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  #11  
Old 08-30-2012, 04:08 AM
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You might want to consider having her not take the bus on Friday, and clearing this up on the phone or skype or what have you.

You have a right to have what you want. You have every right to feel what you feel. There is no need for you to feel badly about not knowing what you didn't know. You could feel a little (JUST A LITTLE) badly about not asking. And, as GG says, now you know to ask instead of assume stuff.

I'm sorry this feels so harsh to you. I, myself, hate being in confusion. I was in a meltdown last week (not about love, but about work) and it was just awful.

I just want to advocate for your clear communication prior to her arrival. I know for me, being in someone's presence, seeing their face, hearing their voice directly, being able to smell them, all those things make it much harder for me to be clear-minded about what I want FOR ME. How I feel. Because all I feel in their presence is longing for them.

You have said you don't want to lose her, but I wonder if you can re-frame that. You're not 'losing', you're discovering that you thought you were a match, and you're actually not-so-much. This is WHY people date. This is why you wait to have sex. I'm assuming you were waiting for something. It's a great blessing to find out prior to having sex, that this is not really the person you wanted to have sex with. You're gaining the ability to find the person that truly is a match for you. The person who can love only you, the way you want to be loved.
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  #12  
Old 08-30-2012, 04:33 PM
Panda Panda is offline
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Default Thank you so much

Wow, I'm so thankful to you lovely people for responding and helping me. As a person who isn't poly I didn't know what to expect coming to a poly forum, if people would tell me to just try it and I might like it or what, but I want to say that you have made me feel welcome and comfortable and much better about myself and my situation. *panda hugs*

So I read all the advice, thought about things and called my girlfriend. I told her how I felt, that I didn't understand exactly what poly was and that I wished she'd told me what it was instead of just vaguely alluding to it and leaving me to research what it was. I also told her I was hurt and embarrassed to have to find out on twitter that she was still in the relationship with the other girl.

She started crying and at first I thought "OMG, I've hurt her, now I have to backtrack and say it's ok" but then I remembered what you all said and I just let her cry until she was done. When I didn't respond to her crying she stopped and told me she was sorry.

She did say that she would never give up her girlfriend though. So I suggested that maybe she should not come here this weekend. Not because I'm angry but because it seems that we want very different things in life. That maybe we need to reevaluate our relationship before taking it further.

She then said that her girlfriend is in another province so I don't have to worry about her having intimacy with the girl. Well, to me that is not really the issue, the issue is that if I plan a life around her but she's not into the same plan then it is just silly to pretend.

So she insists on still coming here. We are going to talk when she's here. I talked to my mom about it. My mom and I are very close, like best friends. Mom is picking her up at the bus tomorrow and will talk to her before I get there. She really likes my mom and relates to her so I think this will be good. My mom has been mentoring her on how to get a job (she's kinda lazy and sometimes doesn't get up til noon) and mom has told her that looking for a job IS a full time job and she seems to be listening, so hopefully she listens to my mom about relationship stuff too. My mom is open minded and not judgmental so she can see both sides but of course she will look out for me first.

So I've decided that I will not have any sexual intimacy with my girlfriend if we still have lifestyle incompatibility. Sex is special to me. I've waited this long for the right girl, and if my GF is not the one then I will continue to wait. I can love her without sex. I have so far.

She says she's a very sexual person and that's why she wants to be poly. To me it seems she just wants a lot of experimental sex. She's had sex with quite a few people already, even just casually with no relationship, and seems to look at sex as a pastime whereas I look at it as a special thing to share only with a girl I want a future with.

I will not be a sex toy. If I wanted to I could have had sex with many girls. I've had lots of girls (and guys) hitting on me since I was 14 or so. But I always said no. I think I belong in a different era. I'm weird, I know. But I'm ok with being weird. It's who I am.

So she will arrive tomorrow afternoon, my mom will pick her up and take her to our place and have some wine and chats. Wine should make it easier for my GF to talk I think. I'm buying her favorite kind, and some snacks that she likes.

I will text my mom before I get home to see what's up. Hopefully it will have gone well.

I won't get home until about 3 hours after she arrives.

Then I will take my GF out for dinner and we can talk just the 2 of us.

I know that we may end up just good friends and cuddle buddies, but I would rather have that and know that's all it can ever be if she insists that she needs open relationships than have my heart destroyed by trying to make something work that can never be. At least I hope I'm strong enough to carry out my plan.

She can't understand why I can only be with one person. I can't understand why she needs open relationships. She says she and her GF have never had a problem with each of them having romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people. She says it means they're secure in their relationship to know that it's solid. I say that just makes me another sex toy with money. So if she's just wanting me for my money and sex, I don't understand her way of living.

Sigh...,...,being an adult is hard. I think I should just stick with loving my cats. Haha, not really but at least it's safe.

Thank you for listening to me and for helping me. I have a lot of thinking and decisions to make this weekend. I appreciate your help, understanding and support. I need to be strong.

Panda.

Last edited by Panda; 08-30-2012 at 04:35 PM.
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  #13  
Old 08-30-2012, 04:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Panda View Post
She can't understand why I can only be with one person. I can't understand why she needs open relationships. She says she and her GF have never had a problem with each of them having romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people. She says it means they're secure in their relationship to know that it's solid. I say that just makes me another sex toy with money. So if she's just wanting me for my money and sex, I don't understand her way of living.
Hi Panda,
I'm Mono and my partner is Poly, and believe me, while we connect quite closely on a number of things (and seem to "share a brain" fairly often), we really did NOT understand how the other thought/felt about relationships, and I believe we both made some assumptions that made communication extremely difficult. It took time for us to both realize that, even if we don't Grok where the other is coming from, that it truly is a difference in how we love, and not a desire to use anyone or be selfish on his end, nor a self-imposed restriction on mine.

She and her GF may not have any issues, but that doesn't invalidate the fact that you do (and others might), and it doesn't make what you're feeling "wrong". And her desire to have multiple relationships doesn't necessarily mean she's "using" anyone. If she is Poly, then yes, she may truly love the both of you.

I urge you both to take a lot of time communicating and trying to understand the other's point of view, whether or not you end up as a "couple" - it could be quite valuable to the both of you to have a close friend who understands the other (as much as you possibly can).
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  #14  
Old 08-30-2012, 05:50 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I say that just makes me another sex toy with money. So if she's just wanting me for my money and sex, I don't understand her way of living.
This is an incredibly disrespectful way to view your girlfriend, just because you can't comprehend how her mind and heart work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
She and her GF may not have any issues, but that doesn't invalidate the fact that you do (and others might), and it doesn't make what you're feeling "wrong". And her desire to have multiple relationships doesn't necessarily mean she's "using" anyone. If she is Poly, then yes, she may truly love the both of you.

I urge you both to take a lot of time communicating and trying to understand the other's point of view, whether or not you end up as a "couple" - it could be quite valuable to the both of you to have a close friend who understands the other (as much as you possibly can).
This!
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  #15  
Old 08-30-2012, 06:09 PM
Panda Panda is offline
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Thank you YouAreHere.

The reason why I started wondering today if my GF is attracted to my money is because she's unemployed, lives with grandma and hates it, has never had anyone spend money on her and now she has me, I take her out for fine dining, give her money and buy her things. That could make her think she loves me just because she's always been poor and struggling and all of a sudden this guy spends all this money on her and NOT that she's a gold digger but suddenly being wined and dined when she's only been taken out for burgers at fast food places before by other broke guys and girls, even her main GF is dirt poor and can't hold a job, may have something to do with her falling for me.

I don't know. I could be wrong.

So this time when she comes I'm not giving her money or buying her things and no fine dining in restaurants. I'm quite a chef, been cooking and creating my own recipes since I was 7 years old, so I'll just cook for her at home.

I am really happy for you that your relationship is working.

And happy to meet a guy who's mono and is with a poly and knows what it's like.

I think maybe that this is just too much for me for a FIRST ever relationship. I'm just turned 20, she's 19.

I thought we had a lot in common because we both like the same music and like video games. And we love cats. Pretty lame reason to fall in love, huh? And she's really cute. And she has the same ailments as my mom. Maybe it's a comfort thing for me and not love? I don't even know anymore.

And I'm lonely. I'm shy.

If I had other relationships to compare this to it might be different. But I don't.

I think I'm babbling like a fool. Haha.

You're probably right, that she loves both of us.

I don't know where my head is now. I guess I'll find out this weekend.

Just ignore my babbling and confusion please. I'm not usually so scattered, but I'm at work and trying to deal with everything and ... this Panda needs to calm down and just chill haha.

thank you.

Panda
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  #16  
Old 08-30-2012, 06:17 PM
Panda Panda is offline
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Sneacail I'm really hurt by you calling me incredibly disrespectful. You don't know me. I'm not ever disrespectful of anyone. I just have blurt-itis and say stuff without thinking.

I mean no disrespect to my gf. But she talks about "toyboys" and has even called me her boy-toy or toyboy or whatever, but I thought it was kidding but then I thought maybe she meant it.

I am not able to really deal with what you called me so I'm just going to respectfully not talk of it any more.

I'm sorry if I sounded like a jerk. I'm not. I'm just a confused inexperienced guy who should think before he types.

Respectfully, Panda (who can be incredibly stupid but never disrespectful)
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  #17  
Old 08-30-2012, 06:22 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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Panda, kudos to you for being open-minded and level-headed about this and being willing to consider the advice of other people on this forum.

As a poly female, I am able to love more than one person and it isn't just about sex or using people for sex and money. Believe me, I could use people like that if I wanted to, and I've had some guys actually ask me if I would just because they wanted to be with me. (I refused, because that isn't the kind of person I am or want to be.)

You two definitely do have different perspectives, but it doesn't mean hers is bad, just like it doesn't mean yours is bad. Some people are mono, and some people are poly. The best way is the way that works for each individual person. There is no blanket best way that applies to everyone.

It honestly sounds like she might be poly, but is insecure about it and isn't sure how to bring it up to other people. This doesn't excuse her behavior, but it might be a starting point to both of you being able to grow. If she learns from this that being dishonest doesn't help her to get more love, she might start fostering a habit of being more honest and up front. It usually isn't too hard to find fellow poly folk if you do some digging around and make it known first and foremost when meeting new people.

I wish the two of you the best of luck working this out. It sounds like there is potential for great friendship relationship there, even if a romantic relationship is off the table. And if she truly is poly, then she should probably have a focus toward having all of her relationships be positive relationships in her life, romantic or otherwise.

I am glad we made you feel safe to share and be open with us.
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  #18  
Old 08-30-2012, 06:32 PM
Panda Panda is offline
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Musical Rose you are so nice it is making me cry. I am taking a break from talking on here for a bit tho because I think I'm coming across as an incredibly disrespectful jerk in some people's eyes and that's not who I am but I think I word stuff wrong and have been "thinking in text" and just writing every feeling and thought that pops into my head without thinking about how horrid it may sound.

I'm very insecure, I have social anxiety and get panic attacks.

I'll come back later with well thought out words when I feel able.

Panda
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  #19  
Old 08-30-2012, 06:45 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Panda:

You are handling a tough situation in Jedi Player ways. I commend you. Nobody wants to be dealing in Muppet Show dramas.

Quote:
I think I'm coming across as an incredibly disrespectful jerk in some people's eyes and that's not who I am but I think I word stuff wrong and have been "thinking in text" and just writing every feeling and thought that pops into my head without thinking about how horrid it may sound.
I want to lift these things up from what seems to be developing as a "journal thread" with you talking out loud as you guide yourself through your waters.

I don't think you sound like a jerk.
I think you are sounding like a person writing in a journal trying to sort themselves out... and seeking a little feedback here and there while doing so. You might ask a mod to move it over to the BLOG thread area for you.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=5

Quote:
She started crying and at first I thought "OMG, I've hurt her, now I have to backtrack and say it's ok" but then I remembered what you all said and I just let her cry until she was done. When I didn't respond to her crying she stopped and told me she was sorry.
This was good. Let internal weather just blow on through. You do NOT have to "fix" tears. Just let it blow on through and let the person return to a place where they can speak again. Hand tissues. Pat pat there there. If they emotionally flood, reschedule the talk for another time when heads are cool. That is compassionate response. Some things take more than one talk to get all the way across and it is ok to set another time to talk if emotional flooding has happened.

But YOU are not responsible for feelings being felt, esp when you are doing nothing with mean intent. It's just internal weather. You ARE responsible for how you choose to behave, and compromising what YOU want just to make another stop crying and be "happy" is not Love.

There is a certain amount of give and take in a mature relationship, sure.

But entering a polyship YOU CLEARLY DO NOT WANT is not helping you or her any -- it's not even the relationship model you want to be in for yourself!

That's is not certain amount of give and take within a relationship model you want to be in to maintain the happy medium and live together harmoniously. THAT would be compromising your own integrity and that's just not an option if YOU wish you be happy in yourself and in your life. If she wants a polyship, she deserves to have it with people who really want to be in polyship of some kind (and there are many models!) with her and work with it. If you want to be in monogamous relationship, you deserve that for you with people who really want to be in the same monoship style with you.

That is fair. You each get to pick for your own life.

Quote:
So I suggested that maybe she should not come here this weekend. Not because I'm angry but because it seems that we want very different things in life. That maybe we need to reevaluate our relationship before taking it further. So she insists on still coming here. We are going to talk when she's here. I talked to my mom about it. My mom is open minded and not judgmental so she can see both sides but of course she will look out for me first.
Good on you! Your GF did not want to respect a soft limit you put out of sorting through a bit before meeting up in person. Perhaps to be able to keep cooler heads?

But she INSISTS on talking in person. I don't see what talking in person covers that cannot be done by phone. So be on guard for her throwing herself emotionally or sexually at you. It sounds horrible -- but let's keep it real.

I do not know EITHER of you, I'm some stranger. But you have a girl who sounds from your writings like she is very loose with her emotional boundaries there and she talks about people as "boy toys" -- people are not THINGS. They are PERSONS. So good for you seeing that you could be not seeing entirely clear because you are in NRE, and it's the first big relationship for you. Turning to your mom for aid was smart. You are guarding your own emotional health bucket -- or trying to -- in age appropriate ways. At 20 years old, you are a young adult person but could still benefit from experienced adults giving you sane advice. There is nothing wrong with being inexperienced and wanting to proceed in your life journey in a SANE WAY.

Kudos for owning your own baggage!

Remember your promises to YOURSELF:

Quote:
I think maybe that this is just too much for me for a FIRST ever relationship. I'm just turned 20, she's 19.
Quote:
So this time when she comes I'm not giving her money or buying her things and no fine dining in restaurants.
Quote:
the issue is that if I plan a life around her but she's not into the same plan then it is just silly to pretend.
Quote:
I've decided that I will not have any sexual intimacy with my girlfriend if we still have lifestyle incompatibility. Sex is special to me. I've waited this long for the right girl, and if my GF is not the one then I will continue to wait. I can love her without sex. I have so far.
Quote:
I know that we may end up just good friends and cuddle buddies, but I would rather have that and know that's all it can ever be if she insists that she needs open relationships than have my heart destroyed by trying to make something work that can never be. At least I hope I'm strong enough to carry out my plan.
You may consider just breaking up and turning the volume down to friends without cuddly business. Being cuddle buddies with her may delay your finding/seeking Another that is more the fit of what you seek from Life because THEY don't want to get involved with someone who has some cuddly bunny on the side.

There is NOTHING wrong with you being monoamorous AND seeking a monogamous relationship structure. You want what you want. Your life is your life. You are entitled to live it how you want to live it.

You do NOT have to be monoamorous and poly friendly so you can accept and handle being a monoamorous person in a poly structure like a "V" or something because she wants that from you. She can want that. But YOU decide if you can give that or not honestly -- and say an honest no if you cannot. Do not compromise your own values and desires on something so core.

You both can be sad it isn't a runner, but at 19? Her wailing and crying and wishing to have both when clearly YOU are not wishing this is kinda... fresh.

Chalk it up to age in inexperience or not yet adult mature rather than outright mean -- but the bottom line is still the bottom line. The 19 year old is thinking about HER wants first. Not what is best for you (the partner) or what is best for the relationship overall. Just wahhhh... want what she wants and waaaaahhhh can't have it! This is her opportunity to grow herself into a better her by learning to respect other people's wants, needs, and limits more gracefully. She has opportunity to learn to state what she wants, needs, and her limits are more forthrightly from the get go.

This is YOUR opportunity to learn how to know and state your own wants, needs, and limits and how to firmly but kindly say NO when you come to find your dating partner is not quite it. So that you can keep your integrity and balance even when it is a challenging situation.

If this ends up as a break up, it is opportunity for BOTH to learn how to break up well and with grace and give yourselves aftercare. That's a valuable skill. In dating life, the odds are that you will use that skill again.

Breaking up well can be awesome -- I have one break up that was excellent! We laughed, we cried, it was great! And we were friends for a long time. It was very healing to be able to grieve together over having tried for a long while and reaching the end of the run and landing it well.

I still smile when I think of him.

You are not that much older than her, but have a much better handle on that "keeping it real" thing. I salute you. You may be new to practical dating experiences, but you are wise in your ways. You just don't know it yet.

Hang in there, Jedi. Love well, Love hard. Stay true to yourself.

Namaste,

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-30-2012 at 07:21 PM.
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  #20  
Old 08-30-2012, 07:03 PM
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I just wanted to say Panda, you show incredible self-awareness and inner strength and sometimes we don't get a lot of that on this forum, so this kind of awesome to read.

I don't really have any advice besides whatever has been said already, and you've come to some conclusions and hard limits for yourself beforehand, so I'd say you're on the right path. You're doing good, seriously.
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