I know exactly what you mean by "real redhead" I'm am one or was one that's started fading years ago.
So the why now is sorta both. Operational freedom and acknowledgment of who you are and this identity. Removal of shame and guilt.
Do you see any upsides that your husband might embrace?
What where the procedures in case of the "what if you fall in love " Is this when your suppose to break the DADT? Exception 1a. notification of falling in love. Exception 1b. contraction of an STD . Exception 1c. concerns over personal safety.
How much time or interaction do you have with your BF? Could this be a subtle or not so subtle push for more. Or at least something more structured?
MzWiz it sounds like he is depressed. That can be very difficult for the depressed person to motivate themselves to try find a way out and to seek help for themselves.
For myself I found that anything resembling an ultimatum or criticism made me feel unloved and unaccepted, I was very sensitive to it.
If it is some kind of depression it needs to be treated very differently to general relationship problems, as you have not said that you have doubts about whether he does still love you?
My apologies, yes, I know he loves me, very much so
I still get the moo-moo eyes, you know, those soft "I adore you" eyes that have nothing hidden, soul bare
And I know he isn't going elsewhere (I offered any/all combination(s) & variations, with or without me - no interest)
Though this being said, he could be depressed..... yet it would surprise me
True, he's not a very cheerful fellow overall, but we do laugh, he'll tell of something funny at the office, so he seems balanced, happy
I even ask (every few months, over the years), are you happy? Is there anything more/else/different you'd like to have/experience/see... Again, very content, big smile moo-moo eyes, and an I love you. So all seems good....
Upside of poly from his perspective (beyond things/issues related to me), I tried, jokingly, a fishing/hunting buddy was about all I could come up with to tell you the truth
Sad, I know..... I did offer to let him chose my second, no-go there either
No procedures were/have bern put in place re: DADT
Honestly, didn't think of it....
I've been in difficult situations, can defend myself quite well, believed in condoms & safe sex since forever, have been tested many times (even before DADT as I was sure he was getting elsewhere & not telling, but everything came back clean, we spoke afterwards, and he's not, I believe him)
Yes, the "why now" is twofold
Mostly acknowledgement of me as a growing loving entity
I don't feel shame much, but I do feel guilt
We're so open on everything else, why should I hide my sexuality? My need for intimacy? Am I supposed to feel... shame?... dirty?... because normally the guy wants and he girl doesn't? (not saying this is true, I personally don't believe this but many do - good girls don't kinda thing I suppose)
I love him, believe he loves me
But without physical intimacy, from him directly, or with his willingness to investigate poly with me (with or without sexual participation)...
Well then, I'm at a loss as to what to do really
I don't want to hide/lie..... It not in my nature
And I don't think I should be "prohibited" growth because he's uncomfortable
But how to help him "digest" this, join even, to whatever level he's comfortable with.... That's the riddle I'm faced with
And it's either figure out the answer to this riddle or we'll be having unpleasant onversations on how to divide 20 years of living....
He knows this too, no worries, as mentioned we do talk
But when it comes to sex/physical intimacy conversations; I talk and he gets upset, changes the subject, leaves the room... avoid/distracts/negates... heck, he pouts & gives me the the silent treatment (which is funny as I like quiet so it doesn't bother me... he knows this & it gets him going even more)
I don't think his being able to joke around occasionally would rule out depression, but I dont know much on that topic. Might be worth running down a check list.....And I'd hit the Asexuality check list too.
The idea of letting someone else choose a partner seems funny on a couple levels. Images of a a line up ... the scene in animal house voting on the new pledge class. I remember my wife asking which top or shoes or necklace she should wear with a certain outfit and getting it "right " about 20-40% of the time. Talk about racketing up the pressure If he made a bad choice would be something he'd hear about the rest of his life. My dad had a boat story like that
So the conversation about the "what if's " was not related to the DADT but on the future of the relationship or ending of the relationship.
I meant the shame associated with having a secret affair/ lover. Going out in public and being seen by your husbands family, friends, co workers, his daughter. Keeping it a secret and away from his view knowing the pain it might cause him and the swirl of feeling around that.
" Join even, to whatever level he's comfortable with " are you talking about being sexual or watching you being sexual with you BF. Or are you talking about him finding his own new partner(s) Or both, everything and anything is on the table?
Asexual, yes, I checked that, indeed that does sound/suit him, but again he was unwilling to investigate/research further. This surprised me as I "pitched" it as a "safe exit" kinda thing, a way of being which is totally acceptable to me really, not my choice, true, but if he is that way, I'd love him none the less. Plus, then we'd know and can go forward from there
You see, i'm not possessive/jealous/restrictive...
We have one life, just one, this one
Every day, every moment, we are getting older, we don't know when but we will all die....
Do I want to die with things/experiences unlived? heck no!
Which bring me to my periodic check (within myself, and I ask him too):
Is there an thing, any experience, any.... whatever, that I/you/we can do/try/whatever, that will make your life that much better, that much more meaningful to you?
Again, he laughs (we actually do laugh a lot), as he knows I'm serious....
Honey, if you feel learning to play the guitar with your toes is something you want to try, go for it, how can I help? Always thought it'd be cool to drive 1000km for lunch 'cause they make the best pizza anywhere, get they keys, we'll leave right now.
And yes, same with sex, no worries, what gets you going, name it, we'll figure it out. Asexual, cool, we'll figure that out too. Gay-curious, no worries. Multiples, self-gratification from opposite sides of the room...
Whatever, so long as it doesn't involve kids, animals or criminal activity, cool, let's figure it out.
So yes, everything is on the table
Giving him the choice for my lover, I know, limits my choices
But I've been blessed with the ability to see the goodness in even the most sour person. So in theory, I can make it work somehow. Besides, worse case, the experience would teach us both something :-) after all, should we get to that point, it means he's actually talking sex/intimacy, something which is an incredible challenge in our relationship now
As for friends/family seeing me out with my BF... That I'm less worried about.
None of us have family close, my step-daughter knows I have a special friend and is ok with it (she's in an open relationship, several years now actually), co-workers and such may be another matter but the culture here allows for a certain amount of touching/physical closeness so it's ok to eat/walk/talk together, publically, even arm in arm (though not hand holding), and kissing (cheeks or dry kisses, no hot & heavy (which I wouldn't do publically do anyway)) Heck, I've one fellow, previous coworker known for years & years, every time we're together he tells everyone he's my lover, loudly & proudly :-)
I is what I is.....
I'm far from perfect, and I like it that way, gives me room to grow :-)
And I see everyone else that way too, works-in-progress
We all grow in different ways, at different times, as result of different experiences, desires.... and I'm constantly amazed & fascinated by what make me/us tick (not us " my relationship(s)", but humanity at large, be it individually or collectively)
We're wonderful you know, as a species
So complex yet simple, ever changing, growing...
(ok, yes, we're killing the planet, but that's a whole other can of worms)
I suppose that's all I'm really looking for, growth
And I know I can't make him grow.... But he can't stop me from growing either
Finding a comfort zone is a challenge, yes, but I believe there is one
I'm just not sure yet what it is.... :-)
But I'll figure it out
By sharing, getting different points of view, reading/researching....
There is an answer..... It just not so obvious to me what it is as of yet :-)
|communication, dadt, don't ask don't tell, honesty, secrets|