Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 08-19-2012, 08:14 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,944
Default

Yup.

My friends tell me same with online dating world they participate in.

A lot of struggle to sort the duds from the potentials.

I often wonder what sort of profile *I* would write.

I have to think about that.

GG
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-20-2012, 08:30 AM
km34 km34 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624
Default

I'm pretty sure half the guys on dating sites send the "whats up, how r u" type messages to women who specifically warn against it just to piss people off. It's humorous to many to be able to get a strong reaction from someone for such little effort.

I have to say, though, that you seem to be making as many if not more assumptions about this guy as you're postulating that he is making about you. It seems harsh. Telling someone in the first message that you aren't really looking for new relationships seems very much like telling someone in the first message that you are not interested in looking for dates, let alone a date with him.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-20-2012, 10:11 AM
persephone persephone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 68
Default

You are missing the context here. This guy did not write and say "I'd like to meet you" and got a "I'm not really looking right now" response. He wrote to ask me why I stayed on a site where there was so much bad dating behavior, and I told him it didn't bother me because I wasn't invested in an outcome of finding someone new.

The majority of poly people I know say they're not really looking. "Not looking" is not always the same as "closed to all new relationship possibilities." I haven't really "looked" for some of the relationships I've found. The last time I had just one partner, I was getting over someone and definitely not looking. I wasn't sure I should get involved with anyone because I was still so upset about the relationship that had ended. But I was certainly open to friends, and I made a friend, and over time he became much more than a friend.

I fail to see what assumptions I made about the guy I turned down. I know very little about him, but what I do know turned me off.

Maybe some of you men who think you're being rejected in these contexts should ask a few more questions before being sure of that.

Last edited by persephone; 08-20-2012 at 10:13 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-20-2012, 10:22 AM
zylya zylya is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Sussex, UK
Posts: 77
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by persephone View Post
You are missing the context here. This guy did not write and say "I'd like to meet you" and got a "I'm not really looking right now" response. He wrote to ask me why I stayed on a site where there was so much bad dating behavior, and I told him it didn't bother me because I wasn't invested in an outcome of finding someone new.

The majority of poly people I know say they're not really looking. "Not looking" is not always the same as "closed to all new relationship possibilities." I haven't really "looked" for some of the relationships I've found. The last time I had just one partner, I was getting over someone and definitely not looking. I wasn't sure I should get involved with anyone because I was still so upset about the relationship that had ended. But I was certainly open to friends, and I made a friend, and over time he became much more than a friend.

I fail to see what assumptions I made about the guy I turned down. I know very little about him, but what I do know turned me off.

Maybe some of you men who think you're being rejected in these contexts should ask a few more questions before being sure of that.
If we're missing the context it's because you didn't provide it... if you say on a dating site "I'm not really looking" then some people are going to interpret that as you're unavailable. Like I said, it sounded to me like a rejection, and to me it sounded like it was a rejection for him.

Your assumption was that his disappointment at (supposed) rejection was just patronising behaviour about how many partners are too many, when it seems to me (and others) that it was just an expression of disappointment at hearing that you were (in his understanding) unavailable.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 08-21-2012, 01:24 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 820
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I think many people also make 'statements' that are really questions that they don't want to ask out right. I can easily see someone 'saying' Your dance card is full, when they're really asking, "Is your dance card full, then? Are you interested in me?"

It's a soft approach, giving someone a chance for a graceful exit, a gentle excuse, rather than forcing them to say, "I'd love ten more boyfriends, but you, sir, would not be among them if there were only nine men left on Earth!"
I'd totally read it that way too. Men are so often hammered for being pushy, he was probably hoping you'd say your dance card wasn't full at all if you were interested.

That seems like an odd reason to rule somebody out - are you sure you weren't interested anyway so it seems like a good excuse?
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 08-21-2012, 01:39 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,574
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by persephone View Post
I just wanted to share a funny experience I had this morning. I received a very nice email from a well-spoken, attractive, local man... I also mentioned that I was in three relationships at present and didn't feel particularly pressured to find more partners. He replied, "Oh well, I guess your dance card is full, I'm out of luck, too bad!"

Now, had this person actually asked me more about my situation...
Why would he need to ask? If you really found him attractive, well spoken and with potential, all you would have had to say was, "I live with one, the other is LDR, and the 3rd is very busy, I actually have free time," and let him take it from there!

For all he knew, you had a date and a shag from each guy twice a week.

Attractive, available, well spoken guys who are interested in open relationships are rather thin on the ground around here. I'd not let one that get away without a test run! But that's just me.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-21-2012, 02:03 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I'd not let one that get away without a test run! But that's just me.
You should get the OP to PM you a link to that guy's profile. Something tells me he'd be better off with you than with her anyway.

But oh yeah - location. LOL
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-22-2012, 01:14 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by zylya View Post
Your assumption was that his disappointment at (supposed) rejection was just patronising behaviour about how many partners are too many, when it seems to me (and others) that it was just an expression of disappointment at hearing that you were (in his understanding) unavailable.
This. If I received a message saying somebody wasn't looking, I'd take that as an indication that she's not open for a new relationship.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 08-24-2012, 12:41 PM
Tise's Avatar
Tise Tise is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Northwesten WA
Posts: 13
Default

To play devils advocate, as a Female, I never read a Mans profile. I'd much rather learn about you and your lovestyle from you, not your profile. Maybe he's like me in that aspect...
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 08-26-2012, 05:20 PM
nllswing nllswing is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 48
Default Analysis

GalaGirl,

What a nice analysis. If more people thought like you, the world would be much easier place to live in (and date).
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
online dating, profile

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:17 PM.