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Old 08-14-2012, 09:05 AM
Quietfever Quietfever is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 20
Default Should I be a secondary while I am still single?

I am 38 and single and a lesbian. Right now I am in the "stray single" situation evaluating whether I would get involved with women who are married and polyamorous. I seem to click better with attached bi women than with other lesbians and the lesbian monogamy model has been utterly suffocating and dysfunctional to me. I almost feel like I'm poly at this point because of monogamy PTSD... just some seriously bad situations in monogamous relationships and I'm reluctant to ever be in one again.

To be true to myself: I would very much like to live with the right person and share my life with them, with the commitment between us and the option of being close to other people as well.

To be true to my circumstances: there are plenty of people available if I am willing to be a secondary *only*. It's like needing a full time job but only temporary and part time jobs are available. In one or two of these cases, I am willing and care for these people and would like to see where it goes.

The trouble is - I don't really feel very hopeful that I will find someone of my own, and when I think about the other women being happy at home with their husbands, I feel envious.

Not jealous - not in an emotional or sexual way - but envious about having a home, and security, and a love to live with, and feeling like this is going to be much, much harder for me to find first of all because I am 38 and secondly because I'm gay and thirdly because I am an odd person who's had difficulty living with others in the past, so I don't know if I'm even primary partner material anymore.


It just brings up these issues - wondering if I will ever achieve any of my dreams. Many of the things I want (due to costs and such) are not as possible on my own as they would be with a mate.

I am also afraid that I will never have someone in my life for whom I am first priority... I will always be the person who is there when hubby isn't around :/

Last edited by Quietfever; 08-14-2012 at 09:08 AM.
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