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  #261  
Old 08-14-2012, 02:19 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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rory, I love what you have to say about autonomy. I don't think its selfish at all. This summer, when my husband and I were in a pretty deep crisis, and thinking about wether the whole poly thing was worth it, I remember thinking "what would I do if he asks me to choose?" (he wasn't asking me that, I was just wondering about that possibility).
And I remember thinking "I would choose me."

The choice would not be for him or a boyfriend or whatever. It would not be a choice against anyone, it would be making a positive choice in favor of me. I would choose me. And it was such an empowering thought.

I had forgotten about it a little, thanks for reminding me
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  #262  
Old 08-14-2012, 02:49 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Thanks for the support, fuchka. We just had the discussion and it really is going to happen. We'll sign the divorce papers this week. I'm feeling very sad. Also relieved at the same time, maybe the tension we've been feeling for quite some time now will stop. We promised to stay friends. I really appreciate that and want to make it happen. JJ said he'd be happy to visit me in Dream City as a friend and I said I'd be happy to have him there. I actually believe in us staying friends, because I still like his personality and I think we are compatible as people. We just can't be partners now.
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  #263  
Old 08-15-2012, 03:14 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Mya,

I'm so sorry. You have my sympathy.

I went through something similar when Beaker and I broke up. We just couldn't be the partner each of us deserved. There was (and is) lots of love there but we weren't what the other needed. It's so hard to realize that and act on it. You and JJ are living courageously, even though I'm sure it doesn't feel like that at all.
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  #264  
Old 08-16-2012, 10:24 AM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Thanks opalescent for your kind words. It sure doesn't feel like a courageous thing to do to break up, but I guess it is, making big life changes to be happier.
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  #265  
Old 08-16-2012, 07:44 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Sorry to hear about your break up. Remember that this need not be the end, it can be a well deserved break.
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  #266  
Old 08-19-2012, 12:08 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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So many big changes right now for you, Mya, between the impending move and the divorce! My best wishes that everything is as smooth and amicable as possible. While one partner can in no way replace or make up for another, I'm glad that you have Rory to help you through.
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  #267  
Old 08-19-2012, 11:13 AM
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Mya Mya is offline
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BlackUnicorn: Yes, you're right and we are planning to keep communicating and keep our options open. Getting back together is still possible.

Annabel: Yeah, everything's happening at once and it feels crazy. I am really happy to have rory though, she's been a big help in getting through this. Me and JJ are very amicable toward each other and everything's going really nicely. It hasn't been awkward or weird living together and sleeping in the same bed. There was this one moment, when JJ started talking to me and said "honey", stopped after that and asked "Can I call you honey anymore?" to which I replied that he can. We do still care about each other and want only the best for each other so things are going smoothly. I believe we'll do fine the remaining few days that I'm still here.
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  #268  
Old 08-21-2012, 08:40 AM
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Mya Mya is offline
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There's always discussions all around the forum about primaries and secondaries. I believe that most of you readers have already figured out that me and rory don't use those terms. That's because we feel like they don't represent our situation. Now that me and JJ broke up, you would think that something would change in my relationship with rory. But I don't think it will change much. We are planning to see each other about twice a week in Dream City. That was our plan before and it still is. There's no need to change it, because it was originally decided keeping the needs of our relationship in mind. I think that would be a good amount of time even if I was in a mono relationship. In addition of time, I think it comes down to attitude. Rory just wrote about autonomy and that is the thing that makes me feel like I'm not a secondary. Alec doesn't automatically come first, rory makes her decisions based on what everybody (including herself) wants and needs. She lives with Alec and shares finances with him. I don't really see any value statement in that, it just is that way. I know some people define primary and secondary based on those things, but I don't see the point. For me primary means that that person always comes first, the relationship with him/her is more serious, everything that happens will be negotiated with him/her (secondaries can either accept the result or leave) and sometimes he/she even gets to restrict his/her partner's choices. Because that's how I see those terms, I totally don't feel like a secondary.
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Last edited by Mya; 08-21-2012 at 12:58 PM.
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  #269  
Old 08-30-2012, 11:40 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Me and rory have both been crazy busy these last few weeks and haven't been able to talk much. But in a couple of days we're finally going to live in the same city! You can imagine how happy I'm about that.

So I moved to Dream City over a week ago, stayed with a friend for a few days and now I live in a shared apartment with two roommates. They both seem really nice. I told one of them about rory and the whole situation today. She took it well, no problem. She seems quite easy-going, so I kinda assumed that my situation wouldn't cause any problems with her. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to tell the other roommate about this because he's moving out of here in a month. But we'll see.

This week I started working in the same place I worked the last time I lived in Dream City, but I also continue to do stuff for my freelance job so I have two jobs now. Just to make sure I make enough money to live on my own. I can probably quit my freelance job sometime in the future but I don't want to do that yet. So that's making me even busier than usually.

I miss rory so much. I'm happy that I get to see her soon and after that I get to see her like every week. Wow. What a change!

I also miss Bob. Thinking about him makes me still a bit confused though. We haven't really kept in touch after the last time we met. Well, there have been many other things on my mind lately and I bet on his, too. But I'd like to talk to him. Hopefully one day we'll both have some time to do that.
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  #270  
Old 09-03-2012, 07:34 AM
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rory rory is offline
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nycindie, fuchka, Cleo thank you all for your comments! I do feel that I am reaching more clarity all the time in terms of how I think about autonomy, and how I feel I want to live. I was going to phrase that "how I want to arrange my relationships", but really, there is no reason to do so because the thing that I find strange is precisely that - that people make decisions in life, i.e. live their lives, so differently depending on whether they are in "a couple" or not.

---

Some more practical stuff for a change. I've been working my ass off at work, volunteering, and organisign stuff for moving, but finally it's done! I am living in Dream City with Alec! We have temporary accommodation in well sized room for a couple of weeks, and got our things set up yesterday so that it is beginning to feel more like home and less like staying in a hotel. I do have a lot of things to do here as well (e.g. finding a permanent apartment, a job, etc.) but I feel tons less stressed and much has been accomplished already.

I haven't seen either of my parthers much in the last few weeks. Alec was working days and I was working weekends. Also, skypeing with Mya has been less regular thatn usually with both of us having busy schedules (as she mentioned). Yet I feel very close to both of them (even though sometimes I can feel disconnected in this kind of situations).

I went to the city centre yesterday with Alec. It is so great to be living here with him, I am really happy! And today I have a date night with Mya. She'll buy me dinner and I'll stay the night at her place. It is something super cool to be able to meet like this! My life is awesome.
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