How common is it for guys in Poly to be their girls primary in everyway but one?

[Nathan]

Originally Posted by Brid75

I see that you use the term bull to describe you g/fs lover, I guess this means your both still into that cuckold roleplay. Lol

Yes we are. It's fun! I love it, and so does Aurelie. She is a bit shy about admitting it though, as you can see from her reply above.

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by Nathan

She is a bit shy about admitting it though,

Your my cute little cuckold, and Scott is my big stud............. Not so shy now am I.

[Nathan]

Originally Posted by Aurelie26

Your my cute little cuckold, and Scott is my big stud............. Not so shy now am I.

lol, no your not, and yes I am, and yes he is, and as much as I like you being with him................I also really miss you when your not here. A lot!

[MeeraReed]

Originally Posted by Nathan

I wasn't asking if it's the "norm," I was wondering out of interest and curiosity how common it is for guys who are their girls primary, to be secondary when it comes to sex, and also how they feel about it. I'm fine with it, I'm not going to get upset just because her other love gives her more orgasms then me, in fact it turns me on. He has always been her dom but is now also her bull, and is free to be with her whenever he wants.

Like I said, I'm curious if there are any other guys who feel the same way, or not?

Hi Nathan (and Aurelie),

There are definitely guys out there who feel the same way you do. (They may not be on this forum, though). Some might identify as cuckolds, others might just be comfortable with the fact that their primary partner has a secondary partner with whom she is more sexually compatible.

I think the phrasing/terms you use in your question don't quite jive with the way most poly folks think about "primary" and "secondary." You are Aurelie's primary because you live with her and are her life partner. Her dom is her secondary because he doesn't live with her and has a primary partner of his own. You're not "sexually secondary" to her dom just because they might have more or better sex together.

Does Aurelie's dom's wife think of her herself as sexually secondary to Aurelie? I'm guessing not.

It sounds to me like you've got yourself an awesome woman who can keep two men well satisfied . She has some kinky needs that you simply aren't compatible with. Luckily, she has a loving secondary who can meet those needs, while you benefit from finding the whole situation erotic. Plus, the pressure is off you to do BDSM stuff that you don't enjoy. Sounds perfect to me!

You ask how other men deal with the situation you describe. Well, quite often, they don't deal with it. They decide the woman is a slut who never loved them and is not worthy of their love. Sadly, societal norms condone such a punitive attitude toward "overly sexual" or "wrongly sexual" women.

However, I do think it's a challenge for anyone to accept that their primary partner has better sex with someone else. The key is to understand sexual compatibility, and the complexities of sexuality in general. Sexuality isn't just being gay/bi/straight, it's a lot of other stuff: how kinky/vanilla you are, how dominant/submissive, how high/low your libido is, what specific sex acts you like, whether you need sex to be connected to love or not, whether you're monogamous or not, etc.

Every individual needs to figure out where they are on the spectrum of each of those elements of sexuality. If you're very comfortable with your own sexuality and sexual needs, you can be comfortable with knowing that you might not be able to match all of someone else's sexual needs. And that there's nothing wrong with that.

After all, if Aurelie had a strong sexual need to be with a woman, you probably wouldn't automatically feel like she was having better sex with her female partner--you'd feel that she was having DIFFERENT sex. Or, if Aurelie was a domme instead of a sub, and her secondary was someone she dominated instead of the other way around, you would probably feel that she has very complex sexual needs that aren't your cup of tea, rather than that you're not capable of satisfying her as well as her dom can.

Sorry if that's convoluted. I'm trying to say it might help if you look past the "traditional" gender roles of your situation. You've got a woman who needs a man who is more dominant, more sexual, maybe physically larger or more traditionally "masculine" than you. I can see how that might be hard to make peace with (although it sounds like you've done so!). But if you imagine the gender roles or kinky roles reversed, you can see that it's not about you being unable to satisfy your woman--it's about your woman having a more complex sexuality than you.

It definitely sounds like you ARE sexually compatible with Aurelie in many ways. Just not in EVERY way.

Nathan, I've been on both sides of a situation like yours. A few years ago, when I was non-exclusive with my ex-boyfriend, I had better sex with another man. My ex did not deal with it well, but chose to resent me in silence instead of talking to me about it. (Later he told friends that I was just his practice girlfriend, and he made clear that he had never cared about me. Oh, and he blamed me for his sexual problems). That's a longer story. At the time, I was deliriously happy seeing both men.

Now I'm on the other side--I'm seeing a man who is MUCH kinkier than me, has a MUCH higher sex drive, etc. It's the best sex of my life, but he has better sex with other women. (He's looking for another steady partner besides me, but hasn't found one yet. I'm looking to date others also, but have no time because I'm writing my thesis).

I am totally comfortable, and totally happy, with him having fantastic sex with another woman. There are a couple reasons for this: 1) I believe I am inherently non-monogamous, and have never experienced much sexual jealousy, 2) I have no desire to do the BDSM stuff he likes to do, and I want him to have someone else to do that with, and 3) He needs sex CONSTANTLY. I get tired and sore pretty easily--there is no way I could meet all his needs even if I wanted to!

For some reason, I like men who are more sexual than me. Maybe because I still have some guilt over how my ex felt about me, and the cruel things he said to me and about me. Or maybe it's because I am finally comfortable with knowing and admitting that I like, and am largely compatible with, sexually dominant men with high sex drives.

Anyway, like you, I'm at peace with knowing my lover needs more than just me, both sexually and emotionally.

P.S. It's awesome that you took the effort to understand as much about Aurelie's BDSM needs as possible (experimenting with her, etc), even if it's not something you want for yourself. One of the worst experiences of my life was when I asked my ex if he could try holding me down and kissing me roughly--and he looked at me like I was a disgusting, depraved pervert, and said he "couldn't" and "wasn't that type of guy." At the time, I felt really guilty for making him feel insecure about himself, even though all I had done was confess a (not uncommon) fantasy.

Rather than wondering how other guys in your situation feel, Nathan, you might consider making yourself a sort of advocate for helping "nice" (i.e. vanilla) guys understand women with "wilder" sexual needs.

[MusicalRose]

Not sure I have too much to contribute at the moment, but I wanted to say this topic might be fairly relevant to my own situation. My fiance and I aren't as sexually compatible as my boyfriend and I it seems and it has caused us some uneasiness in the past. I think we are getting more comfortable with it now, but it made us really nervous when all of it started.

I think it does help that in my situation, my boyfriend is submissive to me and has a really low sex drive unless I tease him, so I always have to initiate. My fiance has a high sex drive, but his taste for me has been a bit low lately. As a female with a high sex drive, this is a little frustrating for me, but we seem to be handling the dynamics alright. We are all getting ready to move into a townhome together shortly, so it will let me more effectively tease my boyfriend.

[Aurelie26]

Thanks Meera, thats an interesting post.

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

There are definitely guys out there who feel the same way you do. (They may not be on this forum, though). Some might identify as cuckolds, others might just be comfortable with the fact that their primary partner has a secondary partner with whom she is more sexually compatible.

The cuckold thing is just fun, the three of us do not take it serious, but Nathan does get off on seeing me with Scott, or knowing that I'm with him. I think it turns him on that Scott is more able to get me off.

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

I think the phrasing/terms you use in your question don't quite jive with the way most poly folks think about "primary" and "secondary." You are Aurelie's primary because you live with her and are her life partner. Her dom is her secondary because he doesn't live with her and has a primary partner of his own. You're not "sexually secondary" to her dom just because they might have more or better sex together.

Well Nathan is my primary mainly because I love him more, and also for the reasons you state. I guess that doesn't quite jive with poly either. lol. Is Nathan my sexual secondary? I do have more and better sex with Scott, but it is so different to what I have with Nathan. What makes sex great with Nathan is in many ways the opposite to what makes it great with Scott. However, Scott is the best lover I have ever had, he makes me feel a way that no other can, and that includes Nathan. Sex with Nathan is more of a mental, spirtual and love thing, with Scott it's physical.

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

Does Aurelie's dom's wife think of her herself as sexually secondary to Aurelie? I'm guessing not.

Well they have been married for a long time. I admire her because she has no hangs ups, she always sees things so clearly. We talk about Scott. lol. The biggest reason he is able to get me off so much is because of his size and incredible staying power, good technique and ability also. His wife tells me that I would not love it so much after nearly twenty years, she says I would be praying for a quicky, lol, but no. I dont think she she's herhelf that way. I dont think that she thinks in those terms.

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

It sounds to me like you've got yourself an awesome woman who can keep two men well satisfied . She has some kinky needs that you simply aren't compatible with. Luckily, she has a loving secondary who can meet those needs, while you benefit from finding the whole situation erotic. Plus, the pressure is off you to do BDSM stuff that you don't enjoy. Sounds perfect to me!

Lol, thanks. I'm really lucky to have two awesome men, who keep me more than satisfied. I do have kinky needs that Nathan isn't into, I do my best to corrupt him though. lol. Sometimes it works. BDSM is not one of those things though. He is so lovely and to nice to be a dom, and he doesn't want to sub for me, which I except.

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

You ask how other men deal with the situation you describe. Well, quite often, they don't deal with it. They decide the woman is a slut who never loved them and is not worthy of their love. Sadly, societal norms condone such a punitive attitude toward "overly sexual" or "wrongly sexual" women.

This is why I feel so fortunate to have Nathans love. He is so open minded and excepting of my needs. He never fails to make me feel loved and secure.

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

However, I do think it's a challenge for anyone to accept that their primary partner has better sex with someone else. The key is to understand sexual compatibility, and the complexities of sexuality in general. Sexuality isn't just being gay/bi/straight, it's a lot of other stuff: how kinky/vanilla you are, how dominant/submissive, how high/low your libido is, what specific sex acts you like, whether you need sex to be connected to love or not, whether you're monogamous or not, etc.

That's interesting Meera. I tease Nathan about being bi, I dont think he is though. I would say he is vanilla, altough like I said, I'm a bad influence. Also, I think the cuckold thing he likes is very kinky. lol He is submissive sexually, not in a kinky way though. His libido is high, thankfully. He likes lots of different types of sex acts, I have taught him a lot, and given him the confidence to tell me what he likes. He does need sex to be connected to love, which is what makes our sex special, we make love, Scott fucks me. Nathan is monogamous, which makes me very happy.

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

Every individual needs to figure out where they are on the spectrum of each of those elements of sexuality. If you're very comfortable with your own sexuality and sexual needs, you can be comfortable with knowing that you might not be able to match all of someone else's sexual needs. And that there's nothing wrong with that.

I think the four of us are very comfortable about where we stand in our relationships, not just sexually, but all round. I would say we are all very happy with the way things have turned out.

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

Sorry if that's convoluted. I'm trying to say it might help if you look past the "traditional" gender roles of your situation. You've got a woman who needs a man who is more dominant, more sexual, maybe physically larger or more traditionally "masculine" than you. I can see how that might be hard to make peace with (although it sounds like you've done so!). But if you imagine the gender roles or kinky roles reversed, you can see that it's not about you being unable to satisfy your woman--it's about your woman having a more complex sexuality than you.

It definitely sounds like you ARE sexually compatible with Aurelie in many ways. Just not in EVERY way.

This is 100% correct

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

Hi Nathan (and Aurelie),P.S. It's awesome that you took the effort to understand as much about Aurelie's BDSM needs as possible (experimenting with her, etc), even if it's not something you want for yourself. One of the worst experiences of my life was when I asked my ex if he could try holding me down and kissing me roughly--and he looked at me like I was a disgusting, depraved pervert, and said he "couldn't" and "wasn't that type of guy." At the time, I felt really guilty for making him feel insecure about himself, even though all I had done was confess a (not uncommon) fantasy.

It is cool that Nathan is open to my suggestions, I dont force him, or ask him to do things he doesn't like though, and It would not turn me on for him to dom me now. He cant do that stuff, well he could, but it would go against the grain for him to do it. He is a very gentle and loving person, and he is the same in bed. Strangely, it does turn him on to see Scott have rough and dominant sex with me.

It's a shame things didn't work out with your ex. I think it's difficult to find a man that would be excepting of a poly lifestyle.

[Brid75]

Originally Posted by Aurelie26

I tease Nathan about being bi,

Why do you do that? Do you suspect that he is attracted to your lover in some way?

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by Brid75

Why do you do that? Do you suspect that he is attracted to your lover in some way?

lol, no I do not think that Nathan is attracted to Scott. It wouldn't bother me if he was though. I tease him about being bi because when he was at high school he had a relationship with another boy.

[codydarkstalker]

This is the case with my primary. We have sex and I am willing to have sex whenever he likes, but he knows my other partner is more skilled at getting me off and that I have more sex with him (we switch off every other night, primary is good to go once a night, secondary can recover faster so more sex is often had).

[treyandanne]

Originally Posted by Brid75

I would say that it is very common. It certainly is in my case. As you say though Nathan, I think it usually goes unsaid. It's a macho pride thing with some men, they cant come to terms with the fact that their wife needs another man to be satisfied sexually.

You guys seem to have a great relationship.

I agree and it is certainly the case with us. Yes, its difficult sometimes that she is in his room most nights, or when you get home they have already played to her content. But it is rewarding in itself that she is getting the satisfaction that she needs. You are providing her with what you do best and so is he. Not all of us can have the skill and equipment that the love of our life needs. For me, like you, I have accepted this and am grateful that her secondary is gifted in this regard.