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Old 08-24-2012, 04:14 PM
CheshireCat CheshireCat is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 9
Default Yet another transition from mono-to-poly thread


HUGE Apologies for the exceedingly long post. It was even longer but I've edited heavily ;-) Any advice that anyone can offer would be appreciated!!

My husband and I have recently joined OKCupid. Our relationship has been notionally "open" for years (just not found more than one or two friends to act on it with). I now realise that my basis for opening up was purely for fun - for sex, new friendships, new activity partners. Light, easy stuff. My husband quickly meeting a girl and exploring new kinks didn't bother me at all. I was enjoying seeing how happy he was and that energy being brought back into our relationship. I hadn't met her, but didn't really feel that I needed to.

Then the problem: My husband and this girl are now romantically involved - properly loved up, caught up in NRE, call it what you will - which I really hadn't planned for. It looks like (on reflection and repeats of conversations etc) my husband had tried on a couple of occasions to warn me that it was likely he'd fall for someone if he did meet someone he really liked - I appear to have just brushed it off, or put up such a strong barrier against dealing with that idea that I didn't even realise I had done so myself. I had happy expectations of an open relationship, while my husband had always intended on being fully poly.

As a result of that mismatched expectation, I'm finding their NRE incredibly difficult to manage. I get resentful and pissed off about their constant interactions via email/text/IM, however they can manage it. I've found myself tempted to read my partner's emails and texts, which I've NEVER done before (and thankfully have been able to resist).

I met the girl concerned recently for the first time and was completely unable to control my emotions: I just shut down, unable to talk to either of them or accept any physical or emotional support from my husband. The strength of my response really took me by surprise! I'm usually able to cope in just about any social situation but this one floored me.

My husband is obviously quite distraught for multiple reasons - he hates to see me so upset, but on the flip side he really has feelings for this girl and doesn't want to screw that up either.

Whatever the reason for (our first and only!) communication breakdown over the style of our relationship opening, I really want to make it work. I want to find ways to be happy (or at least comfortable) with any other romantic entanglements he may have, and at the same time perhaps open myself up to the possibility of more than just a bit of sexy fun with other partners.

However, at the moment I can't see how I'm going to reconcile it all together. I genuinely have no issue with other fun being had, but the sight of my husband so clearly doting on another woman left me feeling cuckolded, like an intruder and helpless. If I could identify what I was jealous *of* that would probably help! Good old fashioned insecurity, I reckon. But my head knows that we're completely committed to each other, so I can't make sense of my emotions properly!

Any thoughts or advice much appreciated (and a gold star to you if you read the whole thing, frankly....)
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communication, compersion, insecurities, mono poly, mono to poly, mono/poly, monogamy, nre

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