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  #31  
Old 08-28-2012, 04:02 AM
OmahaPoly OmahaPoly is offline
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So we spoke tonight, and I explained where I was coming from and what I need for us to move forward. She told me it was nothing more than another attempt to control her, and refused.

Sorry, I wish I had a happier update.
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  #32  
Old 08-28-2012, 04:26 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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*hug*

She is not well. Try not to listen too much to the words. I do not know if this helps you, but my dad has mental health probs of Alzheimer. He can rage and say the UGLIEST things. In caregiver support group we are taught not to listen to the words themselves, but the feelings BEHIND the words. So when he's raging about whatever -- we ignore the accusations and off the wall talk. We try to remember it's the disease talking, not him, and the him that is still in there somewhere? Is hurting and unable to articulate better.

Keep doing the right thing to help her mental health while protecting not just her but the REST of you. Safety first.

Hang in there. I know it isn't easy.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-28-2012 at 12:50 PM.
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  #33  
Old 08-28-2012, 12:11 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OmahaPoly View Post
So we spoke tonight, and I explained where I was coming from and what I need for us to move forward. She told me it was nothing more than another attempt to control her, and refused.

Sorry, I wish I had a happier update.
You know what's going on now. You know what her limits are. That's a good thing. Now it's up to you to decide what your priorities are. Keep it that simple, because it is that simple.


There are some very important things you need to remember. Her experience was an extreme trauma. You did not experience it. She did. That means you do not know what her experience was like for her. You never will. She had to make some adjustments to her inner world to be able to continue to function. She is the only person who had her particular experience. This means she is the only person who truly understands how important those inner adjustments are to her ability to continue to function.


Those inner adjustments are the top priority to her. She will change them when she needs to, to serve her needs. Not yours. This is the reality. Your needs are not as important to her as her inner adjustments. Most of her energy goes to maintaining those inner adjustments. You only get whatever is left of her energy. That is why she is not capable of being a genuine partner to you right now. That's why I say to you it is time for you to accept the fact that this is who she is, and decide FOR YOURSELF what you want to do FOR YOURSELF and how YOU want to LIVE based on this REALITY.


If you are not able to understand and accept this right now, that tells me there is only one thing that will convince you - eventually. That "thing" is the drama that will continue to play out between the two of you, as long as you continue to demand things from her she cannot give you - regardless of how reasonable you think those things are. That drama will cause pain. There WILL be a time when you say "ok enough". Is that time right now, or do you need more drama? This is a sincere question that I ask you based on the reality of your situation.

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-28-2012 at 06:00 PM.
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