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  #1  
Old 08-31-2012, 12:09 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Default Need some pep talk for tonight, seeing my metamour

background: my husbands GF cheated on him. It looked like they were to break up, but they're back together, trying to make it work. I did not really trust her before this happened, and of course, the cheating did not help

anyway, tonight I'm going to an event where both she and my husband will be present. I haven't seen her since the whole thing happened. He is essentially going with her, I'm going alone or possibly with a friend. Its kind of hard to explain the dynamics of the event without going into specifics, but I'll just say that she'll be more on the hosting side and I'll be more on the guest side (I'm going there to support a close friend of mine, who's also on the hosting side).

GF is beautiful, glamorous and will be in her own world and element.
I've put on my sexiest dress and high heels.
And am freaking out.

All my insecurities about not being pretty or beautiful or interesting enough are kicking in. I know they're stupid.
I was doing pretty well recently... but the thought of the confrontation is just SO stresfull. Can't make these voices shut up... that my husband will be more proud of her than me.
He's there with her, and will leave with her.
Ugh.

Help! pep talk needed!
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #2  
Old 08-31-2012, 12:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You are going there to support a close friend of yours.
You are going there to support a close friend of yours.
You are going there to support a close friend of yours.
You are going there to support a close friend of yours.
You are going there to support a close friend of yours.

The GF is NOT your problem.

And you can always LEAVE if you like after you see your friend.
And you can always LEAVE if you like after you see your friend.
And you can always LEAVE if you like after you see your friend.
And you can always LEAVE if you like after you see your friend.
And you can always LEAVE if you like after you see your friend.

Hang in there!
You can do it!

GG
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  #3  
Old 08-31-2012, 12:50 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Hi Cleo,

You have courage. Courage is something to be celebrated. Go celebrate that tonight. Celebrate that right now too - and 5 minutes from now. It takes courage to look at yourself. It takes courage to look at your personal stuff the way I know you have. It's time to give yourself some credit, and a lot of hugs.
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  #4  
Old 08-31-2012, 02:10 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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thank you both.. GG, yes you are right, I am going there for my friend, and nothing should stop me from supporting my loved ones.

snowmelt, I do feel courageous and yet sometimes so incredibly weak and small... its the biggest challenge of my life to face these fears, and I know it's all for a good reason, but it is upsetting and unsettling sometimes!
what it comes down to is that there should be no reason why she makes me insecure.. my husbands loves me and I have no doubts about that.. no complaints about how he treats me, at all...
and I do not want her to have this kind of power over me.

Well I guess that was my pep talk to myself will report back tomorrow...
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #5  
Old 08-31-2012, 02:23 PM
RedSalamander RedSalamander is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
what it comes down to is that there should be no reason why she makes me insecure.. my husbands loves me and I have no doubts about that.. no complaints about how he treats me, at all...
I so relate to you. I am loved by a wonderful girl who is actively dating. She gives me no reason at all to doubt her love - she is incredibly supportive. Yet I still feel crazy, insecure, jealous, and petty whenever she sees one of her lovers. I just need to get the f&*%$ over myself. Still, knowing that doesn't do much to stop the voices in your head does it?

Just wanted you to know you're not alone in this, and that there's nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.
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  #6  
Old 08-31-2012, 02:30 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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thanks redsalamander! sorry you are feeling that way.. I have to say I don't always feel that way, fortunately. I am, overall, fine with them dating, hanging out, having sleepovers. I do have my triggers, but that's another story. BUT, it's the meeting her face to face that is really hard for me. Something about seeing her, feeling her energy, makes everything so incredibly close and sensitive. I tend to be more jealous after I've seen her, because it feeds my tendency to visualize things (like, them having sex).

Now my husband is completely the opposite... when he is jealous or insecure, he wants to meet my lovers, he says that seeing them as a real person instead of as just an image in his head, kills the demons.

well, I'd rather just have the images, and not feed them with fresh video material, thank you very much

so interesting how everyone is so different...
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #7  
Old 08-31-2012, 02:33 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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I understand. I didn't get the strength I have today from the easy and good times in my life. I got it by getting through the hard times and the fears I used to have. I think it's interesting that strength is a very good thing, but it doesn't come from the easy good times. It comes from the hard scary times.

The hard scary times gave me the strength that the good times couldn't. I know the hard times served me. They just did it it a different way than the good times do now. I think you have an inner wisdom that guides you well. I saw it in your earlier posts. I still see it.

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-31-2012 at 02:38 PM.
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  #8  
Old 08-31-2012, 03:45 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Along the same lines as what Forrest's momma use to tell him:

"Beautiful is as beautiful does"

I'm sure your husband is proud of and finds beauty in you not betraying trust and cheating. Head up high where it belongs lady!
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  #9  
Old 08-31-2012, 03:48 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You are good with your hubby. That's awesome. But he's not your prob.
Quote:
I did not really trust her before this happened, and of course, the cheating did not help
Quote:
what it comes down to is that there should be no reason why she makes me insecure..
There is every reason to feel argh-y about her. You did not trust her before. She's cheated on your loved one and hurt him and you could do nothing to stop it. She is not showing Jedi player colors here. Has she done anything to build trust with you? No?

So of COURSE you do not trust her enough yet. That can be rebuilt and re-earned and it is their relationship to run if he wants to give her a second chance.

But if she's ignoring YOUR tiers in your polyship's polymath you are going to feel annoyed because she is not in right relationship with YOU. The tier of (You + GF) has received apology or what? Otherwise the tier of [you to (DH + GF)] is gonna feel edgy as a result because you are miffed with her for not being a decent meta.

All those mini rships inside the greater polyship have to be tended well to it to fly smooth.

But don't berate yourself for feeling what you feel. It's not unreasonable given the recent circumstances.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-31-2012 at 03:54 PM.
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  #10  
Old 09-02-2012, 10:39 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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soo...... that could have gone better...

the evening started off ok, I went to the event with my friend, said hi to husband and the GF, wandered around a bit, met up with other friends. Should have gone home after that. But, by that time I'd had a few drinks and thought well fuck it, I want to stay here with my friends and have fun and dance!
so I did, and I did have fun, but there were moments of weirdness and sadness and awkwardness when I would see my husband and his GF on the other side of the room (or sometimes I did not see them at all, which was possibly even more upsetting).
I stayed too late, was a little drunk, and when I left I wanted to say goodbye to husband and GF. I could not find them so I texted my husband that I was leaving and that I would see him at home.
As I walked to the door I saw them standing outside, not exactly kissing but kind of leaning into each other, embracing, she was smiling and he was giving her a look that I can only describe as very intimate, the kind of look that is really only meant for 1 person.

I know he loves her.. but seeing that moment, was, at that point, just too much. I quickly left without saying anything and cried all the way home, just feeling so utterly alone.
Husband came home shortly after that and held me and comforted me, but there really wasn't much he could do to erase the moment that I had witnessed from my mind, or to make me feel better about the fact that we had been apart from each other all night (at an event where we always went together, and have been going to together for years).

It was just really upsetting and emotionally draining. Besides leaving earlier, or not going at all, I really don't know what I could have done differently. Next time a situation like this comes up I'm going to think really hard if I want to put myself in this position again.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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