meet and greet, they were full on amorous dates).

And I used to party in Beverly Hills, go to a bunch of parties every night. LA's a fun town if you know how to tap into it.

[snowmelt]

Originally Posted by evanevans

40

As I was writing my last reply, I was thinking to myself: "This guy might actually give me the number" - and you did. That's funny.

[PolyPhonic]

Originally Posted by snowmelt

As I was writing my last reply, I was thinking to myself: "This guy might actually give me the number" - and you did. That's funny.

Hahaha, yeah it is, I took the opportunity to fill in the punch line properly.

[GalaGirl]

Let me clarify. When I say have the conversation and ACCEPT THE RESULT? I mean stop pushing. Pointing her to resources to educate on poly is one thing. Then she can make her decision from a place of information and not ignorance if she wishes to read more.

Pushing "Let's try it!" when she has no enthusiasm or desire for it is another. Her body, heart, mind, soul BEING is HERS to share as she sees fit. NOT YOURS. So back off on that. You do not own her any more than she owns you.

If you have the conversation and she says she does NOT want to go there? Accept she does NOT want to go there with you.

And if you are at this place?

I have changed/grown into this, and she either comes with me, learns to compromise or tolerate it, or we do have to go our separate ways.

Then JUST END IT. Stop peddling the idea and stop peddling the "aw c'mon... give it a try!" It flat won't work. Don't be a pushy poly person.

End it fast and clean and ethically. Stop dragging out the misery for both of you. Move on toward future happiness instead of beating a dead horse.

It's cruel/unkind to keep on and on that way. Accept this is a basic mismatch and end it. See if you can be good exes and leave it at that.


GG

[Vinccenzo]

You might benefit from figuring out just how large you want this compound to be and how it would need to be set up, living arrangements and whatnot. Keep
in mind that it won't just be your place if you are to be sincere about it. It will belong to all involved and need room to grow for the other partners these women might bring in and the children that can and likely will add to the population. Will it matter to you if not all the kids are your genetic material? What happens if one of your female partners has other partners and ends up pregnant by one of them and not you? Do they have to move out at that point?

There is much here that could be beautiful but a good bit of it probably hasn't even occurred to you yet. You speak only of you and her and her and her and her and her and kids and - well buddy it sounds like you're running on OOP standards and at that point it stops being about family and love and just ends up all about your wang. What's in it for the others at that point?

[PolyPhonic]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

Let me clarify. When I say have the conversation and ACCEPT THE RESULT? I mean stop pushing. Pointing her to resources to educate on poly is one thing. Then she can make her decision from a place of information and not ignorance if she wishes to read more.

Pushing "Let's try it!" when she has no enthusiasm or desire for it is another. Her body, heart, mind, soul BEING is HERS to share as she sees fit. NOT YOURS. So back off on that. You do not own her any more than she owns you.

If you have the conversation and she says she does NOT want to go there? Accept she does NOT want to go there with you.

And if you are at this place?


Then JUST END IT. Stop peddling the idea and stop peddling the "aw c'mon... give it a try!" It flat won't work. Don't be a push poly person.

End it fast and clean and ethically. Stop dragging out the misery for both of you. Move on toward future happiness instead of beating a dead horse.

It's cruel/unkind to keep on and on that way. Accept this is a basic mismatch and end it. See if you can be good exes and leave it at that.

GG

Thanks GG, I really appreciate your direct sensible wise words. Letting it sink in. Thank you.

[snowmelt]

You've put a lot of effort into explaining how open minded you are, but you have not been able to see your girlfriend's desire to be mono as a valid, healthy, honorable option for her. While claiming to be open minded, you have actually been very closed minded about the lifestyle choices other people make that are different from the one you have chosen for yourself. People who are truly open minded see the value in all lifestyle choices, including monogamy. They respect the lifestyle choices others make for themselves, even when different from their own.

[DarayTala]

If theres one thing I've learned from polyamory, and relationships in general, its that things don't usually go as planned. I understand your desires, when I started out I wanted nothing more than a big family of people, all loving one another (even if not physically involved) and all living in the same house and caring for each other. I'm lucky now to have the two wonderful partners that I do, and have seen my dream come true. It really wasn't that simple though. I've been with my fiance the whole time, but many other partners have come and gone. Many people who I've been close to, were not people my fiance got close to or opened up to. I am very lucky in my second partner. I would never have expected Lady and my fiance to become the dear friends they are, or for us to have become such a closely bonded family, but it did happen. I learned many times along the way that you can't force things. People are unpredictable, with very varied and vast needs and desires, and those you love may not have the same desires as you. Those who have the same desires, may not be the people you end up getting close to. And above all, people are ever changing and growing beings, and just because your love and desires for a certain lifestyle match up for a time, doesn't mean they always will.

I would strongly advise that you focus not on your eventual goal of a household of women, but on meeting individuals and growing close to them. I found that when I focused on just building healthy relationships, that the rest fell into place in time. Also, you need to realize that these are individuals. They may like some of what you want, but not other parts. They will possibly want to date each other or other people outside of the household. In time you might find that you want that as well, even if you may not feel that way now. They may want to be the ones who help take care of you, not just be taken care of. Some may not want children, or may already have children. Think all this through and take it into account. Are you willing to develop healthy relationships and give these hypothetical women the freedom to grow and love in the ways they choose, even if it may not fall in line with your plan? Can you compromise and give up some things for them, or change and negotiate with them? Because you will almost certainly have to if you want to make this work for you. You need honest and open communication, and the ability to compromise and work with a partner, not just be in charge and "take care of them". Can you do all that?

Also, as far as you soon to be wife, talk to her. Talk frankly about what you want and how important it is to you, and why it is so important. If she does not want the same things, either one or both of you need to compromise and change, or you should end things. Its hard, I know, but its better than you both trying to force yourselves into a relationship that can't satisfy either of your needs and goals in life.

I do hope you eventually find happiness and reach your goals and dreams.

[PolyPhonic]

Originally Posted by snowmelt

You've put a lot of effort into explaining how open minded you are, but you have not been able to see your girlfriend's desire to be mono as a valid, healthy, honorable option for her. While claiming to be open minded, you have actually been very closed minded about the lifestyle choices other people make that are different from the one you have chosen for yourself. People who are truly open minded see the value in all lifestyle choices, including monogamy. They respect the lifestyle choices others make for themselves, even when different from their own.

What are you talking about? Absolutely not true. What did I say that made you think this? I'm sure I paraphrased something and it got taken in a different context or something, because that is completely not true about myself.