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  #1  
Old 08-30-2012, 12:52 AM
yul yul is offline
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Default I am lonely and can't make opposite sex friends whatsoever

Hello, need some help here please...I am very depressed.

I am 37 yo, in a LTR and my SO is willing to accept some openeness in my relationship as long as there is friendship and knowledge of the situation.

Now, while I just can't go and pick up girls randomly for dates, it was suggested that I made female friends and include them in my relationship slowly.

Now I am realizing that the vast majority of the girls I meet do not maintain the relationship.

I have tried to initiate friendships with over 10 girls in the past year and most of them don't really stick..except 1 or 2 maybe but barely.

I am very polite, respectful, like to have fun, good manners and never insist or act needy.

I am very well groomed and have a good job etc..but feel that either they don't want me as a friend or don't like my GF.

So how the hell does anyone make opposite sex friends? I am totally clueless.

I am lonely and need new friends since my relationship was a vacuum, for too long and most of the friends in the couple are tied to my GF.

I already have a few guy friends that are busy and I see once in a while but I really want to ramp up my opposite sex friendship base.

Please help!

Last edited by yul; 08-30-2012 at 01:15 AM.
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  #2  
Old 08-30-2012, 01:24 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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The best way to meet people is to focus on doing things you enjoy doing, and meet the people who appear in your life as you do those things. It may also be a good idea to not focus so much on gender. Get to know people for who they are. People you initially meet will know others. Those others will know others, etc.

Focus on activities that are fun.
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  #3  
Old 08-30-2012, 02:32 AM
yul yul is offline
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Well it turns out the things I enjoy doing don't really have a whole lot of interesting people unfortunately.

Even at work or where I train, it's really boring.

I know not focusing on gender is the way to go but I really want to have girl friends.

Not even for poly or sex or anything. I just feel more comfortable that way.

Heck I would even settle for some cool guys but most of them are either too busy in their relationships or they are losers or they are only interested in hanging out with other chicks (just like me).
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Old 08-30-2012, 01:39 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yul View Post
Well it turns out the things I enjoy doing don't really have a whole lot of interesting people unfortunately.

Even at work or where I train, it's really boring.
Sounds like a personal problem, to borrow from my metamour.

What is it that you do, exactly? If it's even boring you, why are you doing it? (This applies equally to work and play.)

Some spaces are gendered by tradition, but you can help break that tradition. I would welcome men to a sewing group, for example. My local tailors are all men; why should they feel unwelcome among people who are teaching themselves the same trade, essentially? Textile enthusiasts of the world, unite! And teach me better hemming techniques while you're at it!

Some spaces are gendered by the tone of the activity. When I participated in writing workshops, by and large the ladies were writing romances. Even I couldn't relate, and I'm a woman. But neither could I relate to the testosterone-laden genres: the thrillers, the shoot-em-ups. By and large, speculative fiction (SF/F) tends to have the most balanced demographic. I go to a con and I meet men, women, neither, both, etc.

Women are beginning, finally, to understand that computers are fun for everyone. The assumption that the sciences are for men is dying, so we can pursue math and coding and all that awesome stuff. Geekdom is turning egalitarian. Women game, women hack, women have LAN parties (or go to them).

But the place you might look for a true cross-section of society is your local performing arts group. There's room both backstage and onstage. Music is universal. In my community, the high school band director is married to the director of the community band. Neither is considered more or less competent than the other.

Of course, they'll all pitch you out on your arse faster than you can say "Sorry!" if you call anyone a loser or a chick. Might want to adjust that part of your thinking before daring to make friends across gender lines. Those attitudes are the reason why some spaces are women-only by choice.
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  #5  
Old 08-30-2012, 01:53 PM
yul yul is offline
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I indeed work in the computer business and train martial arts. I love both to death but there is no possibility of meeting the kind of people I would like to meet there.

And yes, there are plenty of losers in the bar scene as well as performing arts.

I have actually been involved for in it for some time...attention seekers, drugs/alcoholism, manipulators...been there done that.

Especially with the facebook craze, everybody wants to be a celebrity and am very tired.
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Old 08-30-2012, 03:18 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yul View Post
I indeed work in the computer business and train martial arts. I love both to death but there is no possibility of meeting the kind of people I would like to meet there.

And yes, there are plenty of losers in the bar scene as well as performing arts.

I have actually been involved for in it for some time...attention seekers, drugs/alcoholism, manipulators...been there done that.

Especially with the facebook craze, everybody wants to be a celebrity and am very tired.
There are no women involved in computers or martial arts? This is me tilting my head sideways. Considered taking lessons at a different martial arts center? Even just lessons in a different discipline, so you're not slighting your current teacher? Or volunteering at your own, maybe to teach self-defense classes? And I know perfectly well that there are women in IT. My partner and my father both work with them.

Forget the bar scene. That's for getting drunk and fucking. But seriously, no nice people backstage in theatre? I understand not wanting to mess with actors, and directors of all genders can get... interesting... as opening night draws nearer. You can't make friends with a makeup lady or a costumer? Both are still woman-dominated areas.

What, exactly, are you looking for in a woman friend?
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  #7  
Old 08-30-2012, 03:58 PM
yul yul is offline
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Just someone that can go for coffee, have conversations, go at parties, go to shows, picnics etc..simple things.

There ARE some interesting people around me occasionally but they are simply not open for friendships as far as I can conclude.
Especially the opposite sex since many are in vanilla relationships where this wouldn't be tolerated easily I find.

I think it would be easier if I went straight for the seduction/sex thing but that would mean bypassing friendship and would not be tolerated in my couple...see what I mean?

Argh anyways, thanks for your help!

I am sure I will figure it out.

Last edited by yul; 08-30-2012 at 04:13 PM.
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  #8  
Old 08-30-2012, 04:50 PM
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From the sounds of it, it's mostly a simple matter of the places you're looking to make friends at. Workplaces vary, but it's certainly not uncommon for associations to end the moment one walks out the door. Classes are, well, a time when they are focused on learning, rather than making friends. I hate to say it, but, there is also the issue of age. A lot of unattached mono females our age are fixated, consciously or unconsciously, on getting into that LTR they've been looking for. A guy with a gf doesn't fit that bill. The attached ones are a whole different ball of wax, with a wide margin of different issues.

So, what's a guy in your situation to do? Change the venue. A couple of options for you to consider. Go online, where there are tons of resources such as dating sites, gaming sites, etc. Go to poly meetups and events. Try a hand at poly speed dating. Heck, even non-poly speed dating might be worth a shot. In short, get yourself into more settings where being social is not just acceptable but also a major part of the experience. I'd agree that hitting the bar/club may not be the best idea, unless you happen to know of a few that aren't the typical pick-up spots.
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  #9  
Old 08-30-2012, 05:06 PM
yul yul is offline
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Ghee thanks!

Please explain how I could go to dating sites or speed dating (poly or not) without being creepy?

I know I have seen some dating ads from people in relationships (for extramarital sex) but I am not sure if this would be accepted by my SO..
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  #10  
Old 08-30-2012, 05:22 PM
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It's not overly difficult really. Your main focus is on making friends, yes? Then that is really all you need to use the tools for. Selection is important. For example, AFF would not be a place to go as it's more of a meat market, while OKCupid is a more poly friendly spot in which you're not being viewed as creepy. In gaming and gaming sites, it's not uncommon to chat with the other players, so again, not creepy.

In the speed dating idea, you're trying to meet people, and that is one way. Not only the folks that you sit down with, but also the people that are gathered there as part of the event. It has the side benefit of helping you hone your social skills. Remember, just because it's geared toward dating, that doesn't mean that you will date or have to. It gets you introduced, which is the starting point in any friendship.
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