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  #71  
Old 08-28-2012, 05:50 PM
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I am sorry to hear about the break up of your marriage, even if it is for the best. I hope that he gives you a quick and painless divorce, especially for the sake of your children. Good luck with the dating.
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  #72  
Old 08-28-2012, 06:54 PM
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Allow me to echo everyone in saying both "I'm sorry" for the pain you've gone through, and also "Congratulations" on the healthy attitude you've cultivated. Best of luck!!
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  #73  
Old 09-25-2012, 05:50 PM
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I guess I was wrong about shutting down my blog. Copying something I posted elsewhere today to help explain why I am back.

"I have been telling myself the past two months - no poly, never again. But then I'll start thinking in the frame of mind I've been used to this past year, and go hmm. Especially since all I want for a relationship right now is a committed lack of committment, heh. I don't want something that will necessarily progress towards cohabitation/marriage. Honestly, I want a FWB. But I want a "real" FWB... not just someone who uses me as a booty call, I want the full out friendship, having someone that can be a +1 to go to dinner or the movies, and someone I sleep with, but not something I have to live with or merge lives with, since that isn't remotely possible for me right now. I want someone who would understand that if I say "I love you" that is all it means - it doesn't mean "I love you so we must merge households and marry and live together forever". And I am wondering if I am more likely to find a lover-friend thru poly channels than looking at monogamous folks because most men I talk to seem to either want the white picket fence, or a f-buddy/booty call."


So... undecided on poly. I don't want to let me knee-jerk reaction to my ex's infidelity to cut me off from a way off life that seems to fit me more and more as I grow older. I remind myself that I am just as much at risk for being cheated on in monogamy as in polyamory.

Whether I do end up staying polyamorous or I decide to just focus on one relationship, the fact remains that what I want right now is just a lover-friend, as I'd been posting about on my blog before my marriage blew up all to hell.
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  #74  
Old 09-26-2012, 12:43 PM
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So last week, I had three first dates scheduled with guys off an online dating site.

Date #1 was dinner on Weds with C. I don't have nicknames made up yet, we'll see if they are needed. I thought it went very well. I openly admit I already had a huge e-crush on him from his profile and the emails we had exchanged. We had talked once on the phone to firm up plans, and conversation flowed smoothly. The dinner went well. Conversation was constant, I enjoyed myself immensely. Tried putting out the "dude, go for it, kiss the girl" vibe and realize I am probably not very good at it. Mildly put off because I got the "I am not looking for a dating relationship right now", but I am hopeful if we continue to hit it off, perhaps we could become lover-friends. As per my prior post, I am not really looking for a traditional coupled relationship. I am looking for friendship, intimacy, honesty. So, we shall see.

Date #2 didn't happen! Was supposed to be coffee Saturday mid-morning, but the guy never showed, and didn't answer his cell. I have nicknamed him Mr. Cling, though there won't be any follow up posts. He already had two strikes against him. His young child is in his profile pic, which just squicks me out. No offense meant to anyone who does so but as a parent myself I can't fathom having a photo with my kid on a dating site. Strike two (and what earned the nickname from myself and a couple friends) was how if I didn't immediately reply on an email (like without a couple hours even) I'd get a follow up email. I'm a pretty busy person, working full time and being a single mom. I shoot for replying within 24 hours but it doesn't always happen. So the not calling and not showing up was strike 3. Strike 4 was him calling me 90 mins after the fact, three times in 10 minutes, and then emailing to explain that he had an awful morning etc etc and he was on his way but I probably wouldn't be there when he arrived. Uh... no kidding. On the voicemail I left him I told him I was leaving the coffee shop.

Date #3 was lunch on Saturday with A. It went well. Conversation flowed smoothly, he's attractive enough though I don't get the tinglies I get from being around C. I am mildly put off my one thing in his profile, which was an answer to a question (on a site that has tons of "questions" you can answer to help "match" you) which was about cheating. He answered that he cheated once, but it was long ago, a huge mistake, would never do it again. Seeing as how infidelity just broke up my marriage, I am hesitant to pursue anything with an admitted cheater. Now to be fair, maybe it was something stupid in high school, which I could perhaps look past. But I know myself well enough to know I am already having enough trouble trusting people I already know, let alone new folks, that I would probably be waiting for the other shoe to fall. It is possible a lover-friends style relationship might work, but I am leaning towards friendship. We'll see.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on the concept of love - both the emotion as well as physical intimacy - not having to "mean" anything more. I want to be in a position where I can tell a lover "I love you" without them freaking out thinking it means anything more than a simple expression of feeling. When I was dating Marty earlier this year, I was terrified to tell him I loved him, because I knew he would take it as a loaded phrase and freak out. It makes me sad that by default we have so many expectations tied to those three simple words. This is probably the best lesson I have learned from my forays into poly - you can love, and it doesn't have to "lead" to anything else except more love.

On the physical intimacy side... I have always told myself I was one of those girls who had to be in love deeply before sleeping with someone. In truth, that was only perhaps true with my first. My subsequent partners, I tend to have sex first, then say "I am in love", when really it's just the heightened emotions from having a ton of sex after a dry spell. It's not a healthy way to live. It has lead me into some unhealthy relationships founded moreso on chemistry in bed than on commonalities out of bed. I am hoping that with my search to find a lover-friend or two, I am able to just let love grow if and when it does, and simultaneously not be held back from enjoying physical things by this "I must be in love" mindset - but also not decide "I am in love" because of having sex with someone.
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  #75  
Old 10-01-2012, 02:11 PM
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Not much to report. C has been hard to pin down. Which is okay, except, I want to have another date to gauge interest - both mine and his - and then broach the idea of a non-partnered dating/sexual relationship.

A has basically poofed - which is okay by me, since I had reservations.

It's been interesting to me that my poly/poly-friendly friends are all "Yeah, get back in the dating pool! Have fun! Get laid!" and variations thereof. My monogamous friends are all "You must wait 1-3 yrs, you must heal, you aren't ready to date, just be by yourself and enjoy it".

Except of course, one of my friends who is a lovely blend - "Yeah, date, have sex, have fun, and then go home and have your space to enjoy by yourself". No wonder she and I get along so well.
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  #76  
Old 10-08-2012, 05:32 PM
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So, C has basically blown me off. I figure that's his loss.

Marty randomly popped back into my life. I'm enjoying the ego boost of the flirtation, even though I know it won't go anywhere.

I have another first date this week, with G. I'm pretty stoked about it and planning my outfit.

I finally feel like I'm getting my groove back and it feels good!
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  #77  
Old 10-17-2012, 02:37 PM
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First date with G got postponed to today. I'm cautiously excited and hope to gain a friend if nothing else. We are grabbing coffee after work. I'm taking it as yet another sign that my upcoming move (I'm moving from the city I live in to the town I work in about an hour away - will take me from a 70 min commute to a 7 min commute) that he lives nearby the town I work in, about 35 mins away. We're meeting halfway at a little cafe in an even smaller town to grab a cup of coffee and chat. Since I am going directly from work, not too much prep. I packed a spare shirt (my shirts tend to get dirty at work) that is pretty and flattering, some earrings to match, and my make up bag for a quick touch up.

I was starting to feel pretty meh about G since he was flaky about rescheduling until the last minute, but when he did touch base to firm up plans yesterday, he was prepared with a venue to suggest, a time, etc, so that earned him back a couple points.

C has, amusingly, popped back in and asked me out. My conjecture is he had someone else he was interested in and he wanted to see how that played out. I've agreed to a coffee Sunday morning. Pretty sure I don't want a relationship with him, but I can always use more friends.

Another guy I haven't mentioned here yet, Z, who I have been corresponding with a couple weeks, asked me out for tomorrow night. I don't think I can go on account of child care, but I suggested a Saturday afternoon coffee instead. He's a bit younger than me which makes me nervous (not that much younger but the whole - different ages, different stages) thing, but I admit, it's nice to feel pursued and that he asked me first.

Still casually chatting with/randomly flirting with Marty. In my oh so subtle (read: blunt as a.. uh... really blunt thing) way, I told him I'd be game for resuming our more intimate activities, and he should let me know when he was free. I'm firmly putting the ball in his court this time. Last time around, it was all on me to handle all scheduling, and half the time I got turned down, so... not going there again. Enjoying picking up the friendship if nothing else.

I am highly entertained because I had basically decided to give up dating, and now I have four guys circling around. Is there some vibe you put off when you don't want to date that suddenly makes people interested? It's sure a nice confidence boost!
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  #78  
Old 10-19-2012, 02:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenMom View Post
Still casually chatting with/randomly flirting with Marty. In my oh so subtle (read: blunt as a.. uh... really blunt thing) way, I told him I'd be game for resuming our more intimate activities, and he should let me know when he was free. I'm firmly putting the ball in his court this time. Last time around, it was all on me to handle all scheduling, and half the time I got turned down, so... not going there again.
Good for you. I like your new attitude: No more wishy-washy! Ya wanna be with me, pursue me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenMom View Post
Is there some vibe you put off when you don't want to date that suddenly makes people interested?
Yeah, I think so. It probably has to do with being relaxed,not angling, hopeful, or desperate... and lots of guys like the challenge of chasing after the ones who don't seem so readily available. When we're giving off a vibe like, "Me, me, pick me!" it's just too easy. LOL.

Sounds like you're having fun. Happy for you!
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 05:51 AM.
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  #79  
Old 10-20-2012, 11:57 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Thanks, nycindie.

So, I have had some folks telling me I am not following the "rules" for dating, since I ask men out. Hm.

I'm also frustrated at how easy it is for people to apparently say one thing and mean another.

Had my first date with G on Weds. I thought it went great; I am really into him. He's energetic, vivacious, very attractive. Because I am me and it's how I work, I asked if he'd like to do something over the weekend. He said yes, pending schedule/child care (he's a single parent too), and that he'd get back to me the next day.

Well... he didn't. So I emailed him. I was told sorry, no sitter, maybe we can do something next Weds.

I am told this shows he's not interested in me. I'm not quite willing to write him off yet, since I get the single parent thing. But I'm also not willing to go into another thing like what I had with Marty where it was like pulling teeth to get him to do things with me.

By contrast, had my first date with Z today. He is the first first date I've gone on, incidentally, where he asked me out, rather than me asking him out. We connected well, I am attracted, but I am a little hesitant because I know he wants a Big Committed Relationship and I want to go super slow and be as casual (but honest) as possible. I can't jump into anything too huge too fast, I have kids to consider. He asked me out a second time at the end of the first date, so I know he's into me. He's reasonably attractive, we have a ton in common, I had a good time. So I'll go on the second date and see how things go.
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  #80  
Old 10-21-2012, 12:22 AM
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Ugh, pay no mind to those people who say that women shouldn't ask men out (I've been doing it for 30+ years and have never been struck by lightning because of it), nor the ones who say he isn't interested because he wants to wait a week for whatever reason. Those are mono-oriented people, I assume? They are thinking that these things are what you should do to nab a One and Only Lifelong Partner for yourself. People like that, who perhaps get their relationship advice from magazine quizzes and self-help books, just don't know how to think out of the box. They are the ones who are always looking for the right formula and strategizing about things like how many days one should wait to call somebody, and so on -- they drive me nuts!!! I mean, if you aren't sure whether a guy is interested, you can just ask him, or say, "You can let me know if you're really not interested and I'll stop calling." No, you shouldn't have to pull teeth to get a date, but you don't have to live by "The Rules" and formulas, either! I was recently told by a friend that I should stop going out with guys who are broke, because a woman should never have to pay for her own dinner. I said, "But why should I deny myself the pleasure of a really great guy's company just because he has no money?" Her answer: "It's just not right." Bleeccchhh!
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-21-2012 at 12:26 AM.
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