You think a lot like I do.
My mother always told me the BEST decisions are made with head and heart together. There is no reason why you cannot think out your relationships. Decisions made ONLY from the heart or ONLY from the head are not so hot.
You are on the right track. HAVE THIS CONVERSATION with her no matter what.
It is ok if she is young, 19, and not sure how to handle being "out" as poly. At the same time, it's different to tell her dating partner that versus just skip it over in a lie of omission. At 18, 19 -- I lacked fancy vocab like "polyamorous" but I knew honesty and I knew enough to TELL my dating partners "I do not want to be exclusive. I don't expect you to be exclusive. Just give me the heads up if one of your others is looking to go Lover so I can make a decision about my sex health. If I check out or am ok being overlappy. Can't hack that? We're better as friends."
It wasn't elegant, but it was real.
So again - I salute you for trying to play like a Jedi here and trying to keep it real. I note she's also skipping on on truths to her OTHER partner Kim. That's so not cool.
Your posts are very self aware, you know what you want and what you are willing to do/compromise on. You don't have time to read more on poly but later you can.
What you might have time to do is lay out your things in piles. Ask her for hers.
Then you can see how close a match up it is with the wants, needs, and limits.
And see how close a match up it is with honest truthiness, maturity level, and handling conflict resolution. It's ok to make mistakes and own it, but if this is constantly going to be more than it is worth -- and you are right to be picking up on all those red flags --walk away now before it gets deeper and costlier to your health buckets -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health. You don't need drama or a poor return on your investment.
If you want a partner, you want a PARTNER. Not an obligation or a chore.
All relationships have some baggage because all people have something. I'm not a perfect person. I have my own baggage.
But I feel everyone could own their own baggage and not be making extra work on others. And I feel that at the START of a relationship, it's show and tell time. So all can decide if they want to accept their new partner and helping them sort their baggage or not partner at all. I have the right to pick a relationship with baggage of a size I can handle and reject a relationship that is just too dang overloaded for me to deal in.
I'd be walking away on this one already because of the lies of omission -- but I'm me and that's one of my personal things.
You are you. So you make the call. Have the talk and see what is what.
If after the talk you guys decide there's enough still matching to merit giving it another trial run try-- put a time limit on it for the next check in. 3 mos? However long before Kim gets there? Something.
Then reassess how she's been playing with you. She can assess how you have been playing with her. Meeting all the agreements for how to be in right relationship with each other or NOT. Then whether or not you both will renew your options to continue or not.
If it is STILL Muppet Show? Check out. You don't need this.
Everyone deserves a second chance if they are honestly going to try and it was honestly being afraid at 19 to be out as a poly. But there's lots of resources now at fingertips to help -- there is NO excuse for not at least TRYING to keep it honest and keep it real.
Play ball already like a grown up ethical polyamorous person and stop pansy footing around. In or out?
You seem to be trying to play like a grown up ethical monoamorous person -- who is trying to learn about ethical polyamory and learn if you can Open yourself to that option - being mono and loving a poly. All while still keeping it sane and real in your learning process.
So for you -- I salute your personal growth there and how you are processing. That is truly remarkable and you are a gem.
Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-31-2012 at 10:09 PM.