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  #41  
Old 12-07-2009, 07:41 PM
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
I suspect folks choosing to live a mono lovestyle probably don't question the "possibility" of romantic love flowering (it's existence) but simply forbid any EXPRESSION of that love. In other words - it's a "concept" vs "reality" issue. I suspect it's the expression, the actions, associated with spreading love that constitutes the threat or breaking of vows. Whether "mono" minded people (as any large percentage) believe "love" to be a finite thing, somehow just doesn't compute with me.
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I tend to agree with you GS. I really don't buy most of the arguments that there are big differences between poly and mono minds, and what they view as "possible", or whatever. Therefore, what Legion stated in the previous post really doesn't make much sense to me. Good monogamous relationships last because it is understood that attractions and feelings DO develop for other people outside of the mono relationship. And, the rules and boundaries for mono relationships are just as complex as poly ones... e.g. cheating could be porn, could be emotional, etc. But having deep emotional connections for others might be fine, and even supported, time even could be shared.. My parents, for example, have a long lasting mono relationship, where both are encouraged to have deep emotional connections with others of the opposite sex. They say it is healthy.

The only real difference in poly vs. mono principles is how many people one is involved with in an honest manner. Some could argue sex is involved in this divide. However, even this has caveats, because monogamous living does "allow" for dating multiple people, even somewhat seriously, and having all partners aware of it. Until EVENTUALLY one is chosen for some period of time. (mono can mean one at a time, not in a lifetime)

So - The more I think about it, the more the divide is blurred.
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  #42  
Old 12-09-2009, 09:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
I suspect folks choosing to live a mono lovestyle probably don't question the "possibility" of romantic love flowering (it's existence) but simply forbid any EXPRESSION of that love. In other words - it's a "concept" vs "reality" issue. I suspect it's the expression, the actions, associated with spreading love that constitutes the threat or breaking of vows.
Disclaimer:
Included in the following statements are generalizations and therefore subject to discrepancy among individuals. I'm just saying general trend, not every mono person ever.

I think that many mono people would view those "possibilities of romantic love" as just pure lust or some other form of devilry. Whether that would be blamed on the luster, the lustee, the luster's partner or the relationship; fault would be found somewhere. Time and time again, I've said things like "expression of love" and see folks' eyes glaze over. I've even had people echo back to me what they think I've said: "you mean $*&ing"

Sure they don't question the possibility that their partner could be attracted to someone else. Expressing attraction is not the only forbidden, also to varying degrees, are actions that could cause attraction. Pre-emptive strike style. Looking at others, doing favors for others, talking "too much" with others... all those are possible signs that you've got a "bad" partner in many mono minds. (By "others" I mean "people of the same gender as those which your partner prefers sexually")
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  #43  
Old 12-09-2009, 05:08 PM
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I think the principles that monogamous people apply to love and relationships are wide and varied, just as the principles that poly people apply to relationships are.
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  #44  
Old 12-09-2009, 05:56 PM
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Is it possible there is a spectrum, with most people laying somewhere between the extremes of 100% mono or 100% poly?

Not that the extremes have been defined, but I would think 100% mono would mean one partner for life. A person might date but not get sexual or express romantic love until they were absolutely sure this was "the one".

100% poly, on the other foot, would mean what? Loving everyone they meet?
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  #45  
Old 12-09-2009, 06:12 PM
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And... this is why I personally don't believe that people are 100% either! Both of those extremes sound, well extreme! (and a bit unbelievable).

I think it is similar to sexuality - there is a continuum, and the position on the continuum can change for people over the course of their life, or even over a few days. So Legion - yes, I agree with that concept. I have seen it before, maybe on this forum.

Part of the reason I have a hard time grasping the "divide" between things like this is because of these constant changes... I know there are some differences, but it might lie in how we EXPRESS our desires, and not the desires themselves. I think a big part of mainstreaming poly ( or at least minimizing oppression) is to recognize how we are actually more similar than different - that everyone is on the same continuum (planet earth) just in a different spot (town).

I.e. we are all human and our basic needs are the same - we need companionship, a sense of security, freedom, etc.
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  #46  
Old 12-09-2009, 06:40 PM
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Red I am secretly in love with you today. Just thought you should know. Your words on this speak to me. This last post and the one earlier.

*hugs* RP
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  #47  
Old 12-09-2009, 07:44 PM
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it's not secret anymore... *muah*!
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  #48  
Old 12-09-2009, 10:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
Some could argue sex is involved in this divide. However, even this has caveats, because monogamous living does "allow" for dating multiple people, even somewhat seriously, and having all partners aware of it. Until EVENTUALLY one is chosen for some period of time. (mono can mean one at a time, not in a lifetime)

So - The more I think about it, the more the divide is blurred.
I totally agree with everything you say Red.
And I think the "sex" thing does become maybe the biggest divide.
Our current western culture is just totally ....what's the best word....obsessed, with sex in general. This has often been my "soapbox" and I'm coming to think that the way I view sexuality is vastly disconnected from mainstream culture and even some on the fringe. I think it's given WAY more attention than it deserves primarily because I feel a vast majority of people have never really dug into it beyond the superficial aspects. I've always said that for example, the whole gay rights etc movement(s) should never have been necessary. People's sexual preferences deserve no more discussion than their culinary tastes ! You like bland - I like spicy - cool ! Let's go eat. End of discussion.
Of course I've always felt the same about race and many other things and I realize that I seem to among the tiny minority apparently. You're black - I'm white - She's red. Cool ! Let's go eat ! End of discussion.
But humans seem to have a proclivity for wanting to turn a multi-hued world into balck and white - with THEIR definition of black and white being the only one possible. Are we just lazy ? I don't know.
Things really could just be so much simpler, and nicer if some of these "divides" just were acknowledged for the color they are and let go. We have more important things to accomplish.

GS
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  #49  
Old 12-09-2009, 11:32 PM
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Oh I think I might love you today too GS. Let's go eat! Wouldn't that be great to actually do that?! We do that after our monthly poly meets. I look forward to that more than the meets sometimes as a table of drinks and food often inspire a good conversation.
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  #50  
Old 12-10-2009, 05:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
But humans seem to have a proclivity for wanting to turn a multi-hued world into balck and white - with THEIR definition of black and white being the only one possible. Are we just lazy ? I don't know.

GS
I don't know about the rest of humanity but I certainly take a great deal of pleasure in black and white so you are right about at least one of us LOL! I think of grey as the period between internally debating something and making a decision about it. Once I'm done it is one color or the other. I might revisit it later and it will change color, but it will not remain grey for long.

Haha! I just thought of something..I think in binary...switch on/switch off, ones and zeros. I'm a PC not a Mac LOL!
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