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  #11  
Old 08-15-2012, 06:42 PM
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Castalia Castalia is offline
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Originally Posted by Perks View Post
Castalia,

Yep same boat. Only I also gave up traveling, friends and my job to be in this relationship. Some days I get kinda mad at myself for allowing this to happen. (Totally my fault!) My husband gets 100% of my time. I only see my BF and the few friends I have in this town when my husband is at work.

Oh my god. I sound like property.
Oh man, this sounds so familiar. Unfortunately, sometimes we let go of the things we want or need because they are not understood or an option for the other party. We make a choice to do what is best for everyone else, even if it is at great costs to ourselves. It takes a very long time to unlearn these habits.
The problem with this is these things are always in us and have a tendency to jump up during inopportune times causing great distress to those around us.

Like Kylekat said "we all need to learn to be patient and communicate with our partners" but we also need to be aware of the pitfalls we put ourselves in just to avoid hurting others. There has to be some sort of balance.
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  #12  
Old 08-15-2012, 06:48 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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My DH was NOT great at articulation at the start. It isn't so much that he cannot articulate. It is that he comes from a background where articulation put you in the dog house. It took him a while to believe and then do and then see that I am different.

YES, if you tell me something I do not like to hear I may have a minor side GRRR moment. I still welcome the news. No, you are not in the dog house. I just need to steam valve on the side for a moment before I can return to this thing and address it like a sane person. I go ballistic at information withheld. I do not go ballistic at information given that I don't love to hear. There IS a difference.

He often would say "I don't know." To hem and haw and hedge his bets. He doesn't do that any more and he's much more up front but sometimes he gets stuck. To this day it still helps when he goes "I don't know" to ask him for his buckets.

"Alright. You do not know the metabucket answer from all your health buckets combined. Gimme the buckets separate then. How are you on this ...
  • In your BODY? Anything tense? Hurting? Stomach butterflies? Relaxed?
  • In your MIND? Mind racing and won't shut up? Mind stuck or slow as molasses?
  • In your HEART? Is it dark in there? Heavy? Sweetness and light?
  • In your SOUL? Hang time at the forge? Soaring? Where is spirit?

The other day I asked him on a minor issue -- "Hey, where you at? Can I go out to coffee with a friend?"

He goes "I don't know."

I sigh and go "Gimme buckets."

He thinks. Then answers slowly.

"Well... my body is tired. It was a long day at work. I did not sleep well last night. My mind heart is full and content. My brain is fried. I have crazy clients. You would not even believe! My soul? Um. My soul is peaceful. Content?"

I respond "So I'm getting 2 counts of tired, and 2 neutrals. So you really ought to nap and skip parenting duty tonight. And I really ought to schedule my date with the gals for later in the week so you have a chance to rest. Is that the ball park we are in?"

He blinks. "Um... yah?"

"Great! You get nap, I get to carry on and fix my calendar. Thanks!"

And I go off to do my thing cheerfully. And he gets to nap cheerfully. And nobody has any cows. All well with the world.

But seriously he used to make me CRAZY with the "I don't know" thing. It is fine not to know and need extra time to sort that out. If that is TRUE.

But do not default there because you wish to avoid having to think or do the work required to give me my right to clear communication. Do not avoid, shirk, or obfuscate. Just SPIT IT OUT. So I can know where we stand and I can move on to dealing with whatever it is on my end of the equation.

And I have a drop dead date -- because if I need to move a thing forward and make a decision and your indecision is holding me up? Then I need to move without taking your information on boardthen. And you cannot get mad at me for doing that because YOU declined to exercise your right/opportunity to get your information ON BOARD.

Everyone holds their own bag!

Maybe try the technique of asking him for his buckets separately rather than the Meta-bucket of all things combined in one answer? Get a better temperature check in bite sizes?

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-15-2012 at 07:01 PM.
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  #13  
Old 08-15-2012, 06:52 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
My DH was NOT great at articulation at the start. It isn't so much that he cannot articulate. It is that he comes from a background where articulation put you in the dog house. It took him a while to believe and then do and the see what I am different.

YES, if you tell me something I do not like to hear I may have a minor side GRRR moment.

I still welcome the news. No, you are not in the dog house. I just need to steam valve on the side for a moment before I can return to this thing and address it like a sane person. I go ballistic at information withheld. I do not go ballistic at information given that I don't love to hear. There IS a difference.

He often would say "I don't know." To hem and haw and hedge his bets. He doesn't do that any more and he's much more up front but sometimes he gets stuck. To this day it still helps when he goes "I don't know" to ask him for his buckets.

"Alright. You do not know the metabucket answer from all your health buckets combined. Gimme the buckets separate then. How are you on this ...
  • In your BODY? Anything tense? Hurting?
  • In your MIND? Mind racing and won't shut up? Mind stuck or slow as molasses?
  • In your HEART? Is it dark in there? Heavy? Sweetness and light?
  • In your SOUL? Hang time at the forge? Soaring? Where is spirit?

The other day I asked him on a minor issue -- "hey, where you at? Can I go out to coffee with a friend?"

He goes "I don't know."

I sigh and go "Gimme buckets."

He thinks. Then answers slowly.

"Well... my body is tired. It was a long day at work. I did not sleep well last night. My mind heart is full and content. My brain is fried. I have crazy clients. You would not even believe! My soul? Um. My soul is peaceful. Content?"

I respond "So I'm getting 2 counts of tired, and 2 neutrals. So you really ought to nap and skip parenting duty tonight. And I really ought to schedule my date with the gals for later in the week so you have a chance to rest. Is that the ball park we are in?"

He blinks. "Um... yah?"

"Great! You nap, I get to carry on and fix my calendar. Thanks!"

And I go off to do my thing cheerfully. And he gets to nap cheerfully. And nobody has any cows. All well with the world.

But seriously he makes me CRAZY with the "I don't know" thing. I just want him to SPIT IT OUT so I can move on to dealing with whatever it is. I don't like not knowing.

Maybe try the technique of asking him for his buckets separately rather than the Meta-bucket of all things combined in one answer? Get a better temperature check.

GalaGirl
I like this. I'm going to try this with my wife. Thanks again GG for your insightfulness!
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  #14  
Old 08-15-2012, 07:45 PM
Invi Invi is offline
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I think I identify pretty well with the husbands and wife that have been mentioned.

"I don't know" comes out of my mouth a lot when I can not articulate my feelings or am stalling for time to sort them. Or when I just don't want to bother to sort them. I'm working on it.
I tend to say things in my head a million times over before deciding whether or not to force myself to spit it out or not.

I'm getting better about it, but it is a long, slow process for me. It's hard for me to identify certain feelings, and even harder to find the root cause of them. Kind of a learned helplessness left over from childhood.

Someone suggested email. That has certainly helped me to communicate with my boyfriend during this transition. I'm getting better about talking to him face to face, but in the beginning, I just couldn't. Or wouldn't, I guess. It was too uncomfortable and I wanted nothing more than to avoid it.

So, I second email if he can't be convinced to talk about it face to face. I thought my boyfriend seeing other people was a deal breaker, too. Maybe it is and I just haven't realized it yet, but I'm still working on my insecurities with him; sometimes it just has to be through text.
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  #15  
Old 08-15-2012, 11:11 PM
Perks Perks is offline
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Wow people post fast on here! Thank you everyone for your comments.

I was trying to make my original post short and to the point but I guess I should explain things a bit better.

Yes I moved to be with him. I gave up things so I could have him in my life full time. It has been hard for me to make new friends and I don't have a lot of support from him due to his independent nature.

He does not communicate. How can I make/force someone open up? (you can't) I've been trying for years to find a way and nothing seems to work. I try to offer other ways for him to express himself and he is like a brick wall. I've been open and talk to him about this topic (poly) and other issues all the time. After five years of asking, "Are you ok? What's going on? How are you feeling?" about every single thing we do together as a couple and as individuals takes its toll. Sorry if I seem a little frustrated and rushed. We pay for therapy every week so we can have the same conversation over and over. I've had it at this point. I can't continue to put ALL of my life goals on hold (have no life/friends, job, etc.) because he likes it better that way. (I know our main problem is much deeper than just the poly issue. Sorry to trail off poly topic but I just had to explain my situation.)

We do not have kids and we will not be having any. He has no friends and hates it when I ask him to make some. I see my friends one night a week for dinner and he hates to see me go. I only see my BF once a week for 3 hours while my husband works late. He has requested this setup so that it would not disrupt his time with me. Is this moving too fast? I feel if I move any slower I will turn into a snail.

I have been the person to compromise in this relationship. We talk about this in therapy every week. I put his needs and wants first and it can't always be that way. I could keep it up for a few years but it looks like I'm starting to feel the burn.

I want to express that I love my husband very very much. He sounds like nut ball when I type all this down but he really is a good person. And if anything I'm the crazy one. I've had a very out of the norm life and sometimes I let my body move forward without talking it over with my brain first.

Thanks again for all the helpful comments!
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  #16  
Old 08-15-2012, 11:44 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Perks View Post

I've given up a lot for this relationship (not just about this) and I don't think I could leave him even if he said no to poly. I'm in this till death.
Then you have no issue, as you've decided to take whatever he wants to dish out.
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While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #17  
Old 08-15-2012, 11:50 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Why should he communicate? He's getting everything he wants without it.

Also he doesn't sound independent. He sounds controlling and demanding. You can't see friends without it being a problem? He has no friends himself? Is he the reason you are currently without a job? He's utterly dependent on you for social interaction? It's one thing to be introverted and not want or need a whole gaggle of friends. But he sounds withdrawn which is another kettle of fish. He also seems desperate to keep you in just the manner in which you are now living.

Why did you decide to do that? Love is not a sufficient answer. That's the excuse for giving up everything, not the reason. Answering that question will tell you much about yourself and your relationship. Sacrifices are often necessary in a serious relationship, but they should be the kind where it's a 'win-win' if not immediately at least down the road. Like supporting a spouse through school and then enjoying the bump in income when they start working in their chosen profession. Or understanding that a spouse is just incapable of balancing a checkbook or not burning dinner, so you take over those chores while they pick up the slack where you are not so great.

If you are having the same conversation over and over in therapy and getting nowhere, do either or both of these: try a new therapist and/or get a therapist just for you and, if he is agreeable, a therapist just for him. If he doesn't want you to go just for you, tell him to get over it.

'Co-dependent' is a word that gets thrown around too much. But, the slipper fits on this one. It is not a healthy relationship when either or both of the participants wants or needs the other to be less than they are. Never be less than what you are for another person. Ever.

I'm understand you love him. But I seriously ask you, So? Is he good for you? Does he help make you a better version of yourself? It does not sound like it. It sounds like he is actively and consciously making you less, perhaps so he can be comfortable with being less himself.

Last edited by opalescent; 08-15-2012 at 11:51 PM. Reason: grammar
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  #18  
Old 08-20-2012, 09:38 AM
Perks Perks is offline
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AutumnalTone & opalescent thank you for your comments.

My husband works 14 hour days and one week a month is on call 24/7. He deals with people in his line of work and by the time he comes home he just wants time alone and to see me before he falls asleep. Maybe that makes him odd.

When we got together we both had life goals we wanted to achieve. Unfortunately both could not happen simultaneously. Mine came second due to money. His goal lasted longer than originally planned and I have felt that this was unfair but not really his fault. He is asking me to hold on a bit longer and I'm not sure I want to continue to put my goals on hold. (Money or no money.)

We do make each other better. I push him to have more fun and open him up to different ideas. He keeps me in the real world. (I tend to be unrealistic.) He reminds me to plan ahead.

"Co-dependent/controlling and demanding"- Yes he is a big baby about things but I still go out. I still had a BF. I try to be mindful of his feelings and understand that he isn't totally comfortable with having less of me. I just didn't know he was having such an issue with the BF till I pushed him about it. I believe most people are dependent on their partner or partners in some way. Unhealthy? Probably. One more reason to keep on with the therapy.

As AutumnalTone says, I have no issue... So I guess I should just say I identify poly and live mono as of a week ago.
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