Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-29-2012, 07:21 AM
Skye Skye is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 19
Default Can a mono/poly relationship work?

I am in a quad with my husband and our two best (married M/F) friends. We are all very firmly poly and love and respect each other, and we consider ourselves family. We have an agreement that we can have outside partners as long as they are okayed by all members of the quad.

Recently, one of my good friends got divorced. I have always had an attraction to him that was emotional. He knows about our quad and is very supportive of it. He and I have talked about exploring a relationship with each other but he is pretty firmly monogamous. We have talked in depth about what this means, jealousy issues that may arise, and the fact that somewhere down the road our relationship may have to end if he finds someone to be mono with.

Is there any way this can actually work? He is my friend first and foremost. He is friends with the other members of my quad and he claims he oddly (his words) feels no jealousy. He says the only thing he has a problem with is knowing he can never be mono with me. I know he could be one of the great loves of my life, and vice versa, but I am not sure if I am just setting myself, and him, up for heartache. I have told him I would rather experience loving him than not, despite the heartbreak that could ensue.

Right now he is unsure of any kind of relationship as he is still healing from his divorce. We have put our entire friendship and relationship on hold for a bit so he can heal more and work on himself. I respect his decision and I know it is definitely not about me, that it is about him needing to focus on himself and I am just hindering that at the moment. I have no doubt that he will remain in my life, at least as friends, as we have a very strong emotional connection. I just want to work on some of my own issues surrounding this while he works on his.

Any thoughts? I am assuming most people will tell me to run the other way from this....
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-29-2012, 07:54 AM
tallOakland tallOakland is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 16
Default

I have no good advice for you as I have a (sort of) similar problem. I have been involved long distance with someone who is just going through a divorce, but has fallen for me pretty hard (as I have fallen for her). I'm married and my wife is aware of everything and is starting to be supportive of me having another lover in my life.

But she understandably has reservations about this particular person, whom she feels threatened by, and my lover seems to want me exclusively. We have not actually met in person, but will likely very soon.

I guess what I'm writing is a little applicable in that I have been taking the attitude of just keep going and deal with the issues and problems later. And now there is a possibility that it will end with the lover and it hurts terribly. So there is a downside of just going for it and dealing with it later.

I realize my post does little to address your issue or help you, and am sorry for this. I saw we are both from the bay area, so I thought it would be nice to respond.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-29-2012, 12:21 PM
abjection abjection is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 6
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skye View Post
I have always had an attraction to him that was emotional. He knows about our quad and is very supportive of it. He and I have talked about exploring a relationship with each other but he is pretty firmly monogamous.
You say he is "supportive" of your quad, but he is firmly monogamous and still talks about exploring a relationship with you? That sure doesn't sound supportive of your quad to me.

To me it sounds like you are crushing hard on this guy because he is suddenly emotionally available and probably sending a lot of emotional mixed messages your way. YOU need to decide though - which is more important to you in the long run, your established relationship or this new crush?

It does not sound to me like the two of these choices are compatible with one another. More like an either/or. And no one can make this decision for you.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-29-2012, 12:50 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 284
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by abjection View Post
You say he is "supportive" of your quad, but he is firmly monogamous and still talks about exploring a relationship with you? That sure doesn't sound supportive of your quad to me.

To me it sounds like you are crushing hard on this guy because he is suddenly emotionally available and probably sending a lot of emotional mixed messages your way. YOU need to decide though - which is more important to you in the long run, your established relationship or this new crush?

It does not sound to me like the two of these choices are compatible with one another. More like an either/or. And no one can make this decision for you.
Why is it impossible for him to be supportive of her current relationship status and also want to date her? Clearly she's not exclusive, so his interest in her isn't taboo.

I'm very supportive of my prospective girlfriend's marriage. I still want to date her. Granted, I'm not mono, but it sounds to me like this guy is willing to consider being a part of her life despite his mono tendencies.

Skye: Proceed with caution. There's a good chance this will fail and you'll lose a friend and a very slim chance he'll either come around to poly or stay with you for more than the short term. Mono/Poly can work (there are lots of people who do it), but it's VERY difficult, especially if the Mono isn't your primary partner.
__________________
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-29-2012, 01:15 PM
abjection abjection is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 6
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
Why is it impossible for him to be supportive of her current relationship status and also want to date her? Clearly she's not exclusive, so his interest in her isn't taboo.

Because he said he is completely monogamous, so it is fair to presume that if he is interested in dating her, he is either a) not serious about being monogamous? or b) wants her to split up from her quad.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-29-2012, 01:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,837
Default

Quote:
I know he could be one of the great loves of my life, and vice versa, but I am not sure if I am just setting myself, and him, up for heartache. I have told him I would rather experience loving him than not, despite the heartbreak that could ensue.
That sounds kinda selfish to me. I apologize if that is Hard to Hear.

He is your friend. He's newly divorced. He ultimately wants monogamy. So why are you even going there and adding to his burden? You don't mess with fragile people. They don't think clear/right. Even if they say they are.

If you are not sure if you are setting him up for heartache? BACK OFF. Then you KNOW you are not setting him up for heartbreak! Be a friend first.

A rebound relationship with you could hinder his goal of a serious monogamous relationship in future. It can also cause him great strain. Esp if he's monowired and could be dealing with poly weird jealousies and strain by getting involved with you. He's never been in a polyship. This is NOT the best time to go off exploring that ethically.

What is best for him is the continued support of 4 friends through this transitional phase of his life and minimal drama. Don't rob him of this.

If he's your friend, don't put him in this spot to begin with. He can find his warm body rebound person elsewhere less complex. I totally get the need for the warm body thing post break up. But YOU don't need to be that friends-with-benefits person. Keep it in the friend bucket despite your crush. And be supportive through his divorce settling in thing as a friend. A good friend would not put you in mental/emotional weird.

Just because you crush on someone doesn't mean you have to let them know about it.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-29-2012 at 01:29 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-29-2012, 01:56 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 752
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by abjection View Post
Because he said he is completely monogamous, so it is fair to presume that if he is interested in dating her, he is either a) not serious about being monogamous? or b) wants her to split up from her quad.
I am firmly monogamous, but I am in a Poly relationship. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive. My desire to love only one person does not mean that I'm going to make my Partner do the same.

That said, would I be more comfortable in a Mono relationship? Sure. Being in a Poly relationship is a LOT of work for me, but my relationship with my partner is worth it.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-29-2012, 02:06 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 752
Default To the OP...

And to the OP, be careful. I'm Mono. I knew full well that I was going into a Poly relationship, and I went through some VERY hard times regardless.

Being monogamous, I am NOT going to have another partner to fill the time when my partner is away. In my relationship, we don't really have a hierarchy of sorts - his OSO and I are at the same "Primary" level, if we want to put a term to it. If he's not going to have a relationship with you that is anything more than part-time, and he's Mono, he may eventually have a big issue with that as the relationship develops and he gets closer to you, since the Mono tendency is to spend MORE time with a partner as the relationship gets closer. If there's no more time to be had, it can feel like a barrier is in the way of creating something long-term, and if he has nobody else, it can feel very unfair.

His mileage may vary, of course... Coming out of a divorce is never easy. In my case, I discovered some codependency issues that made all the above much worse to slog through and figure out what the heck my problem was. He may need you more as a friend for a while, so he can get back on his feet, emotionally, and find strength in himself before looking at another relationship.

Hope this helps!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-29-2012, 02:14 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

I have a monogamous bf that now lives with me (MonoVCPG). My blog is filled with our ups and downs. We have written a lot here on the topic in the last four years, as have others. Try doing a search for "mono/poly" and you will have a lot of information to read.

On the whole its working great for us in our relationship. Adding new partners after the existing ones he knew when he came into my life was a struggle. Casual relationships of a sexual nature has been a struggle too. Its a whole different ball game and if you don't love it, it won't work out. If you are ready to compromise for a good long time, it could. By compromise, I mean sacrifice what your nature is. It took us years to find boundaries and agree to certain things... With poly partners it took months. If you are willing to put that work in you could make it work.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-29-2012, 02:38 PM
Skye Skye is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 19
Default

I guess I should be more specific here...

He is supportive of my quad, meaning he is friends with all of us, but is friends with me the most. We have been friends for 4 years. My quad is unbelievably supportive of this relationship taking place. They know how much we connect, they all know I have a stronger connection with him emotionally than I have with the 3 of them, and all 3 of them are okay with this. Of course, small jealousies do occur, but we talk A LOT, all the time, about feelings. My friend and I have also talked A LOT about things, which is why he is taking some time to work on his own issues. I have flat out told him I can never be the center of his world as I am the center of no one's world. He understands this, and at least for now he is fine with it because he has other things to take care of, he has kids and a job that takes a lot of his time. My friend and I have talked many times about the quad and what it would mean for him and how he would feel. He never minds hearing about what is going on between us and has actually been helping me with connection issues I had been having between myself and my "boyfriend" of the quad.

The heartbreak factor, I meant MY heartbreak, not his, although I know both can happen. We have talked a lot about transitioning if the time came to go from being lovers back to friends again. It would be a huge lesson in compersion, but he is my friend, I would be happy for him to find happiness. I do not see our relationship ending by my hand, it would likely be because he found someone else.

We have already gotten very close emotionally which has led to some physicality, although not intercourse, thankfully. He has been the instigator in the situation and I have stopped things from going too far both times. Both times he has had second thoughts afterwards because he had thought he was ready and hadn't been. I have told him I wanted to go slowly and just strengthen our friendship, but it has been so hard because we literally have this magnetic pull to each other. It is something I have only experienced once before in my life. Because he doesn't want either of us to get hurt, he made the decision to take some time away from me. While it's difficult, I am in complete support of it because he is my friend and I want to see him be strong. He was in a very long term marriage with kids and hasn't really known any other relationship outside of his ex wife. His ex wife is an acquaintance of mine and I have to see her occasionally because of our kids.

Just for reference purposes, my husband and I have been married for 17 years and we have been in a quad for over 2 years. We have 3 kids between our quad.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:56 PM.