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  #31  
Old 08-29-2012, 08:59 PM
Urvile Urvile is offline
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Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
Go back and read replies 21 - 24. Answer those questions directly and honestly. Then tell me what "Wanted to reply with a non reply" is all about.
1) I had to leave, and was unsure when I could reply. I was trying to be polite.

I'll go back re-read the questions and try to reply in a timely fashion.
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  #32  
Old 08-29-2012, 09:01 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Originally Posted by Urvile View Post
I thought about this, and it resonated. I've said this to her more than once.

One of my needs, was to be with someone who listens.

When I've been most unhappy in the relationship, has been when she did not listen, or cherry picked one thing out of a conversation.
You walk towards (stay with) someone who lies and cheats on you. Why? Please answer this question directly and honestly.
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  #33  
Old 08-29-2012, 09:12 PM
Urvile Urvile is offline
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Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
Ok, I may now have some of your attention. I know this is hard work. Stay with me on this. I know (that you know) when I asked you why you walk towards, I was asking you why you walk towards someone who lies to you and cheats on you. Your answer to me only makes sense if you twist my question first. I'm going to untwist my question and ask it again.


Why do you walk toward someone who lies to you and cheats on you?
I am not walking towards her, I'd say I've stopped, and am turning away.

I'm trying to come to terms with my own ego, fear, weaknesses, and failures. I've done this slowly; but it's been consistent, and a self aware choice. I do have self doubt, it's one of the reasons I'm here. I'm not looking for permission, or validation for my feelings. I'm trying to make sure I have clarity in both my intent, and my actions.
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  #34  
Old 08-29-2012, 09:21 PM
Urvile Urvile is offline
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Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
You walk towards (stay with) someone who lies and cheats on you. Why? Please answer this question directly and honestly.
I'd agree I have / have had, fear, loneliness, attachment. In the good times much pleasure in her company, and think whatever you might, I do love her. Those are the major reasons.

None of these are good reasons to stay. Or outweigh the abuse I've felt.
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  #35  
Old 08-29-2012, 10:43 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Originally Posted by Urvile View Post
I agree with this, with one exception, I'm here, I'm asking for help, and this for me is difficult. I want to be happy. I want to be a good person.
I got it. I understand what is going on with you. Have you ever been to a movie or watched a play? You know there is a lead actor who plays the lead role, and a lot of people around that actor who play supporting roles. The people who play supporting roles are there to enhance what the lead actor is trying to do.

There is a type of drama some people engage in that I call "poor me". Some people like to play the role of poor me in their lives. The healthy direct way to ask for attention is to tell someone “Hey, I want some attention from you. Please give it to me.” The person playing the role of “poor me” wants the attention, but does not want to ask for it directly. They do not want to ask for it directly because they do not want to reveal to others they want it in the first place (especially the person they are "asking" through the poor me drama).


They create at least one situation that gives them a reason to feel really bad about something. They use this situation to yell “poor me” from the mountain tops. There are always people around who will respond to a “poor me” call by giving the lead player in the “poor me” drama attention. The lead player really wants this attention. That is why the lead player does not want to solve the issue. If they solve it the attention they are getting will stop. The solution would end the "poor me" call from the mountain top, and let those responding to the poor me call (by giving their attention) know there is no longer a need for that attention.

You are the lead player in your own personal “poor me” drama. There is at least one supporting actor. That supporting actor is your girlfriend who lies to you and cheats on you. She plays a supporting role, because she gives you the reason you need to shout “poor me” from the mountain top. You use the “poor me” drama to get attention without having to ask directly for it.

I don't know if this drama is playing out at the level of your intellect, or deeper ( I don't know if you are intellectually aware of this or not). I'm not going to try to figure that one out. The next thing I am going to do is show you how a person with high self esteem interacts with a person playing the “poor me” role. I am doing this to give you a demonstration of the power of high self esteem. The very next paragraph starts this demonstration. The words I speak to you in the paragraphs below are sincere.


I acknowledge your desire to play the poor me role to gain the attention you want without having to directly ask for it. I respect and honor your desire to play poor me. I respect and honor your choice of supporting actress – your girlfriend. - for giving you the reason – the fuel – to keep this drama going.


I honor and respect the fact that you will play this role until it no longer serves you. As long as you are playing it and it serves you, this drama is and will continue to be alive and well in your life. This drama is not a problem for you at all. It is something you want, until you no longer want it. You will stop this drama easily when you are finished with it. All the people playing their respective roles in your drama (your life) are doing it voluntarily. That means they do not see any of this as a problem either. There is nothing I can do for you. That is appropriate, because there is nothing you need. You are content in this role. I do not wish to play a supporting role in this poor me drama. My next step is to get out of your way and wish you well.


My very best wishes to you.
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  #36  
Old 08-29-2012, 11:04 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post

I honor and respect the fact that you will play this role until it no longer serves you. As long as you are playing it and it serves you, this drama is and will continue to be alive and well in your life. This drama is not a problem for you at all. It is something you want, until you no longer want it. You will stop this drama easily when you are finished with it. All the people playing their respective roles in your drama (your life) are doing it voluntarily. That means they do not see any of this as a problem either. There is nothing I can do for you. That is appropriate, because there is nothing you need. You are content in this role. I do not wish to play a supporting role in this poor me drama. My next step is to get out of your way and wish you well.


My very best wishes to you.
Excellent!

I agree - sometimes people are happiest when they are making themselves miserable. I call it "being one's own best enemy".
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  #37  
Old 08-29-2012, 11:34 PM
Urvile Urvile is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
I got it. I understand what is going on with you. Have you ever been to a movie or watched a play? You know there is a lead actor who plays the lead role, and a lot of people around that actor who play supporting roles. The people who play supporting roles are there to enhance what the lead actor is trying to do.

There is a type of drama some people engage in that I call "poor me". Some people like to play the role of poor me in their lives. The healthy direct way to ask for attention is to tell someone “Hey, I want some attention from you. Please give it to me.” The person playing the role of “poor me” wants the attention, but does not want to ask for it directly. They do not want to ask for it directly because they do not want to reveal to others they want it in the first place (especially the person they are "asking" through the poor me drama).



They create at least one situation that gives them a reason to feel really bad about something. They use this situation to yell “poor me” from the mountain tops. There are always people around who will respond to a “poor me” call by giving the lead player in the “poor me” drama attention. The lead player really wants this attention. That is why the lead player does not want to solve the issue. If they solve it the attention they are getting will stop. The solution would end the "poor me" call from the mountain top, and let those responding to the poor me call (by giving their attention) know there is no longer a need for that attention.

You are the lead player in your own personal “poor me” drama. There is at least one supporting actor. That supporting actor is your girlfriend who lies to you and cheats on you. She plays a supporting role, because she gives you the reason you need to shout “poor me” from the mountain top. You use the “poor me” drama to get attention without having to ask directly for it.

I don't know if this drama is playing out at the level of your intellect, or deeper ( I don't know if you are intellectually aware of this or not). I'm not going to try to figure that one out. The next thing I am going to do is show you how a person with high self esteem interacts with a person playing the “poor me” role. I am doing this to give you a demonstration of the power of high self esteem. The very next paragraph starts this demonstration. The words I speak to you in the paragraphs below are sincere.


I acknowledge your desire to play the poor me role to gain the attention you want without having to directly ask for it. I respect and honor your desire to play poor me. I respect and honor your choice of supporting actress – your girlfriend. - for giving you the reason – the fuel – to keep this drama going.


I honor and respect the fact that you will play this role until it no longer serves you. As long as you are playing it and it serves you, this drama is and will continue to be alive and well in your life. This drama is not a problem for you at all. It is something you want, until you no longer want it. You will stop this drama easily when you are finished with it. All the people playing their respective roles in your drama (your life) are doing it voluntarily. That means they do not see any of this as a problem either. There is nothing I can do for you. That is appropriate, because there is nothing you need. You are content in this role. I do not wish to play a supporting role in this poor me drama. My next step is to get out of your way and wish you well.


My very best wishes to you.

I'm not interested in drama. Yes, I've made mistakes. Yes I own them. Please read the preface. If I only wanted to be a victim, I'd have not asked for insight or help, I would have relished my role, and dug in, not looked for a way out.

You imply that, I came into this wanting for things to unfold they way they did. Or that it was obvious that this would be the only possible result.

You are correct, I accepted behavior I should not have, and I avoided many signs that this would happen. Those were mistakes.

I've picked a direction and am going that way, and those are all away from additional drama. This is the end, not the beginning or mid point, in the relationship.

I did not understand her mind set and reasons, much was portrayed as being under the poly umbrella *by her*.

I educated myself, she identified herself as poly, I felt like a stranger in a strange land, I'd been married for 17 years previously.

What I found was consistent, poly, mono, when they worked, they are all based on having a good relationship. I wasn't missing anything.

I'm no victim, I'm changing things right now, for the better.
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  #38  
Old 08-29-2012, 11:41 PM
Urvile Urvile is offline
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I believe snow melt asked a question, it seems to be gone / edited away.

When was the last time I saw her?

Briefly yesterday.

I told her I would no longer be supporting her.
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  #39  
Old 08-29-2012, 11:45 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Urvile View Post
I'm not interested in drama. Yes, I've made mistakes. Yes I own them. Please read the preface. If I only wanted to be a victim, I'd have not asked for insight or help, I would have relished my role, and dug in, not looked for a way out.

You imply that, I came into this wanting for things to unfold they way they did. Or that it was obvious that this would be the only possible result.

You are correct, I accepted behavior I should not have, and I avoided many signs that this would happen. Those were mistakes.

I've picked a direction and am going that way, and those are all away from additional drama. This is the end, not the beginning or mid point, in the relationship.

I did not understand her mind set and reasons, much was portrayed as being under the poly umbrella *by her*.

I educated myself, she identified herself as poly, I felt like a stranger in a strange land, I'd been married for 17 years previously.

What I found was consistent, poly, mono, when they worked, they are all based on having a good relationship. I wasn't missing anything.

I'm no victim, I'm changing things right now, for the better.
That's great!

Is there anything else we can help you with?
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  #40  
Old 08-29-2012, 11:59 PM
Urvile Urvile is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Seattle
Posts: 25
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Quote:
I got it. I understand what is going on with you. Have you ever been to a movie or watched a play? You know there is a lead actor who plays the lead role, and a lot of people around that actor who play supporting roles. The people who play supporting roles are there to enhance what the lead actor is trying to do.

There is a type of drama some people engage in that I call "poor me". Some people like to play the role of poor me in their lives. The healthy direct way to ask for attention is to tell someone “Hey, I want some attention from you. Please give it to me.” The person playing the role of “poor me” wants the attention, but does not want to ask for it directly. They do not want to ask for it directly because they do not want to reveal to others they want it in the first place (especially the person they are "asking" through the poor me drama).



They create at least one situation that gives them a reason to feel really bad about something. They use this situation to yell “poor me” from the mountain tops. There are always people around who will respond to a “poor me” call by giving the lead player in the “poor me” drama attention. The lead player really wants this attention. That is why the lead player does not want to solve the issue. If they solve it the attention they are getting will stop. The solution would end the "poor me" call from the mountain top, and let those responding to the poor me call (by giving their attention) know there is no longer a need for that attention.

You are the lead player in your own personal “poor me” drama. There is at least one supporting actor. That supporting actor is your girlfriend who lies to you and cheats on you. She plays a supporting role, because she gives you the reason you need to shout “poor me” from the mountain top. You use the “poor me” drama to get attention without having to ask directly for it.

I don't know if this drama is playing out at the level of your intellect, or deeper ( I don't know if you are intellectually aware of this or not). I'm not going to try to figure that one out. The next thing I am going to do is show you how a person with high self esteem interacts with a person playing the “poor me” role. I am doing this to give you a demonstration of the power of high self esteem. The very next paragraph starts this demonstration. The words I speak to you in the paragraphs below are sincere.


I acknowledge your desire to play the poor me role to gain the attention you want without having to directly ask for it. I respect and honor your desire to play poor me. I respect and honor your choice of supporting actress – your girlfriend. - for giving you the reason – the fuel – to keep this drama going.


I honor and respect the fact that you will play this role until it no longer serves you. As long as you are playing it and it serves you, this drama is and will continue to be alive and well in your life. This drama is not a problem for you at all. It is something you want, until you no longer want it. You will stop this drama easily when you are finished with it. All the people playing their respective roles in your drama (your life) are doing it voluntarily. That means they do not see any of this as a problem either. There is nothing I can do for you. That is appropriate, because there is nothing you need. You are content in this role. I do not wish to play a supporting role in this poor me drama. My next step is to get out of your way and wish you well.


My very best wishes to you.
Sarcasm, is really the lowest common denominator.

I appreciate directness, and honesty. I've been trying to do both as best as I can.

This diatribe, it's ironic, you've just undermined your own argument.

Last edited by Urvile; 08-30-2012 at 12:03 AM.
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