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Old 08-30-2012, 10:46 PM
DarayTala's Avatar
DarayTala DarayTala is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: York, PA
Posts: 42
Default whether to try again, and how much time to wait?

So one of my partners and I split up about a month ago. We had been in a romantic relationship for about nine months, and had a whole lot of issues during that time. Finally, he broke my boundries one time too many and I ended it. We also had a BDSM relationship which we tried to continue, and that ended only a week or two later, because again, boundries were broken.

Firstly, my ex suffered abuse as a child, and most of his relationships were with people who were very dishonest, and manipulative. He had to lie growing up to avoid being beaten, and learned that it was "acceptable" from all his previous relationships. With me, he lied many a time, mostly out of fear and insecurity. He cheated on me twice, though in minor ways. Both times he was exploring his newfound desire to have other relationships (he was curious about poly but never tried it before meeting me). Both times he started off making sure I was alright with everything, but then in the heat of the moment forgot our boundries and went farther than what we had agreed on. He also didnt come home on three occasions, to the point that the rest of our family was all extremely worried about his safety and whereabouts. When he did finally get in touch after many texts and calls, each time he threatened to leave, not because he wanted to, but because he had learned in the past that manipulation was the only way to get what he wanted. We both had issues with our needs not being met during the relationship. He needed more affection than I was giving, and I made many efforts to give him what he needed. A lot of the time he was unable to ask for what he needed, or didn't react when he got it or pursue it further, but then complained he wasn't getting enough. On my end, I needed honesty from him and for him to be trustworthy and able to communicate openly with me about his wants and needs. He made a lot of progress towards that during our relationship, but it was a slow and painful process. I lay down only a couple of boundries that were so important to me, that breaking them might result in me leaving. He violated those more than once, and I finally told him that if he could not handle respecting just a couple of things, no matter what the heat of the moment, that we could not be in a functioning relationship. There were also times where his behavior bordered on emotionally abusive, which is not acceptable to me and I won't stay in a situation where I am being so grossly mistreated.

So we get to now. He still lives with me and the rest of my family and we still maintain a good friendship. We are all happy with this living arrangement for the moment and it is not something we want to change. We were fighting constantly during our relationship, but now are a lot more civil towards each other and butt heads a whole lot less. When he is not working or traveling for tournaments (he plays the pro-mtg circuit) we spend happy moments together and talk through text once in a while through the day. Since the end of our relationship he has repeatedly asked for more chances and that we try again. I do still love him, but I also know that nothing has changed enough that we couldnt make things work anymore now than we could before.

So, I've told him that it is possible for us to try a relationship again, but not at this point in time. For us to do so, two things need to happen. First, I need to get past any anger and resentment I feel for the way I was treated. Second, he would need to figure out the root and cause of his behavior and do whatever necessary to become the honest and open person he wants to be but can't seem to despite the desire being there. I think he has a lot of issues to deal with because of the past abuse and other factors, and until he has dealt with those, we will continue to have the same problems. He wants to work things out in the confines of a relationship still, but I am not willing to because we tried that for months, and theres only so many times I can have my biggest needs and boundaries trampled upon and just sit there and take it while waiting for him to change.

Anyways, firstly, I'd love any input and opinions on what I should do. Would you bother trying again with someone who had that many strikes against them? Would it make a difference that they would have changed to no longer be a person who would violate the same boundaries and cause the same problems?

Second, how much time is reasonable to wait? I know that only he can see in time how long it takes for him to grow in the ways that are needed. Only I can know how long it will take for me to get over all my anger and resentment. Really, there is no right answer, since it depends on both of us as people. Still, how long would you wait for someone to get over their issues (on either side of this) before you decided it was just time to move on (meaning walk away from a relationship, pursuing other relationships during this interum is still definitely on the table for both of us).
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