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Old 08-17-2012, 07:00 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Default Poly or not?

He says he's polyamorous.

Help me determine this.

We meet. We get along. We go on a couple of dates. We have sex. He then reveals his interest in polyamory. I'm surprised, but I'm open minded and truth be told -- I've been explorying polyamory, too. He's dating ONE other person, who he says knows about me. So, I say OK, let's date but I want open communication. I want honesty. He says OK. I trust that OK. We have fun every time we see each other.

Two months and a couple of weeks later, he goes on a trip. Comes back. Change is dramatic. He suddenly wants "me time". "I need space," he says. "But, I still adore you. We are fine 110%." I still feel iffy about it, but I choose to trust what he says. He has work, I say. So I go on a few dates, but don't sleep with any of the men I date. I'm open to having sex with others, but at this time I just didn't feel the right connection enough to go there. Besides, he and I had an agreement that if we do decide to sleep with other people -- for safety reasons -- we need to tell each other.

Two weeks later after he told me he needed space, he seems to be a bit better -- almost like how we used to be. Laughing, playing, having great sex. Then I ask him, "Have you hooked up with anyone lately other than me and your other girl?" He looks thoughtful and says, "I met someone before I left on my trip but she just gave me a blowjob." I say OK... but then I'm confused why he didn't choose to tell me. Then he says, "I also fucked my roommate like a week ago. We fucked before but she needed some, and I wanted to be a good friend so I fucked her." I go, OK... um... why didn't you tell me then? He says he's telling me now. He says it probably won't happen again. My head says oh it'll happen again. But I decide again, OK, I have to talk to him about safety issues. I know his sexual health (we've both been tested as well as the other girl) and as far as I knew it was just the three of us at this time... but now I don't know. I tell him I don't know the other people's sexual health and so he needs to be upfront with me. He says OK.

We spend the night. We have a great night. I start feeling like OK this could go back on track.

I go home. I have a good day at work. I come home early. On my way home, he drives by (he lives nearby) and next to him is a woman I don't recognize. He waves. He looked nervous.

I text him, "LOL! Is that (the other girl's name) Hope you guys have fun!"

He texts back, "That was actually (a friend of his from high school) she is visiting (from out of town) and is here (for four days)."

I text back, "Oh, is that why you''re busy this weekend? " trying to tease him.

He texts: "Yeah, we see each other once a year."

I ask him: "Is she THAT type of friend... ie do you sleep together?"

He says: "Yes, she is that type of friend. I would have told you but I didn't see the point in it. I am still trying to wrap my head about this whole disclosure thing mainly because I don't want to set that type of \
expectation."

Me: "Not causing drama but I'm confused why you hadn't mentioned it to me last night that you were having a guest over, who obviously you would be having sex with. I thought we agreed to tell each other stuff like this?"

Him: "We were close in high school. I guess I diddn't see a reason to tell you. I have no problem telling you shit ahead of time but not sure if we want to set that expectation."

Me: I wish you had said something. I would have understood. Anyway, I don't want to spoil your weekend. All I am concerned about is safety obviously. I know you but I hope you understand that I don't know them and their health safety record. If you knew that I was sleeping with other guys you would want to know that they were safe too. You mentioned and stressed on that before. I am not mad. Just very confused.

Him: Definitely. I don't even know if we are having sex. We agreed to tell each other if we do for safety's sake and that's what I'm going to do.

At this point, I'm looking at my phone going WTF? I am so confused... so I don't text. Mainly because I don't want to ruin his weekend ( I do care about him deeply and if he's happy then so be it ) but at the same time I am hurt and I am confused and now I am also scared for my health. Do I get myself checked again?

He texts again: Are you OK?

I respond. I am.

That wasn't a lie. I am OK. I just wish he would have told me.

My questions are:

Am I wrong for thinking I've been duped?

He is slowly sounding like he keeps things secret from me. If he hadn't driven past and me seeing him with a passenger, I wouldn't have known she was even visiting.

Is he polyamorous or just someone who is 23 years old, having his cake and eating it too? Sometimes I wonder if there are men who just hide behind polyamory to screw around. I may or may have one in my hands.

As for me, I've accepted a date tonight and another one tomorrow night. I'll respect the rule that if I have sex with any of these men, I will let him know. Thing is, I don't think he's been respecting that rule all along.


I'd love your view points.

Thank you.

Update: I removed the "if and when we sleep together again... Condoms are a must" line because I realize how stupid that sounded. What the fuck was I thinking going bareback with him? Ugh...

Last edited by TornHeart; 08-17-2012 at 07:53 PM.
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  #2  
Old 08-17-2012, 07:16 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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I was reading through this and thinking to myself "this is pretty shitty" and about to tell you what I would do and then I got to this:

Quote:
I think if and when we do sleep together again. Condoms are a must.
WHAT!?

How long have you known this guy? You say two months and a couple weeks (let's just round up to 3 months). Then he's on a trip for X weeks, that time isn't counted because you weren't around him. Yes, you knew him, but you weren't active in his life or learning more about him.

You then say he needs two weeks away. So that's not time getting to know him either.

So let's say 3 months of getting to know him and 1 month of not being around him during that time. I'm going to assume everything else happened within a months time because I don't see a time reference. So for the sake of convenience let's say you've known this guy for 6 months, 1 month of which, you two weren't hanging out at all.

Why are you having unprotected sex?
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  #3  
Old 08-17-2012, 07:40 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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I realize how stupid that is now, too. Thank you for the reality check.

I do want your opinion though. Poly or just plain full of shit?
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  #4  
Old 08-17-2012, 07:43 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TornHeart View Post
I think if and when we do sleep together again. Condoms are a must.
Wait - what? You mean, you've been going bareback? After only a couple of months? WTF?

Honey, get tested.
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Old 08-17-2012, 07:44 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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He may be poly, but he's definitely full of shit.

You made it very clear that you needed to know when he would be sleeping with someone. You made it clear that it wasn't trust or jealousy issues and that it was a safety thing. He has consistently lied to you about that at least 3 times that I remember without rereading the post (roommate, random blowjob, woman from high school). I wouldn't have a relationship with this guy, personally, and I would definitely NOT be having any kind of unprotected contact with him.
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  #6  
Old 08-17-2012, 07:44 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Wait - what? You mean, you've been going bareback? After only a couple of months? WTF?

Honey, get tested.
I just called my doctor. Will go first thing in the morning. However, doc did tell me I have to be tested again in six months. I feel so stupid.

But honestly, do you guys think he's just using poly as a beard???
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  #7  
Old 08-17-2012, 07:48 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
He may be poly, but he's definitely full of shit.

You made it very clear that you needed to know when he would be sleeping with someone. You made it clear that it wasn't trust or jealousy issues and that it was a safety thing. He has consistently lied to you about that at least 3 times that I remember without rereading the post (roommate, random blowjob, woman from high school). I wouldn't have a relationship with this guy, personally, and I would definitely NOT be having any kind of unprotected contact with him.
Strike 3.

You're right.

He's out.
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  #8  
Old 08-17-2012, 07:56 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TornHeart View Post
I realize how stupid that is now, too. Thank you for the reality check.

I do want your opinion though. Poly or just plain full of shit?
Does it matter? Let's review.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TornHeart View Post
He says he's polyamorous.

Help me determine this.

We meet. We get along. We go on a couple of dates. We have sex.
Okay, so you've established a relationship. It went fast. Hey, that's how I am too. No worries.
Quote:
He then reveals his interest in polyamory. I'm surprised, but I'm open minded and truth be told -- I've been explorying polyamory, too. He's dating ONE other person, who he says knows about me. So, I say OK, let's date but I want open communication. I want honesty. He says OK. I trust that OK. We have fun every time we see each other.
Oops! I guess there was a worry. Alright, you're willing to look past it because it actually works in your favor. Why didn't he tell you about his one other person before you had sex? For that matter, why didn't he tell you on date #1? Sounds like he got what he wanted and was maybe trying to cut you loose? Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was just nervous about telling you. Still, why did she know about you but not vice versa? Certainly before sex. People have a right to know this stuff. It's potentially life or death.
Quote:
Two months and a couple of weeks later, he goes on a trip. Comes back. Change is dramatic. He suddenly wants "me time". "I need space," he says. "But, I still adore you. We are fine 110%." I still feel iffy about it, but I choose to trust what he says. He has work, I say. So I go on a few dates, but don't sleep with any of the men I date. I'm open to having sex with others, but at this time I just didn't feel the right connection enough to go there. Besides, he and I had an agreement that if we do decide to sleep with other people -- for safety reasons -- we need to tell each other.
Good rule. Sounds like you're just having a good time. One-night stands. That's okay, but let's make sure we practice safe sex. There is a strain of gonorrhea that is currently one resistance away from being effectively untreatable. That means people are going to start getting really, really sick. Before it was no big deal. Left untreated, it can cause heart murmurs and meningitis. Scary.
Quote:
Two weeks later after he told me he needed space, he seems to be a bit better -- almost like how we used to be. Laughing, playing, having great sex.
Great! Back where we were before. No worries (again).
Quote:
Then I ask him, "Have you hooked up with anyone lately other than me and your other girl?" He looks thoughtful and says, "I met someone before I left on my trip but she just gave me a blowjob."
Not truthful. Strike two. If this were someone I was with, I'm now more cautious. Again, post sex. What the hell.
Quote:
I say OK... but then I'm confused why he didn't choose to tell me. Then he says, "I also fucked my roommate like a week ago. We fucked before but she needed some, and I wanted to be a good friend so I fucked her."
What. Who says that? This is still part of strike two. Him not being communicative. This is actually a bigger deal than the head. Again, STDs!!! Use your head here.
Quote:
I go, OK... um... why didn't you tell me then? He says he's telling me now. He says it probably won't happen again. My head says oh it'll happen again. But I decide again, OK, I have to talk to him about safety issues. I know his sexual health (we've both been tested as well as the other girl) and as far as I knew it was just the three of us at this time... but now I don't know. I tell him I don't know the other people's sexual health and so he needs to be upfront with me. He says OK.
It's going to happen again. Don't believe a damn word this guy says. He was trying to re-assure you. They've done it before, they'll do it again. "Being a friend". Please. That guy is a douche.
Quote:
We spend the night. We have a great night. I start feeling like OK this could go back on track.
Again you're sucked in. Whyyyyyyy!? Stop getting complacent. This guy has given you 3 red flags! Three reasons to be suspicious! Even if you're the forgiving type, stop letting him walk all over you!
Quote:
I go home. I have a good day at work. I come home early. On my way home, he drives by (he lives nearby) and next to him is a woman I don't recognize. He waves. He looked nervous.

I text him, "LOL! Is that (the other girl's name) Hope you guys have fun!"

He texts back, "That was actually (a friend of his from high school) she is visiting (from out of town) and is here (for four days)."

I text back, "Oh, is that why you''re busy this weekend? " trying to tease him.

He texts: "Yeah, we see each other once a year."

I ask him: "Is she THAT type of friend... ie do you sleep together?"

He says: "Yes, she is that type of friend. I would have told you but I didn't see the point in it. I am still trying to wrap my head about this whole disclosure thing mainly because I don't want to set that type of \
expectation."

Me: "Not causing drama but I'm confused why you hadn't mentioned it to me last night that you were having a guest over, who obviously you would be having sex with. I thought we agreed to tell each other stuff like this?"

Him: "We were close in high school. I guess I diddn't see a reason to tell you. I have no problem telling you shit ahead of time but not sure if we want to set that expectation."

Me: I wish you had said something. I would have understood. Anyway, I don't want to spoil your weekend. All I am concerned about is safety obviously. I know you but I hope you understand that I don't know them and their health safety record. If you knew that I was sleeping with other guys you would want to know that they were safe too. You mentioned and stressed on that before. I am not mad. Just very confused.

Him: Definitely. I don't even know if we are having sex. We agreed to tell each other if we do for safety's sake and that's what I'm going to do.
Seriously? Another girl? Sounds like a player to me, not a polyamorous guy. He's definitely not building relationships, and this isn't much more than casual sex. Are you alright dating someone who's sleeping with everyone he can/not being faithful? This is strike three (or four if you count those other two incidents as separate). He's out. OUT!
Quote:
At this point, I'm looking at my phone going WTF? I am so confused... so I don't text. Mainly because I don't want to ruin his weekend ( I do care about him deeply and if he's happy then so be it ) but at the same time I am hurt and I am confused and now I am also scared for my health. Do I get myself checked again?
Yes.
Quote:
He texts again: Are you OK?

I respond. I am.

That wasn't a lie. I am OK. I just wish he would have told me.
Why? Why are you OK being treated like this?
Quote:
My questions are:

Am I wrong for thinking I've been duped?
No.
Quote:
He is slowly sounding like he keeps things secret from me. If he hadn't driven past and me seeing him with a passenger, I wouldn't have known she was even visiting.
There you go! Now you're getting it!
Quote:
Is he polyamorous or just someone who is 23 years old, having his cake and eating it too? Sometimes I wonder if there are men who just hide behind polyamory to screw around. I may or may have one in my hands.
You do. I'm 25. His actions are deplorable to me. Gross, even. Don't let him get his filth on you. Not for another second. Sickening. The girl that I'm currently after is very sexually active. But she's honest. Very honest. So it doesn't bother me because I know what I'm getting into. You don't. Don't get some uncurable disease because you trusted this douche.
Quote:
As for me, I've accepted a date tonight and another one tomorrow night. I'll respect the rule that if I have sex with any of these men, I will let him know. Thing is, I don't think he's been respecting that rule all along.
Why bother? You should cease contact with this idiot. He doesn't need to know about your life any longer.
Quote:
I think if and when we do sleep together again. Condoms are a must.
I think you meant to say "If we ever see each other again, I'll slap him in the face for being a scumbag."
Quote:
I'd love your view points.

Thank you.
There you go.

Don't be a victim of this guy. Don't let him get you sick. I never understood the need to sleep around, anyway. Sure, it's fun, but come on. Get to know a person. Sex is soooo much more fun with someone you're comfortable with and know how to please than it ever is on the first time.
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #9  
Old 08-17-2012, 07:57 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
He may be poly, but he's definitely full of shit.
I disagree!

He may not be full of shit, but he's definitely NOT poly.

Poly is about loving, open, and (sometimes) committed relationships - it is one form of responsible non-monogamy. I'm not really hearing any of that here. He's being far from open about his other relationships with you and this "I don't want to set any expectations" is garbage - why the hell not? Telling you after the fact is not being open. Telling you only when you (by accident) find out isn't being open.

A fluid bond (not using condoms) is something that has to be taken very, very seriously, and not something to be entered into lightly. If you do not use condoms then you are effectively having sex with every person that he has sex with.

You put out an expectation - a boundary for you - and he trampled all over it without a second thought. Repeatedly. That's not open and it ain't poly.

He many well be "interested" in polyamory, but he is obviously not doing it. it's sounding like something that mercury mentioned on another thread - one of these folks who uses the word "polyamory" to put some sort of cover over highly irresponsible relationship behaviour.
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 08-17-2012 at 08:00 PM.
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  #10  
Old 08-17-2012, 08:16 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
this "I don't want to set any expectations" is garbage - why the hell not?
Damnit! I knew I skipped something in my reply.

That right there should have been the end of the relationship. "I don't want to set expectations" is the same as saying, "I don't want to be honest with you, so I'm avoiding things and leading you on."
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old

Last edited by KyleKat; 08-17-2012 at 10:02 PM.
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