Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 08-28-2012, 05:39 AM
Urvile Urvile is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Seattle
Posts: 25
Default I need feedback, a sounding board


So I need feedback, a sounding board, and I hope that people here, might help.
I've been through about a year of really uncomfortable times. And I feel like I'm very much at a crossroads.

So I've looked through the forum more than once, read articles, and a few books, I feel very much a neophyte still. I've got questions, and there seems to be many kindly, thoughtful, people here.


I do take full responsibility for my choices, actions, lack of actions, fear, anger, and frustration. I've done a lot of growing up, made some real mistakes. And it's my opinion, I'm sure that if asked, that the person I've been with would disagree, with some parts of this, but it's my story, and my view. And by talking here, am hoping to find some way navigate this all.
A history of sorts:
I've been dating someone for about 5 plus years, who with in the first few weeks told me "I don't do Monogamy well". I asked her what that meant, and she said she had had multiple lovers in the past, and mentioned briefly polyamory. My response was pretty naive. "I've always been monogamous", and I said "We will deal with it when it happens, and to be honest with me. I'm unsure how I felt about it."

But then again, I'd already fallen madly in love with her. I think I'd have agreed to about anything.

One last thing, she had her own web design business, and she was barely, and then not at all scraping by, over time, I had been helping financially, pay her rent and bills. This is ongoing.
This led up to Cheating / lying / and blaming.
I could mince words, I won't, none of these things are within the spirit of Polyamory. And over the next two years. She did these things repeatedly, while I was monogamous with her, but I accepted her behavior, and by doing so, I am responsible too.
After many fights, and arguments, pain and suffering, this led to:

Don't ask don't tell.
This sucked, it really sucked, but it sucked just a little less, than Cheating lying and blaming. It lasted about a year. While this was going on, I was some times content, and other times very unhappy. I'm pretty sure when, and who she was seeing, but never knew for sure. At this point, I ventured out once on my own, for a very short time. And it was a disaster. I discovered that, the rules did not apply equally. It did not immediately change any thing. I'm now of the opinion the person she primarily had been seeing, had worn out his welcome, and she stopped seeing him. At this point I said I never wanted to be in a don't ask don't tell relationship again, ever.
This led to:
A period of monogamy.
This lasted almost a year, I think I'd lulled myself into thinking that non-monogamy as a issue had gone away. it was a mistake.
And this led to:
A first attempt at polyamory.
First I'd ask everyone to be kind with me on this one. It's the freshest, and the most painful, and difficult time for me, in many ways we had grown together, and there had been much happiness, and love.
Towards the end of the year of monogamy, she decided that she wanted to explore polyamory. She, was unclear of her own intent, and did not communicate her intent. She fell back onto her old habits and kept secrets. I'd left for a trip, and when I came back, she'd gone exploring, fooled around with, and then, invited another person into the relationship. I'd never met him, or even known he existed.

I quickly figured out who he was, through the wonders of social media, And I sent a email to him saying how unhappy I was, that I thought what he had done was reckless, selfish, and he had rather self serving. I found out latter, They had been corresponding for about six months, he knew all about me ( Or so he said). And he said he had no intention of causing harm to her and my relationship. ( heh, only after in secret trying to fuck her.)

I was surprised, heart broken, furious, and very afraid. She said she'd never promised to monogamous, and I'd known this from the beginning. I gave in, I told her she had been dishonest, that I was very unhappy, but, I would not forbid it. At this point, the other person chimed in via email, with the jist of it being, I was just being jealous, and that I should grow up, wishing I was more evolved.
She said, that all I had to say was no... I was angry, scared, unhappy, felt abandoned, jealous and profoundly confused. The next month was a lot of fighting, denial, frustration, between us, attempts at negotiation and defensive posturing, on my part. She feel madly in love with this other person, and I said choose. She did.

She left me...

Over the next few months we tried to reconcile. I said I'd try polyamory. For a month. It was miserable. She was in la la land in love with this person, I'd not tried to date anyone until then. And I was angry, and unhappy. Not a appealing person to date. I dated one person, she was not interested in polyamory.

As the month was ending, I started to explain to both of them I was unhappy, and that I wanted out. After several heated moments, I was given the impression by both her and him, that they were going to stop seeing each other. I was wrong.
This led to:
This led up to Cheating / lying / and blaming.
The cheating lying and blaming part is my opinion. She said, what she agreed to was another round of don't ask don't tell. Just by the fact I missed this completely, and it continued for months it's not the the truth.
This led to:
My trying to leave.
She agreed to stop seeing him. That did not mean she did not pine after, lash out, try to negotiate and much grief around this. It finally came down to, lack of trust, and a unwillingness to support her, emotionally and financially if she was going to see him. Of course this person has not gone away. And off and on, he's been sniping.
This led to:
Me having a brief affair
There I've said it, I'm unhappy I did it. I made a mistake, and I've hurt her, and I hurt another person. I'm not proud.
This led to:
She's unhappy about what she calls forced monogamy. I'm unhappy for all sorts of reasons. First being forced support. We fight a lot. Before when we fought, even at it's worse, it lasted for a very short time, and it would be over and forgotten. It's not like that anymore. I really don't like it.

I think I'm being reasonable telling her that she must be independent, for anything to happen. Her wanting this other person, has had a direct effect on our relationship. She's been off and on distant, our sex life had always been, one of the bedrocks, is now very hit and miss. By proxy I'm in a relationship with someone who had, and has been a very negative force. And more and more all I want is escape. And it seems totally impossible without burning bridges.
So the question is, and I hate asking open ended questions, is there hope?
Are there coping skills I don't know? Am I crazy for sticking around? Or do I have my head up my ass?

What do you think?

Last edited by Urvile; 08-28-2012 at 06:06 AM.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 07:46 AM.