Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 08-20-2012, 01:03 PM
MzWiz MzWiz is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Eastern Canada
Posts: 22
Default DADT just ain't working for me....

He & I have been together going on 20 years, what was once hot & horny grew into a much deeper love. My previous experience included open relationships & swinging, which he didn't agree with, so we've been mono.
Over the years, life changes people, it has been a struggle at times to find commun ground, but we've always managed to recenter and move forward together.
Overall, our relationship is about "growth". We do our best to help each other experience life to it's fullest. Interested in fishing? Sure, let's see what fish are here, there, what lures, what gear, let's try this.... And if it's something more solo, or the other has no interest, that's ok too, we do our best, try not to judge and are as helpful as possible.
When we started, he knew I was what he considers "wild & free spirited" and he liked it, found it refreshing, and yes, we had sex/shared pleasures in ways/places he never imagined... which slowed down over the years, life took over.... about 5 years ago, sex became a quarterly bonus.... now, a yearly bonus. Yes, his mojo fizzled..... mine did not....
Twice I've negotiated the ability to get my needs met elsewhere, under a DADT agreement, and about a year back, I found someone whom has become very dear to me. I have no shared this news with him, my primary. And yes, somehow, my mojo for my primary remains.... which is why I'm here on poly.
So, here's my delema:
I love my primary, very much so. Despite the DADT, I know he would be hurt to know I have a secondary
My secondary, I care for him very deeply but we're still in NRE so hard to tell if it's real-real or just hormones
I don't want to hide/lie anymore.....
Not that I outright lie, but for me white lies can be just as bad as outright lies
This past weekend, my primary & I talked again, for the up-tenth time, in regards to "honey, I want you and need more" to which his reply is "I'm only getting older, it's going to get worse...."
Worse, worse than once per year......
He has said several times that he'll see a Dr but never has
I've been to multiple therapists, one medical Dr & one holistic Dr (seeking was to turn down my sexuality... without success unfortunately)
I love him, he is my best friend, my family....
But, as I voiced to him, darling, you leave me with few options:
Live my life in constant sexual/physical frustration
Undo 20 years of building, liquidating all we have & each go our separate ways
You see, the DADT he previously agreed to twice has now been forgotten
I fear if I mention it again, he'll ask questions, get hurt and verbal nastiness will follow
I'm at a loss as to what to do.....
Am I poly? Depends on your definition I suppose
From my perspective, I am
I don't think love is an exclusive thing, I think it's a growth thing, a way of expanding your inner self, and it doesn't have to include sex
I love my BFF, she & I have been like sisters for years & years, but I don't want to sleep/have sex with her (not that I haven't slept with women, I have and I've enjoyed it, it's simply that our relationship isn't sexual)
My primary has been hit on by other women, I'm ok with that, even encourage(d) his acceptance of the flirtations, flirt back, you never know....
As our physical/sexual interactions decreased, I've offered/opened up conversations on swinging, open relationships, offered to help him find and/or share in whichever fantasy he'd like.... Doesn't want it, prefers to keep as fantasy
What-to-do..... What-to-do.....
Talk? Yes we talk.... about anything & everything....
Now how do I get him to understand I love him but can't continue to live this way? (BTW: I've spoken this phrase to him more times than I can count)
That he's chosen to not action my needs/requests shows me he's not taking me seriously.... but putting the house up for sale seems a little drastic.... though it may be exactly what I need to do to wake him up.... but again, that's the wrong message, I don't want to break up, I want to live life to it's fullest is all... preferably keeping my primary
Any & all guidance/words of wisdom are most welcome
Thank you for listening
Reply With Quote

communication, dadt, don't ask don't tell, honesty, secrets

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:38 PM.