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Old 08-29-2012, 01:10 AM
bingshari bingshari is offline
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Wink Triads, tribulations, and creating a family....

Hi everyone! You guys have all been very helpful to me and I am continuing to learn a lot about poly life and myself. So here is the latest update on my triad. We have all done a tremendous amount of growing and communicating over the last several weeks. My wife is still in NRE with our GF. The GF and I have decided to define our relationship as partners, because we do love each other, are even in love, but not that soul-shaking "i wanna marry you" kind of love. All three of us engage in intimacy, and my wife and our GF have private intimate time together. I just survived their first overnite together. I spent the time with a really good friend and it helped tremendously. We are making plans to start having meals together as a family (the GF has two beautiful kids who love us and know that we are together), and eventually hope to establish routines that evolve us into a living situation together. We are starting to talk schedules and plans.

So here are a few things we are working on and I am trying to get my head around. First: the wife and GF have asked to have every other sunday afternoon into monday together. Saturday is our "triad" day for dating and fun. I have agreed to this and hope that when the time comes I can hold it together. Sometimes I still struggle with the fact that the GF and my wife are in NRE and so very intimate with each other. I have an intimate friendship with and great love for our GF, and we have a lot of fun together. However there is one issue which leads me to my second thing: The GF is still intimidated by being intimate with me alone. Though she tells me that when we spend time together we will have "our encounters" as she calls them, from time to time, I have a hard time envisioning this if she is not comfortable with me alone. With the three of us together, she is flirty, sensual, and even sexually aggressive on occasion with me.

So here is the big issue, I think....my wife is a very masculine and we often refer to her as "our boi". She gender bends and with the GF is very masculine and has a masculine role with her. I am mostly feminine with a bit of a dominant streak. I think the issue for our GF is that she is still exploring how to be with women. She says she wants to learn and that I have a lot to teach her. But its kind of hard to do that if she doesn't feel okay being intimate with me alone.

I am trying to be a good partner and be patient and careful. I want her to always feel safe with me. I am also trying not to get too sad or jealous when the wife and GF have their time together and I am alone. Oh yeah...one more issue....I have a very high sex drive and really enjoy sex with both of them. Prior to this new triad...my wife and I had a very active sex life. Now that she is dividing herself a bit....the sex has decreased with me but is ramped up with the GF. They have sexual encounters often when they have time alone...not just the one night a week they get together. Yes we have our little threesomes, but those happen occassionally and honestly not enough for me. Everyone wants to be monogamous at this point....while we let our relationships develop.

Do you guys think I am handling things correctly? Do you have any advice? I want this to work for all of us and I also hope to have my own needs met.

Thanks in advance for any guidance.
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Old 08-29-2012, 01:36 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sounds like you are doing all you can do to proceed in a calm, sane way here. Each leg of the triad cooks along at its own speed. It is not a contest. It is not a judgement thing. It just is.

If they are in an NRE space and being all drunk on the hormone high? Know things eventually settle down from the "new shiny" thing.

Just keep it real, and stay level. They don't sound like they are being rude or disrespectful of you. You are being included in mapping out the "new normal" as you try on various patterns before finding your trio's sweet spot. Speak up if you have needs -- and you sound like you are.

And if you have extra sex need to meet? You know there's always flying solo, right? Nothing wrong with masturbating to take the edge off.

GG
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Old 08-29-2012, 02:58 AM
bingshari bingshari is offline
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Thank You GG. I am definitely trying to be calm and sane, and speak up when I need to. Sometimes its hard because I feel selfish. I am trying to balance and honor the three of us. I definitely do the solo thing....its just that I really want to feel that connection. Right now the two women I desire most only desire me occasionally...but desire each other constantly. NRE sucks when you are the one on the outside. I feel kind of lonely and frustrated at times. But....I will keep it real and stay level as you suggest... you are so very right that we need to find our "sweet spot".

Thanks again for the response!
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Old 08-29-2012, 03:19 AM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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Have you considered asking the girlfriend if she would also be willing to have a designated night every week or two with you like she does with your wife?

Are you able to date around while this is going on? Perhaps you don't really want anything serious, but while you are trying to wait out their NRE steam in might be a nice ego boost to go out dating and flirting and meeting some people.
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Old 08-29-2012, 12:33 PM
bingshari bingshari is offline
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Hi MR. Yes I have. We are very limited on our nights because five nights a week she has her kids and we do the family thing. I will most likely ask for one of those sundays on occassion for just us. But right now....I am kind of feeling things out and seeing if things occur naturally.

Thanks,

Shari
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Old 08-29-2012, 12:33 PM
abjection abjection is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bingshari View Post
...So here are a few things we are working on and I am trying to get my head around...

..Sometimes I still struggle with the fact that the GF and my wife are in NRE and so very intimate with each other...

...I am trying to be a good partner and be patient and careful. I want her to always feel safe with me. I am also trying not to get too sad or jealous when the wife and GF have their time together and I am alone. Oh yeah...one more issue....I have a very high sex drive and really enjoy sex with both of them. Prior to this new triad...my wife and I had a very active sex life. Now that she is dividing herself a bit....the sex has decreased with me but is ramped up with the GF.

...I want this to work for all of us and I also hope to have my own needs met.
I am struggling with a similar situation right now. It is extremely hard to see someone you love, with whom you share an established relationship, caught in the throes of ecstasy of NRE with someone else. My sex life with my primary has changed significantly - things she used to enjoy doing in the bedroom with me are no longer pleasurable to her, but when she sees me, she bears marks on her body that tell me she is very willing to do absolutely anything with her new partner. I am hurt deeply, and telling myself "it's just NRE" only goes so far to heal the pain. I have shared my feelings with my partner, but to no avail. This hurts so bad I am seriously wondering what I am doing investing so much of my heart in this relationship. Judging her personality (I have known her for years), it seems that this will be a pattern that I will be forced to go through with her over and over again. Once the NRE of this latest relationship wears off, she'll probably be in NRE with some new lover by around Christmas.

All I can say is, good luck. This pain doesn't always just go away.
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:50 PM
bingshari bingshari is offline
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Hi Abjection. One of the complications of this is that my wife and I share our GF...though not exactly on the same level. Honestly....I think that is my biggest problem. I wish the GF felt more comfortable with me and could feel the love that I feel for her. She is not capable of being that in love with two people....and I am not the one she has the intensity with. My wife feels that I am sometimes interfering with their NRE...because I struggle when they want time alone. I am trying so hard to change that....but I still feel the hurt.

I am hoping in time the pain will go away and we will find that balance we are seeking.
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