Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-29-2012, 06:17 AM
tallOakland tallOakland is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 16
Default Married for a long time, starting to be poly

I have been with my wife for 14 years. This is my third marriage (I'm 51) and I have struggled with monogamy for all of my life. I have cheated at times, but never had any sort of long term affair. I would always feel terribly guilty about cheating. I have spent years in 12-step programs to try and address this as a sexual compulsion (and I do know I'm compulsive about some sexual things).

About 6 months ago I started talking with someone across the country and have fallen in love with her. I have been open about this with my wife. We have not yet met in person. It recently became clear to me that I'm simply a non-monogamous person. I love to be with others, to flirt and play with them, and also to establish loving relationships and connections. When I realized this about myself it was a great relief. I have been very open with my wife about all of this. I have read most of The Ethical Slut, Opening Up, and Sex at Dawn. I really resonated with The Ethical Slut, it's who I am.

My wife has been really trying to accept this. Part of my problem is my across the country lover is also in love with me, but essentially wants me full time, and looking into the future she has a hard time seeing how things can work for her in the long term. My wife seems to be willing to share me on some limited basis, which I would be fine with. My lover and I are supposed to meet soon, and there is much drama (mainly about me being sad at the possibility of losing my lover) which my wife (understandably) not happy about. I really love my wife and don't want to leave her or my family (we have two small girls).

The situation is very difficult right now, one thing I'm very committed to is being very open and honest with everyone concerned. I look forward to talking with the folks here about some of these issues.

Thanks for reading!

Last edited by tallOakland; 08-29-2012 at 05:04 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-29-2012, 02:43 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Central NY
Posts: 33
Default It's hard

I am married as well - my husband brought into our relationship a straight female - i am bi - and was rejected by her.

It is difficult to see your spouse being pleased emotionally intellectually sexually by someone else - it is painful to stand by and often feel like am I not good enough?

But I became accepting of this relationship though it ultimately ended because there was so much drama and too much competition. Perhaps you should give your wife time and sit down with her to see what she is comfortable with?

It is very difficult for a wife who is mono trained to try to live the poly life - as I know from experience.

Good Luck to you friend! I wish you nothing but happiness and love!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-29-2012, 03:00 PM
tallOakland tallOakland is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 16
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by newbie1 View Post
It is difficult to see your spouse being pleased emotionally intellectually sexually by someone else - it is painful to stand by and often feel like am I not good enough?
Thank you so much for this, I have been very open with my wife about everything and every step of the way. I feel a lot of love for her as I do for my lover. And I think that part of the issue is that she does not feel like she's good enough, which is something I really want to try and help her with (if I can), or something that I hope she is able to get over. I have been with her for 14 years and still completely love her.

I also would love her to be with other men sexually. I find this a turn on, and can even imagine her having a regular lover that she feels emotionally connected with.

I don't know where this will end, but I have to say I have been very encouraged by reading just the little that I have on this forum.

Last edited by tallOakland; 08-29-2012 at 05:02 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-29-2012, 03:24 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Central NY
Posts: 33
Default married

Perhaps if you give your wife some additional attention she may come around? Also, have your lover and wife met? Do you think they could be friends? Maybe if the two of them forge a bond or friendship this may put your wives' mind at ease. I know it seems strange - but I am in your wives situation now and only trying to perhaps give you some insight into how she may be feeling.

Good Luck to the 3 of you. I hope that you can find balance with your wife and lover.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-29-2012, 04:18 PM
tallOakland tallOakland is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 16
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by newbie1 View Post
Perhaps if you give your wife some additional attention she may come around? Also, have your lover and wife met? Do you think they could be friends? Maybe if the two of them forge a bond or friendship this may put your wives' mind at ease. I know it seems strange - but I am in your wives situation now and only trying to perhaps give you some insight into how she may be feeling.

Good Luck to the 3 of you. I hope that you can find balance with your wife and lover.
I have been giving her more attention, part of the problem is the uncertainty on the part of my lover which is hard for me, and of course I get depressed and this is hard for my wife to watch. I would like them to become friends, but it seems difficult for that to happen. It's likely we will meet in the next month or so, but at a location that's remote, so it's hard to see my wife and lover meeting.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-29-2012, 04:22 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Central NY
Posts: 33
Default Natural

It sounds like you have a lot of pressure on you - being more or less in the middle of this triangle. I do hope that you can make this work - and I feel it is extremely important that both women get along at some point - this would make it a lot easier for you as well as them. This way you are not caught in the middle of any jealousy, insecurity etc all the time.

Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-29-2012, 04:59 PM
tallOakland tallOakland is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 16
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by newbie1 View Post
It sounds like you have a lot of pressure on you - being more or less in the middle of this triangle. I do hope that you can make this work - and I feel it is extremely important that both women get along at some point - this would make it a lot easier for you as well as them. This way you are not caught in the middle of any jealousy, insecurity etc all the time.

Yes, I just spoke with my wife about the idea of meeting. It turns out that my lover will be in town next week, but we will probably not meet as we want to be able to have privacy and take our time for the first meeting. But I had the crazy idea that maybe she and I and my wife could have lunch. But I think it's much too soon for that (since my lover and I have not yet met). I expect in the future they will meet, and I think they would like each other. It's hard to imagine me being in love with and so attracted to two different women who would would not have things in common and like each other.

My wife is surprisingly calm about all of this and feeling OK, but it changes for her, some days are good and some are bad. I keep encouraging her to talk with me, especially during the bad times.

I really want this all to work out for all of us over time, and I don't know what the right answer is, but I trust that if we are all open and keep talking and thinking about things that we will find the right answer over time.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-29-2012, 05:11 PM
MusicalRose's Avatar
MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Central Ohio
Posts: 299
Default

Perhaps this has already been answered, but have you made it clear to your lover that you have no intention of leaving your wife? Have you discussed the idea of polyamory with her?

One thing I have noticed seems to happen more often than not is that sometimes the outside person doesn't take the notion of polyamory seriously, and will continue to try to get you to "realize they are your soul mate" or leave your current partner if they just show you eventually that they can make you happier. In a mono-standard world, this is often what people assume is the norm when cheating is going on or when you desire someone other than your partner. The assumption is that your partner isn't "the one" so you are looking for "the one" even if you don't realize it yet.

Your lover may be in a situation where she simply doesn't accept that you still love your wife, and thinks that it is just a matter of time until you realize you really don't love your wife like you do her. This kind of situation can lead to a lot of hurt, and I would advise you to proceed with caution with your lover if she keeps making statements that indicate she wants you all to herself. If you stay with her, even if you are clear and up front with her, you may be leading her on because her paradigm doesn't allow for love for more than one person and she is under the assumption she just has to wait you out.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-29-2012, 05:19 PM
tallOakland tallOakland is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 16
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicalRose View Post
Perhaps this has already been answered, but have you made it clear to your lover that you have no intention of leaving your wife? Have you discussed the idea of polyamory with her?

One thing I have noticed seems to happen more often than not is that sometimes the outside person doesn't take the notion of polyamory seriously, and will continue to try to get you to "realize they are your soul mate" or leave your current partner if they just show you eventually that they can make you happier. In a mono-standard world, this is often what people assume is the norm when cheating is going on or when you desire someone other than your partner. The assumption is that your partner isn't "the one" so you are looking for "the one" even if you don't realize it yet.

Your lover may be in a situation where she simply doesn't accept that you still love your wife, and thinks that it is just a matter of time until you realize you really don't love your wife like you do her. This kind of situation can lead to a lot of hurt, and I would advise you to proceed with caution with your lover if she keeps making statements that indicate she wants you all to herself. If you stay with her, even if you are clear and up front with her, you may be leading her on because her paradigm doesn't allow for love for more than one person and she is under the assumption she just has to wait you out.
I have extensively discussed polyamory with both my wife and lover. It's very clear I'm poly (I have some very very small idea of what it must feel like for a gay peson to come out) and I think both people accept that. I believe strongly that my wife will work with me so that I can have other loving relationships, so long as it improves the quality of the relationship with my wife and I (which I think has already happened somewhat -- I'm no longer hiding things from her, nor spending so much time doing things that are not productive).

I have been very clear from the beginning with my lover that I love my wife and never want to leave her, and also my lover is a bit stuck because even if I did leave her, she could not bear the thought of her breaking up my family. So my lover feels very stuck now and it's hard and frustrating for her. We have tried to split up in a number of occasions, mainly because in the past I thought I had to be monogamous. However we would always get back in contact.

I really think there is some outcome that can lead to happiness for all of us (and I'm not sure exactly at this point what it might be), and that by thinking too far into the future without going one step at a time leads to all kinds of suffering. I'm actually feeling much better about things today as I have been very clear with both my wife and lover that I love them both terribly and don't want to lose either of them. This fact has not upset my wife, she is having a good day in accepting who I am and my feelings (sometimes there are bad days).

Reading the information in this forum is so supportive to me, seeing that there are so many people with so many different kinds of relationships has opened my eyes quite a bit.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-29-2012, 09:17 PM
Skye Skye is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 19
Default

Just trying to throw some "what ifs" out there, so I am just prefacing my post by letting you know I am not trying to be intentionally negative.

You have never met your online love. What if you meet and the chemistry in person isn't what it is online? Can I ask if meeting someone online was intentional, or was it a chance meeting - like you were playing online games together and got to talking? If it was intentional, is there a reason you chose to talk to someone that lives so far away?

Also, if things are as great in person as they are online, what are you going to do about it in the long term? Does she want to move here? Do you and your wife want to move there?

Sometimes it is hard to see past the NRE into the realities of the future. It sounds like your wife is more supportive of you being poly than your girlfriend is. I am assuming you didn't meet her in a poly fashion....?

I completely agree with Musical that your women becoming friends can make things MUCH easier. Maybe your wife can also speak to her online before you meet in person?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:12 PM.