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  #21  
Old 08-15-2012, 07:36 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Sometimes I wish my mind worked like yours (or, at least, my wife's mind). It would be awesome if we could check in like this and have conversations and use metaphors and get past difficult conversations this way.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with how I think or how my wife thinks. It's just... not this way. And this way is very, very unique. I know I can learn it, but it's not how my mind naturally works and my brain is reluctant to use new experiences. I started parking in a new spot two months ago at work. I've walked half way to the old spot every single day before realizing I wasn't going to the right spot. They are not close to each other. Not even a little bit.
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #22  
Old 08-15-2012, 08:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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See, and I just park in the same spots because my head is usually too busy chasing the shiny things in there to bother with mundane things like where I park my car. If I lose it I just wander around dinking my beeper keychain til the car beeps back at me. LOL.

When I was younger I did not realize I am not a linear thinker. I am multi-linear. Maybe even web-like. And this would throw other people at times when I try to talk to them and we'd both get frustrated.

Now that I'm older and know this about myself, I can disconnect some lines to simplify and strengthen the signal. One must broadcast in a way that a receiver can pick it up or it's as useless info as not broadcasting at all.

But I like running all channels full blast. It's fun to me when I have people I can do that with. DH is one of those people.

GalaGirl
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  #23  
Old 08-17-2012, 12:14 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ON WORRYING VS JUST SPITTING IT OUT

(Excerpt from this thread.)

Sometimes the fear of anticipation is worse than just moving on to action/realization.

I sometimes find myself what iffing too much and getting all tempest in a teapot -- I've gotten better at just checking out of that head trip. And speaking up or acting instead to get what I need to know KNOWN rather than worrying or wondering about it.

But I totally know where that comes from. BTDT.

Quote:
Quote:
I'm just not good at relationships in general. I have been with my husband since I was 18 years old, so I'm far from experienced.
At what? Being in relationship? Obviously you have a strong runner in the married one. You do fine.

Quote:
I'm used to being completely open and honest with no secrets.
Sounds like a sane plan.


Quote:
I'm not comfortable enough in our relationship yet to ask for reassurance when I need it, because I don't want to be needy and insecure, although I am happy to give it to him when he needs it.
You make no sense because you are in a fluster. Calm down, breathe, BREATHE. Then?

Consider flipping this around in this order. It is not "because I don't want to be needy and insecure." You ARE feeling that. You are that right now. Put that FIRST.

1 "I AM feeling needy and insecure."


We cannot help what we feel when we feel it. We don't even get to choose when to feel it. It just is. Emotional weather. Rain is rain, wind is wind. Emotion is emotion. We DO get to choose how to behave in response. You can choose to REACT to emotion or ACT WITH INTENT. What did you pick?

2) So far you have chosen to stay silent.
How's that working for relieving your insecure emotions? Nope. Not good solution. Conclusion? "To feel better, I need reassurance from my new partner." So what is problem in getting reassurance then?

3) "I do not feel comfortable enough in our relationship yet" to do that.

Why not?

Spit it out. You GET comfortable by DOING. Speak up. Can you do that? Sure you can. Why? Because you are used to being completely open and honest with no secrets. That isn't a bad way to be. It's a good way. And I think you feel extra weird because you aren't doing it here. Get on with doing it.

In my world? It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to the relationship to know and state your wants, needs, limits. Your partner has the RIGHT to clear communication. Own your end of the sticks, please. He cannot mind reader you. Speak up.

4) "I don't feel secure enough; what if I ask him for what I want, and it makes him uncomfortable?"

So he has some emotional weather. So what? Rain is rain. Wind is wind. Emotion is emotion. Let it blow on through. We're all grown ups. Felt many kinds of things before. You hold your own bag, he holds his.

His responsibility to YOU is to report his internal weather because YOU have the right to clear communication. So you tell him you expect him to know and state his wants, needs and limits so you can learn about him. But you are not a mind reader. Speak up, dude!

That's why this is dating. With older partners you can usually get it in the ballpark by taking a stab in the dark because they are older partners and you know the whole arena. With new partners, you have to be given the tour of the floorplan. Get on with the tour.

It will help you BOTH grow more comfortable and feel better too.


Quote:
And I just don't know how to deal with my feelings of jealousy and fear of being dumped. Those are very negative emotions and I don't want them in my life.
Emotion is emotion, hon. Are you planning to be dead? I joke just to try to get you to laugh because you seem down.

But I'm serious about this part -- Emotion is just Life Stuff. It doesn't have to be the end of the world, esp when we do not get to choose when we feel what we feel! We only get to choose how to respond to the emotion -- chose to react or act.

What are these fears speaking to then? Where you think "OMG! What if I get dumped!" and you go on a chain reaction of what-iffing yourself to a tizz? Is it just new rship jitters? That he's into kink and you are not? So? Do you have to be joined at the hip?

That you don't know how things work here yet with him and emotional things or conflict resolution? Is your new partner shirking on his reporting? Are you having to mindreader?

Is it that you might feel yucky someday? Have you never in your life felt yucky? It's can be hard to feel, but a broken heart still keeps on beating. World still turns. Why miss on out on savoring the yummy today for uncertainty in future that is not here? What if you have yummy in future and missed today's yummy for nothing!?

Is it something else this fear is speaking to? What?

Some partners are for life, some for a reason, some for a season. I was very heartbroken when my OSO faded from my life, even if it WAS a great way to fade and really gracefully and I could not have asked for a better ending. That man taught me grace, class. He had style, and he had the ability for compersion in spades.

But because it was fresh wound, I hurt. That is not unreasonable to expect in such a time even if it was the RIGHT THING to happen then. That I learned from my DH. "I am upset. I do not find this unreasonable to feel at this time. I love you. I do not love THIS. And we will deal." He has a capacity for clear emotional management that I admire and continue to learn from.

In time, I healed. OSO has become a lovely experience and memory, which I'm glad I took the risk for and look back on fondly. My heart grew then, and remains full from having enjoyed that. He was a good man. I am grateful our paths in Life crossed for a few years.

But I believe all relationships come with a clock attached just as John Cleese puts it. My DH? We're counting on decades here and one day that too will end. I hope when one of us dies, and hopefully dies in peace in elder years, and we're prepared. Nobody can ask for a smoother end of a marriage than that. An older friend just lost her DH in older years and they were a fantastic couple. She's handling it well, and he passed peacefully. I envy this, I hope our own story plays out similar.

So... what's the freakout over breaking up or things coming to an end? If you are worried that it could end UGLY -- well, make an agreement for how you prefer it to end when it ends. Talk to your partner to assuage your worries. Take the bull by the horns.

Worrying when you could be talking and sorting it out and moving on to the feeling better place instead makes no sense. Why stay at the worry place?

And worrying excessively is like praying for what you do NOT want.


Takes a toll on mental health/stess levels.

Hang in there! But the choice to stay silent is not working for ya, so just try another tack and be OK with yourself being a learner of this new person. It is a new relationship and agree to assume good intent with each other as you learn the ride. Everyone falls off a bike several times before they get the hang of it, right? BREATHE.

You ARE good at relationships. See that husband person? You just haven't played ball in a new arena for a while. No big. You DO know how to play ball.

So... play ball!
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  #24  
Old 08-18-2012, 03:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ON ABUSE

Today has been an exercise in frustration.

I just want to take my brain off the hook, but I can't stop worrying about a friend who is in a bad situation. I really can't out my friend's problems either. But it all leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Then I read things online here that just trigger me. It's not anyone's fault on this forum -- I'm just having a rough time digesting what was revealed in my real life offline. I've done what I can to help, ethically and morally. It's the waiting time. I can do no further.

Both men and women can end up in bad situations where they suffer mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual abuse.

I wish I didn't have to post the link to Speak Out Loud so often.

Especially the tactics list.

But if anyone reading my thread needs to know those, there they are.

If one can make a safe plan, hooray.

If one cannot manage better, call 911 and check oneself in to hospital to get evaluated. Safe there, and hopefully placed in shelter. Alive. Better alive with mega bills than dead.

I just wouldn't wish abuse of ANY kind on any body.

Disgusts me that people would hurt others so. In the name of "love" -- that's for crap.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-18-2012 at 03:03 AM.
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  #25  
Old 08-18-2012, 03:21 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ON CONFLICT RESOLUTION: THE BREAKING DOWN OF THE ELEPHANT

Ugh. I hate the cop out. I rather have a partner who will WORK with me on issues. Dislike emotional weenies. From the framework of my universe? That's pings ALL my rights. So I'm calling them! I have the right to
  • Clear communication
  • Expect support from partner
  • Be nurtured
  • Get your needs met
  • Responsiveness
  • Constructive feedback
  • Constructive conflict resolution

No playing Mr. or Miss Avoidy! Or Mr. or Ms. Shoosh It All On Me.

You have agreed to uphold the responsibilities of
  • Following through on promises
  • Caring for your own and your partner's health: in mind, heart, body, soul.
  • Emergency preparedness

So we take it to the mat, buddy. Break down the fucking elephant and everyone owns a piece of it. Whether or not you like elephants. In service to the greater polyship. Because do you love your polypeeps or NOT? There could be different styles of conflict resolution personalities or techniques for HOW to have the talk.

But there is no denying the elephant is there and needs breaking down. Period. Being in relationship is sharing both the joys and burdens. Not just the fun happy clappies.

Who needs fair weather relationship-ers who do the avoidy dance? Sheesh. Bad enough in a monoamorous situation. But in polyamorous? Ugh. Go away. Do not play here. Shoo. Serious applicants only. Sigh.

-------------------------------
(Exerpt from this thread.)

Quote:
Quote:
I struggle with the whole bag idea. What belongs to your own bag vs. what is in that of others? Is there something that is not in anyone's bag, but sort of hangs between / outside? I hear a lot of "be responsible for your own feelings" etc. but it seems like this is sometimes abused in the sense of, "Well, if you have any negative feelings about something I did, that's your problem." Any thoughts on that, or recommended reading?
That is a cop out in bold.

No, it is OUR problem. We must sit down to talk it over and DISCERN where to park it. If you punch me in the face at dinner and I want to eat dinner in peace with you, we must talk about this face punching. Can't you punch a pillow? Then you get to punch and I still get to be with you for dinner unpunched and yay! We can still be in right relationship to each other. All win with the happy medium solution! Cupcakes for all!

In my play book, I am responsible for my own and my partner(s) safety in all the buckets : mind, body, heart, and soul.

If I hurt a partner by mistake in mind, body, heart or soul? And they feel negative? They have the responsibility to REPORT THIS. I am not a mind reader.

Upon hearing this, I must at least acknowledge the hurt. Say I am sorry they are hurt. I see/hear they did their job of weather reporting. Thank you. (Because I have the right to clear communication, feedback. They have the right to support, nurture.)

Then we must enter the Area of Discernment / Conflict Resolution. And agree to appointment for that.


Is this just an announcement thing? You hate my polka dot socks? Alright. Thanks. Hate em. I like them. So mote it be. We can agree to disagree there. I will hide them when you are around but I am not throwing them out.

Is this a conflict thing that cannot be let go?
Requires more? Alright. Take it to the negotiation mat!
  • Is it a hurt I can avoid doing again? Did I do it on purpose or not?
  • Is it a hurt that could happen without my control?
  • Is it even reasonable expectation of me?
  • How would we deal with it should it come up? Everyone pony up ideas.
  • If it creates conflict again despite new solution trying, what is our next conflict resolution plan?


Stuff like that needs acknowledgement. That is why it is called "the overlapping area of discernment" to me -- there's this THING here. Who will own it then? Cause it is THERE. Cannot pretend not to see. Cannot sweep under rug. We can TRIP on that. Let us discern then, who will own which parts? TOGETHER. With intention.

What bag gets what if we break it down into bits? Because an elephant in the room is one for ALL to carry and be aware of. Many hands make lighter work. In service to the greater polyship relationship of all parties, even if you do not LOVE elephants ? You may have to hold the trunk of the elephant in your bag. I may have to carry the tail. Other partner may take an ear. Because we love each other. If this polyship we choose to be in? This too we must choose to do. We pay the price of admission.

Or we can choose to leave this polyship with grace because the other players are no longer up for sharing the joys and burdens of it. Fair enough. Disband as friends.

Because if we want to stay in right relationship to each other in all stages of it? While moving it from friendship to fly the polyship, while inside the polyship configuration we agreed to, when landing the polyship back to earth and moving out of it when the relationship ends?

We want to nip it in the BUD and not let it fester into pus infection in the system.

It is lame
and a cop out not to address this just because nobody wants to be the first to crack it open, break the elephant down to manageable sizes and own some of that elephant! It is lame to fob off your own behavior causing someone pain without stopping to see WHY the pain is being caused and if it is reasonable to adjust a bit so your loved one is less pained.

That sort of polyship is doomed before it even takes flight if the players are not willing to play fair and play well while learning to love each other as best as possible. That sets up a skewed dynamic where someone is bound to get shafted. Ugh.

HTH!
GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-18-2012 at 03:38 AM.
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  #26  
Old 08-18-2012, 11:38 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ON CONFLICT RESOLUTION: THE VALUE OF OBEYING YOUR OWN LIMIT

I don't mind stretching wings. Or stepping outside my comfort zone in order to grow a bit. Or agreeing to wing it, if I have established my partner in crime "wings it" well and shoulders some of the burden and not just shooshes it all on to me if things do not work out like we thought.

But doing something that compromises my integrity? I have a hard time with that.

I want to be with someone who wants to work with me, negotiate with me, treat me well and like a person of value. Where my wants, needs, and limits are heard and respected.

That could be a deal breaker there -- pressuring me into compromising myself / integrity / beliefs/ values. I have high standards for ethics and playing fair. I can't see me just abandoning them or letting go of Hard Limits.

I have to think about that some more. But I don't think it is effective conflict resolution for me to just go against core values that I own. I am willing to listen. I could change my mind based on the case presented completely or give an exception to the rule. I may even have a deep paradigm shift and change a belief entirely!

But that's going to happen AFTER discussion and a case was presented to me fairly. NOT BEFORE. And not just because you SAY so and I must just change to suit you just because you say so!

GG
-----------
(Part 2 : Excerpt from this thread.)

Quote:
That's interesting. I didn't see this as an attraction to angry people. She's not having a cow thing with Craig.

I see this as people who do not have good conflict resolution skills. And people who are struggling to play like honorable Star Wars Jedi together. (BOTH)

I see some use of the word "incompatible" where I would use "conflict." DH and I are very compatible. We are not conflict free. It is HOW we navigate through areas of discernment/conflict resolution that make us great together. Not that we are conflict FREE. Who is THAT? Dead people? (I joke to keep it light.)


Quote:
Given that, if I get into a similar model in the future, I would want better agreements in place as to what the desired trajectory is and what we will do in various scenarios. Ted wasn't willing to work through that with me; he claimed that there were too many unknowns and situations that could not be foreseen, and that we should just play it by ear. I was uncomfortable with that, but agreed to go along with that since he refused to do otherwise.
See? You felt uncomfortable. You ignored YOUR OWN LIMIT.

Then all this happened. And now you have learned the value of obeying YOUR OWN LIMIT and not moving something forward despite misgivings. That stuff bites you in the ass later. (I mean this kindly, not judge-y at all.)

I also see this -- Ted NOT OWNING HIS BAGGAGE. He does not clearly KNOW and state his own wants, needs, and limits. Ted was witholding information -- it is a lie of omission. Not expressing feelings or what their internal weather is like right now. Expecting mind reader-ing. Then playing Mr Avoidy? Then playing Mr Resenty? (All unspoken until he blows? Yargh.)

Ok, you could have listened to your own gut that was sending you a LIMIT flag. But HE was not being honest with himself about his own limits/fears. Did not own his responsibility to REPORT. Could have just spit it out to you "Baby, no way, Jose! I do NOT want to open. Not now, ever. That is MY hard limit. It is not a soft limit that can be negotiated over time!"

Ted doesn't sound like he knew himself well. Well, that is over.

Do your work to know YOU better.

There is no way you can predict every possible scenario that happens in a polyship. You can try to get a few common ones down. But better still is to agree to your rights and responsibilities for how you agree to be together in polyship. That's how I roll. Clear enough, but flexible enough.

When we hit an area of discernment/conflict resolution place? I go with something like this. Everyone owns a piece of the proverbial elephant in the room.

Then Life can carry on mostly alright at the happy medium most of the time. Yay. Cupcakes for all!

*hugs* I know you hurt. Remember to breathe.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-19-2012 at 12:45 AM.
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  #27  
Old 08-18-2012, 11:47 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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CONFLICT RESOLUTION: ON HUMOR IN THE COPING TOOLBOX

(Part 3: Two short excerpts from the end of this thead.)

---------------

Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Not that we are conflict FREE. Who is THAT? Dead people? (I joke to keep it light.)
Hi Galagirl - You gave me a belly laugh with this. I'm picturing you at a party. You're lighting off fireworks to have fun and keep it light, and you accidentally burn the place down. Oops, I thought my aim was better than that! Better luck next time! Hey, Jedi Warrior over there, is there another party around here somewhere - after all, practice makes perfect, right?

Were both saying the very same thing. You're saying it in your own charming way. At least we're having some fun and hopefully helping a few people along the way.

Thanks for the laugh. Your sense of humor helps to keep the heavy stuff light. Hugs to you - snowmelt

---------

Quote:
Amused you are amused.

Yes, having different perspectives on the same issue can help the OP.

I go for humor every time -- because that helps me. And it's true that laughter can set off the brain cascade of feel goods.

It's a good tool to have in the emotional coping toolbox we all carry for handling hard Dark times and moving on through them into the Light again.

GG
I love funny stuff. It makes people feel good. But it has to be funny stuff at the right time and place. It has no place trying to supplant serious discussion. It would make me feel like my wants, needs, limits are being blown off. Or that I am being pooh-poohed or dismissed or undervalued. Or that the person was trying to change the subject and be avoidy.

Punctuate a serious discussion with dry wit an humor -- that I can appreciate! Because the serious discussion still moves forward. And with flair! But it is cheating to try to avoid discussion entirely with a joke so you can shove it under the rug.

AFTER the big talk thing? I love a laugh -- celebrate having navigated a tough conversation. Hooray!

I get mad, get tense in negotiation, then I want to laugh and relax when it is over. If partner can take all that? Serious when it is time to be serious and fun when it is time to be fun? I start to feel aroused because of the mental and emotional intimacy just experienced and then I want the body intimacy to come online too.

*Rrrrrooowlll!*

I remember DH trying to learn this about me and the breakthrough moment when we were having a heated argument. I don't even remember what it was about now -- it was at our first apartment living together. I do remember being startled that it started with me being all hot headed frustrated and then he got all hot head and launched into some diatribe about why he hates having to be Mr Reasonable all the time and how sometimes HE feels like a nutjob.

I recall being torn between several distinct feelings.
  • Wait! This was MY stage and freak show -- I was the one having a tantrum here! He's not supposed to take center stage!
  • Wait! This is a break through moment for him and for me in understanding where he's coming from. Hooray! I've been waiting for this one for AGES!
  • Wait! He's being a hot head! He's speaking my language that I understand! Hooray! I know THIS. I totally do not understand Cool and Collected Land. But this game I get and I play well. Hooray! I needled him and he broke! Haha! I win!

I remember him rattling on with punctuated bits from me like "See? Why can't you just SAY that to me outright more often?" or "Well... spit it OUT! I'm not a mindreader!"

I remember handing him kleenex and sitting on the floor leaning against our bed stroking his hair and he was upset and crying and yelling and I don't know what. Some strange torrent of many pent up feelings from all over the map came pouring out of him. I was mad he'd stolen my stage, but I couldn't STAY mad when he was letting loose so many old burdens.

We never arrived at some kind of neat and pat conclusion. We did arrive at greater understanding of how the other one functions/thinks and two very different styles of personalities. And that felt satisfying and like the argument served some greater purpose and while messy, had been worthwhile to have.

The next thing that happened? He grabbed me up in a passionate kiss and I bit his lip and snaked my leg around his hip and the next thing I knew I was laughing flat on my back on our bed while he frantically was peeling his own and my clothes off. He got impatient and just grabbed my panties and literally ripped them off me and I did not care. He pounced, I responded eagerly. It was a feeling that was hard to describe other than I didn't know where I ended and he began. Like I was some Animal that finally picked up the scent of their Mate and was staking a claim. Maybe that was the first fusion point of Double Helix Life Thread beginning to spin?

We rolled around all over the place being Wild Things. When we finally came back to Earth I grinned at him.

"See? Told ya. It's very easy for me to go from mad to horny. Passion is passion."

"Yes, I see. My god. I get it now but I don't see how you can stand to do it at that high a volume all the time. You are going to kill me one day."

"Haha. I'm doing my best. Hungry. Dinner?"

"Yeah. Let's."

We stood on the bed to survey the ruined messy bedroom and carefully picked our way out. We went out to dinner and cleaned things up later on. It was a shambles. I saved those broken panties for years before they finally got tossed. We were 20 and 21 back then.

Most of our heated arguments were from that time in the first apartment because we were just first learning (as all couples do) how to fight fair and deal in conflict resolution effectively. How to hold tempers and frustrations in check. How to deal with the emotional flooding well.

These days there's intense discussion, but there isn't the drama of youth.

It still makes me laugh to look back though.

It still makes me laugh today when we have some intense conversation or crazy lovemaking and he shakes his head and goes "I'm such a dead man. You are going to kill me one day."

I usually reply "Yep. I'm workin' on it. And I warned you."

He grins and goes something like "Yes, I know. And I still signed up. Crazy me."

Oh, how I love when he laughs! We're both such suckers for that -- when the laugh or the smile goes to the eyes! That damn twinkly thing. Yum.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-19-2012 at 12:30 AM.
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  #28  
Old 08-22-2012, 07:27 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ON STATING, NEGOTIATING, AND RESPECTING LIMITS: PEEKS FROM PARENT LAND

I am out of breath.

I just had a play fight of tickles and bedding with the kid.

She reminded me I promised to lay down and "nap in the big bed" but that's her latest euphemism for "fool around in the big bed" which was the other euphemism for "C'mon, Mom! Let's tickle and horse around and scream!"

Which I do not always like to give her because she gets carried away and it hurts if she punches me too hard. She's very strong for being so small!

But I'm the parent and I'm trying to teach several things here.
  • Self discipline.
  • Asking nicely.
  • Negotiate fairly.
  • Stating limits.
  • Respect limits.

When the teachable moment comes, you have to just PICK ONE THING to focus on.

We teach others how we want to be treated, but it's never a one time lesson. Not even in dating. That's why you date for a long while before making serious commitments. Have to pass and repass same ground a few times to make sure person completes the base tour and can pass flying tests before launching a major mission.

I asked for her buckets when she got in and she rolled her eyes and told me her mind is good, her heart is good, her body wants a "nap", and her soul is happy. I pressed for details and she was too distracted.

She always comes home with pent up energies so I decided to grant the tickle fight she craves but was still trying to find the lesson to revisit and reinforce. It sure wasn't going to be bucket checks or any major negotiation because she was much too hyper.

I have to know the material I work with here and what is reasonable to ask and and when. The reality check on my expectations.

So it was going to be setting a limit / respect a limit then as the brief lesson.

Kid: Yay! Let's go to the big bed!

Me: Only 5 minutes.

Kid: You promised Monday to do it for a long time!

Me: I do not remember, I am sorry. I'm willing to do that tomorrow if you help me remember because my brain is too full to hold things. And Monday you did not make a note to stick on the fridge to hold me accountable like I ask you to do when Mommy is scatterbrained. If you make me one today I will sign it to help keep me honest. For today I can give 5 minutes, to hold you until you make me an IOU to sign for a bigger thing.

(Swear to God I'm surely suffering early menopause freakin' brain farts or its my meds... must ask endoc).

Kid: Alright. 5 min.

Me: Are we agreed?

Kid: Sure!

Me: I'm watching the clock! It is 2:06. So at 2:11 I am out of the bed.

Kid: Ok!

Crazy tickling commences with accompanying screams, laughter, drool, and spitting.

Kid: Mom, you are disgusting when you drool.

Me: I cannot help it. I laugh too hard and I drool! Help! Help!

Kid: You got spit in my eye.

Me: I'm sorry I got spit in your eye. But I laugh very hard.

Kid: You shake the whole bed!

Me: Yup. (to self: tell you daddy about it -- he's known that for 2 decades!) Alright 2:12. I'm SO done. You got one minute overtime on this trip. Hooray! I am free of tickles!

Kid: Aw.... I don't want to stop!

Me: I hear you do not want to stop. But please respect my limit. I said 5 min. because that is all I can give today.

Kid: 5 more?

Me: No, I am not up for renegotiation on tickles. 5 min was it. Please respect my limit.

Kid: Alright. I will. Can I get you in my blanket cave?

Me: Thank you for respecting my limit. Yes, I will be in a blanket cave for ONE MINUTE. It gets hot in there.

Kid: Yay! (She stuffs us under a giggly mess of quilts until we both come out screaming that it it soooo hot and horrible! )

Me: There. I'm OUT of the cave! I am out of tickles! I am out of the bed!

Kid: Can I have screen time now?

Me: Yeah, tv or computer, your pick. One hour. Then homework. New agreement.

Kid: Ok. Homework.

Me: Did you do your coming home responsibility of putting your fresh uniform out in the cubby for tomorrow? I did mine of emptying your lunch box and signing your binder.

Kid: No.

Me: Go do that then -- finish the OLD thing before starting a NEW thing. You were supposed to do that BEFORE TICKLES. I already did the lunchbox before I went to tickles.

Kid: Ok, I'll get my uniform and catch it up. THEN I get screen time.

Me: Agreed. Awesome.

Sounds so simple right?
  • Hold self and partner accountable
  • Negotiate a limit, respect the limit.
  • Before starting a new thing, take care of the old thing.

Piece of cake when it's IOUs for future tickles, bed tickles, and uniforms, right?

How about when it is dating, keeping promises, negotiating and respecting the limits you agree to in a romance?

Piece of cake: know thyself, have strong ethics, and be a person of your word.


And how about in polyamory, before starting a new romance can you take care of the old romance FIRST -- in the appropriate way -- before starting the NEW?
  • Reaffirming, renegotiating, co-creating and re-committing to new plan for new changes and checking in according to the new plan if you plan to run both relationships concurrently.
  • Break up CLEAN if you do not.

Piece of cake: End it well with old partner if it is done. Balance ORE and NRE well if not done and want both and all agree.

If you do not have the skills to do this? You have no business flying this mission, but you could return to training school somewhere and learn the skills needed. Another kind of cake, but still. Piece of cake: Know your own limitations. Choose relationships responsibly. Do your personal growth things you need to grow.

You deliberately fly the mission unprepared/underprepared/ unclear? You are not upping your odds of success any. If things explode? Things may or may not be repairable depending if your partner forgives you for flying under false colors. Another kind of cake, but still. Piece of cake: Own your own baggage when you do not obey your own limitations and you are not clear to your partner about the colors you fly under. Own your colors.

I am not saying it is a piece of cake to FEEL or always FUN to do. I am saying you understand what needs doing. The mission is clear and you want to sign up or you do not want this mission at all, or you need more training first.

That should be a piece of cake if both partners are giving clear information and getting clear information to be able to take honest assessment.

If you agree to sign up? You go do the job in front of you and act with INTENT to finish the mission. Things may how awry or haywire, but you intend to execute to the best of your ability and succeed.

Piece of fucking cake. No more. No less.

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-22-2012 at 07:49 PM.
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  #29  
Old 08-22-2012, 07:48 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ON MAKING GOOD DECISIONS: HEAD AND HEART TOGETHER

POSSIBLE ADDENDUM: DON'T DING ME THOUGHTLESSLY

My mom used to tell us at random that some decisions you make with the head. Some decisions you make with the heart. And the best decisions are always made from head and heart together.

Now that I'm a parent I remember those bits from Mom as I try to cram the kid head with all the things she will want to know about Life.

I think too much. We all know that around here.

Recently I asked DH if I'm a complicated person or a simple person.

He calmly told me I am a complicated person who enjoys simple things.
Me: I am? I always thought I was a simple person but things and people confuse me.

DH: Simple people do not need to take their brains off the hook.

Me: (*headwedgie*) Now there's a thought. I have to sit with that.
Brain farts are when the thoughts just fall out. Head wedgie moments are when new Thinks get squished IN. DH does that to me a lot. That's part of why I like him. He pushes me in the head.

It pinged in my head today that I think so much I assume other people are busy thinking too. And some do not. I know overdo it sometimes and like to live in my head looking at all the shiny things in there.

But there are those who do not flex head muscles much or run at a different speed.

So yah. Don't ding me thoughtlessly. Give me both heart and head, please when you consider me in decisions.

Maybe that needs to be an addendum to our rights and responsibilites. I have it as don't ding me intentionally. But don't ding me THOUGHTLESSLY either!

I have to ask DH his opinion on that. (Babe -- email me that one. Thanks.)
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Old 08-24-2012, 04:28 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ON OPENING UP AGAIN... AND DOING IT WELL

The excerpt below comes from this thread.

It made me smile because I was once that young, knowing I was something else but not having the vocab or resources to name the Un-nameable. 17, 18, 19 year old...

So I just went about my life living it anyway. Ha.

If my kid winds up feeling polywired I'm totally there for here. BTDT and this time? Mom's got resources!

Whether Opening Up to More Loves for the first time or Opening Up again after a break up... it's still the same kind of processing. Healing, sorting your own baggage, strengthening, defining what you seek next, going out to seek it and being picky about it.

It was so much easier to be this young in the late teens, early 20's when I was basically a single tending my own 4 buckets. I was a student for the most part, working PT jobs that meant nothing much to me. Stepping stone jobs. I didn't have to care for a big home or larger finances and other than school not a lot was a huge Time Suck.

Boyfriends came and went -- not all of them were lovers. There wasn't a lot vested in there so I didn't mind too much when relationships drifted or had to end. That is what dating is -- the search!

There is more at stake for me in 40s -- I help tend my 4 buckets, my DH's 4 buckets, my kid's 4 buckets. There's big shared stuff -- finances, home, cars, obligations, responsibilities, eldercare, patient issues of my own... I just don't make a move as free as I used to. I've never made a lightly thought move. But now there's just more riding on it.

Preparing oneself to OPEN UP WELL.

Who wants to Open all crazy with lack of thought and preparation? Not me!

I would love to experience all that again -- to Open Up one more time and get to enjoy the unfolding of a new person in my life and explore it's depths in the context of a long term loving committed relationship. But if I cannot have it the way I want to have it? A GOOD Share? An honest, ethical, meaningful Share? Then I don't want it at all. I already Share a lovely thing with my spouse and my kid and my life is full of sweetness and light.

If there's a Jedi Player out there who gets that, gets me, and wants to Share that kind of world with me -- that's what I'm offering at this particular playground. Serious applicants only, when I put out the "Jedi Player Wanted" shingle.

I'm just not putting it out just yet. DH and I continue to talk and prepare. We may come to find it just isn't the time yet or even wanted by BOTH.

And I'm not flying a new mission without him in my crew 100%. Screw the mission! Because I'm not out to screw him over. I love him and I love loving him. Because he loves ME. All of me, and he loves loving me.

Who screws something like that over by not thinking and preparing well? It is hard enough to find the first time!

I know they could be out there, but Jedi Players WHO ALSO can get me and love all the weird that is me AND wants the same playground I do? That's another thing than just finding a Jedi Player!

---------------------
Quote:
Welcome!

It's fine to be young. Just be slow and cautious. You don't need to attract predators who want to "train" you or like that you are "almost jail bait" -- most poly people are truly kind and ethical but... the nature of the thing attracts some people who are less than ethical. So be cautious ok?

If you really seek deep emotional intimacy with partner(s) -- spend time sorting YOU out first. We all come with baggage. Always. What kind of baggage do you carry? What can be let go of or does not serve you well? How much baggage in your partner(s) can you realistically deal with? Sometimes it is easier just NOT to agree to go there if the load is all kinds of crazy.

You don't get to choose how you feel. It just happens. You can fall in love with whoever. You DO get to choose how you behave in response -- REACT or ACT WITH INTENT. I may fall in love with a serial killer but you know what? I'm gonna choose to stay the hell away from them! (I exaggerate on purpose, but you know what I mean. Some people are better loved from a far distance because they can hurt you in your buckets badly, and then YOU are not being loved. Relationship is two ways, not one sided.)

How do you tend your OWN buckets of mind, body, heart, and soul? Are you as fit as you could be in all your health buckets? Can you offer a new partner the best you that you can be? If you are hurting from your recent break up in mental health, emotional health, physical health, or spiritual health -- take time to heal first and plump those back up. Do not Open Up to a new love just yet.

When you are good in all your buckets? THEN Open Up to the possibility of a New Love or Loves.

Organize your thoughts and feelings so you know what you want and are seeking next. Reality test that to make sure your expectations, wants, needs, and limits are realistic and not crazy ideals. Keep it real.

Think about how to be in "right relationship" to your Future Loves, and how you want them to behave toward you so that they are in right relationship to YOU. You deserve love, respect, dignity because you have worth and value. My own is pretty darn clear -- and I guess I'm getting a reputation around here (lovefromgirl - ha! " )for yammering on and on about wanting to be with Jedi Players only and not wanting to deal in some Muppet show.

I have a kid who is into both and I love both. But in real life I really do not want crazymaking drama from people who can't behave honestly, ethically, and like.... grown ups! So far all my own relationships have been sweetness and light. I think because I've been super picky. Be picky!

When you Open to more than one, you help to tend your OWN buckets, your partner(s) buckets. That's 4, 8, 12, 16... a LOT of buckets and a lot of polymath tiers. Don't take on more than you can hack -- not fair to you or your partner(s).

So learn more about poly in general and spend some time learning about yourself. That will help your dating life stay more on the Jedi path and less on the backstage Mupper Chaos freak show. Muppets are fun to watch on TV, but healthy people do not want to LIVE there in chronic chaos.

http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.morethantwo.com/

Figure out your model and figure out your strong communication skills FIRST. Read this and THINK. Her conclusion advice is excellent:

Quote:
For you to be happy in open relationships of any kind, you must first know what you want and which model will be most likely to work for you. Secondly, you must be able to articulately communicate what you want to potential partners in an honest and clear way. And last, but certainly not least, it is crucial to pick partners who want the same type of relationship and are comfortable with your chosen model. Excellent interpersonal and communications skills go a long way towards achieving these goals, along with a willingness to negotiate to satisfy everyone's needs. Following these steps will maximize your chances of developing satisfying and successful open relationships.
GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-24-2012 at 05:33 AM.
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