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  #1  
Old 08-17-2012, 08:23 AM
BirthofVenus BirthofVenus is offline
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Default Struggling

I'm the secondary in a tri-relationship. I'm the other person he's seeing. We've been together for a year and a half. The rule of thumb from the primary is no sleep overs. I've been struggling with being in an empty bed a lot lately. I'd like to be able to just have one night a week to have him hold me all night long. I don't foresee this being able to change ever because she's insensitively stubborn. It's gotten to the point where I'm so weak that I cry myself to sleep because I'm that lonely. I don't want anyone but him to hold me or be with me though. So, looking outside of what we have is out of the question. I wake up feeling that much more exhausted cause of the emotional turmoil. Sometimes I don't even sleep properly because I feel that deprived. This is my first experience in this sort of relationship. I'm not used to sleeping alone all the time when in a relationship. Is anyone else in this situation? How do you deal with it?

I'm also struggling with engaging in threesomes with them. I just want any sex I have to be private without an audience with him. She's getting too competitive with me in bed with him. It's obvious and he's oblivious to it. Prolonging kisses, passion, etc... and I don't like how the level of passion between him and I is scaled down when he's with me infront of her. Maybe once a month if I'm in the mood I'm okay with it. I don't like being watched when I'm having sex at all. My feelings, tenderness, and passion are meant for him to experience in bed. Lately I feel like I've needed a good drink in me to engage in a threesome to take the edge off.

Has anyone dealt with all of this?
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  #2  
Old 08-17-2012, 08:57 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Welcome! You are definitely not alone. Do a search on triads and threesomes and you'll see.

First order of business - you need to permanently disengage from all sexual behaviours you are not comfortable with. Trust me, it will save you years of therapy.

The primary lady is having way too much control over you. Disengage!
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Old 08-17-2012, 01:41 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Welcome! You are definitely not alone. Do a search on triads and threesomes and you'll see.

First order of business - you need to permanently disengage from all sexual behaviours you are not comfortable with. Trust me, it will save you years of therapy.

The primary lady is having way too much control over you. Disengage!
Second order of business - Talk to her. Find out what she's uncomfortable with. Talk to them both. Work through it. It sounds like she's being jealous or having issues sharing, which is normal, but not healthy. If he's oblivious, you need to make him aware so he can address it.

I couldn't imagine dating someone for a year and a half and never sleeping in the same bed as them. Obviously it is causing you a great deal of turmoil and you need to address it one way or another.

Find out if this is a hard limit for her. Is she going to leave him if he does this? Why? What risks do sleeping in the same bed pose that having sex (or threesomes!) don't? Does she think he'll love you more than he has already in the past 1.5 years?
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Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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Old 08-17-2012, 02:13 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Are you both monogamous to the person you share? It would explain a good deal.

Two people expressing needs that conflict; who is to say which person's need is greater? It won't help to start pinning negative and accusatory motives like who is jealous and who is controlling. It could be seen that way by both if both of you are mono. Don't go down that path. Decide how important what you want is and if the circumstance of this relationship won't afford you that then you're not in unfamiliar territory at all. What do monogamous people do in monogamous relationships when their needs are not and/or cannot be met?
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Old 08-17-2012, 05:20 PM
BirthofVenus BirthofVenus is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Welcome! You are definitely not alone. Do a search on triads and threesomes and you'll see.

First order of business - you need to permanently disengage from all sexual behaviours you are not comfortable with. Trust me, it will save you years of therapy.

The primary lady is having way too much control over you. Disengage!
Hehehe. He compares my figure to hers. Hence the username. Also, Venus was extremely vibrant at my time of birth. It's my planet of essence.

Thank you for the warm welcome! It's appreciated very much. I don't know a soul in real life going through what I am on any level. I need someone to talk to who is, or has been in my position, and can guide me through their experiences.

I find if I disengage with sexual behaviours I'm not comfortable with he gives me the cold shoulder. I have tried to in the past and he treats me unfairly or deprives me of him because he's not pleased. What more can a man want though? He's a spoiled man to have the both of us in his life. I'm just sorry he can't have us at the same time as often as he'd like.

He doesn't understand that he lives with her. They can be intimate whenever they want. Take naps, sleep throughout the night, cuddle in movie/telly mode etc... whenever they want and it's okay. They've children which I understand can be a big deal to be without Daddy one night a week. He operates his own business. For all intensive purposes he could be on a business meeting once a week out of town as a cover story. The children only know of me as a friend of hers... not theirs which is silly as hell. She wants control over that factor and thinks its unbecoming of her husband to have any female friends. So, she's possessive of the idea of what I 'am'.

I was hinted to go over last night after spending a dinner/movie night out for some 'fun'. When the kids get put to sleep we have 'fun' with each other in the guestroom I stay in. I declined cause I had some medical tests in the morning, I was anxious, and they live further away from the facility that I needed to go to. I didn't want to have to get up at the hour I would need to. So, I could get a ride into town (they're in the country) to bus 2.5 hours to get what I needed done. He could've driven me in later with his son but declined when I asked. This was a phone conversation. I think she was calling the shots on this one because I asked him on the phone after speaking with her about it in her presence. She likes to limit the time I get to spend alone with him in any which way. I've also been feeling our tripod 'fun' has been too frequent lately. I need my relationship with him to be dominate and tripod 'fun' to be once in a blue moon.

The time I've spent with him lately alone has been very little in comparison to when I've spent days at a time at their house thoroughly engaged with everyone. The days at a time spent usually include me helping her with upkeeping her house, and cooking meals for the family. I rarely get a thank you from her for any of it. I find it rude. She'll take credit for my work and I know I'm just struggling with a bruised ego but c'mon. It's not easy upkeeping a 6000 sq foot house and 5 children. I'm in my 20's. They're in their 40's. A big hug with a thank you would suffice. I feel like a servant otherwise.

The most recent segment of days included me taking care of their child while they worked or wanted to go out by themselves because their other children are with her first husband and his first wife for the summer. How fair is that? I love the child like he was my own but even still... the second I want to step outside for a cigarette with him alone or be in his study alone to just talk she needs to stick her nose right in there. It's smothering. The only time that gets to happen is when she's in bed.

Prior to posting my original post I had been on Skype with him. He wasn't impressed with me. I could tell. He wasn't playful much, wasn't flirty, barely acted loving, etc... cause I didn't go over. I know he has his needs too but why act so cold to someone because they're extremely vulnerable and uncomfortable? I didn't even go to bed last night. I just stayed up looking at the ceiling feeling lonely crying.

I want to feel like I have my own space with him. I want to be able to go out to eat, shop, watch a movie, have him in my space for longer periods of time once in a while. Once a week would be perfect for me! I understand he's a packaged deal with 6 other people wanting his attention too plus his company and maintaining his family relationships with his family abroad. His step sons hardly come to him to spend time with him. He is mostly engaged with his three sons he's fathered and her. Am I asking too much?

I wish even from her she'd come to my house and do things for me. I get spoiled with material things from both of them. I am not financially able to do that right now cause I'm still settling in being on my own. I've only had my own space for a couple of years now since leaving my parents home. I get their hand-me-down things that they've upgraded from in the house. When I go out with them I don't have to pay really. It balances out with my efforts but it'd be nice to have them come over and help with my humble home. I guess balance and communication is our issue.

God, I'm a wreck, huh? lol
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Old 08-17-2012, 05:33 PM
BirthofVenus BirthofVenus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
Second order of business - Talk to her. Find out what she's uncomfortable with. Talk to them both. Work through it. It sounds like she's being jealous or having issues sharing, which is normal, but not healthy. If he's oblivious, you need to make him aware so he can address it.

I couldn't imagine dating someone for a year and a half and never sleeping in the same bed as them. Obviously it is causing you a great deal of turmoil and you need to address it one way or another.

Find out if this is a hard limit for her. Is she going to leave him if he does this? Why? What risks do sleeping in the same bed pose that having sex (or threesomes!) don't? Does she think he'll love you more than he has already in the past 1.5 years?
We've had counter-productive discussions with her about this. He's very yielding towards it but she's uncomfortable. Any time she needs to leave town and he's unable to due to work I am to take time away from my life to go with her. It's to keep me away so these things don't happen. It doesn't have to be at their house. It can be at mine or a hotel if it makes her more comfortable. We've only been able to do this three times. I didn't include this information, my apologies. The first time she made it difficult by keeping him on the phone the whole night. The last couple of times I accompanied him on a business trip and had to lie and say I was elsewhere. She wanted me to come over otherwise to keep an eye on me.

Your response makes more logical sense. Not cause it's tailored to what I want though. Her excuse is she spends very little time with him. It's inconsistent though. When she has time off from work more often than not she'll go out of town to see her parents or spend the day with me. She's self inflicting this disposition she has with him. So, sleeping together every night is her comfort, and she can't sleep otherwise. I know it's just jealousy and the inability to fully share.
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Old 08-17-2012, 05:39 PM
BirthofVenus BirthofVenus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
Are you both monogamous to the person you share? It would explain a good deal.

Two people expressing needs that conflict; who is to say which person's need is greater? It won't help to start pinning negative and accusatory motives like who is jealous and who is controlling. It could be seen that way by both if both of you are mono. Don't go down that path. Decide how important what you want is and if the circumstance of this relationship won't afford you that then you're not in unfamiliar territory at all. What do monogamous people do in monogamous relationships when their needs are not and/or cannot be met?
We both are mono to him. I understand what you're saying... if wants/needs can't be met at all, the typical approach is to leave, but I'm way too invested in him to want that to happen.

I've never been in a relationship with anyone on this scale like I am with him. Things with him and I are amazing outside of this tripod business. I enjoy his company, his wisdom, his kindness, his warmth, his playfulness, his protection, his passion, his tenderness, his love. I've never felt so ironically comfortable with anyone outside of what I'm struggling with within everything. I feel if it was just him and I that I would love to spend infinite lifetimes with him.

I wish he could clone himself for me to have the same version of himself for myself.
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Old 08-17-2012, 06:12 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I can understand not wanting to, just wanted to remind you that you have options and sometimes the ones that would serve you best are the scariest and sad despite being the healthy course of action. Not remembering your options can add undue pressure and cause more anxiety than the actual issues do on their own.

Love is only a trap if you let it be.
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  #9  
Old 08-17-2012, 07:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Welcome!

1.5 years, huh? So the NRE wore off. Now you are looking at the realities of your relationship. Is this your first serious relationship? If so, remember you have no other yardsticks then to compare. You may think you will never have this anywhere else but with him. In truth? It can be had elsewhere.

This may be Hard to Hear. I apologize.

But your situation sounds creepy to me and red flags. It is not healthy sounding.

I invite you to read the list at speak out loud with a highlighter and see what other playgrounds sound familiar. Check out the rest of the website too. www.speakoutloud.net


I am not saying you are being abused. I would not wish it on anyone. But your situation is creeping me out to where I feel the need to share that list with you in case you ARE in need. Better you have it if you need it. And if you do not? Not a biggie, right? But terrible to need it and not know it exists.

That in the spirit I offer in it. I hope it causes no offense.

I tried to break out your posts below into piles and honestly? I felt so sad I had to leave it after a point.

You are under a HUGE burden there and you simple deserve better than this.

You are a young 20's spending her youth with what? 40's predator sounding people. I cannot tell if it is the couple that is predator. Or the guy keeping both women stuck and pitting them against each other for his entertainment.

But that's not your problem -- who is the "real" predator here. You save YOU and just get your away from more harm.

WALK AWAY. RUN!

*hugs*
Galagirl

------------------


YOU WANT
  • To stop having threesomes, and not liking to turn to alcohol to be able to peform. Or reduce it to once in a blue moon so it is bearable to do the things you do not consent to? (This is not fun? Then STOP. It's getting rape-y sounding! Stop compromising yourself. You will still feel ugh but hopefully less volume of ugh!)
  • To not have him give you cold shoulder/poor treatment if you decline threesomes (Why are you sex machine THING to him and not PERSON?)
  • To clone him so you don't have to share him (Do you really want to stay with a person who treats you like THING?)
  • To be able to have time with him as a duo more often than you do (reasonable if healthy rship but this is not healthy)
  • To stop feeling lonely (reasonable. Get away and make NEW bonds elsewhere.)
  • To stop feeling exhausted and deprived from bad sleep (reasonable. Break up, be sadder for a bit, heal, feel better, yay! Temporary suckage is better than endless suckage!)
  • To stop with the competing with the other woman (Why is she competing though? Isn't she supposed to be all yay about the poly? Or is she being manipulated into sex acts she does not want either?
  • Not to have to think about breaking up at all or opening up enough so you can date others (Why this unwillingness to think about what is best for YOU and yours needs?)
  • To stop being a booty call for "fun" and then not get simple needs met like a ride to medical appt.
  • To get thanks for helping out in the house when you help with the kids and housework. You feel like a servant. (You are actually a slave. A booty call one to boot. You get no wages for your servitude. And you are not given attention, care, and consideration as part of an honored family member. You get handmedowns when they upgrade things in their life. Are you going to be upgraded one day too and discarded? )


HE WANTS
  • Threesomes a LOT despite how the women feel about it. Cold shoulders and withdraws from you when you do not perform how he wants. (Fresh! That's a manipulation technique.)
  • Not have to deal with helping to tend to your emotional health, mental health, spiritual health. Is fine using your body fo sex but not caring for you body to get you to med appt. (WTF? This is not a partner. This is a body user. )

WIFE WANTS
  • To control your access to him (Is she not happy in poly? Did he railroad her into it? )
  • To have you as a house help person FREE
  • To not have to deal with your emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, or other needs.
  • Seems resentful/compete-y in threesome scenes. (Why does she agree? Is she trapped with him from finances/children? Does wife need speakoutloud list? )

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-17-2012 at 07:29 PM.
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  #10  
Old 08-17-2012, 07:24 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Why the fuck do you participate in threesomes if you don't want to? What the hell? Where's your backbone?

Why do you accept things that are not okay with you?

They are using you like a human sex toy and maid. This is not polyamory. You are not being respected, cherished, and loved in this situation.

You are living in a fantasy to think there is anything good in this situation for you. They are abusing you. There are better people out there to be in relationship with.

Get out of this NOW.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-17-2012 at 07:33 PM.
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