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  #21  
Old 03-04-2012, 07:04 PM
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"Okay right flirting with someome who is clearly in a relationship is just wrong full stop, especially if they know it, there's no "it's their fault if they aren't loyal" to target someone in a relationship just shows how much that person lacks in decency, secondly having witnessed girls chuck themselves at my boyfriends he still has an obligation to be nice back which still gets him into shit with me, leading to more arguments, and a potential split all for the sake of some selfish person wanting to satisfy themselves with flirting!
It shouldn't matter whether they like them if they know they're in a relationship they should leave it alone, some people just don't get the hint an persost further just to get what they want and it's unfair, jealousy is ugly and nine times out of ten a simple flirt leaves a lasting idea in the head of the other person that something has or will happen."


Here's something from the same kinda people, who moments earlier were calling me closed minded for believing in science and the scientific method particularly. ^_^ I laugh at the majority of the human race in pity, I really do.
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  #22  
Old 05-06-2012, 04:40 PM
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Just reached my 700th post on this site. [this being my 701st!]

Even more, I've been here almost exactly a year and a half now. At some point within this month. 18 when I joined, and one of the youngest members at the time, and probably still am around the bottom! Felt very out of place, but saw that I fit right in eventually.

It has been an amazing community to be a part of, and I thank you all for being such awesome people. =] You welcomed me warmly and have been great company all through.

To all of you!
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  #23  
Old 08-22-2012, 05:08 AM
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Slipped away from this site for a good while. Been through lots of ups and downs just within the last month or two. Ended up not spending a whole lot of time here, just because I seemed to be getting my kicks elsewhere. Been doing a lot of gaming, seeing and talking to so many friends, who are temporarily out of uni for a little while. Most of them back September or October.

I'm still feeling good about this year. I think it's been one of the best years in terms of my happiness levels yet. =] A goal for this same time next year, is to be comfortable in a nice work environment, earning some good money. I expect my mother will be in Canada by then, and my sister possibly living in Australia for a year or so. So I'll be all on my lonesome. It'll be all on me to keep myself with a roof over my head. It's going to be hectic, scary, and one hell of a learning experience. Hoping all goes well. =]

<3
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  #24  
Old 08-22-2012, 02:23 PM
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Hello. Canada's calling you for a visit. West Coast please.
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  #25  
Old 08-25-2012, 01:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Hello. Canada's calling you for a visit. West Coast please.
I would love to at some point. =] I expect once I have my life in order, it won't be too difficult to just pop over and say hello! ^_^
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  #26  
Old 03-23-2013, 01:47 AM
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I generally stay away from this site these days. Not out of any hate for the place, but usually busy in my own world, and feel that i don't have much worthy of contribution here. I still come by and read a fair bit. But Just updating a little on life, and where I'm at. The following 2 posts come from "notes" written recently, in times of looking inward. Finding myself, and throwing it out there, to get it off my chest.

Much like when I joined this site at 18 [nearly 19]. 2 and a half years ago... and I felt a whole rush of self-realisation. Understanding a great big chunk of who I was. I've been going through and evaluating more of that. In different areas.
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  #27  
Old 03-23-2013, 01:49 AM
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Default Forced by my own hands to write this shit...

... and I don't expect any of you to give a shit.

If you've read this far, and are already quitting with the rest, feel free to leave. I mean really leave. Fuck right off, and never look back.
Shit is about to get as deep as a wall of swearing can get.

So, it's stupid o clock in the morning. As fucking always. How often do I ever find myself at a reasonable time?

This shit that I'm about to tell you... It comes from a few days of hard thinking, and fucking years of doing fuck all about it.

A good friend of mine; a friend I've known for years, but never really known as close as I'd wished... He did something similar to this. Only more polite and with fanciful words. He's been going through a lot of similar shit and had to get all that shit out there. To get it off his chest, I suppose. This is not quite what I'm doing. This shit will never be off my chest, until it just fucks off... I'm just going to be saying it all, because I believe some of you need to know.

Now, I say some of you, because not all of you really know me. At all. Most of you don't. I'll be surprised if some of you don't forget I even exist half the time. I also don't really know a lot of you. Not as well as I would wish to. But there are truly only a handful of you I could not care about. Literally, I could probably count you on my fingers on one hand. On the opposite side, There are also only a handful of people I can really say I love. Truly and deeply. Would take a bullet for them. You know... in the leg or something... [they know I don't actually mean it that lightly, I just feel like I have to joke about everything...]

There used to be a time, where I could tell you the middle names and birthdays of every one of my friends. Some of people I just knew at the side. Numbers would just form and make sense in my head. It was quite a strange feeling, really. It also helped me out a lot very early on in life. Primary school was pretty piss easy. What I remember of it. I was actually quite a cunt at the time too, it seems. I know people who seem to remember me bullying them, personally. Something that really terrifies me. Not only because I don't remember it, which we'll get onto in a bit... But that I could do that to people I would today, and do, call friends.

Now, I'll bring up my memory. Because that alone is scary enough. You know, not remembering something like that. The feeling that it was such an unimportant part of my life, perhaps? Yet I could have [and might have] ruined peoples' lives. Is that what all this is, now? All my own shit is just some karma fucking around with me now? Not that my logical mind could ever comprehend such an illogical concept. But I really hope that whatever this is, that it really is because I did something to deserve it.

That isn't all I don't remember. I have huge chunks, missing from my life. I mean, huge. Between the ages of 7 and 11, I have a single, vague memory. I'm pretty sure even that memory was implanted. It is of me getting my piercing. Yes, I have a piercing! Some people are actually shocked when they notice, but my left ear lobe is and has been pierced, since I was 8 years old. The only reason I know I was 8 years old, is because it was my sister's 7th birthday. That is it. Absolutely every single other moment in those years... What the fuck happened? What the absolute fuck? How the fuck do 4 years of someones life just fuck right off? What kind of messed up fucking shit could happen, for 4 years to be removed?

I'll talk a little of my sister. She has me on this here facebook, and may wander in and start reading this shit. If so, hi, you managed to get this far... Probably not surprised by any of it yet. You probably know more about some of this stuff than me so far.
I know that my own sister is someone I was very hard on when younger. Some people say "well yeah, all siblings are like that, just leave them to it, they grow out of it"... Well why the fuck is that so? Why do we have to grow up that way? You think we really fucking enjoy it? We're not fighting for the fun of it, we're fighting to literally kill each other. We're fucking children, we don't know any fucking better.
Now, of course, we really have grown out of it. Though I expect only out of coincidence. We actually talk to each other like civil human beings. Even if we do often do it with great sarcastic humour. We have managed some pretty close conversation at times. I feel that even though we are both very different people, I hope my sister is around always. Not literally. But she's a part of the family I enjoy.


I can't say the same for my mother. She seems to be someone who lives for herself. Which is something that doesn't bother me in general. For the most part, it keeps her away from me. As much as I don't really love any of my family, but one... I really do not love this woman.
"But she gave birth to you, raised you" - Shut the fuck up, and leave right the fuck now. You are the exact kinda cunt who could never add anything to my life.
Those others of you... here's why.
I never fucking asked to be born. It wasn't a choice I was given. Great that I'm alive though, right? Because life is fantastic... That's why I'm here... Writing this...
and she may have raised me for a good while. When I was incapable of doing anything. She taught me to read and basic writing. Not that either really benefit me. I eventually went on to pretty much fail my English GCSEs. I managed to get lower grades in that, than some of the most stupid people I've ever met. Wow. I can see why, though. Look at this mess...
"but she let's you live in her house, for free, and eat all her food, for just as much" - Indeed. You are correct. Not only lets... But often, actually encourages it.
"You know no matter what, I'm your mother and I love you and I'malways here for you"... Yeah, and look where that got me. You know that same sister I use to beat the crap out of as children? She now thinks of me as a bum. Someone who will just always mooch from others, never get anywhere in life... I used to laugh at that... Now? All that time, she was probably on to something. Though this goes much deeper...

... I'm not the lazy fucking cunt everyone sees me to be. As I mentioned, primary school flew by for me. Due to not remembering half of it, but what I did remember, being just so easy. Not challenging at all. Come high school. The beginning of it. Same shit. Piss easy. Seems like I'm doing the same shit I was doing only 6 weeks ago. But at the beginning there, I met one guy that would really come to be a beam of light in what was to become the real shit.

This guy... Now the guy I call my best friend. The guy who wishes for me to be best man at his wedding. Not that I'm one for weddings. But the feeling of honour that something like that brings... Now this is one guy I love. The guy I love most of any single human in the world. A guy that, if I were gay, I would be damn jealous of that lovely lady of his! I have no idea how he does it. But he's always the same awesome guy, everytime I see him.
But only a few years in... This guy gets taken out from a big chunk of my day. Being at school with each other all the time, just gliding through everything as always. Then he's suddenly going to some other place. We're still awesome friends, we'll still hang when possible. But we no longer have that great daily chunk of chilling through life. It didn't really hit me at first. But certainly thing about it did hit rather hard. But the real difference only made a slow appearance. I still hung out with some cool people. Later on in the next year, I really got into music. Another big part of my life now...

I'd hang about with a group of people throughout the rest of my time in highschool. Some people who were intelligent, and enjoyed music. We had so much incommon with each other, but also such great differences. We bounced off and added to each other, I felt. We'd pretty much always skip any breaks for food, and instead, just hang about the music room. Have a mess around with some guitars, drums, steel pans. All of us even joined the steel pan group, and played arounf the country with that stuff. Absolutely brilliant. My most amazing experience on stage was with those guys. A moment that I've never even come close to in other bands. I've enjoyed playing with many bands, of course. But that steel pan stuff was fantastic.

In this time, one of these friends in this group. Very early on. Before the group really formed. She taught me to play bass. That is probably THE defining moment of my life. That was the first and last moment that anything really made sense. It was a moment when I felt "THIS IS WHAT I WANT!"... to today, where I'm just as confused as I ever was before.
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  #28  
Old 03-23-2013, 01:50 AM
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I wish to go back a little again. To before my friend left the place. To a girl.

Not just any, of course. I'm sure some will see this coming... But the first girl. The first romance. The first person I ever felt a romantic love for. I say romantic love, to differentiate from the love I have for some people. Even though, I see love as a single thing. There is only one love. But for the sake of this...
She was the first. I was 13 at this point. So everything that comes next is just as mushy and gushy as you might think. So I'm going to try not dive too deep into that.
I'll start from the end. Shit ended. Badly. To the point that, we stopped even talk years ago. Before that, she was a close friend for years. I would see here now and then. Just hang out, cuddle up on the sofa, and watch crappy films. Before that, we were together. Basically doing the exact same thing. Our relationship never really changed in all that time. Only the real "relationship" side of it all, only actually lasted 3 months, and 2 days... What did I say about those numbers in my head?
Felt like forever at that age though. and losing that really hurt. A physical pain. I can remember that pain as well as I remember those numbers... and I've never felt that pain since. There have been other shitty breakups since. Plenty of them. Perhaps I'll bore you with them too. Why not? I seem to be writing a life story anyways...
But still, none had that.
Knowing how all relationships since have gone on and how they've ended. I'm surprised that we even managed such a close friendship for so long after.

Back to school though. I've already lost track of where I really am. My memory seems to be like an 80 year old with alzheimer's... I think were just coming up to GCSE years?
So I've chosen to do music. Of course. and another choice was a BTEC in Media. A pretty vague title, but ended up being my favourite point of education.
Plus it got me out of doing that terrible lesson called religious studies.
I got some other stuff added to my courses, that I didn't choose, too. One started off as business studies. Which I enjoyed. But a third through the first year, it gets switched to the class of spreadsheets, or perhaps you know it more as the lesson to give you skills for the last job on earth any sane human would ever want. Or simply, Information Technology. The lesson that gives people who actually know how to use a computer a brain hemorrhage.

Needless to say, that was one of the lessons that really began a noticeable difference in me.
I was also given double science. Nothing really changed from the years before, that I remember. It was another lesson I still breezed through. Even now, I have a great love for science. Though the memory and less numbers able to fit in my head becomes a burden for the real calculation stuff.

This is the point when a lot of my care of anything seems to disappear. But I'm gonna flashback once again. I only do this because I remember important shit that I should have already brough up, but have no idea where I could just slide it in. So I just cut this seam right here, and you don't even notice I've gone off-topic.

So back to before the best mate, before the first love, and really, right at the beginning of school. First year, I think. Possibly second. I get into a lot of shit these years. Lots of fights with people. Lots of getting kicked out of school for a few days or a week or so.
One of these is pretty big for whatever reason. Though I can't remember the specific event that caused it. and I get kicked out for closer to 2 weeks. Mother is pissed off at this. "Can't keep you at home alone all that time, I've got work and stuff" or something to that effect. "I'm gonna send you to your dad's, and let him sort you out."
Well, my dad. Remember the only family member I love? Well here you go. This guy who pretty much started off my entire interest in music, in fact. A brilliant musician himself. Also an early adopter of computers, and doing such nerdy things with them.
Seems my mother and sister hate him. For whatever reasons. I still believe my sister was fed lies by my mother, because she doesn't really remember my dad all that much. Even myself, having such a huge chunk of nothing in memory. I've always known my dad to be a great man. From my earliest memories, to my most recent memories of him... Which were then. In this early perios of high school. Being sent to him. He was pretty strict about it all. He always was about serious matters like those. Even though one of my earliest memories of that kinda thing, were him telling me off for something I'd not done. A sad and frustrating time for any child when they aren't believed, just because they are young. But that kind of thing followed me all through my life, and still happens now. Only now, instead of getting a slap on the wrist, I go and get arrested. Yeah... But even through his strict ways, I knew he loved me. He always made sure to show it. Mother, sure, shes said it a hundred bazillion times. How many times have I believed it? maybe when I was as young and impressionable as my sister was, when she was fed lies about this great man.

The last time I saw him, was within a punishment. Well, you got me, life. First, you take my father, then you take my love, then you take my friendship. That alone. Those few years. I am sure they explain a whole lot to any brain doctor. But you don't need a PhD to see the fucking effects.

Just a short addition on my mother and that first love. When The whole inevitable breakup and literal heartache came by, I asked my mother for some help. Advice, or something. I was actually so scared of just asking her, that I wrote it down. I have no idea what made that easier, but it did. I gave the paper to her, and she read it. Her words were "that's silly. You could have just told me that. You'll get over it."
As true as it was. I could have just told her. Silly fucking me. I did get "over" it in a way. Eventually. But what was lost, still leaves a fucking void. You know, I have my own coldness. My own straightforward and logical, robotic answers. I feel this is why. You can't share shit with those who are meant to be closest to you? This same point is when I felt "I never asked for this. I never asked to be born. Especially within this."

I am so far off-track, that this is a jumbled mess of a timeline here. We seem to only be half way through. But I expect i'll get the other half of this written in half the length. Because I tend to rush endings. Sometimes just even completely ignoring them. I can start anything off easily. But finishing something takes a whole lot more effort.

I feel like I should bring so many individual people up, but there have been so many, and they have all come in and out of my life so easily. As much as most of you mean to me, I've come to expect that a lot of you will be gone tomorrow. I have a single person I truly rely on to be by my side until one of us dies or something.
A few people, I hope to be at that point with. You are the ones I love, and have felt closest to. I wish for you to always be around. The rest... I wish I could care about you even that much. You make a difference in my life for the better. I enjoy having you around. But any single one of you leaving, would only be replaced by someone I equally don't know. It's as a mass, that you people make just small differences. As much as a friendly chat. Even lasting only 10 minutes... You've helped. =]
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  #29  
Old 03-23-2013, 01:51 AM
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I think I'll get off high school now. My grades were alright. Above average. Some things did fantastic at. Others, disappointments. But enough to get me right into college.

College was a fantastic experience. Right off, though, I did terrible. I didn't put the effort in, that I felt I should. But for reasons we'll get to, that are connected to the end of high school.
Now, I met amazing people here. Absolutely fantastic people. I can't say I ever met a single person there, who didn't make me feel good at some point.
Most of them were at least a year older than me, from doing a starter college course first. Some even older, because they wanted to go back to college, or missed it the first time around, and felt like giving it another go. But all of them so damn friendly! The first real person to make me feel at ease there, was a handsome man, much like myself. Similar tastes and thought patterns. Made my entire first year pretty easy, to the point I felt like I was really doing well again. I managed to concentrate on a lot of good work. Wrote some good songs. Played some pretty terrible songs... but with good people.
Outside of college. More relationship troubling stuff. Begins to really distract me from me. Relationship crap could really be a conversation in its own. It's stuff I hate talking about, because I know how much people hate it. You always tell me often enough. But at this point is when relationships really just because one distraction after another. To the point of even my most recent one. I feel a great weight has been pushed off me with that stuff now. I have the opportunity to focus.

Second year. Another friend gone. Disappears off the map. Again, for own reasons. Still get to chat and hang out every now and then. See him play with his band often, and have a chat and a drink.
Start hanging with a usual choice of 2 people. One more than the other. Down to more similar tastes once again. Though this time, not as close. It's someone friendly and intelligent to talk with on my breaks. Here's where it really becomes more of a distraction, too. I start really doing all i can to put off all the work. I get more and more work piled upon me. Get a feeling that it's just too much. But keep pushing just enough to stay under the radar.
Start applying for universities. Never really wanted to go. Always felt that a degree in music would never get me anywhere that experience couldn't. But did it anyway. Tried selecting some difference courses. Maybe I'll learn something new that I'll enjoy more than this year.
Close to the end, and I just feel at one of my lowest points. Another relationship down the gutter. Ever more lower in coursework. Starting to get refusals from universities.

At this point, I've just wondered how much lower it could even get. I send a message to my main college tutor at the time. A lengthy e-mail explaining how much I just feel my year has not gone as well as I wish it had. Asking for some advice on how to push over and do the second year over again. I know a few people in that year, so I'd not be alone with it.

Not even a reply.

I get a single acceptance for university. For my last choice course. A course I only chose, because why not apply to the maximum amount? I didn't even refuse at that point. I just left the letters in a pile of trash.

I figure now, well, why not just have a look at some job stuff? That'll do me over for a while. I apply to anywhere and everywhere for months. Nothing.
Perhaps there's just nothing going at the moment. I instead look at some stuff I'd enjoy doing. Local bands needs bassists. Hop trough a few over the next year. and 2 years... and 3. Though in that second year, I did join a band for almost a year. Absolutely brilliant time I had with those guys. Good music, Good fellas.
End up finding a job. Holy shit, yes! Finally! and another fantastic relationship. What is this? My life feeling like it's worth a shit again?
Band feels like my effort is now lacking, and my attitude becoming too much. My say it how it is never does do me any good eh? Can't have everything go well forever.
But hey, I have a job, I'm getting paid. and hey, have a beautiful girl to share my time with.
Lose job, because they felt I was too young for the part... I was cleaning fucking office desks. A fucking monkey with downs could do this shit...
But hey, I still have this wonderful person to share my time with, as I search for something else once again.
Lasts a good while too. One of the longest amount of time I've stayed with someone. Stay pretty happy til right up in the end. Shit really falls apart. Some of you were a part of that. Some of you really helped me out at that point even. With great support. For such a horrible time, I felt really loved. Some of you I'd not even been too close with, but you'd brought yourselves closer at that point. I needed you, and you were there.

But now we're here. I've got none of that stuff I did have, I'm back where I was.

I do still have my music. Though I still don't feel I put that effort in. Same as at the end of college there. Same as at the end of high school. All effort seems to have gone. At least on the outside. I've been called lazy more than I can count. Lazy. Unwilling to work. Unwilling...I have never fucking willed anything fucking more than I will the shit I do right now. For my entire fucking existence to just be peaceful. I don't give a shit if it has meaning or not. But I just want things to go on, until I fucking drop dead. That is the point I am at. I put every bit of my effort to just have my life be less like this. But I can't. Not because of fucking laziness, but BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW FUCKING HOW. "Nobody gave anyone a manual on how to live"... But it sure seems fucking easy for you, doesn't it. I see you all out there, going about with your jobs, your education, the people you love. and you fucking complain about every fucking bit of it. Piss the fuck right off.and you've done it using all the same things I've done. Exactly the same. I try to live by your rules, and it gets me the opposite result.At this point, I really do feel like I'm just waiting for death. Well... Homelessness, and then a very cold, lonely death.I'm not sure if suicide is for the idiot, who has not seen what life has to offer, or for the genius, who has seen it offers fuck all.Either way, it's not the kind of death I wish for. No matter how bad things could ever get.I'd hope it never gets to that point.This has been a broadcast from me... and I expect nothing from it. I don't want your terrible advice, as I've heard it all before. What I would like, is some real, genuine help. From people who can make even that bit of difference in my life. I just want to actually feel like I'm living, and not waiting for death.I'm not sorry for wasting your time. You chose to read this shit.
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  #30  
Old 03-23-2013, 01:51 AM
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Default Continuation Of Self-Realisation

Reading up on a lot of personally related stuff and things, and realising further how terrible people are and always have been through my life.

Understanding why I am the way I am.

Biggest problem seems to be, that I've noticed so far, is that I knew all of this stuff subconsciously all along. It's the kind of stuff I was always telling people, but was always made to believe I was in the wrong.
Now I realise, it's actually because NOBODY FUCKING LISTENED.

In the time frame I'm thinking of, it generally makes sense to a lot of people. I was a small, insignificant child. What could I possibly understand more than an adult? [Something in itself which has always pissed me off since. Pissed off even writing about it, forcing myself to think of these moments...]

I haven't really changed, either. In the sense that I am still making myself clear. Perhaps not clear English, meaning that some kind of interpreter is needed... But in general, I'm not one to hide, not one to lie... I give people everything they would need to help me out.

I still see these kinds of people all around me today. Still nobody listens.

It seems to many people that to "shift" the blame to the world around me wouldn't seem fair.
"If you knew, why didn't you do something about it then?"... Well, that's the entire point here...
I was. Even if I didn't know it at the time, I was doing what I could, as a child, to get where I needed. For a lot of it, I did manage to help myself in a more direct way. The majority of things I know, I know them because I personally went out of my way to understand them. Sure, a few people have been great anomalies of interaction, who have taught me in ways I could not thank them enough for... But mostly down to my own annoyance at everyone else. The things I couldn't, and still cannot help myself with, are where I've always fallen down on, because of those people. They were there as guides. That was their job at that time in my life. But because they couldn't listen, they failed me.

Some things I go on to learn myself in the future, in a point where it is too late for the required tasks I needed the knowledge for. Some things I'm certain I still don't know. Of those, some I can't even remember. Things that I don't know I don't know. Others being things I've tried to know, and failed at. For various reasons of who I am, and how I function, they seem to be impossibilities without a guide.

So I most definitely blame people other than myself. For holding me back. Not teaching me the things I could have learnt much earlier than now.

Music is [obviously] one of my greatest loves in life. Something I actively pursue greater knowledge of. Something that still frustrates me. I understand basic principles. I understand complex ones even greater [somehow]. But for some reason, is still something I find incredibly difficult to get my ideas out onto.
I'm obviously no great writer. I've struggled with formal writing my entire life. Creative writing not far behind. I find it difficult to even get my point across in formal conversation, to the point that other people get frustrated with me. Though I don't find it a skill I much care about enhancing, as all through my life, nothing has ever worked in doing so. But the frustration from not being able to use it well is nothing compared to the frustration I get with something like music.

Not even just music, but it was an obvious and easy example.

I just wanted to write this all to say that being frustrated with all in life seems to be the entire point of my life. I'm moving too slowly for my liking, and THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT PERSONALLY [otherwise I would have done already].

Bursts of productivity come through, and then seem to have a recharge period of varying lengths. I feel this is the beginning of one of those bursts. Even if this particular writing doesn't do anything productive for everyone reading it, this kind of thing becomes a great reflection for me. For days after my last one of these mejiggers, I had taken a lot off my chest, and felt more free. This is just another, from another subject, more focused.

I'm pretty sure that my problem is most likely ADD [or more correctly these days, ADHD-PI]. Of course, not being a doctor, I'm not qualified to say definitely. But being intelligent, and aware of myself, I can say for certain that there is nothing else that describes me better, from the earliest age I can remember. In itself, it also gives reason for a lot of personality traits I know I have, and a lot of personality traits, in turn, point to ADD.

I'm hoping that I can find some help to figure out if it is, and how to help me with that. [without throwing medication down my gullet]

Much love. <3
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