newbie to this...... scared to death

[katurah]

Hi im in the need of tons of advice. Im in a triad and all of us kind of fell into the poly lifestyle. my other counterparts are married to one another. they have been together for 20 years. ive been with the husband for 8 months and the wife for less than 2 weeks. lets just say its complicated. they have 3 children and i have one from a previous marriage. Their kids are slowly coming around but its gonna take a lot of work plus the wife is pressuring me into moving in because she doesnt like for me and the husband to have alonetime because he has confessed that he loves me more than her. Tho it is a honest statemebt it is also hurtful and i understand why she is jealous and paranoid. i just dont know what to do. i need help. should i leave so that their 20 yr realationship be repaired. i really do love this man abd the kids and i really like the wife and come to love her as well....so confused

[ImaginaryIllusion]

There are ways of finding a middle ground...but I'd recommend not being in a rush. It sounds like things are very fresh, and it'll take some time to figure out how the dynamic needs to evolve.

[Derbylicious]

I wouldn't walk away from these relationships just yet but I wouldn't move in yet either. Things are a little unsettled right now but I don't think that it's anything that can't be worked through. Chances are the husband thinks that he loves you more, but there's still that new spark between the two of you that can be interpreted as more love when really it's just the excitement of NRE. You moving in wouldn't help that what it would do would put it up front and center in the wife's face on a daily basis which wouldn't make it any easier for her to deal with.

Personally I think it's cruel to tell someone you love someone else more than them. After all there are ebbs and flows to every relationship. There are going to be times when you love one partner more than another and then times when it switches around. Saying it outloud though gives it a permanace in the recipient's mind and what gets heard is "you're not as good as this other person". Unfortunately what has been said can't be unsaid. I think the husband would be wise to put in some serious time trying to make it up to the wife though.

[Anneintherain]

I certainly would not move in, if she is not OK with him spending alone time together with you now, she wont be when you are living together. Unless you want a future where you are not "allowed" to spend time alone with a partner I wouldn't move in until everybody is comfortable with each of you spending time alone with each other. Even if that is a couple of years off, I would wait. It sounds like they have some stuff to work out. It also doesn't sound like a fun situation to move into.

I think the husband did a disservice to everybody with saying he loved you more than her - he was a jerk to tell you that, he was a jerk to tell her that - in fact if anybody who was already partnered in a primary type relationship told me they loved me more than their primary partner, I would probably break up with them, as that is insensitive on many levels, and cruel. Maybe its meant to make you feel special, but anything that makes another partner feel lesser is not OK in my book.

edit: I guess I could've just said "What Derbylicious said!"

[dingedheart]

Maybe concentrate your time and efforts on the wife's side of the triad. Build that relationship. Get a really good foundation of it's own before moving in.



I agree the husband may have done a disservice but what about radical honesty, brutal honesty. If that how he truly feels wouldnt a primary want to know that. And isn't that better than the disconnect between words and actions. If they had an agreement of complete and total honesty and she asked the question whats the right thing to do?

[Derbylicious]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

I agree the husband may have done a disservice but what about radical honesty, brutal honesty. If that how he truly feels wouldnt a primary want to know that. And isn't that better than the disconnect between words and actions. If they had an agreement of complete and total honesty and she asked the question whats the right thing to do?

If you've moved out of NRE and still feel that you love one partner more than the other on a consistent basis then maybe it's the right time to have a conversation about a change in structure or role for all involved. But after 8 months? Too soon and likely not a true reflection of what real emotion is going on once things with the new partner have settled into a more established relationship.

[MzWiz]

I believe love to be infinite, that within each of us is a "pool" of sorts, a never ending supply.... And that there are more kinds of love than we can possibly imagine, yet it all comes from this source within us, from this infinite "pool"

Yes, sounds like NRE to me
Yes, seems like there may be a few insecurities to deal with

I'm wondering if there's some way to make her your ally.....
NRE can be like a drug, flooding our systems with hormones and chemicals, giving us a "high", can last days/weeks/months.. upto 2 years some say....
Regardless if it is or isn't, if this is the life style you have chosen, they have chosen, together, you can find a middle ground

Her, I'd talk with, one-on-one, about love
With great patience, listening more than speaking, I'd look to uncover the "why", help examine if it makes sense, play devils advocate and turn it around to see things from a different perspective....
After all, if you're going to live together long term, she's now part of you too, so whatever is within her, her views/ideas/beliefs, will "be" and you'll have to learn about each other, learn how to help each other...
If it were me, if this relationship is to be, based on my own definition of poly, then it's to be love centered, caring, nurturing, grow oriented... how can we, together, find happiness within this?
Personally, I find his comparative of "more" a little insulting, not only to her but to you too... Does this mean that once you're "grounded" together, he'll get distracted and find another? You and her can help avoid this possibility, I mean you don't want to find yourself in her shoes on day, do you? And as you to sort this out, call hm into the conversation (these conversations tend to be on-going) and see how he feels about it. Does it feel like the rush of NRE to him?

And I agree, too soon to move in
I've read many articles/advice on finances/keeping your independence to a certain extent and I strongly recommend you read-up as well
When the time is right to live as three, it will be the most natural decision you all take, but if there's uncomfortableness now and you relinquish your place, where will you go for "you" time, where will be your safe zone that's yours?

Love is all around us, if we're willing to perceive it
And time is relative...
Go slow.... Be sure footed..... And breath
Nothing has to be decided immediately and you have each other to consider
Talk... center your inner self on love and share of yourself inside.... especially with her.... (don't give her ammo to hurt you, but be honest).... and help her figure out where her fears/worries come from.... You'll both grow as result :-)

[GalaGirl]

Im in a triad and all of us kind of fell into the poly lifestyle.

What does THAT mean? Given your headline of "newbie and scared to death" why are you going places that terrify you?

the wife is pressuring me into moving in because she doesn't like for me and the husband to have alone time because he has confessed that he loves me more than her. Tho it is a honest statement it is also hurtful and i understand why she is jealous and paranoid

Red flag. DO NOT MOVE IN. Maintain your own home.

You do not want to move in and uproot your child and thrust yourself in a situation where there's an upset jealous paranoid person hovering. You think you don't get alone time now? What happens if you share home space? Is SHE in this of her own volition? Is he pitting you against each other?

You have only been with the guy 8 mos. Why be with the wife at all? Esp if she's all UGH sounding on it? Poly configurations come in all shapes -- it's not like you HAVE to be dating the wife.

I would have a serious think first. Then a serious talk with your polypeeps about the goal of this polyship and if all people are truly on board and present of their own desire/volition. Have you met in trio where all are free to speak their truth?

You can date them if you want as much as you want from your OWN home.

Don't get sucked into the middle of their relationship weird, but understand your polyship's polymath. If one mini relationship inside the greater polyship is broken, the ripple effect will be felt.

So move with caution and def so not move in with them.

Your kid does not need drama. You do not either. This sounds fishy to me.

GG