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Old 08-23-2012, 03:08 PM
ThirdAlternative ThirdAlternative is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 8

Ideally, I'd say single (divorced, widowed, etc...) But you have to be very careful of even those who claim to be "single", "separated" or "divorced". Here is what recently happened to me:

I came across someone 8 months ago who normally I probably wouldn't have been initially attracted to. I didn't know what to make of him, but figured I'd go meet him for dinner because he was smart and funny. When we first communicated he said he was "officially separated", had his own place in town because he worked here but owned a home in another state and went home to see his kids regularly (more like EVERY single weekend). I figured that might work, he's just a good dad, etc...but even Dad's need a break! He never stayed in town on the weekend that I knew of. So we started seeing each other once a week, talking, sharing a lot together over a glass of wine at his condo, etc....

After about 6 weeks, his story changed. His estranged wife wanted to reconcile, which is possible, but at this point, after all I know about him now, highly unlikely. He told me he had to give it a chance for their toddler's sake. I wished him luck, told him I wouldn't contact him anymore. He replies with "I'm just conflicted"...I said "about what? " He said "you"..Ok, right there that implies he was having some feelings for me that he did not know how to process....

For another 6 weeks, I heard nothing, then he contacted me, saying it's not working with the wife and he wants to see me. I should have just said "no thanks", but I didn't. I needed to get out anyhow. So we go out, have a nice time. He says how he missed me etc...but he is super busy this summer with trips with the kids, writing a book, etc...

We see each other one more time in June for his birthday. By then, something was definitely amiss. He never had problems being aroused by me, suddenly it's obvious something is weighing on his mind. He is asking me about when I'm moving (I said not for another year, if even). I do tell him I'm probably having a hysterectomy at the end of the summer; he says nothing.

A few weeks go by, I text him to say hello. No reply. He never said I couldn't message him and I seldom did. Then after my surgery, I notice he has a new profile on the site we met on and he has viewed my profile several times. He now claims to be "divorced", but still mentions his trips to the other state to see his kids, so although he wants a regular friend, he doesn't have time for a "romantic relationship". Now other than sharing some passionate times together, I never said anything out of line. It was usually him saying "wow, we are such a good fit, etc...". Sounds like he is still conflicted and plans on decieving and perhaps not opening up as much with the next woman. I guess I'd have to say "good riddance".

My advice? Single people have drama too. I can't say they are always better, but at least if they are TRULY single, there's not chance of some pissed off wife going ballistic. Also, be very careful of married people who even claim to be in open relationships. That's been an excuse for some, but when I say ok, well you can meet my spouse if you like, not a problem, can I meet yours? Suddenly, the story becomes "oh, well it's open on my end, she doesn't care what I do, she just doesn't want to know". Red flag in my opinion.

Last edited by ThirdAlternative; 08-23-2012 at 03:13 PM.
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Old 08-23-2012, 07:57 PM
Dwyndar Dwyndar is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 3

I have found that I, personally prefer someone who has a primary. C has dated both and has come across problems with both. He met a woman, new to poly and single who within 3 days of them talking started with very Cowgirl, Mono staements such as, Our relationship needs to be sacred, if you really are happy with them, why are you with me, I need more time with you stuff, yes 3 days! He also had issues with a married woman he was interested in as she didn't want him to meet her husband. I have come across the same in my experiences with other men, but I definitely avoid the single and new to poly unless they were really really spectacular,(haven't found one yet). I guess it's just a scary combo for me. There are issues with every situation. It's best to find what everyones comfort levels are right from the start. We have all agreed that we all meet potential dates up front, that just works best for us.
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boundaries, negotiating, primary, secondary, veto

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