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  #11  
Old 08-30-2012, 06:58 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Unless you BOTH sign up for this agreement? It is not an "agreement" -- it is an order.

He is being fresh. In a marriage partnership you don't just "announce" a One Penis Policy. Is this dictatorship or a partnership? WTF? You are not a child. You are grown up person who can choose or not choose to what contract/agreements you sign up for with him. Because you draw them up TOGETHER.

Now if you BOTH come to agree on that, it is another thing entirely.

But I'd be resentful and wonder what ELSE Mr Dictator will spring next? You may never eat brownies? You may only wear pink shoes?

So I don't think your feeling all ---


WHAT? Hmmph!


...is unrealistic here. Total dbl standard. If you open, you are open on both sides, and you CANNOT dictate the gender of the person if you are wired Bi. What if you told him ok, you can only have women but then he can only have men then so it is fair that is is only of the same gender?

You guys need to talk this out and come to a more fair "Open Relationship Model" agreements here. For how to be in right relationship with each other while dating other people.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-30-2012 at 07:25 PM.
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  #12  
Old 08-30-2012, 07:07 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What if you told him ok, you can only have women but then he can only have men then so it is fair that is is only of the same gender?
I would love to hear his response to this kind of question, LOL.
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  #13  
Old 08-30-2012, 07:15 PM
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Realistically, it seems like there are several issues going on all at the same time, and each needs to addressed individually. I would advise that the two of you put your poly biz on hold for a while, work on the other stuff to the satisfaction of each, and then consider reopen the relationship.
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  #14  
Old 08-30-2012, 07:27 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Originally Posted by newbie1 View Post
I am unsure if he wants me to be happy since my main focus has been his happiness and not my own..

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Originally Posted by newbie1 View Post
I have been finding it difficult for me to communicate with my spouse
The issue here is not poly or even OPP, but both of these ARE turning your attention toward the real issue. You have problems in your marriage. You've grown up a bit since you were first married. Your marriage is not welcoming or accomodating the personal growth you've achieved. It sounds to me like your husband sees the marriage as a structure that is in place to serve his needs. That structure is rigid (crystalline). It doesn't flex. That sounds like his overall style. The lying he recently did sounds like it is his way of reinforcing that structure to make sure it is still solidly in place.

Your husband sees the possibility of you having a relationship with another man as you taking a big step out of the marriage. It is time for you to see if this marriage is capable of growing up (to catch up to where you are emotionally right now). Start to take little steps INTO your own marriage by talking to him about your relationship with him (not poly or OPP). Get to know him better. Show interest in him if you have interest in him (if not that takes things in a brand new direction).

I know OPP is unbalanced and unfair. If you focus on the OPP right now, you leave yourself with only two options. Leave the marriage or spend your time getting mad at his inflexibility. He will respond to your anger by reinforcing his structure. Either one of the these will stress the marriage even more.


Instead, focus on getting to know him all over again and helping him get to know you - without talking about OPP or poly. You will learn a lot about yourself and him while you are doing this. He will too, whether he admits it to you or not. He will have to see your effort at doing this as you stepping INTO the marriage. That may help him cope with your desire to step OUT of the marriage (as he sees it) by dating other men.


You will learn a lot along the way. You will see "hints" along the way that will tell you if he is permanently inflexible, or just stubborn and needs attention from you he does not know how to ask for right now. At some point, you will know if this marriage will give you what you need. If you discover it will not, then you have to decide if you are in or out.


Over time, you have taught him that he is in charge and what he wants he gets. Crystalline structures (your husband's attitude) are so rigid they completely shatter if too much pressure is applied too fast. That means it will take time and effort on your part to show him (with kindness) that is no longer the way things are. The lying is a concern, but stepping into your marriage the way I suggest could solve that along the way if you decide this marriage is worth keeping.

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-30-2012 at 09:05 PM.
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  #15  
Old 08-30-2012, 08:35 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
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Yes we are putting the poly on hold tho the girl is in and out of the picture. She wants to be friends with me - my husband called it all off with her.

I am glad to be getting all of this advise. It is strange how in my 30's this is how my life is turning out - I have a husband who acts like my father....maybe at 19 that is what i needed when we got married...but now - i don't know who I am.
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  #16  
Old 08-30-2012, 08:41 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
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[QUOTE=snowmelt;151481]
At some point, you will know if this marriage will give you what you need. If you discover it will not, then you have to decide if you are in or out.


I sure hope we can work through this...but knowing my husband this is just not going to happen.
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  #17  
Old 08-30-2012, 08:47 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newbie1 View Post
I have a husband who acts like my father....maybe at 19 that is what i needed when we got married
Yes, and he wanted someone to take care of, control, or both

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Originally Posted by newbie1 View Post
...but now - i don't know who I am.
Finding out who you are is your next adventure. Do this before getting involved with others and poly will be easier - maybe much easier.

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-30-2012 at 08:51 PM.
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  #18  
Old 08-31-2012, 01:41 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
Yes, and he wanted someone to take care of, control, or both


Finding out who you are is your next adventure. Do this before getting involved with others and poly will be easier - maybe much easier.


Thank you Snowmelt - I think you are absolutely correct and I feel in my heart that I need to sort through all of this in my life.
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  #19  
Old 08-31-2012, 10:14 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Life is (and should be) about personal growth. Each person should be free to discover who they can be and grow and develop as a consequence of that. A relationship, in my opinion, should nurture that, rather than restrict it. I think that this is a quite common problem, because of fear - fear that the person may grow to the point where the relationship can no longer survive.

That fear is real - but it should be a reason to stop growing, and live in a cage for the rest of your life.

So what has happened is that you have grown to the point where the relationship dynamic with your husband is no longer giving you want you want out of the relationship. You have a choice - live in the cage, negotiate with your husband to change the relationship dynamic to give you what you want, or end the relationship. The second one is probably the first thing to try. If that doesn't work, then maybe counseling would be good for you, although I am thinking that he may have a problem with that.

It is very tough when folks grow like this - this "till death us do part" garbage that people have this fantasy about. I am always very cautious in the commitments I make in my relationships - nothing is a promise "forever" - if it's *is* forever then that is fantastic.
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  #20  
Old 08-31-2012, 10:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newbie1 View Post
He says he would be okay with me having a lesbian lover - but he would still expect to be part of that relationship.
He has no jurisdiction over your or another woman's body. To insist that anyone who gets involved with you must also be sexual with him is tantamount to rape. SHE chooses who to be with. YOU choose who to be with. He doesn't get to choose for anyone else. He expects to partake in her sexual favors just because she's with you -- what sick and possessive bullshit. Sorry, but it seems he does not think about you at all, only his dick and where he can stick it.
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