Married for a long time, starting to be poly

[tallOakland]

Originally Posted by Skye

Just trying to throw some "what ifs" out there, so I am just prefacing my post by letting you know I am not trying to be intentionally negative.

You have never met your online love. What if you meet and the chemistry in person isn't what it is online? Can I ask if meeting someone online was intentional, or was it a chance meeting - like you were playing online games together and got to talking? If it was intentional, is there a reason you chose to talk to someone that lives so far away?

Also, if things are as great in person as they are online, what are you going to do about it in the long term? Does she want to move here? Do you and your wife want to move there?

Sometimes it is hard to see past the NRE into the realities of the future. It sounds like your wife is more supportive of you being poly than your girlfriend is. I am assuming you didn't meet her in a poly fashion....?

I completely agree with Musical that your women becoming friends can make things MUCH easier. Maybe your wife can also speak to her online before you meet in person?

Your questions are useful and relevant. I have had (negative) experiences with long distance relationships before and never intended to have one again.

We met at some online place and I was not looking for a relationship at all (I did not even acknowledge that I was poly at that time -- I thought I was mono but struggled with urges).

The meeting just happened. And you are right, there is the obvious possibility that one or both of us will not like each other in person. It's so much different than online. I have been there. And of course if that happens then the solution is pretty simple. It does not change the fact that I'm poly.

We have had very extensive conversations about the future, all of us, and especially my lover, and it seems to my lover that all possible outcomes are bad. But my lover is by nature more pessimistic than I am and I think that maybe we can find some way to make it work, either at a distance or by perhaps moving there. If there is a move, it's likely that my family would have to move (her kids are much older and established in their very small community, our kids are very young yet).

And we have tried many times to stop talking and so far have not been able to, so I feel we should meet and try to play this thing out.

I have learned from long experience that it's very difficult to predict and plan for the distant future, especially in the absence of data. Of course questions like the ones you ask need to be considered carefully.

[tallOakland]

Originally Posted by Skye

I completely agree with Musical that your women becoming friends can make things MUCH easier. Maybe your wife can also speak to her online before you meet in person?

Good idea, I will suggest that.

[MusicalRose]

Do you think that your wife would be willing to pick up and move across the country for a relationship with a woman that may or may not work out?

I am also not trying to be pessimistic, but it really doesn't look like the cards are falling in your favor for this particular relationship. Your lover doesn't seem to be willing to explore any options optimistically, and the only solutions seem to be drastic and something that would require a long time and a lot of planning.

All of this is for someone you haven't even met in person yet. It isn't impossible, but it really looks improbable that this is going to work out in any kind of easy way and it may not work at all.

[tallOakland]

Originally Posted by MusicalRose

Do you think that your wife would be willing to pick up and move across the country for a relationship with a woman that may or may not work out?

I am also not trying to be pessimistic, but it really doesn't look like the cards are falling in your favor for this particular relationship. Your lover doesn't seem to be willing to explore any options optimistically, and the only solutions seem to be drastic and something that would require a long time and a lot of planning.

All of this is for someone you haven't even met in person yet. It isn't impossible, but it really looks improbable that this is going to work out in any kind of easy way and it may not work at all.

Yes, you could be right. We have both considered the option of stopping many times, and it's very difficult for us to do so. I agree the odds are long, but I think the best path forward is to see what happens. And I'm further not sure that she is not willing to explore options optimistically. Things can change.

[Avatar]

Has it been considered that perhaps things can simply stay as they are, with you and lover talking online and the very occasional meeting IRL? Or is there some pressure to get the relationship moving forward. If the the later, moving forward to what?

I have to agree that your best chances of solving the dilemma likely lay in your wife and lover developing a relationship of their own. Online being the easiest way, and there is the options of texting, voice chat, and video chatting.

[tallOakland]

Originally Posted by Avatar

Has it been considered that perhaps things can simply stay as they are, with you and lover talking online and the very occasional meeting IRL? Or is there some pressure to get the relationship moving forward. If the the later, moving forward to what?

I have to agree that your best chances of solving the dilemma likely lay in your wife and lover developing a relationship of their own. Online being the easiest way, and there is the options of texting, voice chat, and video chatting.

There is no pressure, at this point we just want to meet and see what happens.

[kdt26417]

Hello tallOakland,

Just wanted to add my welcome to our forum.

It sounds like your wife is handling it pretty well, all things considered. I guess you could proceed with this LDR person, but I would just do so cautiously.

I am glad if reading various posts/threads here is of help. One can never 100% predict the future, but it's still a good idea to learn from other people's experiences.

Hope you enjoy your stay.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.