poly and military

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I've got 20 years in the military spending months away from home. I was married before beginning deployments and was still happily married at the end of my deployment years. What happened after that was not deployment related but a product of my own weakness in connecting with myself.

I am wondering if that connection was lost somehow due to the fact that you were deployed for parts of your married life? I have heard you say before that it damaged the connection you have with your daughter because you weren't around when she was little as much as perhaps other dad's can be, but how did it, or did it, take a toll on the relationship you had with your wife?

I would wonder how poly would work for a married couple if one was away so much? How would a deep connection could be achieved? I struggle to understand this as I have never lived it and am of the view that I would not be able to achieve any long term depth with a person if I or they were away so much, poly relationship or not. Especially a poly relationship!
I think it would:
a) take a very unique and strong person to be in a marriage with someone in the military,
.... and
b) an even more unique and strong person to be POLY and be in a marriage with someone in the military.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

There is enough pressure in going away from home for half a year. It'll be hard for people not in the military to relate or even guess at what it would be like.
I think the one way it could work is if you had an established functioning relationship built long before deployments so everyone was very settled. So essentially the relationship would be support for the person left at home. In that case I could see comfort and a benefit to this.

Well, I guess this answered part of it for me.... anyone else?

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

The person deploying could probably find lots of random "fuck buddies" or friends with benefits for short periods of times but again, only if that is how poly works for you. If you want to use poly as a way to justify one night stands and plenty of flings, feel free to go that way as well as there are plenty of people just waiting for that level of permission. That is generally not based on love but a desire to get off.

I have heard that it is not acceptable for relationships to develop with other military members while deployed... this above quote sounds more like an "open relationship" with a spouse at home might work better. What about those who are away, would it be better if that "no relationships" policy were not there? Would there be more freedom and less broken families? My mum works for the military in Child and Family services, or did, and she quite often talks bout the broken homes as a result of deployment.... again... any thoughts?

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I supervise on average 15 people when deployed at sea. There is a massive amount of time dedicated to addressing their family issues as is. So while I can see the poly dynamic working for very mature individuals I don't see it being very easy in an environment filled with young people who have a hard enough time adhering to non fraternization regulations as it is LOL! If the military seems overly controlling that is because it is - but those who sign up know it.

wow, yes, that is a dynamic I hadn't thought of....! I am really so new to all this!

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

All this being said - I know poly people in the military and am not sure how it works for them. I do not deploy any more which is a good thing. Poly is a part of my life through Redpepper not because I chose it. It works because of very specific things. Going away for extended periods of time would not be a workable thing for me personally.

I am really curious to hear more... I find this so fascinating as it is soooo not been apart of my life.

[MonoVCPHG]

I will definitely spend some time coming up with a response to your questions Lilo. Tonight I think. This is not one I want to answer in a hurry so it comes out right

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Originally Posted by BloodGamers

Well I've been see a lot of similarties between the US and Candian military [aka not so much bullshit (just saying)] so I don't think it will be a problem being a soild servicemember cause I am red white blue and green to the core, but my luck would be getting a higher up that is the super religious guy....he he a Super-Jesus lol j/k/.

The Canadian military was dragged kicking and screaming down the road of universal acceptance and non-discrimination some time ago, as the laws affecting the military were finally updated to reflect our Charter of Rights and Freedoms. I don't think it qualifies for early adoption, but the Canadian Forces is ahead of some other countries in terms of integrating women into all roles (including Combat roles and Submarines) as well as removing barriers for Homosexuals, etc. As Mono said, it is currently quite progressive ... in military terms.

From what I've gathered of the US services, they still have pretty heavy handed policies still written into the regulations when it comes to relationships, fraternization, and homosexuality. I don't know what the latest is on integration of females into front line Combat units (I think yes?) and Submarines (Not sure)...but I do suspect it's coming. It won't be quick though. Military organizations are generally the slowest institution to change their form in response to changes in the society they represent.

(Hell, the differences are still entrenched in the Boy Scout organizations between to the countries...what hope would the militaries have of being the same?!)

Regardless of who your boss ends up being, as long as the organization keeps it a matter of policy and regulation, you'll probably want to tread very very carefully. Research the hell out of the regulations and policies for your own protection and edification.

The funniest part about the whole thing...is that military types on long deployments are known to get up to 'no good'....and their spouses left at home are known to do the same. So...if they want to kick you out for being Poly...they might have a regulation for that. If however you were just cheating on your wife...there's probably no regulation against that...nor a form to fill out, and it'd be largely ignored, or simply accepted as the normal way things happen.

[BloodGamers]

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion

The Canadian military was dragged kicking and screaming down the road of universal acceptance and non-discrimination some time ago, as the laws affecting the military were finally updated to reflect our Charter of Rights and Freedoms. I don't think it qualifies for early adoption, but the Canadian Forces is ahead of some other countries in terms of integrating women into all roles (including Combat roles and Submarines) as well as removing barriers for Homosexuals, etc. As Mono said, it is currently quite progressive ... in military terms.

From what I've gathered of the US services, they still have pretty heavy handed policies still written into the regulations when it comes to relationships, fraternization, and homosexuality. I don't know what the latest is on integration of females into front line Combat units (I think yes?) and Submarines (Not sure)...but I do suspect it's coming. It won't be quick though. Military organizations are generally the slowest institution to change their form in response to changes in the society they represent.

(Hell, the differences are still entrenched in the Boy Scout organizations between to the countries...what hope would the militaries have of being the same?!)

Regardless of who your boss ends up being, as long as the organization keeps it a matter of policy and regulation, you'll probably want to tread very very carefully. Research the hell out of the regulations and policies for your own protection and edification.

The funniest part about the whole thing...is that military types on long deployments are known to get up to 'no good'....and their spouses left at home are known to do the same. So...if they want to kick you out for being Poly...they might have a regulation for that. If however you were just cheating on your wife...there's probably no regulation against that...nor a form to fill out, and it'd be largely ignored, or simply accepted as the normal way things happen.

Women still can't serve frontline positions, submarines not sure I believe on non-combat, but once again that comes down to frontline battle arguments.

And the sad thing is your right I could get kicked out for being poly but yet if I cheat, get the other woman pregnant, and even divorce my current wife I might get some talking to and some punishment. Thats it I can also prove this with a few articles on [not the poly, but the cheating] this fact.
AF Wife needs help with Adulterer husband
Army serviceman with a TS/SCI Clearance commited adultery

A Moderator in the forums posted that, and mostly told her that he might have to pay BAH [basic allowence for housing] but that may be it. anything else *POP* "Oops sorry you married a loser. Well Good luck setting your life back together."

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I am wondering if that connection was lost somehow due to the fact that you were deployed for parts of your married life? I have heard you say before that it damaged the connection you have with your daughter because you weren't around when she was little as much as perhaps other dad's can be, but how did it, or did it, take a toll on the relationship you had with your wife? .

Interestingly enough, I don’t believe the loss of connection was due to any absence. I think it was an accumulation of years of not being connected to myself. I don’t feel we drifted apart during even 6-month deployments. There was one trip that that happened but it was precipitated by other out of the ordinary stuff in our lives.

My absences definitely played apart in my not fully bonding with my daughter during key times of her life. Especially when she was between the ages of infant to 2 and about 10 to 13. It seems as though one day I was the focus of her attention, her hero and then the next day it was gone. I had a hard time adjusting to her transitioning from child to young woman for lack of a better word. I remember going to sea one time and her hair was all the way down to her butt. I came back after 3 months and it was cut just below her ears..I felt cheated, like something was taken away from me. I could no longer braid her hair on the couch.

Originally Posted by redpepper

I would wonder how poly would work for a married couple if one was away so much? How would a deep connection could be achieved? I struggle to understand this as I have never lived it and am of the view that I would not be able to achieve any long term depth with a person if I or they were away so much, poly relationship or not. Especially a poly relationship!
I think it would:
a) take a very unique and strong person to be in a marriage with someone in the military,
.... and
b) an even more unique and strong person to be POLY and be in a marriage with someone in the military..

A) you are right – it takes an extremely independent and strong partner to support anyone gone for months at a time. Not all partners are and we see this a lot. You have to be prepared to raise a family, manage a household and possibly maintain a career as well while the other person is gone for up to a year in extreme cases. Usually deployments for me were between 3 to 6 months.

B) Being in a poly relationship and deploying is something I cannot comment on. I haven’t done it nor do I intend to try it LOL!

Relationships that include long absences can be no less deep than those that never do. Distance means nothing for some people. I "feel" connected to some people by just knowing they are there. Like my parents across the country. I almost never miss them..they are simply there. I don't actually need to see or touch them to be connected.

After a few deployments my ex wife and I simply flipped a switch when it came to me going away. We turned off the yearning part and simply knew we were going to come together again. At first it was painful but you train yourself for these absences. This 'flipping of the switch" is a tool I use in other areas of my life as well.

Originally Posted by redpepper

I have heard that it is not acceptable for relationships to develop with other military members while deployed... this above quote sounds more like an "open relationship" with a spouse at home might work better. What about those who are away, would it be better if that "no relationships" policy were not there? Would there be more freedom and less broken families? My mum works for the military in Child and Family services, or did, and she quite often talks bout the broken homes as a result of deployment.... again... any thoughts?.

Although there are regulations, which either discourage relationships within the same deploying units and others that flat out forbid it under some circumstances, these things happen. Affairs happen and marriages end. There is also the whole issue of military rankings, positions of authority, favouritism, and the ability to assess people from an unbiased standpoint. The military has a saying.."we defend democracy, we don't practice it". To say that not allowing people to form relationships in any work environment is unfair is to not understand the military environment. We have to assess our friends and coworkers, which impacts their careers. If someone is seen as having an advantage because they are in a relationship with a senior member breeds contempt and anger from their peers just like it would anywhere.

Great questions Lilo, hope I answered them somewhat