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  #11  
Old 08-17-2012, 08:22 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
I disagree!

He may not be full of shit, but he's definitely NOT poly.

Poly is about loving, open, and (sometimes) committed relationships - it is one form of responsible non-monogamy. I'm not really hearing any of that here. He's being far from open about his other relationships with you and this "I don't want to set any expectations" is garbage - why the hell not? Telling you after the fact is not being open. Telling you only when you (by accident) find out isn't being open.
Fair enough, but what about polyamorous as an orientation and not a relationship model? BEING poly and ACTING poly are two very different things IMO.

Personal feelings towards the use of the word, though, so I think it depends on which meaning of the word you are using. I meant it as a "he may be innately poly" way not a "he's in poly relationships" way.

Semantics, I know, and I apologize for ignoring the real problem at hand for a moment.

I totally agree with everyone, though. The guy is lying, irresponsible, and not worth your time. Chalk this up to a learning experience, get tested now and in a few months, and find someone who actually prioritizes openness and honesty in relationships.
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  #12  
Old 08-17-2012, 08:26 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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I mentioned gonorrhea earlier in this thread. I just found this poster. It made me laugh.



You can't beat the axis if you've got VD!
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Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #13  
Old 08-17-2012, 09:00 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
I disagree!

He may not be full of shit, but he's definitely NOT poly..
This is what I am thinking, too. He insists he's poly and has read numerous books about it, but whatever he practices -- whatever it is -- does not feel poly. It just feels dodgy.

I agree that poly is about loving, open, and (sometimes) committed relationships - it is one form of responsible non-monogamy. I SO AGREE WITH THIS. He says he does, too, but every single time I catch him in one of his pursuits/conquests, he makes me feel like I'm the crazy one... that what he is doing is poly. That he isn't doing anything wrong. That what he is doing is HEALTHY.

Now I am just realizing that this guy needs to run for office because he is damn good at selling himself.

Here I am thinking I'm the older, wiser, worldlier one... instead, I'm duped.

I really do appreciate the feedback. Reading all your insights is making me feel less crazy and more confident that I am not in the wrong.
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  #14  
Old 08-17-2012, 09:01 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
. "I don't want to sex expectations" is the same as saying, "I don't want to be honest with you, so I'm avoiding things and leading you on."
I couldn't have worded that any better...
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  #15  
Old 08-17-2012, 09:02 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Personal feelings towards the use of the word, though, so I think it depends on which meaning of the word you are using. I meant it as a "he may be innately poly" way not a "he's in poly relationships" way.

Semantics, I know, and I apologize for ignoring the real problem at hand for a moment.

I totally agree with everyone, though. The guy is lying, irresponsible, and not worth your time. Chalk this up to a learning experience, get tested now and in a few months, and find someone who actually prioritizes openness and honesty in relationships.
I agree. I do believe this guy is convinced he is poly. I don't doubt that one bit. His actions, however, are questionable.

I am thinking of how to end this without leaving a trail of bitterness and misery. Any suggestions?
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  #16  
Old 08-17-2012, 10:31 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TornHeart View Post
I am thinking of how to end this without leaving a trail of bitterness and misery. Any suggestions?
Well, you can't control whether he gets bitter and miserable, but you can control whether you have to put up with it! A clean break with no contact after sounds like a good idea.
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  #17  
Old 08-17-2012, 10:51 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I have no problem telling you shit ahead of time but not sure if we want to set that expectation.
Um... why not? He doesn't want to be held accountable? He doesn't want to have to think ahead? Just not an ethical person.

I'm sorry you have gone through all this. I hope you test clean. That's got to be nerve wracking.

But please from here on out -- use condoms/barriers at ALL times until the person proves trustworthy / honest enough to go bare / fluid bond! That short of a time is really not enough as you can see.

Quote:
I am thinking of how to end this without leaving a trail of bitterness and misery. Any suggestions?
Just own it and be up front. Fast and clean. It's going to suck, but better to get it over than drag it on and on. Breaking up stinks but it stinks less than endless suckage at the hands of a liar.

Call and tell him you are over.

"We are broken up. I have asked you repeatedly to just tell me up front. I made the mistake of trusting you and going bareback in sex. Now I have to deal with testing and worry. You are not honest. You do not care about my well being -- mental, emotional, physical or spiritual. I don't need to be involved with a dishonest person. We are over. Goodbye."

There. Done.

You can find a much better person to date than this nonsense.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-17-2012 at 10:54 PM.
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  #18  
Old 08-18-2012, 01:44 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TornHeart View Post
I am thinking of how to end this without leaving a trail of bitterness and misery. Any suggestions?
I don't understand what would create a "trail" of bitterness and misery. Why would ending a relationship do that, unless it dragged on and on? Just end it. His reaction is not your responsibility.

I would just say, "This isn't really working for me. I wish you well and hope you find happiness, but it's over between us. Please respect my wishes and don't contact me anymore." If he wants a reason, you could just tell him that you need to be with someone who is comfortable with being totally honest and isn't so cavalier about risking your health the way he did, and that the way he does poly isn't a good fit for you.

If you think he might try to convince you otherwise just tell him you've made up your mind. If you need a way to stay strong, if you have blocking capability on your phone, then use it.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-18-2012 at 01:56 AM.
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  #19  
Old 08-18-2012, 04:39 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I too got shocked by the "don't want to set that expectation". What expectation? The expectation of honesty that he agreed with at the beginning but then never delivered on?
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  #20  
Old 08-18-2012, 02:16 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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So, last night, I see him and his highschool friend at the bar where we met exactly three months ago.

Long story short, and loaded with liquid courage, I came up to him and asked if we could talk. She comes, too.

I ask him why he didn't tell me she was coming for the weekend. He says I'm being confrontational, which I was... and I know in hindsight I shouldn't have been... but she stops him and says, "Let her finish."

I tell him I would have understood and wished them both a good weekend if he had the courtesy of telling me. He said he didn't' see a point to telling me because he wasn't even sure if they were having sex. I laugh. I tell them both, "If you're sleeping in the same bed... you're having sex." His friend actually smiles and nods yes. If circumstances were different, I would have loved to befriend this girl.. she was really nice. She looks at him and asks, "Why didn't you tell her? It's a big deal for someone to come over and spend the weekend with you." He mumbles something I don't comprehend.

I tell him I'm done. I tell her thank you for understanding. After all, this isn't her fault. I feel like crying, she hugs me. She said she will talk to him when he is sober but that she understood where I was coming from. I say goodbye.
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