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  #1  
Old 08-15-2012, 10:03 AM
Perks Perks is offline
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Default How long will you take?

Poly= I've been this way my whole life. I know myself.

Mono= Husband is knee deep in it.

I came into this marriage with these words.... "I'm GOING to have sex with other people. Are you SURE you want to do this?" (And yes I know it sounds like I swing but we had talked before about relationships.) He knew what he was getting into.

A week ago my husband says to me: "I don't like this. I'm not ok with any part of you being with someone else. This might be a deal breaker for me."

Like a baseball to the face.

So now what? I've been with other people. I have a boyfriend right now. Am I in a world of shit? Is this new feeling he has retroactive? Will there be jail time?

I will admit to playing soft with him for the first four years. And by that I mean I didn't look for another relationship. And this is probably due to the fact that I am very picky about who I want to be with, but I guess that made it pretty easy for him to pretend I was mono.

The last year has been go go poly. Not sure why the change of heart.

Anyone else ever have this happen to them? Did it work out? Why do mono people fall in love with poly people? Is it because we have nice hair?
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  #2  
Old 08-15-2012, 01:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'd thank him for coming to me with his issues, and probe a bit to get him to elaborate on what "Might be a dealbreaker" means to him and where he's wanting to take it.

Because he says it MIGHT be a dealbreaker. What does that mean? Is it a soft limit and not a hard limit? Like he's willing to try and see if he can fly with this but needs help getting the kite off the ground in a more palatable way?

Is he conflicted and needs support and nurture from you in general and then practical help elsewhere? Like do you need a poly friendly therapist to help you? To create your rights and responsibilities framework? (That is mine) And help him as individual person to cope with his feelings at this time too?

Or is he saying he's done? Game over?

I'd think about ME and where I would want to take it and if I'm in it still or what. It's not so much about how long he's going to take. He himself may not know. It's how long I would be willing to wait for him and if my love for him is enough to sustain me through the wait. Would I still be in it if the questioning period was a year? Two years? Indefinite?

Marriage is a commitment. Given that you were clear from the onset that you were poly, and now you have a BF, I wouldn't throw in the towel just because things got rough. Maybe this BF is finally making it be a reality for the hubby -- so there's some kind of elephant in the room to break down but he doesn't have the skills strong enough to DO it with you so he's scared?

This elephant is of another color, but I'd answer the same. BREATHE. Break it down. One bit at a time. With a pro if need be. It doesn't have to be the end.

But first answer -- how IN this marriage are you both? Didn't you promise thick and thin? Do you still love each other? Have you fallen out of love?

If so, don't put off the inevitable.

If you are still in love, talk about your Questioning Time. Maybe it's agree to a "Year of Investigation" with a therapist and then reassess after that where you are at and if enough progress is moving along to renew for another year or what.

Is your marriage worth that? Only you guys can answer these kinds of questions for yourselves.

HTH!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-15-2012 at 01:58 PM.
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  #3  
Old 08-15-2012, 05:12 PM
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Castalia Castalia is offline
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This sounds really similar to my current situation. Please excuse the small high jacking of the thread.
Me= poly even before I knew there was a word for it. Never cut out to be housewife material, more of a wanderer type
Gamerboy(my partner)= More traditional but open minded. now struggling, really struggling, with sharing my time and me
I was brutally honest from the beginning. I told him I had no interest in a lifelong monogamous relationship, I like/need to be able to move/travel and have my own life. He said ok.
The first four years of our relationship were monogamous, (we opened our relationship a year and a half ago). I didn't work or really have any outside activities or make any moves to look for an outside relationship. This was due to lack of funds, free time and caring for young children. But due to our current struggles, more on that later, it appears he liked it that way. From our conversations, both early and over the last few years, it seems that he didn't really take me seriously. Its not that he wasn't listening or disregarding me, just that it didn't expect it to be a problem.
So now here we are, a year after opening our relationship and me starting to get out on my own and he is struggling and breaking down. I can't give him all of me, and I don't know that what I can give will be enough. I have always been honest about who I was and had a fairly good idea of who he was. I am hoping these are just growing pains and that we can both have what we need/want without the other feeling betrayed. We are working on it, so we'll see.
sorry for side tracking, just wanted to say I understood.
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Old 08-15-2012, 05:45 PM
Perks Perks is offline
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Thank you for the reply.

Still in love. Totally.

I've given up a lot for this relationship (not just about this) and I don't think I could leave him even if he said no to poly. I'm in this till death.

GalaGirl I agree with you on every point you've made. I've talked his ear off with questions! The problem is this guy never talks or opens up. His only answer to anything I've asked him is, "I don't know". And he is like this about most things so my fear is this could go on for years. Last problem we had (unrelated to this topic) was 2 years ago and he still has not given me an answer!

He did not come to me with this new feeling he had. I knew that something was wrong and I pushed him about it till he cracked.

We go to therapy as well. He just isn't a talker. He is super super shy and hates talking about his personal life/stuff with anyone. (Actually, I think he even hates feeling feelings.)

I know that there is nothing I can do. He will figure out his feelings in his own time and I can only wait to see what happens.
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Old 08-15-2012, 05:57 PM
Perks Perks is offline
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Castalia,

Yep same boat. Only I also gave up traveling, friends and my job to be in this relationship. Some days I get kinda mad at myself for allowing this to happen. (Totally my fault!) My husband gets 100% of my time. I only see my BF and the few friends I have in this town when my husband is at work.

Oh my god. I sound like property.

Last edited by Perks; 08-15-2012 at 06:01 PM.
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  #6  
Old 08-15-2012, 06:11 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Perks View Post
A week ago my husband says to me: "I don't like this. I'm not ok with any part of you being with someone else. This might be a deal breaker for me."
Quote:
The last year has been go go poly. Not sure why the change of heart.
First - my husband isn't a talker either and getting information out of him is like getting your teeth drilled. Talk with your therapist about getting better communication between the two of you. It is extremely important. Would your husband be willing to write it down. Sometime those that won't "talk" will email.

Now, as you stated this last year has been "go go poly", maybe everything is happening too fast for him. His brain can't keep up with the emotions so he can't even address them until he is feeling slammed and overwhelmed. Slow down a little. Let your husband know you are backing off a bit while the two of you try and figure out exactly where the problem lies.

When we are "go go" anything, we tend to leave others around us in our wake, trying to figure out what just happened. Have you been neglecting his needs? Have you been so caught up in the excitement of it all you've been a bit insensitive?

Just an observation: Your post seems a bit rushed and "hurry up to the finish". Do you have conversations in the same manner, talk fast, rush to the end and possibly skip what seem like irrelevant details in the process?
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  #7  
Old 08-15-2012, 06:18 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Perks View Post
Only I also gave up traveling, friends and my job to be in this relationship.
This is not healthy and should be addressed with your marriage counselor. I can see not traveling for monetary concerns, but isolating yourself is never a good plan (although very common once kids enter the picture, there is only so much time in a day).
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  #8  
Old 08-15-2012, 06:20 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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I was less firm about what I wanted when my wife and I married, but I was definitely poly before I knew what the word was. I'm in the same boat as you guys, although my wife is trying very hard to be accepting.

It's difficult, and therapy helps, but only if both parties are willing to talk. You have to be understanding, and go at a safe pace.

The girl from my blog (DragonTattoo) and her husband went through this same thing. They weren't ever really mono, but they were more swinger-ish before going poly. Before she went poly is more like it. Soo yeah, it's a recurring theme in our worlds.

I feel like this is a problem with our society not really accepting poly as something that's real or tolerated. "Yeah, okay, you go do that..." a year later, "wait, WHAT?!"

We all need to strive to be more understanding of our partners and help them. This is a difficult journey. We've felt this way our whole lives. They've known about our world and our thoughts for 4 years. Not a very long time to adjust. Especially when it's not slapping them in the fact that whole time.

Be patient, talk A LOT, and try to get them to understand that they are the world to you, and that your wanting to do this isn't a reflection of them, it's just who and how you are.

The "I don't know" response is something I get a lot. Don't blame them. My wife honestly doesn't know. It hurts her, but she has been taught by her crappy family to bury her feelings so she can't figure them out. That's the counselor's job to unravel. If they can't, time for a new counselor, imo. Our counselor unraveled my wife in about 10 seconds. Stuff I couldn't get her to tell me in years. And it's not my wife's fault. I just didn't know the right questions to ask.

Your husband needs to be ready and willing to accept the hard truths. He needs to stop allowing "I don't know" to be sufficient.
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Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old

Last edited by KyleKat; 08-15-2012 at 06:24 PM.
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  #9  
Old 08-15-2012, 06:22 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
This is not healthy and should be addressed with your marriage counselor. I can see not traveling for monetary concerns, but isolating yourself is never a good plan (although very common once kids enter the picture, there is only so much time in a day).
It could be that they moved and she had to give up all three. It could be a number of things. We should let Perks explain before we jump to the "your husband owns you like slave" line of thought.

(Not trying to call you out, just think we should let Perks elaborate more)
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #10  
Old 08-15-2012, 06:39 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
It could be that they moved and she had to give up all three. It could be a number of things. We should let Perks explain before we jump to the "your husband owns you like slave" line of thought.
Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of self isolation. I didn't assume that the husband demanded it. I've done this and it did need to be addressed in marriage counceling. In my case, it was at the center of a number of other smaller issues. If she moved away, then effort needs to be taken to make new friends and the husband needs to be supportive of this...
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