Sometimes I wish my mind worked like yours (or, at least, my wife's mind). It would be awesome if we could check in like this and have conversations and use metaphors and get past difficult conversations this way.
Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with how I think or how my wife thinks. It's just... not this way. And this way is very, very unique. I know I can learn it, but it's not how my mind naturally works and my brain is reluctant to use new experiences. I started parking in a new spot two months ago at work. I've walked half way to the old spot every single day before realizing I wasn't going to the right spot. They are not close to each other. Not even a little bit.
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith
Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
See, and I just park in the same spots because my head is usually too busy chasing the shiny things in there to bother with mundane things like where I park my car. If I lose it I just wander around dinking my beeper keychain til the car beeps back at me. LOL.
When I was younger I did not realize I am not a linear thinker. I am multi-linear. Maybe even web-like. And this would throw other people at times when I try to talk to them and we'd both get frustrated.
Now that I'm older and know this about myself, I can disconnect some lines to simplify and strengthen the signal. One must broadcast in a way that a receiver can pick it up or it's as useless info as not broadcasting at all.
But I like running all channels full blast. It's fun to me when I have people I can do that with. DH is one of those people.
ON WORRYING VS JUST SPITTING IT OUT
(Excerpt from this thread.)
Sometimes the fear of anticipation is worse than just moving on to action/realization.
I sometimes find myself what iffing too much and getting all tempest in a teapot -- I've gotten better at just checking out of that head trip. And speaking up or acting instead to get what I need to know KNOWN rather than worrying or wondering about it.
But I totally know where that comes from. BTDT.
Today has been an exercise in frustration.
I just want to take my brain off the hook, but I can't stop worrying about a friend who is in a bad situation. I really can't out my friend's problems either. But it all leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Then I read things online here that just trigger me. It's not anyone's fault on this forum -- I'm just having a rough time digesting what was revealed in my real life offline. I've done what I can to help, ethically and morally. It's the waiting time. I can do no further.
Both men and women can end up in bad situations where they suffer mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual abuse.
I wish I didn't have to post the link to Speak Out Loud so often.
Especially the tactics list.
But if anyone reading my thread needs to know those, there they are.
If one can make a safe plan, hooray.
If one cannot manage better, call 911 and check oneself in to hospital to get evaluated. Safe there, and hopefully placed in shelter. Alive. Better alive with mega bills than dead.
I just wouldn't wish abuse of ANY kind on any body.
Disgusts me that people would hurt others so. In the name of "love" -- that's for crap.
Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-18-2012 at 03:03 AM.
ON CONFLICT RESOLUTION: THE BREAKING DOWN OF THE ELEPHANT
Ugh. I hate the cop out. I rather have a partner who will WORK with me on issues. Dislike emotional weenies. From the framework of my universe? That's pings ALL my rights. So I'm calling them! I have the right to
No playing Mr. or Miss Avoidy! Or Mr. or Ms. Shoosh It All On Me.
You have agreed to uphold the responsibilities of
So we take it to the mat, buddy. Break down the fucking elephant and everyone owns a piece of it. Whether or not you like elephants. In service to the greater polyship. Because do you love your polypeeps or NOT? There could be different styles of conflict resolution personalities or techniques for HOW to have the talk.
But there is no denying the elephant is there and needs breaking down. Period. Being in relationship is sharing both the joys and burdens. Not just the fun happy clappies.
Who needs fair weather relationship-ers who do the avoidy dance? Sheesh. Bad enough in a monoamorous situation. But in polyamorous? Ugh. Go away. Do not play here. Shoo. Serious applicants only. Sigh.
(Exerpt from this thread.)
Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-18-2012 at 03:38 AM.
ON CONFLICT RESOLUTION: THE VALUE OF OBEYING YOUR OWN LIMIT
I don't mind stretching wings. Or stepping outside my comfort zone in order to grow a bit. Or agreeing to wing it, if I have established my partner in crime "wings it" well and shoulders some of the burden and not just shooshes it all on to me if things do not work out like we thought.
But doing something that compromises my integrity? I have a hard time with that.
I want to be with someone who wants to work with me, negotiate with me, treat me well and like a person of value. Where my wants, needs, and limits are heard and respected.
That could be a deal breaker there -- pressuring me into compromising myself / integrity / beliefs/ values. I have high standards for ethics and playing fair. I can't see me just abandoning them or letting go of Hard Limits.
I have to think about that some more. But I don't think it is effective conflict resolution for me to just go against core values that I own. I am willing to listen. I could change my mind based on the case presented completely or give an exception to the rule. I may even have a deep paradigm shift and change a belief entirely!
But that's going to happen AFTER discussion and a case was presented to me fairly. NOT BEFORE. And not just because you SAY so and I must just change to suit you just because you say so!
(Part 2 : Excerpt from this thread.)
Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-19-2012 at 12:45 AM.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION: ON HUMOR IN THE COPING TOOLBOX
(Part 3: Two short excerpts from the end of this thead.)
Punctuate a serious discussion with dry wit an humor -- that I can appreciate! Because the serious discussion still moves forward. And with flair! But it is cheating to try to avoid discussion entirely with a joke so you can shove it under the rug.
AFTER the big talk thing? I love a laugh -- celebrate having navigated a tough conversation. Hooray!
I get mad, get tense in negotiation, then I want to laugh and relax when it is over. If partner can take all that? Serious when it is time to be serious and fun when it is time to be fun? I start to feel aroused because of the mental and emotional intimacy just experienced and then I want the body intimacy to come online too.
I remember DH trying to learn this about me and the breakthrough moment when we were having a heated argument. I don't even remember what it was about now -- it was at our first apartment living together. I do remember being startled that it started with me being all hot headed frustrated and then he got all hot head and launched into some diatribe about why he hates having to be Mr Reasonable all the time and how sometimes HE feels like a nutjob.
I recall being torn between several distinct feelings.
I remember him rattling on with punctuated bits from me like "See? Why can't you just SAY that to me outright more often?" or "Well... spit it OUT! I'm not a mindreader!"
I remember handing him kleenex and sitting on the floor leaning against our bed stroking his hair and he was upset and crying and yelling and I don't know what. Some strange torrent of many pent up feelings from all over the map came pouring out of him. I was mad he'd stolen my stage, but I couldn't STAY mad when he was letting loose so many old burdens.
We never arrived at some kind of neat and pat conclusion. We did arrive at greater understanding of how the other one functions/thinks and two very different styles of personalities. And that felt satisfying and like the argument served some greater purpose and while messy, had been worthwhile to have.
The next thing that happened? He grabbed me up in a passionate kiss and I bit his lip and snaked my leg around his hip and the next thing I knew I was laughing flat on my back on our bed while he frantically was peeling his own and my clothes off. He got impatient and just grabbed my panties and literally ripped them off me and I did not care. He pounced, I responded eagerly. It was a feeling that was hard to describe other than I didn't know where I ended and he began. Like I was some Animal that finally picked up the scent of their Mate and was staking a claim. Maybe that was the first fusion point of Double Helix Life Thread beginning to spin?
We rolled around all over the place being Wild Things. When we finally came back to Earth I grinned at him.
"See? Told ya. It's very easy for me to go from mad to horny. Passion is passion."
"Yes, I see. My god. I get it now but I don't see how you can stand to do it at that high a volume all the time. You are going to kill me one day."
"Haha. I'm doing my best. Hungry. Dinner?"
We stood on the bed to survey the ruined messy bedroom and carefully picked our way out. We went out to dinner and cleaned things up later on. It was a shambles. I saved those broken panties for years before they finally got tossed. We were 20 and 21 back then.
Most of our heated arguments were from that time in the first apartment because we were just first learning (as all couples do) how to fight fair and deal in conflict resolution effectively. How to hold tempers and frustrations in check. How to deal with the emotional flooding well.
These days there's intense discussion, but there isn't the drama of youth.
It still makes me laugh to look back though.
It still makes me laugh today when we have some intense conversation or crazy lovemaking and he shakes his head and goes "I'm such a dead man. You are going to kill me one day."
I usually reply "Yep. I'm workin' on it. And I warned you."
He grins and goes something like "Yes, I know. And I still signed up. Crazy me."
Oh, how I love when he laughs! We're both such suckers for that -- when the laugh or the smile goes to the eyes! That damn twinkly thing. Yum.
Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-19-2012 at 12:30 AM.
ON STATING, NEGOTIATING, AND RESPECTING LIMITS: PEEKS FROM PARENT LAND
I am out of breath.
I just had a play fight of tickles and bedding with the kid.
She reminded me I promised to lay down and "nap in the big bed" but that's her latest euphemism for "fool around in the big bed" which was the other euphemism for "C'mon, Mom! Let's tickle and horse around and scream!"
Which I do not always like to give her because she gets carried away and it hurts if she punches me too hard. She's very strong for being so small!
But I'm the parent and I'm trying to teach several things here.
When the teachable moment comes, you have to just PICK ONE THING to focus on.
We teach others how we want to be treated, but it's never a one time lesson. Not even in dating. That's why you date for a long while before making serious commitments. Have to pass and repass same ground a few times to make sure person completes the base tour and can pass flying tests before launching a major mission.
I asked for her buckets when she got in and she rolled her eyes and told me her mind is good, her heart is good, her body wants a "nap", and her soul is happy. I pressed for details and she was too distracted.
She always comes home with pent up energies so I decided to grant the tickle fight she craves but was still trying to find the lesson to revisit and reinforce. It sure wasn't going to be bucket checks or any major negotiation because she was much too hyper.
I have to know the material I work with here and what is reasonable to ask and and when. The reality check on my expectations.
So it was going to be setting a limit / respect a limit then as the brief lesson.
Kid: Yay! Let's go to the big bed!
Me: Only 5 minutes.
Kid: You promised Monday to do it for a long time!
Me: I do not remember, I am sorry. I'm willing to do that tomorrow if you help me remember because my brain is too full to hold things. And Monday you did not make a note to stick on the fridge to hold me accountable like I ask you to do when Mommy is scatterbrained. If you make me one today I will sign it to help keep me honest. For today I can give 5 minutes, to hold you until you make me an IOU to sign for a bigger thing.
(Swear to God I'm surely suffering early menopause freakin' brain farts or its my meds... must ask endoc).
Kid: Alright. 5 min.
Me: Are we agreed?
Me: I'm watching the clock! It is 2:06. So at 2:11 I am out of the bed.
Crazy tickling commences with accompanying screams, laughter, drool, and spitting.
Kid: Mom, you are disgusting when you drool.
Me: I cannot help it. I laugh too hard and I drool! Help! Help!
Kid: You got spit in my eye.
Me: I'm sorry I got spit in your eye. But I laugh very hard.
Kid: You shake the whole bed!
Me: Yup. (to self: tell you daddy about it -- he's known that for 2 decades!) Alright 2:12. I'm SO done. You got one minute overtime on this trip. Hooray! I am free of tickles!
Kid: Aw.... I don't want to stop!
Me: I hear you do not want to stop. But please respect my limit. I said 5 min. because that is all I can give today.
Kid: 5 more?
Me: No, I am not up for renegotiation on tickles. 5 min was it. Please respect my limit.
Kid: Alright. I will. Can I get you in my blanket cave?
Me: Thank you for respecting my limit. Yes, I will be in a blanket cave for ONE MINUTE. It gets hot in there.
Kid: Yay! (She stuffs us under a giggly mess of quilts until we both come out screaming that it it soooo hot and horrible! )
Me: There. I'm OUT of the cave! I am out of tickles! I am out of the bed!
Kid: Can I have screen time now?
Me: Yeah, tv or computer, your pick. One hour. Then homework. New agreement.
Kid: Ok. Homework.
Me: Did you do your coming home responsibility of putting your fresh uniform out in the cubby for tomorrow? I did mine of emptying your lunch box and signing your binder.
Me: Go do that then -- finish the OLD thing before starting a NEW thing. You were supposed to do that BEFORE TICKLES. I already did the lunchbox before I went to tickles.
Kid: Ok, I'll get my uniform and catch it up. THEN I get screen time.
Me: Agreed. Awesome.
Sounds so simple right?
Piece of cake when it's IOUs for future tickles, bed tickles, and uniforms, right?
How about when it is dating, keeping promises, negotiating and respecting the limits you agree to in a romance?
Piece of cake: know thyself, have strong ethics, and be a person of your word.
And how about in polyamory, before starting a new romance can you take care of the old romance FIRST -- in the appropriate way -- before starting the NEW?
Piece of cake: End it well with old partner if it is done. Balance ORE and NRE well if not done and want both and all agree.
If you do not have the skills to do this? You have no business flying this mission, but you could return to training school somewhere and learn the skills needed. Another kind of cake, but still. Piece of cake: Know your own limitations. Choose relationships responsibly. Do your personal growth things you need to grow.
You deliberately fly the mission unprepared/underprepared/ unclear? You are not upping your odds of success any. If things explode? Things may or may not be repairable depending if your partner forgives you for flying under false colors. Another kind of cake, but still. Piece of cake: Own your own baggage when you do not obey your own limitations and you are not clear to your partner about the colors you fly under. Own your colors.
I am not saying it is a piece of cake to FEEL or always FUN to do. I am saying you understand what needs doing. The mission is clear and you want to sign up or you do not want this mission at all, or you need more training first.
That should be a piece of cake if both partners are giving clear information and getting clear information to be able to take honest assessment.
If you agree to sign up? You go do the job in front of you and act with INTENT to finish the mission. Things may how awry or haywire, but you intend to execute to the best of your ability and succeed.
Piece of fucking cake. No more. No less.
Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-22-2012 at 07:49 PM.
ON MAKING GOOD DECISIONS: HEAD AND HEART TOGETHER
POSSIBLE ADDENDUM: DON'T DING ME THOUGHTLESSLY
My mom used to tell us at random that some decisions you make with the head. Some decisions you make with the heart. And the best decisions are always made from head and heart together.
Now that I'm a parent I remember those bits from Mom as I try to cram the kid head with all the things she will want to know about Life.
I think too much. We all know that around here.
Recently I asked DH if I'm a complicated person or a simple person.
He calmly told me I am a complicated person who enjoys simple things.
Me: I am? I always thought I was a simple person but things and people confuse me.Brain farts are when the thoughts just fall out. Head wedgie moments are when new Thinks get squished IN. DH does that to me a lot. That's part of why I like him. He pushes me in the head.
It pinged in my head today that I think so much I assume other people are busy thinking too. And some do not. I know overdo it sometimes and like to live in my head looking at all the shiny things in there.
But there are those who do not flex head muscles much or run at a different speed.
So yah. Don't ding me thoughtlessly. Give me both heart and head, please when you consider me in decisions.
Maybe that needs to be an addendum to our rights and responsibilites. I have it as don't ding me intentionally. But don't ding me THOUGHTLESSLY either!
I have to ask DH his opinion on that. (Babe -- email me that one. Thanks.)
ON OPENING UP AGAIN... AND DOING IT WELL
The excerpt below comes from this thread.
It made me smile because I was once that young, knowing I was something else but not having the vocab or resources to name the Un-nameable. 17, 18, 19 year old...
So I just went about my life living it anyway. Ha.
If my kid winds up feeling polywired I'm totally there for here. BTDT and this time? Mom's got resources!
Whether Opening Up to More Loves for the first time or Opening Up again after a break up... it's still the same kind of processing. Healing, sorting your own baggage, strengthening, defining what you seek next, going out to seek it and being picky about it.
It was so much easier to be this young in the late teens, early 20's when I was basically a single tending my own 4 buckets. I was a student for the most part, working PT jobs that meant nothing much to me. Stepping stone jobs. I didn't have to care for a big home or larger finances and other than school not a lot was a huge Time Suck.
Boyfriends came and went -- not all of them were lovers. There wasn't a lot vested in there so I didn't mind too much when relationships drifted or had to end. That is what dating is -- the search!
There is more at stake for me in 40s -- I help tend my 4 buckets, my DH's 4 buckets, my kid's 4 buckets. There's big shared stuff -- finances, home, cars, obligations, responsibilities, eldercare, patient issues of my own... I just don't make a move as free as I used to. I've never made a lightly thought move. But now there's just more riding on it.
Preparing oneself to OPEN UP WELL.
Who wants to Open all crazy with lack of thought and preparation? Not me!
I would love to experience all that again -- to Open Up one more time and get to enjoy the unfolding of a new person in my life and explore it's depths in the context of a long term loving committed relationship. But if I cannot have it the way I want to have it? A GOOD Share? An honest, ethical, meaningful Share? Then I don't want it at all. I already Share a lovely thing with my spouse and my kid and my life is full of sweetness and light.
If there's a Jedi Player out there who gets that, gets me, and wants to Share that kind of world with me -- that's what I'm offering at this particular playground. Serious applicants only, when I put out the "Jedi Player Wanted" shingle.
I'm just not putting it out just yet. DH and I continue to talk and prepare. We may come to find it just isn't the time yet or even wanted by BOTH.
And I'm not flying a new mission without him in my crew 100%. Screw the mission! Because I'm not out to screw him over. I love him and I love loving him. Because he loves ME. All of me, and he loves loving me.
Who screws something like that over by not thinking and preparing well? It is hard enough to find the first time!
I know they could be out there, but Jedi Players WHO ALSO can get me and love all the weird that is me AND wants the same playground I do? That's another thing than just finding a Jedi Player!
Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-24-2012 at 05:33 AM.