the agony aunt speaks.

[lovefromgirl]

I wince a lot at home.

There are things my family does that would never be tolerated in any other household. The one that set me to thinking about it was my mother randomly screaming up the stairs for me while I was listening to music -- I just made out the last syllable of my name.

As often as I have asked her to come UP the stairs and speak to me when there is music going, she never once has done it of her own accord. And why am I limiting it to "when there is music going", anyway? I wouldn't shout up or down the stairs to -- I have got to come up with a nickname for my metamour that isn't too trite. Help me, love? -- Well, I wouldn't shout for her. I'd go and find her. She would probably do me the same courtesy.

There are plenty of days when I wish I lived with my partner and my metamour. They're civilised, at least.

But for all the rudenesses around here, I also see kindnesses I couldn't have in their home that I get in mine. The very worst-case scenario for me is a panic attack I can't stop on my own. Doesn't happen too often anymore. Is still a frightening prospect. I can't wake them in the middle of the night looking for help. I could wake him, but I'd feel strange going into their room. I don't feel strange about waking my mother. People with healthier brains (and who grew up in functional families) probably see this as dead bizarre. Do bear with me while I muddle through THIS reality. I'd love not to need help. I'd love to move out on my own. Ain't happening.

I want boundaries in some areas and I need for the boundaries to stay down in others. I think I need professional help sorting this through.

[lovefromgirl]

. . . those unremarkable, undesired, unfathomably lazy little gym rats.

Hi..how r u doing today?

An hour ago, I might've answered, "Well, my family had a bit of a crisis, but it's on its way to resolution, and I'm relieved to have my car back so I can run errands."

But not today! It is now the twenty-first, and by God I haven't lectured anyone yet.

"Today" is fifty-two minutes old, though I see you sent yours with seven minutes to spare in yesterday. Yesterday was difficult. Today is, thus far, better.

Well, except for having to tell a grown boy of thirty to man up and use real words when he's addressing a potential date. Yes, even from a smartphone. Take the extra ten seconds and actually impress me, o generic manchild.

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl

o generic manchild.

Youch!

That's hot!

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl

The one that set me to thinking about it was my mother randomly screaming up the stairs for me while I was listening to music -- I just made out the last syllable of my name.

This was normal in my house.

As often as I have asked her to come UP the stairs and speak to me when there is music going, she never once has done it of her own accord. And why am I limiting it to "when there is music going", anyway?

Who's house is it, who pays the majority of the rent/mortgage? If it's her house, her rules. Does she get mad that you don't hear her or does she call once, then come get you if she gets no response?

In my house, if the kids can't hear me calling down the hall (it's less than 20 feet), when their music is on, the music is TOO loud. End of Story. As I've gotten older, my ears have become increasingly more sensitive to loud noises (including music) and less able to hear softer volume stuff, especially if there is a lot of ambient noise (music in another room). It can get actually painful and bring on a severe headache. I've got the same rule in the car. If you can't hear an emergency siren (or any other noises outside your car), the music is TOO loud.

I wouldn't shout up or down the stairs to -- I have got to come up with a nickname for my metamour that isn't too trite. Help me, love? -- Well, I wouldn't shout for her. I'd go and find her. She would probably do me the same courtesy.

In your house you can make your own rules. A great deal depends on what people grew up doing or watching other people do.

I don't feel strange about waking my mother. People with healthier brains (and who grew up in functional families) probably see this as dead bizarre.

Not bizarre, natural. She's your MOM, that's what mom's are for . Remember, you have lived with your mom longer than anyone else, she's been there through all the yucky stuff. Now that I've been married 21 years, there's stuff I would wake my husband over, but not my mother.

[lovefromgirl]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Who's house is it, who pays the majority of the rent/mortgage? If it's her house, her rules. Does she get mad that you don't hear her or does she call once, then come get you if she gets no response?

The former. She keeps calling and calling, and because she does that for everything, I've no way of knowing whether it is a situation where she could come up and get me or whether she's trapped somewhere. It's not down the hall as often as it is up the stairs, around corners, etc. I wish they'd go back to banging on the ceiling with brooms and such to get my attention.

I should point out that the "our house, our rules/aw, crap, it's an adult now" dilemma has been ongoing in our family. I'm 26, and have lived out previously (for a semester, but hey) and attempted to find work, only to be sacked due to illness. If not for said illness, I think I'd have got through the weirdness of living out and been happily ensconced in a flat near CdM.

I am also not the one in the household who wakes up the sleeping people with her noise. I am, however, the one who goes downstairs to ask if that's Dad's computer or the neighbor making that noise. About the only time I commit a noise violation is bathtime, when I put the music on nice and loud and sing (it's therapeutic!). Always while people are awake and/or out of the house. Then it's truly a matter of "you must come and get me, and for goodness' sake knock".

If you can't hear an emergency siren (or any other noises outside your car), the music is TOO loud.

Oh, agreed. I need to be aware of my surroundings when I drive. Useful not only for sirens but, when one drives an aging car, telltale "Get me to the garage!" noises.

In your house you can make your own rules. A great deal depends on what people grew up doing or watching other people do.

Well, the shouting would've been impractical in my mother's house, given the divisions between sections -- it's an old German house with lots of plaster and heavy doors. What went on at Dad's I'm ill-inclined to ask. His norm involved beatings.

Point is, for me, that there are three of us. Adults. (So there are no minor children in the home who will feel slighted by different rules.) Our situation is neither my fault nor my choice. We've all got to get behind basic consideration of each other's needs, just like any other three adults who cohabit. Not, I realise, something many parents like to consider when they plan for their futures -- not something I wanted, either. But there you go. Sometimes life happens and we need to adapt.

[lovefromgirl]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

Youch!

That's hot!

Apparently American English has no standard spellings. It's all about the meaning.

So I lobbed a few less-than-complimentary Britishisms at him and blocked him.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl

I should point out that the "our house, our rules/aw, crap, it's an adult now" dilemma has been ongoing in our family. I'm 26, and have lived out previously (for a semester, but hey) and attempted to find work, only to be sacked due to illness. If not for said illness, I think I'd have got through the weirdness of living out and been happily ensconced in a flat near CdM.

Yes, your an adult, living rent free or with a greatly cheaper rent than you could get elsewhere (or why else would you be living with mom). When your the one paying the house payment and supporting others, you will understand the "my house, my rules". I see all too often, adult children living rent free with mom and dad, and expect to be treated like a rent paying boarder, but with all the perks of living at home (free food, free rent, mom clean up, mom cooking, etc). It's hard to go back to living with your parents when you've gotten used to living on your own. When my brother moved back home when he lost his job (recently after his divorce), he too struggled with my parents desire to know his schedule. He was used to coming and going as he pleased. However, they had a right to know if he was having friends over to THEIR house or if they needed to call the cops because someone was opening the front door at 2am.

Maybe a different approach with your mom would work? "Mom, I know you don't want to climb the stairs, but if I don't respond when you first call up, it's almost guaranteed, I can't hear you. No amount of yelling will change that. Please don't make yourself hoarse by screaming, but come and knock on my door to get my attention." This is a habit and habits are hard to break. Keep reminding her, but don't let your irritation show. She's not doing this to purposely irritate you.

American English has no standard spellings

What fun would that be, especially for those that like to make up words (or we are trying to spell sounds)

[lovefromgirl]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Yes, your an adult, living rent free or with a greatly cheaper rent than you could get elsewhere (or why else would you be living with mom).

Were SSI more plentiful, and easier to get, I wouldn't be. But I am trying to come 'round to your point of view and, from there, hers. Please be patient as I work through it!

I should begin by saying that I don't expect to support others for a long time to come. The only sensible way for me to be a parent is by adoption, and if it comes to that, adoption of an older child. I do pay the vet bills for the family pets; I pay my medical bills (they do pile up); if I add anything to the grocery bill, it's no more than $10 a week (which also piles up, yes).

I am capable of helping with chores provided I am doing them with someone else. My energy reserves, as far as physical activity goes, are lower than my parents', all things being equal. That said, I do try to get my dishes into the dishwasher, and I find I'm getting better with beds. I think what I need, in order to contribute on a housekeeping level, is an actual list of agreed-upon tasks. When something is my domain, I enjoy taking charge of it. I'm terrible at mopping and sweeping, but great with dishes. I'd like to resume my old one-load-a-day habit, laundry-wise, so if my parents would be willing, I could wash theirs with mine during the day. It's not so tough! Into the washer, into the dryer, folded and, if I can find a convenient place for it, ironed. I am going to learn how to darn holes; I already repair seams well by hand, and I look forward to trying out the slip stitch for certain hems.

I have been told not to interfere with the mail, so I take mine and leave the rest. I long to install a mail system of some kind for the household, even something as simple as baskets on a shelf.

When my brother moved back home when he lost his job (recently after his divorce), he too struggled with my parents desire to know his schedule. He was used to coming and going as he pleased. However, they had a right to know if he was having friends over to THEIR house or if they needed to call the cops because someone was opening the front door at 2am.

Oh, goodness, that is a reasonable desire on your parents' part. We have that sorted, at least. I wouldn't spring guests on roommates any more than I would my parents. We are still working out how to classify CdM after four years. I say he's family, Mum still thinks of him as a guest. I wonder how she will treat her sister when she comes to stay in a year? That'll be interesting.

I also know that my parents do care for my safety. I don't go out much, but when I do, I understand that they get fearful. I will never stop being their child on some level. My phone is always on, except when I've been an idiot and let the battery run down, as I did overnight. Oh, dear. Setting that to charge now.

Maybe a different approach with your mom would work? "Mom, I know you don't want to climb the stairs, but if I don't respond when you first call up, it's almost guaranteed, I can't hear you. No amount of yelling will change that. Please don't make yourself hoarse by screaming, but come and knock on my door to get my attention." This is a habit and habits are hard to break. Keep reminding her, but don't let your irritation show. She's not doing this to purposely irritate you.

So noted. I'll try harder. They love me. I love them. Working out new dynamics is frustration itself; I need to remember the part about not irritating each other on purpose. Mum is not waking me because she wants me sleep-deprived. She's waking me because she likes news with her coffee, only the TV is weird and complicated. Things like that.

Note to self: make troubleshooting guide?

[lovefromgirl]

Yes, my fellow secondaries, it is possible to have cute domestic moments with your partner even when you have separate households. His shirts won't fix themselves.

Mind you, I'm old-fashioned about sewing. I believe we should know how to do it. Even my mother can manage a few basic stitches, and she claims the knack missed her -- passed from her aunt to her sister to me. Of course, she used to know how to knit, and I never could. Crochet's more my speed. One implement plus hands, thank you!

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl

Note to self: make troubleshooting guide?

Great idea.

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl

Mind you, I'm old-fashioned about sewing. I believe we should know how to do it. Even my mother can manage a few basic stitches, and she claims the knack missed her -- passed from her aunt to her sister to me. Of course, she used to know how to knit, and I never could. Crochet's more my speed. One implement plus hands, thank you!

Me too, but I knit and don't like to crochet . I find this completely typical, you either do one or the other. Darning socks is easy, just takes patience. I don't bother with cotton socks I can get in bulk, but the boys expensive hiking socks most definitely. I find a "washable" sock yarn works best.