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  #441  
Old 07-30-2012, 05:08 AM
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Thanks both! Yes, my wife and I are closer, if anything, than ever. We've been making a special effort to use that energy on each other (and indeed some of the great date ideas!); having amazing sex and are as cuddly and lovey as always (we're a very affectionate pair). It's really good. The only negative effect is that I want to talk about what's going on in my head all the time, but she doesn't mind - if anything she says it's all opened me up to talking about my feelings in a way I've need been comfortable doing before, and she likes it.

This is why I think it's just something I need to sort out for myself.
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  #442  
Old 07-30-2012, 05:54 AM
thisis thisis is offline
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LovingRadiance - how long have your husband's bouts lasted?
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  #443  
Old 07-30-2012, 08:27 AM
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Satisfiction Satisfiction is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
We were addicted to each other.
This gives a little of what is going on... I'm not certain, but I think NRE triggers similar things in your brain like addictive chemicals do (smoking, caffeine, other drugs). You're just dying for a hit, and want to bask in the warm loveliness that is NRE.
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  #444  
Old 07-30-2012, 08:36 AM
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I'm clucking? I could believe it - the patterns are similar to addicts I've known. Ironic for someone who's managed to avoid getting addicted to anything else his whole life!

I categorically do not want to go cold turkey!
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  #445  
Old 07-30-2012, 03:14 PM
Saphire Saphire is offline
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I have been going through a similar thing. I am not sure it is NRE or the separation that is causing the intense feelings while apart. Because of distance and work I can only see my boyfriends once a week at most sometimes it has been 2 to 3 weeks. We talk daily on the phone and texts. We didn't start poly but feelings grew. When I am with my husband I feel so close to him I am not missing my boyfriend as much, and Husband and I do talk about BF. It Brings us closer in many ways. He also allows me the freedom to text with BF at night while we are watching TV. It is when I am alone during the day that it is hard, almost painful, wondering when I will see him again. Then the extreme excitement when i do know I am going to see him soon and that is all i can think about. Then after we a date the dual emotions of elation of having been with him and disappointment of knowing I won't see him for a while. Pulling myself away from him is difficult. Yes addiction would be a very good word to use.

But on the flip side I do think about HB when I am with my BF. I have had extended time (several days) with my BF and i did miss my HB and think about him during that time is so of the same ways. It was easier to leave HB because I knew and end time and when I would see him and I get SO much more time with him. But I do miss him and think about him when we are apart also. Just makes me think it is more the separation than NRE. Or maybe the separation is extending the NRE since boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year.
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  #446  
Old 07-30-2012, 07:37 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thisis View Post
LovingRadiance - how long have your husband's bouts lasted?
About 6 months.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satisfiction View Post
This gives a little of what is going on... I'm not certain, but I think NRE triggers similar things in your brain like addictive chemicals do (smoking, caffeine, other drugs). You're just dying for a hit, and want to bask in the warm loveliness that is NRE.
It does. There's a LOT of scientific evidence on it-actually, very interesting reading and I know that there is a thread on here somewhere about it-becuase a year or so ago we were discussing it a lot.
I found a lot of interesting info on psychologytoday website. Also, in my sociology and psychology classes at the college (I'm in school currently) we've discussed this in depth (though not in regard to poly specifically).
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  #447  
Old 07-31-2012, 04:07 PM
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6 months? Nooooo, not doing that! I refuse! On the basis that the thought process may be limerant, I ended up talking to the lady concerned about it (shock! horror!).

Turns out she was having other insecurities but just doing a better job at hiding it/pretending it wasn't there. We talked about ways around it, but mostly I think the process was cathartic and the reassurance of knowing that I'm not being "needy" (or at least, not being perceived as such), and that even if I were, it wouldn't matter, has made a big difference. If I start missing her, I can just say so and we can make an effort to fix it. Equally she found my investment, and my willingness to talk about any concerns I have (rather than just dumping her without any warning) to be really reassuring. This has calmed her own anxieties a great deal, which has had the side effect of softening her behaviour towards me, which has further reassured me. This stuff is cyclic!

Let's see how this potential case of "communication solving all problems" plays out well. Fingers crossed.
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  #448  
Old 08-03-2012, 02:55 AM
strixish strixish is offline
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My theory (and YMMV) is that NRE is not so much about the person you're with, as it is about your infatuation with yourself. You are suddenly attractive to someone, and loveable, and your self esteem shoots through the roof! But you've gotta get that fix, get that mutual admiration society started, and so you feel desperate for contact, in person, by email, by phone, whatever, just some affirmation that you are as wonderful as you have discovered that you are.

I'm not talking about solid, healthy self esteem, though, and doing things to consciously focus on healthy self esteem can help you feel less desperate for the new person.

I believe that NRE fades as you really get to know them, as you start to let yourself see them as complex people (with aspects you like and aspects you don't), and not just as a mirror for yourself.

That's my theory, anyway.
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  #449  
Old 08-14-2012, 09:51 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default NRE-the new "I was drunk"

I think it's important to understand what NRE is & specifically the affect it has upon your thought processes, just like I think it's important to understand what alcohol is and the affect it has on your thought processes.

But, I am SO disgusted by NRE being used as an excuse for bad behavior.
It is NOT an excuse for bad behavior.

If you are starting a new relationship-fucking be aware of the existence of NRE and how it works.
Set in place an agreement with your SO or a friend or SOMEONE close to you that you ALREADY trust-to tell you when YOU ARE GOING OVERBOARD.
Then-if they say that-
STOP.

It's THAT simple.

If I have a drink-I don't drive. Why?
Because drinking and driving is DANGEROUS.
INNOCENT people can be harmed on account of MY choice.

If you want to start new relationships BE AWARE of the dangers!

This is simple, common courtesy and RESPONSIBLE ADULT BEHAVIOR.

It's not acceptable to justify your heartless disregard for anyone else's feelings with "I was in NRE".

It's not acceptable to justify not following previously made agreements with "I was experiencing NRE".

It's not acceptable to make a total ass of yourself because you aren't willing to reign in your own BEHAVIOR on account of the great sensation you are experiencing from NRE. That's BULLSHIT.

If you CHOOSE to put yourself in situations that may erupt in NRE, you remain fully responsible for your words and actions.

NRE is NOT AN EXCUSE OR JUSTIFICATION for shitty behavior.
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  #450  
Old 08-14-2012, 09:55 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
NRE is NOT AN EXCUSE OR JUSTIFICATION for shitty behavior.
I think that bears repeating.
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