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  #1441  
Old 08-22-2012, 09:07 PM
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When I wrote this morning I was all ready to give up. I explained to Mono that what he is going through right now with his retiring from 21 yerars of service in the Navy is akin to him being in quick sand or jumping into a black hole. His crush on the woman is part of it.

I feel sometimes that I am holding his feet as he continues to plunge head first into his own self sabotage because of his military career ending. Sometimes I hold on and have others helping me by supporting me, sometimes he is working on pulling himself out too and sometimes I am not able to hold on and think I should let him go. This morning I was in the letting him go space.

I asked that Mono just do the bare minimum to keep me from throwing in the towel. All I need is a few words everyday or a touch to let me know that he is still with me. I will fight for what we have created if I know he is with me and not ready to leave all we have created.

There is more at stake than just he and I and I will fight for LB and PN's sake also. We have a good thing going all of us and I am not going to let him destroy it with out a fight. I will continue to tell him that he has a responsibility to us, that he will get through this, we will be here all the way and will be here when he leaves his job. We have not changed and he has us to anchor to.

I talked to PN and Brad about it after and asked that they please be patient with me for the next few monthes. I will need help to hold our family together and they can help by listening to me and letting me go to Mono when its necessary. They both agreed to do that. I haven't talked to Derby yet, but told her to read here hoping that at least it will start that conversation.

I feel very clear right now that this is not about his crush. Its a symptom of a larger issue to me at this point. I don't think I had fully felt that before today when the relationship of our onion was peeled and he said he had to think about more than just that. He said that was a part of it all but not the whole and I got it today. Now I have something to sink my teeth into and work towards. I feel strong again and am going to give him everything I have, ... Because I love him more than ever.
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  #1442  
Old 08-23-2012, 04:27 AM
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Wishing all of you the best as y'all work through this together. What a difference time to cool down and subsequent thought and revelation makes. Good for you Red, for taking advantage of your support system as things progress.
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  #1443  
Old 08-23-2012, 12:53 PM
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Thinking of you both, and believing you can work through it!
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  #1444  
Old 08-23-2012, 04:05 PM
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Thanks to both of you I am sure we can too.

Off to Poly Camp tomorrow. Leaving you with one mod. Be nice to him, LOL. He has my cell to call if anything comes up...

See you monday.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mono, LB, Brad and his wife and boy went to a drive in movie last night. What a fun time. Mono, LB and I wandered around waiting for the movie to start before hand and enjoyed laughing and being together. There was a load off it felt like and we just relaxed. Brad and family meet up with us shortly before the movie started and the boys played a bit together. The adults and kids all sat around for a bit and chatted and joked. We all had a relaxed and fun time. It was very light hearted and just fun. We needed that.

Yesterday I went to pick up the ticket for the movie from Brad's wife's bf. He wasn't able to go to the movie. He was the one that I was so fearful to meet last weekend at the camp site. We talked for a bit and he told me of his child's accident among other things and I told him of my childhood growing up with drive in movies. Movies where we had to bring the aluminum speaker into the car and our hands always got dirty. I remember eating popcorn after with dirty hands. We also had to light mosquito coils and tape screening to the windows after everyone was in. We were in big trouble if anyone had to go to the bathroom, which of course I always did, lol. Fun times.

After a chat for a time about life and other things going on I told him that I had been nervous to meet him due to his relationship with Leo's wife. He listened intently as I told him how I appreciated that he had taken me at face value and had been inviting and inclusive of me in the conversation with their group. He said that the topic of me had been off limits and that he was happy to meet me.

While I appreciate that there has been a cone of silence on the topic I was actually a bit confused. I don't generally go by that option, but in this case appreciated it and understand why it wouldn't be necessary. It would of been gossip anyway rather than informative. Its not really something that needs discussion on their end as I am not dating him and really he is far removed so I can see why.

For me it has been a matter of fear and pain and getting through that... I told him that I had been fearful because there was some pain there still for me and he said he appreciated knowing that. It feels done to me now that I have said that and there is no need to bring it up again.

I am looking forward to spending time with him and his family if I should be invited now without the weight of the past on my shoulders. Slowly it lifts in terms of others, and becomes one solitary weight of not being lifted from them. Yay, communication! I think he liked knowing he did something that made someone else feel comfortable too. Bonus' all around.
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  #1445  
Old 08-29-2012, 03:26 PM
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Back from camp and back to work today. I will wait to write about it though as some stuff is emotionally raw still. Still in the processing stage. All in all a good time.

Met some fun people, learned some stuff about my self in context to the community at large and came home pondering... Yesterday I had a long day of gardening and cleaning up camping equipment. Lots of time to ponder. Now I have a very neat and tidy garden and clean camping equipment.

LB leaves for Toronto today on a flight with my parents. I'm thinking mostly of that. My 9 year old is being a brave big boy who will be smothered by my extended families friends. I gave him all the advice I could think of, packed his bag and away he goes. Does that feeling of missing your arm ever go away as a parent when ones kid is not close and accessible?

Date with Brad tonight. Its been a week of not seeing each other which included a few days of no contact at all. I am so looking forward to catching up.
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  #1446  
Old 08-30-2012, 07:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
LB leaves for Toronto today on a flight with my parents. I'm thinking mostly of that. My 9 year old is being a brave big boy who will be smothered by my extended families friends. I gave him all the advice I could think of, packed his bag and away he goes. Does that feeling of missing your arm ever go away as a parent when ones kid is not close and accessible?
Sounds like fun!! I imagine he'll be enjoying himself, there's lots to do in TO. And no, that feeling never goes away, rofl. I've sent my wee one with family a few times and every single time the house gets quiet and I have to try to find other things to do.
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  #1447  
Old 08-30-2012, 07:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Does that feeling of missing your arm ever go away as a parent when ones kid is not close and accessible?
It lessens each time, but never truly goes away. One adult goes away, people barely notice, one kids goes away and the house gets eerily quite.
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  #1448  
Old 08-30-2012, 11:16 PM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
It lessens each time, but never truly goes away. One adult goes away, people barely notice, one kids goes away and the house gets eerily quite.
Oh my, so true. We are tripping over the quiet around here.... and the lack of things to do for him. No lunches to make, no scheduled dinner, no massive amounts of laundry, no deciding who stays home with the boy, no endless prompts to get out the door for the day.

He has called three times so far in less than 24 hours. This afternoon he called to say he was standing on the glass floor of the CN tower looking down while he ate his piece of cheese pizza. He was so excited each time he called.

Its a trip of a life time to go and do something like that with grand parents. To think it was not that long ago that I was telling my mum that she had better work on her approach and judgment of my lifestyle or she wouldn't see him again. Worth every bit of the work with her for her to take him there and for me to hear his voice so happy and excited on the phone.
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  #1449  
Old 08-30-2012, 11:30 PM
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Had a lovely date night with Brad last night. We have gotten attached at this point and there is really no backing out without a lot of pain. I fear that a little as I watch the last ditch effort to "make sure" fade into the back ground. I'm all in now.

I took a workshop at poly camp on "breaking up." There is no sign of anything ending in my relationships as they are now, but I thought it might help my grieving process and help me understand why I still feel sad about Leo.

What I learned really helped me.

I learned that to break up with someone is to honour them as I did during the high times of our relationship. It should never get to the point where resentment builds that you are with someone. Something that goes on too long breeds distain and resentment.

I learned that to honour someone; that is to love them for who they are regardless of differences, means being truthful when things aren't working to the point of needing the relationship to end. It also means being kind in words and actions without sacrificing what my needs are to reach closure, but to be considerate of the persons feelings without owning them and taking them on. Lastly it means being helpful. If someone has been a shmuck, then they need to know that in the most kind way of saying it as possible. Its an art form to break up with someone and from what I learned it takes time and is a process, just like getting together in the first place. That process doesn't end with goodbye, it can happen, and should happen together if at all possible.

I intend, if ever I break up with someone again, to hold them close, love them with all my heart, listen to them cry and cry with them, allow them to go through the grief process of denial, bargaining, sadness and anger with my being present and available every step of the way. It won't be easy, but I now feel as if I have some confidence to know when to let go and how to do that with the best possible out come.

When my marriage ended with my wife we went through a beautiful process like the one above. I intend to use that as a landmark in the future on what worked for me and hope that I can offer up everything I have learned to any other partner I have in the future.
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  #1450  
Old 09-01-2012, 12:02 AM
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Hey RP I just wanted to let you know that as much as you miss LB he is creating cherished memories. The summer before my last year in high school my grandparents took me, my brother and our two cousins on a grandparents bus trip. We were far older than the other kids, all of us being teenagers and them being about LB's age. But there was no doubt that memories were made. It was a fantastic week of time with family that we hadn't had in a very long time. Teenagers get so lost in teenagerdom that we forget to make memories. That fall my grandfather passed away unexpectedly and we all four said how grateful we were for that trip.

I'm so glad you worked things out with you mother so that LB can have these memories, and so that you can as well.


Alright, back to catching up on all I missed while I was away.
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