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  #1  
Old 08-19-2012, 04:29 PM
persephone persephone is offline
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Default "Your dance card is full"

I just wanted to share a funny experience I had this morning. I received a very nice email from a well-spoken, attractive, local man expressing frustration with bad dating behavior on a site we are both on. He asked me if I ever felt discouraged about finding partners. I wrote back and told him that I agreed that there were a lot of clueless and arrogant people out there, but I didn't worry too much about it because the site we are on is free and I had had some success meeting people there in the past. I also mentioned that I was in three relationships at present and didn't feel particularly pressured to find more partners. He replied, "Oh well, I guess your dance card is full, I'm out of luck, too bad!"

Now, had this person actually asked me more about my situation and available time, he would have found out that one of my partners is very long distance and I only see him four times a year, another is local but very, very busy and I don't even get to see him once a week sometimes, and I live with the third one. I could very easily have a fourth partner, if I found someone really special. But it didn't sit well with me that new guy decided for me that I had enough partners, so I will not be considering him as a potential new romantic interest, should he write again.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?
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  #2  
Old 08-19-2012, 05:05 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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I haven't, but I don't think I'd be too quick to write someone off. We're all guilty of making assumptions sometimes, and it doesn't seem like a very terrible one to make. I personally would just correct the assumption, if all else seems great about him, and see where things go.
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  #3  
Old 08-19-2012, 05:33 PM
persephone persephone is offline
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Nope, this is too big an assumption for me to get past. Deciding for me how many lovers is too many is just way too much paternalistic BS and doesn't bode well for any future with this guy, IMO. He did write back and tried to backpedal what he said, but I'm not going to pursue anything with him. The kind of man I want to be with doesn't make assumptions like that.
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Old 08-19-2012, 05:59 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Interesting.

I assume positive intent unless otherwise shown it isn't. From the posts alone I'm not seeing negative intent on his part.

So I perceive this as a soft pedal approach.

He inquired about your situation.

Quote:
I also mentioned that I was in three relationships at present and didn't feel particularly pressured to find more partners.
I would perceive this as you softly telling him you are "Closed at This Time."

Quote:
He replied, "Oh well, I guess your dance card is full, I'm out of luck, too bad!"
I perceive this as him expressing soft regret that it's not a match up. Not making any kind of judgement on you about how many lovers you want to have. Or maybe it is HIS limit on how many Metas HE wants to have. It doesn't have to be about limiting YOU.

Quote:
He did write back and tried to backpedal what he said...
I perceive this as him replaying the convo in his head and not satisfied that his soft pedal inquiry was not CLEAR clear and trying to get the clarify from you. Like "Wait a minute. Why is she even on a dating site then if she's Closed At This Time? Maybe I misunderstood and she's Seeking after all? I need to clear that up."

So I perceive this effort as "him trying to clarify" rather than "him trying to backpedal."

Quote:
...but I'm not going to pursue anything with him. The kind of man I want to be with doesn't make assumptions like that.
I wonder if you are assuming he assumes? Could that be possible?

Not that it matters with this one guy because you aren't feeling the spark there -- which is fine. Sometimes it is and sometimes it ain't.

But in general -- do you go into things assuming positive intent or negative intent? That colors the perception.

Maybe this is opportunity to freshen your profile to more clearly state what you are looking for? The type of men that don't make assumptions?


GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-19-2012 at 06:07 PM.
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  #5  
Old 08-19-2012, 06:18 PM
persephone persephone is offline
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Just because I don't feel pressured to find more partners, doesn't mean I'm closed to the possibility. If I was, I would have said that.

Boyfriend number 2 didn't assume that I was "all set" since I already had two partners, he asked questions about my availability and what I wanted in my relationships, and now we're a couple.

You raise interesting questions about positive versus negative intent. Basically, unless I know for a fact that the person is poly, I assume he's just trying to get laid, which doesn't generally interest me. I don't know if the person who wrote to me identifies as poly. He's certainly nonmonogamous and that's all I know. He's far nicer than the run of the mill bootycalling creeps who usually write to me, but that isn't saying much. I would have asked him more about his relationship styles if he didn't turn me off early on.
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  #6  
Old 08-19-2012, 06:35 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I know. It's like some of the creeps hear a woman is poly and they want to get laid ASAP because they assume poly means I'm a candy bar where just anyone can take a bite. My fav button is "Bi, poly and I STILL won't sleep with you!"

But it's hard to sift the wheat from the chaff.

Hence -- maybe it's time to freshen your profile? I want someone with hot ethics. Not hot pants. I know I say it all the time for myself : "Serious Jedi players only. No Muppet Show!"

I try to remain positive and not let myself get sucked into negative mode just because there is a lot of chaff at the moment. Humor helps me there.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-19-2012 at 06:37 PM.
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  #7  
Old 08-19-2012, 06:39 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post

I perceive this as him expressing soft regret that it's not a match up. Not making any kind of judgement on you about how many lovers you want to have.
I think many people also make 'statements' that are really questions that they don't want to ask out right. I can easily see someone 'saying' Your dance card is full, when they're really asking, "Is your dance card full, then? Are you interested in me?"

It's a soft approach, giving someone a chance for a graceful exit, a gentle excuse, rather than forcing them to say, "I'd love ten more boyfriends, but you, sir, would not be among them if there were only nine men left on Earth!"
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  #8  
Old 08-19-2012, 06:47 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
It's a soft approach, giving someone a chance for a graceful exit, a gentle excuse, rather than forcing them to say, "I'd love ten more boyfriends, but you, sir, would not be among them if there were only nine men left on Earth!"
ROTFL!

So needed that laugh today.

(Sadly, I've had to use variants of that at times -- some people are just so clueless/stupid/pushy.)

My, my!

GG
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  #9  
Old 08-19-2012, 07:40 PM
zylya zylya is offline
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As a guy, if I'd read your message, I would also have assumed that you weren't really looking for new people. His "dance card full, my bad luck" sounds to me like an expression of regret at hearing that you're not looking.
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  #10  
Old 08-19-2012, 07:45 PM
persephone persephone is offline
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GalaGirl, I often "freshen" my profiles. This is the first paragraph of the main online profile I use at present:

I am not here for casual sex. Nor do I ever indulge in any form of cybersex or phone sex. Yes, I am serious about this. Also, please note that I do not respond to opening emails that consist solely of "Hi" or "How are you?" Or worse yet, "how r u."

This is the last paragraph of that same profile:

Please don't bother contacting me:

If you're looking to cheat on your wife, fiancee, or live-in girlfriend
If you call total strangers "hun" or "sweetie"
If you interpret "polyamorous" as "sleeps with anyone who asks"

Guess how many people I hear from who are seeking casual sex, or seeking to cheat on their wives, or seeking phone or cybersex relationships, or who try to call me "hun" or "sweetie" in the first message, or who think I'm going to verbally commit to banging them on the first date before I even meet them? It's probably more than half the people I hear from, total.

Many men don't read even the first sentence of women's profiles, they just look at the pictures and then feel they are entitled to clog up their inboxes with BS emails. I could not be clearer in my profiles about what I want and do not want. But some men don't care about what women want, they only care about what they want. That's probably why they're online and desperately seeking booty in the first place.
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