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  #21  
Old 12-04-2009, 07:50 PM
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Thanks for the update Take care and focus! I know how hard that can be.
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  #22  
Old 12-04-2009, 08:14 PM
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Thanks, mono. This is just as hard as it was when we started talking about poly a year ago, which seems most like years ago now.

My inner turmoil hurts must when it makes me look at the choices I made when I married my husband. I wonder why I really wanted it, if I did it because I really did want to marry him, or if it was because it seemed like the thing to do. More of something I wanted regardless of who with. It hurts to think about those things, but I would be doing a disservice to myself and my husband to ignore them.
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  #23  
Old 12-07-2009, 10:38 AM
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Thanks to some unfortunate circumstances, my poor J- was forced to move out of his apartment this past weekend. I can say it is sad, since it means no more convenient place to go and hang out off campus during the day, but it has its advantages. Now he has internet! (yay!) My husband was laughing at me as I chatted with him over the face of the books and got him to download skype so I could send him some files. I cannot imagine how he lived without the internet.

It's the last week of classes and luckily all of these positive feelings will keep me from being too distracted to complete all the assignments and studying I have to do before Friday. >.>

It's probably kinda late, but I am also going to start going to the free counseling clinic on campus starting today. I think I need something like this so I don't keep relying too much on my friends for emotional support. They're way too good to me, but they shouldn't have to be my psychologists ^_~
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  #24  
Old 12-09-2009, 11:55 AM
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Dear me:

Girl, stop it. You keep being a stupid girl. Take things as they come and as they are, not as you think/are afraid they might be. Letting your mind invent problems for you is not helpful or healthy. So stop it.

Love

You
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  #25  
Old 12-09-2009, 09:05 PM
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I'm still being dumb. I guess I can't expect myself to be able to instantly change the way I look at things and be able to just go with the flow while I've come to question a lot of the choices I've made from recently to the last few years.

More and more I find that I love J- a lot, but sometimes I'm not sure that we would be right together. (if that makes sense) Then again I think a lot of the things he does that I don't like I don't like for different reasons than why he does them. A good example of this takes a little explaining, but I need to get this out of my head so I can get my ass to some schoolwork and stop thinking about it...so here goes.

He's not the kind of person to always call you right back (or, subsequently, text you back). He has even told me, if he's busy, he won't respond, if he isn't he will. It's simple, but it doesn't keep me from getting anxiety over not seeing or hearing from him for a few days. This week was a good example of this, and it's the second week in a row it happened this way. J- is busy with school and a third shift job and he doesn't sleep and just had to move back in with his dad. While I talked to him a little Sunday and Monday morning, he was awol from class Monday night and all day Tuesday. As it is the last week of classes, I got really worried, especially since last night was the last official Japanese class this semester, and he wasn't there.

So I texted him, then called him, worried. Since I got dumped right into voicemail I knew that his phone must be dead. And while I didn't fear the worst, I was still a little more concerned. When I got home I sent him a message via skype and then waited to see if I heard back from him. I worried in my typical paranoid depressive manner that he was avoiding me until he messaged me back, laughing, and saying he overslept.

What's stupid is I should have known that. Every time this happens, this is what it is. He's asleep, or busy, or working...that kind of stuff. I am working to try and get out of this habit. My husband is constantly reminding me that it's a byproduct of my condition, but I don't like taking that excuse. Even if that's true, I shouldn't have to live with it. There has to be a way to change it, or learn a better way to cope. And that, ladies and gents, is why I'm going back to counseling again, because I'm sick of feeling like this at the most illogical and most inconvenient times.

I have another problem.

More and more I keep thinking about whether or not I made a mistake getting married when I did. I love my husband, I can't see any reason why I would stop, but I'm wondering if it was the right thing to do. I was supposed to graduate the spring before our wedding and even though I walked and did all of that, I ended up not passing a class and not being able to get my degree. So I took time to get married, work, and just ... i guess...be an adult for a while. Eventually when I started to seriously start to think about going back to school again it always becomes an issue of if my husband could follow me. Can he get a job there, can we afford it...etc.

In retrospect, I often feel like we have just been playing house for the last three years, from the time right before our wedding up until now. My husband has worked a string of dead-end factory jobs during this whole time...and he has a bachelors degree. Even if he has difficulty getting a job in his field (TV production) it still feels wrong that he has the jobs he has had. We barely make ends meet...and we've essentially been in a funk for the last few years.

(ok right now I feel a lot like crying but can't really do that in the student center can we?)

We've talked about this, he knows it. What it comes down to is that I'm going back to school because my first choice of degree was the wrong one and I'm pursuing something I really love and that I could make a solid career off from. But then, here I am...married...25...and something about that makes me feel...constrained. I have to study abroad as a part of the program. My plan is to go next year for two semesters...it's what I want to do. I guess I'm kinda tired of letting myself be limited by my relationships. But I can't keep putting it off. I want to have kids someday, and the longer I wait the harder it will be...so I can't. keep. putting. school. off.

So a serious question I find myself asking ... myself ... is "Why did I get married?"

It breaks my heart that I think about this, but pretending I don't wont solve anything. It just hurts a lot to admit.
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  #26  
Old 12-09-2009, 09:30 PM
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Sorry to hear you are struggling Ramfish,

I've got a question though and you might not like it. Didn't you say you were shifting the focus of your relationship towards a more "platonic" relationship or did I mis read?
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  #27  
Old 12-09-2009, 09:38 PM
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That was what I thought would be happening ... but I'm getting the feeling J- isn't sure what he wants to do. Mostly, I don't think he's had the chance to talk to this girl about what kind of relationship they're going to have (open vs exclusive)

However, J- hasn't given me any indication that he actually wants to pursue anything romantic. He does however often tell me he cares about me and will say things like "I heart you" and call me sweetheart. Now, don't get him wrong, he's told me he doesn't want to lead me on, and he was pretty clear that the fact that I'm married, to him, means he doesn't/can't/wont think about (one of those) anything more with me.

It's all extremely complicated.
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  #28  
Old 12-09-2009, 09:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ramfish View Post
That was what I thought would be happening ... but I'm getting the feeling J- isn't sure what he wants to do. Mostly, I don't think he's had the chance to talk to this girl about what kind of relationship they're going to have (open vs exclusive)

However, J- hasn't given me any indication that he actually wants to pursue anything romantic. He does however often tell me he cares about me and will say things like "I heart you" and call me sweetheart. Now, don't get him wrong, he's told me he doesn't want to lead me on, and he was pretty clear that the fact that I'm married, to him, means he doesn't/can't/wont think about (one of those) anything more with me.

It's all extremely complicated.
When he becomes clear on what he wants, it might be good to have a chat about the use of words with him. Try to identify what words trigger you to thinking maybe there is a chance although he indicates there is none. It's about saying things that match what you are doing. If the word sweet heart makes your pulse race and your heart beat faster than perhaps he could avoid that.

Also if your relationship is a platonic friendship, perhaps you are somewhat overzealous in your expectation for such routine and obligatory communication? Try not to reach out so much as perhaps this is pushing him away a little?

Just my thoughts
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  #29  
Old 12-09-2009, 10:21 PM
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Sounds like you're having a rough time of it. Studying abroad is really exciting, though, and if it's for an area of study that you love and will help in your future, your husband will likely be supportive; he sounds like a supportive, wonderful husband.

I lived away from my fiance for 5 months when I studied abroad in Spain, and it was terrible and wonderful in many ways. I learned how to communicate more with my guy and how to share my life with him when he wasn't living it with me. It was really hard experiencing such wonderful things without him, and not having him there when I was having a bad day. But it's doable if you have a strong, supportive partner, which is sounds like you do.

Breathe. It'll be okay. Sometimes making sacrifices-- like living away from your husband for a while-- can strengthen your relationship in ways you wouldn't expect.
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  #30  
Old 12-09-2009, 10:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
When he becomes clear on what he wants, it might be good to have a chat about the use of words with him. Try to identify what words trigger you to thinking maybe there is a chance although he indicates there is none. It's about saying things that match what you are doing. If the word sweet heart makes your pulse race and your heart beat faster than perhaps he could avoid that.

Also if your relationship is a platonic friendship, perhaps you are somewhat overzealous in your expectation for such routine and obligatory communication? Try not to reach out so much as perhaps this is pushing him away a little?

Just my thoughts
This is most true. I'm really really getting the feeling that he isn't sure what he wants, which is why he's sending me mixed signals.

This is not the first time I have expected more from someone who has no obligation to reciprocate regularly. It has a lot to do with the way it think, how my depression can affect me when I'm worried ... etc.

I have been tempted in the past to delete his phone number from my phone, give it to a friend, and tell them not to give it back to me for X amount of time...it probably sounds extreme...but it would remove the temptation, wouldn't it?
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