help with mono/poly relationship

[redpepper]

I don't see what the issue is here. You seem to be trying to be everything to everyone and are forgetting to be everything to you first. You said yourself you want to experience dating... so date. Nothing poly about dating a bunch of women other than you might decide to only date poly women and you should always be up front to everyone that you consider yourself poly.

Now is the time to enjoy getting to know other people and take it easy, not be so serious unless you really like someone. You seem to be creating the drama by being Mr. Pleaser.

As for girlfriend with the husband that doesn't know. If you really love her then request that you meet him before continuing onward so as to keep you integrity and self respect. Also to keep your respect for her. If she says no, then leave her. Full stop, end of story, nothing left to say. There should never be any room for cheating in poly as far as I am concerned. I don't care how "poor me" her life is, there is always the option to leave if it isn't working for her. I have never heard one excuse yet that has made me say, "ahhhhh, that's too bad, you should keep cheating..." sorry, I'm a bit of a hard ass on that one.

Btw, there is tons on cheating on this forum, it might be helpful to do a search and read up a bit.

[LovingRadiance]

RP-I'm having so much fun doing this-can I correct your written thought to what I think your REAL thought is?
There's no room for cheating in ANY relationship (poly or mono)....

Giggling.

ANYWAY-great post.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

RP-I'm having so much fun doing this-can I correct your written thought to what I think your REAL thought is?
There's no room for cheating in ANY relationship (poly or mono)....

Giggling.

ANYWAY-great post.

Heh, yes, you are right.... any relationship...

what would I do without your kind reminders LR ?!

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Heh, yes, you are right.... any relationship...

what would I do without your kind reminders LR ?!

You'd wonder why I quit reading!

[FitChick]

My partner is poly and he was previously and to some extent still is involved with a mono woman who makes similar exclusivity demands. When I stayed with him for a week recently there was loads of interference from her,all negative. I know and accept there are other women in his life whereas she doesn't...it is not easy,you need to do what is right for you,or at the very least work out what your bottom line is when it comes to relationships and stick to it.

[Ttree]

Think about what YOU want. This is especially important to realise as a poly person, not to be pushed around or controlled by one person and particularly someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Your feeligs do not control you. Sometimes you DO have to break up with someone who is toxic for you. I have had to end a couple of emotionally abusive friendships and one good relationship for that, where the person refused to accept me for who I am (specifically the poly thing). You are worrying about this other person you're dating vs the needs of your ex. Think about yourself instead. Only by knowing what you want first and being true to yourself can you be there for or commit to anyone else. I've learned this recently. My otherwise-perfect ex (actually in hindsight you always realise things weren't 100% perfect) could not accept who I am but it is good that I broke up with him. You should really do what is best for you or you will never know what you want.

Take the plunge, do something just for you even at the risk of other people not getting what they want, even at the risk of missing an opportunity (trust me there are so many other fish in the sea. After my previous breakups (I've been mono up until recently) I've always thought I would never find anyone so amazing as that person and when I found someone better they made me wonder why I'd dated these guys in the first place and how I could have thought they were so wonderful or so irreplaceable?

To me your ex seems selfish and does not want you to be happy but only to fulfil her needs, which also means she does not appreciate you for who you are but only as someone to serve her insecurities. Who wants to date someone like that?