The Can of Worms and the Long Story
Ok here goes:
My Temperament and Some Clues:
About my angle/history first. I think in my heart (and a lot of my actions) I have always leaned toward polyamory. I never get jealous or understood jealousy, as if I was born without it. Even when my high school boyfriend cheated on me, it was the lying and betrayal of our agreement that upset me, not the fact that he had connected with or had sex with another. Even then I realized I would be ok with it if he had just discussed his desire with me first. But without the trust and respect to our commitment, we had to break up.
I have always been a flirt, and always been upfront with those I date that I am such a way. But most importantly - I have developed non-sexual loving relationships with others while in monogamous relationships. I don't mean friends, either - actual "I love you, if we were available we would date" relationships. I never purposely hid these, but have been guilty of downplaying them. I guess I thought if we never slept together, it wouldn't be cheating. I never asked for more because I thought that building a loving long term relationship was hard enough, hoping for that kind of freedom was just unrealistic.
When I started dating my husband, I thought I could resist getting involved in those other relationships. It worked out that way, until a girl from my past re-entered my life. We ARE full on in love and attracted to each other, but never got to be together exclusively any time during the 10 years we've known each other. I explained it to him and he was not threatened, probably because she is a "she", is from my past (it was established), he knew I wouldn't "cheat" with sex, and she lived so far away.
So my relationship with her picked up again. Let's call her Jessi.
How and Why We Started Swinging:
Fast forward to getting married. I was ready for marriage, excited and confident. But as the date rolled around, I realized I would NEVER have sex with another person ever again! Never develop a new love. Hell, I didn't even remember the last time I was with anyone else. It didn't help that another couple we were friends with (composed in half by a guy I went to High school with) had a "free pass". His girlfriend was free to, even encouraged to sleep with another friend of ours. It worked out very well for them, we had seen and witnessed it, and none thought it was odd.
Why didn't I have a free pass? I had never had difficulty being monogamous before, so why was I freaking out now that it was time to get married? Would I be tempted to cheat? Am I not ready? I FELT ready...
For the sake of honesty, I had to tell my fiancee how I felt. And to prevent the risk of cheating, I HAD to ask what we could do - could I have one last fling? Maybe more? God, that was a scary request to make. But we talked it out, and turns out it wasn't such a big deal!
Our Experience Swinging:
So off I went, and had a wonderful time with the male half of the previously mentioned couple. We were so amazed by the lack of hard feelings, insecurity, and damage that we started discussing swinging. Reading and learning about it made me exclaim "It's so obvious! Why hadn't I realized I was this way before?" Plus, the option of finally getting a FFM threesome probably sweetened the deal! lol.
I was straight-out giddy! It was as if the sun shined brighter and all the world was suddenly more beautiful! We didn't even make any "rules" off the bat. We knew there was no way to predict every variation of every situation, and we would HATE for the other to miss out on a great opportunity because they didn't know if it would upset the other. Plus, you never quite know how something will affect you until it happens. So our strategy was to try it out bit by bit, increasing intensity each time until we found what we didn't like. We knew that even if something went too far, we could simply talk about it and take it off the table for the future with no lingering anger.
We went deeper and deeper and never hit a wall. After each encounter, we would try to talk about it afterward. We thought there would be some big long discussion, but each time we were both OK with EVERYTHING. Truly had little to say about it other than how fun it was or not. We even talked the other couple into joining the lifestyle with us! Everything was great, and the marriage was effortless. We genuinely LOVED seeing the other person get pleasure, not just sexually, either. It improved our sex life, AND our trust. How perfect!
Wait a Minute - That isn't Swinging!!
The safety of the swinging is that you aren't in love with these people. Sure, friends with benefits is great, and I personally prefer "repeat business". What threw everything for a loop was Jessi - I love her, we have history, and she wants to come visit - Is it OK to sleep with her? What if she moves down here? Love AND sex AND relationship - that's not really swinging is it?
Enter another complicated discussion. This is when the polyamory word first came up. It was shorter and easier than the swinging one, and if she did indeed move down, all would be well. We would take it as it comes and my husband was totally fine with it. Again, I think a big part of that was because I loved her before I ever met him, and she was a girl. But what about new loves? What about guys?
Didn't take long for THAT issue to come up! Lol. The first guy I was with other than my husband (from the swinging couple) became very good friends with us. I spent a lot of time with him, we fooled around often, and over the course of the year, my husband could see us getting more and more attached to each other.
Surprisingly, he wasn't even a little upset about these new feelings of mine. After more discussion, we decided we would approach this relationship the same as Jessi. Things just got suddenly real - this is a GUY, he is nearby, this could really be a big thing. Definitely NOT swinging - we had to admit that I, at least, am most certainly NOT monogamous.
Where it Gets REALLY Hairy:
Lets call this guy Moon. I'm a bad bad girl, and I know it. Moon's girlfriend does not know and would not approve of me and him fooling around. I didn't really know this at first, but know it now, and continue. I'm not trying to get them to breakup, but hope that they do because she is so terribly mean to him. I wont justify or apologize for him and his cheating. It's wrong and we both know it.
Also, Moon tried a free pass with another girl who was his friend. He was very clear with her that he loved his GF, she knew about it, and that he had no intentions of leaving his GF or falling in love. Unfortunately, she DID fall in love with him, admitted while crying in the middle of dinner, and tried to convince him to leave his GF. Poor Moon was shocked and distraught. He had to cut ties.
Moon does not know that I'm allowed to "date" him and does not know how much I care about him. I want to tell him all of it, but am afraid that will chase him away. I am not entirely clear how much he cares about me (my husband thinks he loves me) Often when we get "too close" he will back away and disappear for a little while. I won't be hurt if he decides not to progress our relationship or break up with his GF, I will be just fine with the way things are now... I just REALLY want to know how he feels about me, and want him to know that I AM an option. But who would want to date a married girl?
I truly don't know what to do or how to go about this. Its all starting off on the wrong foot with the cheating.