Davis and I had a super rough conversation the night before last. Basically, it went like this, over the course of an hour or so after we'd gone to bed:
Him: You don't seem happy, is something wrong?
Me: I'm very happy sometimes when I'm with you, but other times I'm really not. I don't know what to do about it.
Him: I'm not happy very often, but you make me happy.
Me: Maybe you should get better at making yourself happy?
Him: You don't want me, this sucks. ;_;
Me: I need to be free to figure out what's best for me, but I don't feel like I truly am because I'm afraid you'll hurt yourself if I leave ;_; ;_; ;_; [gross sobbing]
Him: Ohmygosh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel trapped. I can hardly say I'd be fine if you left, but I wouldn't hurt myself.
Him: What now?
Me: I don't know. I'm here right now. Let's go to sleep.
The next evening: Great sex and cuddles, feelings of closeness and possessiveness.
The other day, in the car, I found myself thinking about my feelings for Eric, and the ongoing, minor background annoyance of not ever having told him how I feel. I wondered, for the millionth time, if I should talk to him about it, and I imagined how it might go.
Then I said to myself "Hey. It's not a secret. You haven't acted like it's a secret, you've never hidden it, even if you've never said it out loud. You feel it, so you act on it to the extent you can while respecting his desire not to date. Why does there need to be more, why does there need to be some awkward proclamation? If you ever feel like it's really the right moment -- which it never has so far, but let's say it does some day -- or if you just absolutely need to go for it, then fine, do it, say it. Because it's not a secret. From this moment on, I'm letting go of the illusion that it's ever been a secret."
It felt freeing, and overdue, even if it didn't actually change anything about the situation.
Then, the next day, Gia and I had a long talk online. I told her about my difficult conversation with Davis (as detailed above) and she gave me good advice about needing to accept him as he is if he and I are going to stay together.
She talked about feeling guilty about not having enough time to give to me or Eric, and how sometimes this makes her pull away from us more, and how she knows this is counterproductive and is trying to change it. She theorized that her excitement about Dexter came in part from a complete lack of expectations and guilt, and how this showed her all the more that she needs to let go of expectations/guilt in order to make the most of her time with the two partners she already has. Without going into detail, I told her a little bit about how hard it had been for me to see her excitement over him. It was good to get that off my chest.
Then I mentioned my lingering angst over not speaking to Eric about my feelings for him. I also explained that, at the same time, I'm not even sure whether being in love with him is "real" or if it's sort of an artifact of physical intimacy and of thinking of the three of them as family (I actually finally said that I think of them as family!!). "But hey," I said, "it's not like I've been hiding it, it's gotta be obvious, right?" She said that he's "not unaware" of how I feel, and that he has "no problem with it" while also having "no desire to develop it". Huh. She said that she didn't like trying to express his feelings on his behalf, but at the same time knew that he was very unlikely to choose to express them himself.
Funny timing. Here I'd finally told myself that it wasn't a secret, only to have it confirmed that, indeed, it's not. It makes me feel better, to know that if I DO say something, he won't be surprised or unhappy. At the same time, I feel so exposed, it feels so unbalanced for me to feel this way and for him to merely accept it. And yet I'm so grateful to him for just accepting it and being cool about it. I *hate* the way it aches sometimes when I look at him. And yet I'm so glad just to be in their lives, him included, I dislike the idea of loving Gia separately from loving the rest of her life and the family she's built, which is the only way I could concretely divorce myself from this stupid unrequited silliness.
Confusing. :[ :[
So much unpacked in that one conversation! I might still ask her exactly how she knows that Eric knows that I feel for him as more than a friend (did she bring it up? did he? so curious!), or I might leave it be.
I've really gotta try to process less and try to just *be* more...
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Last edited by AnnabelMore; 08-19-2012 at 05:47 AM.
|bisexual, boundaries, mono/poly, pregnancy, secondary, unrequited, vee|