Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 08-18-2012, 02:46 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,835
Default

Quote:
the problem is that I think that we are both right, and we are both wrong, at the same time.
Alright. HOW?

Your first post?

Quote:
I am in therapy trying to get over my jealousy/insecurity issues and most of it centers around not feeling loved/important in my relationship.
Maybe there is nothing to get over. It's not you feeling you are not loved/important in your rship. You just aren't loved or important. Plain and simple.


He ignores your wants, needs and limits
. This is not loving you. This is not feeling you are important to him. This is not providing emotionally security in the relationship.

It goes on and on -- including "a lot of terrible miserableness."

Maybe it isn't so much therapy that you need, hon, to be "ok" with him and his weird.

Maybe you just need to get rid of HIM. Save your therapy money. I get you are reluctant to do that, but look who is the one in therapy here. Just you? He's not interested in making any changes to anything. He's got things how he wants them.

Quote:
I feel like he is being a huge spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum since he can't get his way all the time.
See? Narcissistic brat wants his own way all the time.

I've said enough on him. On to YOU.

What would YOU like in terms of support here while you are making your decision? It is ultimately yours, but how can we best help you?

I do not know what you need or want here. A joke? A song? An ear? A story? What?

But I will say this to you -- you deserve better, you have worth, dignity and value as a human being.

I sincerely hope you situation improves.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-18-2012 at 02:49 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 08-18-2012, 02:51 AM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 70
Default

I think all I need is to be able to talk this through. I was mostly expecting the poly community to side with him and saying that I was imposing unfair "rules" on him, and that my jealousy/insecurity was my problem to deal with. To be fair, he has made a lot of concessions, but it has not been enough for me. It has been eye-opening to see that even other poly people think his expectations are unreasonable. Either that, or we are just incompatible. Both ways end the same though.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 08-18-2012, 03:11 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,835
Default

Then keep on talkin' it through as you sort yourself out. People will listen. Shooshing the insecure stuff on just you is a cop out. (My response in other thread on that cop out.)

He is not the world authority on poly. I am glad you are waking up to this fact. When you wrote...

Quote:
He thinks that if I am not interested in dating this girl, I am not behaving acceptably (within the framework of being poly) by ever saying no.
I snorted. And thought "Oh yah? I'd love to see a copy of THAT framework. Where is it? What made him the poly authority of the universe?"

Because in my world? In my framework? That would not fly. I do not have to date the people my DH dictates. I do agree to certain obvious off limit "messy" people -- I wouldn't want DH dating my mother, my father, my sister, my boss, minors, either! Those are obvious!

*shrug*

But my choices are my own. He cannot dictate them to me and yours cannot dictate to YOU either.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-18-2012 at 03:14 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 08-19-2012, 05:12 PM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 820
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
A couple clarifying points...

In terms of the limits, I know my list was ambiguous, I don't think it really makes sense to come up with a list a priori. It seems to me these decisions have to be made on a case by case basis, you know?
Somebody has probably said this by now but...no, making decisions on a case by case basis has a greater chance of you being seen as coming up with reasons to veto an individual. If you find reasons, especially different ones, to say no to a few different people, it will seem like you always say no, even if your reasons are perfectly valid to you and the majority of the world.

The agreements we have are a firm list, if one of us wants to date somebody who falls outside those parameters (co-workers, people who have no poly/open experience , people under a certain age range), then its up to us to say "I know this is on the list of off limits things/things that you're not comfortable with, can we negotiate this? It's perfectly fine to say no to that, but at least it keeps us aware of what the other person isn't OK with, and keeps us from getting too interested in somebody before making sure to check in.

I'll say there was a lot of discomfort on both our parts early on where we had vague agreements about what we weren't comfortable with (because we didn't want to be seen as telling each other what to do) so of course each of us were interested in people that highly stressed each other due to factors we hadn't pinned down.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 08-19-2012, 06:41 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,835
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnneInTheRain
The agreements we have are a firm list, if one of us wants to date somebody who falls outside those parameters (co-workers, people who have no poly/open experience , people under a certain age range), then its up to us to say "I know this is on the list of off limits things/things that you're not comfortable with, can we negotiate this? It's perfectly fine to say no to that, but at least it keeps us aware of what the other person isn't OK with, and keeps us from getting too interested in somebody before making sure to check in.
Thank you! That is a very nice neat way of expressing that. That's a take home nugget for me.

I appreciate it -- because I feel same but was struggling to articulate it as neatly.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-19-2012 at 06:44 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 08-19-2012, 07:27 PM
ultraviolet ultraviolet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 6
Default

Hi mostlyclueless. If your agreement is to date people together then I don't think you're being unreasonable to voice your opinion if you think someone wouldn't be compatible with you or a good fit for the relationship.

But you're right that you may never be poly enough for him. As it stands now it seems that's the case, so unless one of you changes or you both change a little to a middle ground, it will remain that way.

Have you tried communicating through writing and then reading what you wrote out loud to each other? I find that for sensitive conversations with the potential for argument, this is a good way to go. Writing allows you to choose your words carefully, express yourself fully. It ensures that the other person listens to everything you have to say before responding (and that you do the same for them). And by reading what you wrote out loud to each other, instead of sending it in email or IM or text, you get the benefit of full communication (body language, face expression, tone of voice). If there's any solution here it will require excellent communication.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:42 PM.