the story of a secondary

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Ergh, so stressful but so important to hash this stuff out...

Oh yes, very important. I wrote in my blog about the meltdown I had early yesterday morning, so I won't go into detail, but I had been riding on top of an uneasiness about my relationship with Lively and not looking fully at it, which colored every interaction we had over the past few weeks. Lively and I talked some deep stuff, and it was difficult and yucky at times, and I was embarrassed, ashamed, and feeling like a blubbering idiot, but I came away with new insights, revelations, and -- most importantly -- I reached a calmer place inside myself about where we are. I think he was relieved too. We spent today together and were fine -- no, more than fine, we were great. Sometimes we have to have sucky convos in order to get past the crap in our heads to a better place.

[BaggagePatrol]

You are such a beautiful soul Annabel. Sounds like you are facing up to your own challenges with lots of grace, and working hard to express yourself.

[AnnabelMore]

Thanks for the commiseration and kind words, friends.

I got away for a few days this weekend and tried to focus on other things. I still thought of Gia frequently, she's a fixture in my mind and heart, but I did my best not to ruminate. This morning she sent me an email just saying that she missed me and wanted me to know. <3 <3 <3

She also posted something on tumblr, musing about how she wants a new sexual partner, at least in the short term, even though she knows it's impractical right now, because she thinks she'll be able to more confidently express her dominant side in a situation where the other person has no other context for her, no preconceptions. She sees it as a growth thing. I still have some insecurities around it, around her having enough time for me, but I'm able to see clearly how silly this is. I wouldn't begrudge her a new friend. And Eric doesn't begrudge me her time and energy, he trusts her to give him what she can. I can't love her and seek to limit her, she deserves more than that.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

I wouldn't begrudge her a new friend. And Eric doesn't begrudge me her time and energy, he trusts her to give him what she can. I can't love her and seek to limit her, she deserves more than that.

Oh, you worded this so beautifully. I'm going to strive to remember it for myself... perhaps this is the true meaning of the phrase "love without limits."

[AnnabelMore]

Dude why argh.

*sigh*

I'm not going to go into the whole story, but basically Eric's FWB, Liza, is an untrustworthy, sketchy drama queen. She hasn't directed any of her sketch at him specifically yet, and maybe she never will, but why wait for it???

Gia and I talked about it, she's unhappy about the situation but is willing to let him make his own mistakes as long as he maintains tight personal boundaries, uses protection unfailingly, and doesn't have her over the house. There's no reason whatsoever to think that he won't follow these guidelines perfectly, but I'm still not cool with it.

You shouldn't fuck a scorpion.

It straight up makes me lose some respect for him, that he's so lacking in personal standards. It makes me feel like intimacy means nothing to him, if he's willing to share it with someone he has no reason to respect or trust. And y'know what, I know I'm right, I know it's just fucking to him, and that thought makes me unhappy. Why? Because when we have sex, it's more than just fucking to me, and I have no reason to think that it means anything to him, and to be reminded that he's perfectly happy for sex to mean nothing, it just, it doesn't make me fucking happy. A meaningless one-night-stand, fine. But to see someone on an ongoing basis, I don't get how you can want to continue it unless there's some resonance there. We're just built differently, I guess. Or maybe he does find resonance and connection with her, somehow.

I just don't know, dude. I was going to ask Davis and Gia, in turn, how they would feel about me and Eric hooking up on our own, but I'm not even sure I want to now.

I haven't said anything to Eric about Liza. Not sure if I should. On the one hand, as a friend, I think he's making a mistake. On the other hand, I wouldn't be telling him anything he doesn't already know, so he's obviously ok with things. Plus, people can get really touchy about other people criticizing their choice in partners, and I don't think he would appreciate it. Like, I get the feeling on occasion that he doesn't necessarily like Davis (I could be wrong, he could be indifferent), but he's never said anything about it, I think he would consider it rude and overreaching to do so. If I feel that strongly that his partner choice isn't acceptable to me, I can always just choose to not be intimate with him and explain if he asks. My preference, of course, would just be to straightforwardly tell him what I think, but he's just so fucking closed off about so many things and keeping a chill relationship with him is important to me.

Idek. What the hell is he thinking?

[AnnabelMore]

I have spent way too much of my precious life moping over gorgeous-but-dickish guys who are able to share their bodies but not their hearts with me. Eric is the obvious current example. Ziggy, my ex, was another, and I can think of two other excellent examples from my past.

I've sighed and cried and ruminated over these men, responded eagerly to their every text or chat or email, hoped against hope that time and desire would bring us closer. And while I may have had some great sex with them and shared some fun times, the moping never brought one single positive thing into my life, and none of them ever got out of bed one morning and said "Wow, wait, all this time I'd been having fun with Anna as a FWB but suddenly it's so much more than that, I love her!"

Letting myself stay hung up on these guys for far too long is a really bad habit, and I need to cut it out. They feel what they feel, and once I've ascertained as clearly as possible that they're not looking for more from me, it's just kind of pathetic to stay focused on it. Grow up, move on, get over it

[Jaynine]

go Anna!! xx

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

I've sighed and cried and ruminated over these men, responded eagerly to their every text or chat or email, hoped against hope that time and desire would bring us closer. And while I may have had some great sex with them and shared some fun times, the moping never brought one single positive thing into my life, and none of them ever got out of bed one morning and said "Wow, wait, all this time I'd been having fun with Anna as a FWB but suddenly it's so much more than that, I love her!"

Letting myself stay hung up on these guys for far too long is a really bad habit, and I need to cut it out. They feel what they feel, and once I've ascertained as clearly as possible that they're not looking for more from me, it's just kind of pathetic to stay focused on it. Grow up, move on, get over it

Ugh, this IS good stuff to remember. I have to keep this in mind in my relationships, too. As much as I truly do have enough on my plate and a good situation that brings me satisfaction in numerous ways, I sometimes fall victim to my little-girl daydreamy wishes for more, like that one day Lively will hold my hand, kiss me passionately, look me in the eyes, and tell me he loves me.

That. just. ain't. gonna happen!

The here and now is so rich and full of life, I have to keep bringing myself back to the present and appreciating what I have instead of focusing on what I don't have and feeling like something is missing! Always good to be reminded of that!

[AnnabelMore]

Gia and I have our date Tuesday night. I may have bought a new outfit for it (I needed some nice new clothes anyway!) that may perfectly match the necklace she made for me, which I plan to wear (a complete coincidence!). I may be really excited (I totally, totally am). I have a gift certificate for the restaurant we're going to, so I can tell her that she can order absolutely anything she wants without her feeling guilty.

We're going to meet up there right after work, so there should be at *least* an hour or so left afterwards to chill at my place. ..........my new outfit, incidentally, may include lacy underwear.

[RainyGrlJenny]

Yay! I'm so excited for you