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Old 12-09-2009, 08:11 PM
refinnej refinnej is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: MA
Posts: 5
Default I think this is where I belong

I've been lurking here for a while and finally signed up yesterday. Reading everyones posts have really made me take a good hard look at my life and helped lots. I thought it was time to introduce myself.

Hi, I'm Jen. I am (almost) 36 years old and will be celebrating my 17th wedding anniversary next month. Yes, I was married foolishly young, but we've managed to make it work even when I didn't think I wanted to. We have 3 children, 16, 12 and 10 years old.

The thought of opening my marriage scares the crap out of me, but at the same time makes complete sense. My husband (R) and I don't have a history of being fantastic communicators. In fact, he doesn't even know I'm thinking of approaching him with this idea. R is bi-sexual. He is also a closet cross-dresser. These are things I did not know about when we got married. They caused hurt and confusion when he told me, but I love him and if this is who he is than i can accept them. I decided that just because I love and accept him doesn't mean I have to embrace everything about him. That is why I gave him "permission" to go out with a woman we both casually know who is transitioning male to female. He wanted someone to talk to about his wants and desires, and it was not a subject I felt I could help him with. I told him he was welcome to go out, have fun, if you "click"...go for it. Just be safe and tell me about it. (So I guess I've already opened my marriage ) They have gone out for drinks a couple of times, but that's all. R is a little dissapointed as I think he was looking for a deeper relationship, but that's not something he's shared with me.

I'll be honest, I'm not doing this all for him. There have been friends over the years that I have loved deeply. It always made me feel guilty. That if I was a good wife and loved my husband, I wouldn't be having these feelings, but the more I read here, that's just absurd. Why shouldn't I be allowed to feel and share those things with more than just R? I didn't love him less just because I loved someone else also.

When I came here I was looking for something. I wasn't sure what. I've poked through these forums and I've ordered several books on the subject which I am now reading. I think I have found an answer. I do not expect the next chapter to be a smooth ride, but I think it will be worth it.

The next step is to finnish these books and *gulp* approach R with the idea...wish me luck!
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