Huge Problem likely Small Issue for your veterans, please help
"What ideas for compromise can she(mono) and I(poly) come to?"
I've got a huge problem at home, that for you guys probably will seem like pretty small fry as far as poly/mono dilemmas go (because I'm not asking for another person to move in with us). I'm new to understanding poly and I feel like I have found what truly lines up with the way I think, feel, and believe, however my fiance is "mono wired" and getting destroyed by me talking about it and trying to peddle it to her.
I'm trying to be honest and open with my feelings to her, and everytime she sees it as a threat to her instead of just listening to my feelings and thoughts, and ends up broken down crying, or non-communicative than screaming in frustrations. She just told me "seriously" that I have two weeks to stop thinking like this and acting like this or she's taking our new 4-month old baby and leaving me.
My biggest question here to all of you will be "What ideas for compromise can she and I come to?" I am totally new to this, and I don't have a clue as to the solutions for a mono-wired poly-wired union.
She is Latina from Central America (yeah I know, talk about ancient beliefs).
I am from Hollywood, CA (yeah I know, free thinking lala land).
During the course of our relationship I learned Spanish and she learned English. We used online translation through that process and before.
Ok, so, when we first met over a year ago, I told her I wanted her to play with other girls, and that I'd like to "have fun like that". She said that would be cool, and that she kissed another girl once and liked it, it made her horny.
So we continued to fall in love, she moved in, we got pregnant, we moved to an island in the Caribbean, whilst never exploring all that. We planned on getting married, and we've recently engaged, but I call her my wife. I have been in a marriage before, and a few other long term relationships, and I treat her as my wife, so I call her my wife. But we are to be married in a few months.
SO THEN WE ADDED A GIRL TO THE MIX:
Ok, so here on the Island in the Caribbean are a ton of beautiful girls in bikinis who are interested in me, and that really activated my desires to start experimenting with playing with one who would be interested in playing with both of us.
She totally agreed, and through the process of flirting with about 20 girls, I found 1 who was into it. So we all three became friends and talked about playing one night, getting in the hot tub and having fun in our bedroom. We met to get to know each other and it turned into us all touching each other and cuddling in bed and kissing each other, and we all liked it even though since it was new to us all, we were all nervous. But we liked it and we agreed to have her spend the night one night. I let my wife and the girl go to a local nightclub one night and they had a blast and came home but the other girl had to leave because her sister was going to rat her out, whatever.
So sleeping together hasn't happened yet, for various logistical reasons, which always felt like excuses to me. So I kept pressing it, because I didn't want it to become thin air
ADD NEW LIFESTYLE IDEAS TO THE MIX (for adding crazy pressure):
So then we started watching THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR, POLYAMORY (The Showtime Show), and reading about that lifestyle and I completely realized that was for me and that here on the island I could easily go so far as to setup a kind of den of girls if I wanted to. It'd be very easy down here to do that.
I started talking about that to her, and she didn't find it fun, or funny, or anything, and all the different shows we were watching, and talking to the new girl, finally has caused her to have what I see as a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN almost. Trembling fear.
She sabotaged our building relationship with the new girl, she called her and told her she can't handle it. So now the new girl is never going to feel secure in trying that with her.
THE PROBLEM IS:
She wants to spend the rest of her life with me, but now she is giving me an ultimatum: "stop flirting with girls or I"m leaving you. You have 2 weeks to quit it." I told her that utlimatums are not a mature way to handle a relationship, and that we should reach that conclusion together by talking everything through.
She said she would like to know how to be with me and have her beliefs, and to meet me in the middle where I have my beliefs. But we don't have any ideas.
MY SOLUTIONS THUS FAR:
- I said how about when you are on your period, I can go enjoy some time with these girls? Answer: NO
- Let's try and play with another girl. Answer: I really don't like that anymore.
- What if someone moved in with us? Answer: I would leave you.
She's called me Machista, when I am totally not. I don't work out, I'm very sensitive and affectionate, I prefer hanging out with girls, and I hate sports. I just am very open minded, and I don't see the point of monogamy if everyone is having fun. She says "It doesn't sound like fun to me" even though in the past we've tried and she's said she likes it. It just feels like projection of insecurity to me, not honestly that it doesn't sound like fun to her. Because she's been into it.
Please can anyone start a dialogue with me and offer us some help?
Thank you so much in advance for taking time out of your night or day to offer your kind words.
Last edited by PolyPhonic; 08-31-2012 at 01:22 PM.
|chauvinist, cross cultural, harem, narcissist, open, opening up, sexist|